Relationships can be difficult at the best of times. Every relationship has its own trials and tribulations, ups and downs. Life is tough, relationships are tough. But if you are in a relationship with a Borderline things can be much tougher than they are in any other relationship.
The decision to end a relationship can be a long drawn out decision about what is right or wrong for whom. Or it can be swift, bought on by some event that causes things to pass a repairable state. Such is life, we’ve all been there, BPD or not.
The biggest difference between these situations and the end of a relationship with someone with BPD is the huge amount of chaos, trauma and confusion that go go with it.
If the non-BP breaks up with the BP the likelihood is the decision will be more straight forward, in terms of how relationships come to and end as described above, but what is going on when the BP ends the relationship – well that is what I am hoping to explain in this post.
This is my personal story of ending a relationship from the perspective of the BPD sufferer…
I hope this goes some way to showing how the way a person with BPD un-attaches from people who get too close to them, as this is something I am currently going through myself. I plan to follow it up with a more in-depth look at attachment and detachment in BPD.
I think the best way to help other’s be more aware is by sharing your story and this is what I am doing here. The more those of us with experience of BPD, either as sufferers or people close to sufferers, share our stories the greater understanding will become of this terrible condition that causes so much damage in people’s lives.
People with BPD want, need and crave closeness, love and attachment just as much as anyone else does, but unfortunately our self destructive tendencies and ingrained fear of abandonment can cause us to push away the very people who are willing to give us those things out of our own fear of them eventually leaving/abandoning us and/or a desire to not cause them any further harm due to our impulsive, reckless behaviour.
BPD tears me into pieces, I love honestly and deeply, yet at the same time my worries and fears can cause me to hate the very same person that I love so very much. Constantly yoyo-ing between loving and hating a person is exhausting, draining and makes me feel unworthy of love, because I know I just end up hurting people and I don’t want to do that but cannot stop myself.
One day hopefully I will gain control over this and be able to allow someone to get close to me again. For now though I have bought up the barriers – everyone will be kept at arms length from my heart and mind because I just do not want to hurt any more people who love me, ever again.
I am going to be moving out, splitting up with my partner because he deserves better than anything I can ever give him.
Staying with a BPD partner who is unmedicated and not receiving treatment is something I personally would advise against, I know this sounds like the horrible BS crap that usually makes even me cringe when I read it on other websites about BPD, but this is the reality I am living with right now.
Yes, we can be very loving and giving, wonderful, kind people, but we hurt those who get closest to us. I am determined that I will not enter another relationship with anyone or let anyone get too close to me in future, unless one day I am in better control with the help of medication and treatment, but I don’t know if or when that time will come.
In the meantime my ability to manipulate and cheat, and painting my partner as the ‘bad’ one due to ‘splitting’ are just slowly killing him.
Part of me loves him deeply and wants us to be okay, but part of me doesn’t want him, finds him controlling and while those two parts are at war I am doing the ‘wrong’ things and getting more and more ill myself as the burdens of guilt, fear, anger, and hurt build to volcanic proportions.
I don’t want him to end up hating me any more than he should already, so breaking his heart now (and yes I am running away too) is better than the car crash that is inevitable if I stay.
- Unstable Moods in Borderline Personality Disorder (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Do Borderlines lack Empathy? (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Impulsivity and Borderline Personality Disorder (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Splitting – Unstable Relationships in Borderline Personality Disorder (showard76.wordpress.com)
- How to communicate with someone with BPD (showard76.wordpress.com)
- ROW80 Check in – Explaining the one I missed, or a BPD crisis in progress and what happens if you smoke marijuana by mistake (showard76.wordpress.com)
- If Life is a Rollercoaster then BPD is a Pinball Machine! (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Paranoia, Delusions and Dissociation in Borderline Personality Disorder (showard76.wordpress.com)