HATE_sealed_in_a_cage_of_LOVE_by_BLUEgarden

What happens when a person with BPD ends a relationship


Relationships can be difficult at the best of times. Every relationship has its own trials and tribulations, ups and downs. Life is tough, relationships are tough. But if you are in a relationship with a Borderline things can be much tougher than they are in any other relationship.

The decision to end a relationship can be a long drawn out decision about what is right or wrong for whom. Or it can be swift, bought on by some event that causes things to pass a repairable state. Such is life, we’ve all been there, BPD or not.

The biggest difference between these situations and the end of a relationship with someone with BPD is the huge amount of chaos, trauma and confusion that go go with it.

If the non-BP breaks up with the BP the likelihood is the decision will be more straight forward, in terms of how relationships come to and end as described above, but what is going on when the BP ends the relationship – well that is what I am hoping to explain in this post.

This is my personal story of ending a relationship from the perspective of the BPD sufferer…

I hope this goes some way to showing how the way a person with BPD un-attaches from people who get too close to them, as this is something I am currently going through myself. I plan to follow it up with a more in-depth look at attachment and detachment in BPD.

I think the best way to help other’s be more aware is by sharing your story and this is what I am doing here. The more those of us with experience of BPD, either as sufferers or people close to sufferers, share our stories the greater understanding will become of this terrible condition that causes so much damage in people’s lives.

People with BPD want, need and crave closeness, love and attachment just as much as anyone else does, but unfortunately our self destructive tendencies and ingrained fear of abandonment can cause us to push away the very people who are willing to give us those things out of our own fear of them eventually leaving/abandoning us and/or a desire to not cause them any further harm due to our impulsive, reckless behaviour.

BPD tears me into pieces, I love honestly and deeply, yet at the same time my worries and fears can cause me to hate the very same person that I love so very much. Constantly yoyo-ing between loving and hating a person is exhausting, draining and makes me feel unworthy of love, because I know I just end up hurting people and I don’t want to do that but cannot stop myself.

One day hopefully I will gain control over this and be able to allow someone to get close to me again. For now though I have bought up the barriers – everyone will be kept at arms length from my heart and mind because I just do not want to hurt any more people who love me, ever again.

I am going to be moving out, splitting up with my partner because he deserves better than anything I can ever give him.

Staying with a BPD partner who is unmedicated and not receiving treatment is something I personally would advise against, I know this sounds like the horrible BS crap that usually makes even me cringe when I read it on other websites about BPD, but this is the reality I am living with right now.

Yes, we can be very loving and giving, wonderful, kind people, but we hurt those who get closest to us. I am determined that I will not enter another relationship with anyone or let anyone get too close to me in future, unless one day I am in better control with the help of medication and treatment, but I don’t know if or when that time will come.

In the meantime my ability to manipulate and cheat, and painting my partner as the ‘bad’ one due to ‘splitting’ are just slowly killing him.

Part of me loves him deeply and wants us to be okay, but part of me doesn’t want him, finds him controlling and while those two parts are at war I am doing the ‘wrong’ things and getting more and more ill myself as the burdens of guilt, fear, anger, and hurt build to volcanic proportions.

I don’t want him to end up hating me any more than he should already, so breaking his heart now (and yes I am running away too) is better than the car crash that is inevitable if I stay.

222 comments on “What happens when a person with BPD ends a relationship

  1. Hon, that’s gut wrenchingly honest and a good go at showing how our desperate need for closeness makes it so difficult to achieve intimacy, it’s just too important and the impact on our inner world is immense. For me it’s one of the most horrible aspects of BPD and I guess it’s something that other sufferers would ‘get’ but it’s tough to explain to non-BPDers – how we can be in a maelstrom and how it’s so hard to be objective, that opposites will appear true in seconds, regardless of the actions of the other person. Really sorry you’re going through this though, wouldn’t wish it on anyone. *Waves from behind my self protective wall*

    • Thanks hunny, it is a tough time but I know that in the long run this is what is best for both of us right now. Maybe one day things will be different, until then I have to focus on me first and foremost – and that’s not just being selfish, it’s more about protecting others! xx

    • Ive been in a relationship with BPD for three years she has ran several times however i will not move in with her and i dont exspect her to move to me,she wants me to try to better myself, the more i do the more she sees me proving I am here for her, and i will do what she suggests, and she knows I love her,she also starts the same distance crawling, and before you know it she is gone.
      I wish she could one day see, that if the key to starting the engine of recovery and of her own healing was, you have got to trust in the love of someone sometime somehow in this life,i wish it could be me,I try so hard,and I wont give up but I do get tired.Can we simply exist in a moment long enough for her to see, together we have got to learn from the past god forbid we repeat it.

      • Trust is something those with BPD initially give far too easily and end up getting hurt, then as a result withdraw trust from everyone, even those who have not betrayed them :( It is hard for us then to trust anyone again and we do repeat the same patterns time and again :/

      • Ive read that these relationships can work and given any real spot that she is with me it’s remarkable to see her smile,I’m just wondering,and yes I to do need to hear “yes I know you love me and I cherish it”but is it possable for her to ever trust in the love that I hold for her? the fact that I have never ,not one time not been there for her and that it should happen that only now do I find your site almost makes me kick my own butt! course I simply did not know,showard76. I have just not known so much that I’m ashamed and at the same time still wanting I guess ,…Absolution,absolution of my love for her,it’s not given lightly and I am a very powerful insiteful man that thinks the two most powerful words that exsist are “love” and “Hate” I don’t hate anyone and I could never,I have been told she hated me so many times and then how she loves me so many times that I’m looking for anything that will break the tie I guess,I dont stay for pity or she needs me or any of that rubbish I stay cause I love her and up till my realization of score I thought she loved me.
        Will I never through patiants or caring as being there,listening,loving ever be able to see that yes if not now but at some point,know she really did feel the love that I have for her,or is this always going to be that I have to accept the fact that I am only fully going to have to love myself for loving her and be happy with that?
        As you can see I’m really fighting what my place is here,I know about losing ones self and how much hurt and havic it can do to someone that simply loves a BPD,please dont tell me that she my never really know or be able to say what I mean or meant to her.
        If it is just doom and gloom…..you know what just lie to me if you have to,I’m 44 in love with an Angel I would die for ,reaching out and I’m hoping that someone can tell me she even really cares.please.
        Cameron E.

      • Sorry, but this is not what you are going to want to hear, but it is the truth…It is difficult to say if she will ever fully trust the love you feel for her as it depends how deep her past hurts and fear of trusting go :( I think you may have to accept that she may never be able to demonstrate the levels of love and trust you are hoping for, she may get there one day but she may not… If you can’t be happy with that you may need to reconsider how much you can put up with due to your love for her, as they say ‘sometimes love alone is not enough’ Sharon x

      • Believe me Cameron, I am in your shoes right now in many ways. It is conflicting that my BPD partner continues to push away the one person that would have walked by his side for eternity. I do know that he has been let down by others (as mentioned above) and terribly hurt, yet he has continued to keep some of these people in his life, but pushes me away. Interesting, but I suppose his friends wouldn’t hurt him as much as I could… still seems kind of like a slap in my face, though, as I’ve been so loyal and some of these friends that he still sticks with have been terrible to him.:-/ And, of course, you would think he’d know by now that I couldn’t hurt a fly. You would think, as I’ve always been there for him, just like it seems you have been for your partner. I commend “busy gal”, though, because she is able to really communicate what is going on with her and her partner knows the why’s of what she is doing. If I knew my partner was just trying to protect me from himself, that would seem noble in my opinion, but in my case, I have to put pieces of the puzzle together myself… sometimes assuming such awful things.:(

        Maybe she doesn’t want to repeat the same mistakes with you, but doesn’t have the proper tools to shift her reality thinking for that to happen? I’m not certain in your case, but thank you so much for sharing. I, too, wish that my partner with BPD could simply trust in our love as I have never betrayed him… as, I, myself have been betrayed by others and I know how that feels. I had been through a lot when I met him and it was hard for me to open up, trust and love him… but I did… and I have continued to trust in our love in so many ways. No matter what *he* decides, though, it is on him, does not speak for me and I will always have a place in my heart for him if he never comes back, or things are beyond repair.

        BTW: “Busy Gal”… are you on your own right now? Did you go back to your partner that you speak of above? I am curious.

        I’m sorry… as I don’t see your name on here!:-p Please forgive me.

        Good luck, Cameron.

      • I hope Cameron see’s your post Devara :)

        Yes, I am single now I never went back to him and he was in a new relationship less than a month after I finished with him and is still with that girl now – considering I ‘destroyed’ his life by ending it, he got over it pretty quickly I think!? I am not ready for another relationship yet, I am too busy continuing to build on the recover which happened very quickly after leaving him – which I think speaks volumes about how much the relationship was part of my problem!? I’m Sharon by the way :) xx

      • Dear Sharon,

        This is in response to your comment below…. I am really sorry that you had to go through that. It’s good to know that you are doing better now.:)

      • Having been with someone with BPD for nearly two years now, I can say that the fact that he got into another relationship a month after you broke up is not surprising. I don’t think it can be measured by how much he cared for you.
        The fact is that the psychological damage done to a non-BP is pretty extensive. The devaluation that occurs during the hate phase is intense. Constant accusations and criticisms are levied on the partner by the BP. If the non-BP is a goodhearted person, then they will themselves start to believe the things the BP says. They will try to fix them, and failing that, they will begin to feel worthless. This is compounded by the fact that the BP so idealized and adored the non-BP in the beginning, causing the him to want that feeling back again, as well as adding credibility to the notion that there is something truly wrong with him or that he did something horrible against the BP.
        In point of fact, the BP projects their symptoms onto the non-BP, causing him to feel hopeless, worthless, and desperate. Once that cycle is complete, they find themselves in the same position as the BP — craving love and attachment to fill the emptiness that they now feel inside. It is very difficult to drag oneself out of that hole, especially since BPs often create an isolation around their partner via their abandonment fears. It is typical to find affection elsewhere in order to fill the void left by the BP (just like BPs do when they cheat on their partners due to their perceived sleights).
        Don’t downplay his emotions based on his getting with someone else. If anything that is an even bigger indicator of just how ‘destroyed’ he was inside.

      • Thanks for sharing Michael, if it weren’t for the fact that he was almost certainly a narcissist (not just my view, his non-BP ex before me also consider him this way and in fact tried to warn me off him because he was like that, and she did not know about my BPD) then I could agree in part that he was ‘damaged’ by my behaviour, but given his behaviour and narcissism I think we damaged each other, it was definitely toxic. I was the one that became isolated as a result of our relationship, taken away from my friends and family to live somewhere else while he maintained all his other relationships, including cheating on me with his ex… But we cannot change the past, it happened, it’s over and the reality is neither of us was without fault… just time to move on now :)

      • Macc
        How can you continue with this? My BPD partner ended it – not sure he knows he has BPD, but kept calling until I decided – I can not live this way. I would have been there for him, but he’s also online dating. I’ve lost trust and respect and am afraid of STDs. I’ve keep going over and over it, but cant’ find a rational reason to continue.

      • I think you are doing the right thing for you and at the end of the day that is very important, you need to be happy and feel trust and respect without those no relationship can survive…

    • I know people say it’s crazy for wanting too, but is there anyway to get back a borderline? 2 months ago my bpd ex ended our relationship, after a death in her family, I’m sure this was a trigger, but instead of allowing me to be there and support her, she just abruptly ended and asked me not to contact her anymore, I was devastated for sure, just a couple days prior, she was telling me how she loved me. Is there anything I can do, will she ever come back around?

      • Difficult one… some BPD’S will come back, others not, yet more will be in and out of your life regularly. You could try making contact but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t respond or reacts badly to the contact, which is more likely than a positive response. If you decide to make contact I would suggest just trying to be ‘friendly’ may be the best approach, a simple ‘How’s things?’ nothing emotional. Good luck :)

  2. thank you for sharing this. I am bipolar and was involved with someone who has displayed all the indicators that he has BPD. the two are often confused and I know that it is common for them to coexist. I love this man with all my heart, everyday, and I accept him because he accepts me, on good days. On bad days I am …well it doesn;t matter. He is gone but can;t let me go. I can;t let him go either. The splitting is ….ah well it doesn;t even matter, you are so brave to talk about something that so many people hear the words and say RUN AWAY – same with Bipolar. But my point is that this post – I needed it and thank you. :-) Peace

    • There’s an old saying that I love:

      “THE PEOPLE THAT STICK BY YOU AT YOUR WORST
      DESERVE TO BE WITH YOU AT YOUR BEST”

      Here’s another one that I really like:

      “REMEMBER, ANYONE CAN LOVE YOU WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING
      IN THE STORMS IS WHERE YOU LEARN WHO TRULY CARES FOR YOU”

      May we all remember these things…

  3. I am in a place now where things are tough so I’m very avoident of any affection from my husband but then I always know it will come back when I’m a little better. It’s so hard when the allowance of affection from others is always so minimal. My husband finds it hard that I never want to cuddle or kiss and the next minute I can’t leave him alone and it leaves him feeling confused and often unloved. It’s not what is intended but it’s what happens and there are so many times where I just think if I pick and choose when I’m nice to him then I’m just an awful user for the times that I want things. I know the mindset you’re in and leaving may sound easy for someone who doesn’t want abandonment but it is ever so hard because of the bouts of love and hate. You think it’s their fault so you hate them and want to leave and then you realise it may be your fault and then feel sorry and want them back and it can go on forever and then the easiest way is to cut ties forever, however the addiction of wanting the caring of that person is always a struggle. Keep strong, I’d say do what your head tells you but then if you did that you’d be running back and forth, do what your mind tells you when you feel you are most stable and do what you feel may be right for your kids too. Sometimes when you aren’t sure what’s best for us, seeing whats best for others we love can help. Good luck sweetheart xxx

    • Hi Simone, thank you, sorry to hear you are in a bad place at the moment too. Yes, I’m trying to do what feels right for everyone rather than what my emotions are bouncing around :) xx

  4. ((hugs)) Sharon! It’s always hard in any relationship no matter the issues at hand when it comes time for one or the other or both have decided to end it. Healing yourself first and foremost is the MOST important thing … especially being a MOM (which is as far as I’m concerned your top priority — being healthy for your kids is what i mean) And it sounds like you are making the best decision for all of you right now. My heart goes out to you, Sharon! Sending lots of loving healing energies your way!!! <3

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  12. I am in a horrible place now with a man i love dearly. i have bpd and i believe he shows signs as well. we are in constant struggle and rarely on the same page. our relationship ends on a regular basis and now, despite the love we have for each other (probably too sick) we are just being mean. i fight hard but then stop suddenly and apologize realizing too that it could be all my fault or at least a skewed perception of reality. suddenly vulnerable and exposed i am left defenseless to his attacks. and this just keeps happening. at some point he changes his tune and tone and begins talking to me again as if it can all be worked out. he says things to indicate that we are both adults and should be mature… yeah, i’d like that – maybe in another life time that’ll be possible! any way, i should have ended it a long time ago for a variety of reasons. i’ve just about lost everything and am completely exhausted. i hope i can get help soon so as not to land on the very bottom of the bottom. i appreciate your honesty and wish you well.

  13. I broke it off with a woman who I feel has bpd. I didnt know anything about this but everything written on these blogs happened to me. I feel sick inside because she would love me one day and turn on me the next. She slapped me, threatened to call the cops on me, disrespected me, and was negative about everyone in her life. She is obsessed with facebook and put all her good traits out there for total strangers but when we would talk she would just tell me how unhappy she is and how she is never happy for anyones happiness. She also just started throwing out every bad thing about her past at me. She never showed any remorse or hurt about it, she just would throw it out at me out of nowhere. I never understood why but I always stayed supportive. I guess I have a question….I finally lost it and told her that I couldnt take her abuse anymore and she said she was confused how I could say that. After everything she did she acts like it never happened and denied saying or doing any of it. Is that normal bpd behavior? Im crushed because she doesnt look at me as somebody who was supportive, she looks at me as a weak person. Truth is I stayed because she said she doesnt trust and I wanted to show her that I didnt judge and I was supportive. She even said that I wanted to fix her. i told her I couldnt fix her, all I could do is be a friend and listen. I tried reaching out to her but she wont contact me…she did this all the time. This time is different, she wont acknowledge me because I stood my ground and asked her to stop abusing me. Is this normal bpd behavior? I miss my friend, my lover, my partner in crime. Thanks

    • I think what you describe could well be ‘typical’ BPD behaviour for her, like everyone else all BPD’s are different, it is a combination of at least 5 of 9 different traits that make up the condition so while there are similarities in BPD behaviour there are also differences. You are right that you can’t fix her and unless she is willing to get help and help herself she won’t change, only she has the capacity to do that. Refusing to acknowledge contact is something I would consider quite typical of a BPD who feels they have been let down or betrayed. In time she may come around, but she may not, there are people I have broken off contact with whom I would never acknowledge again even now I am ‘better’ but others I would and will make contact with once the hurt I feel has reduced (and I am aware they may be feeling hurt too, and may also need time to get over this before we could be ‘friends’ again). I wouldn’t push it too much too soon, drop the occasional message of support (but don’t expect a reply) but not too often or she will consider you behaving like a stalker who won’t let go… Hope this helps?

  14. Thank u 4 this site. It has really given me a perspective on life with BPD from both sides. My own, once incredible true love is crashing down around me as i struggle in vain to cope with the amazing girl who made it possible. She is probably BPD but after so many other labels given over the years, she is understandably dubious about the accuracy of this one too. I try so hard to be supportive and loving but it comes at a hii price which i can no longer afford emotionally. Ive given my all for almost 3 years but i cannot compromise my life any further unless she makes the decision to take control of her own destiny. I love this girl. She has had an awful youth which haunts her. I just want her to realise that its not her fault, she is very much loved and that more than anything, she deserves to be free.

    • Sorry to hear about your girlfriend, I hope she manages to get the help she needs to take responsibility for getting herself better so she can lead a happy and fulfilling life. Best Wishes to you in coping with having to walk away, it’s hard but sometimes it is the only thing you can do for both of you to be able to grow xx

  15. My psychologist doesn’t know what is wrong with me. Not yet. She thinks I am majorly depressed but that’s about it. But last night, I had this hallucination where I could hear K saying all those things which she has been saying for a year, which I have heard but never listened to. I looked them up on the net, turns out she has complained of everything that people with BPD’s as partners complain about. Two months ago she broke up with me. I was shattered. But now I know why she couldn’t take it anymore. I love her, I really really do. She is the most pure soul I have ever known, truthful to herself at all times. While I, I keep deceiving her. Giving her suicide threats. Hurting myself so that she would see and feel bad for what she did. I am a horrible person, and I truly believe that the world would be better off without me. But I want to get help. I want to get better, so that some day, I can walk up to K and tell her that I can give her all the love that she needs, without any of the hurt. Because I owe it to her for all the happiness she has given to me and all the pain that she has endured. I will live for that day.

    • Hi A,

      Thanks for sharing, recognising the problem is the first step to getting better, I believe if you want to badly enough you can achieve it. take it step-by-step, one issue at a time and find out as much as you can about it, figure out how it affects you personally and then look for ways to improve on it. It’s along hard process and having some professional support will be a huge help but you can do it. I’m so much better now than I was, there are still areas I have to work on but I keep on trying and fighting :) You can do it too :) x

  16. hi.. i recently discovered that i have bpd as all symptoms and causes are alike with my present and past… i had never heard about this disorder before but while reading it i felt that someone is describing me.. i told my mother immediately but m afraid whether she believes me or not i dint find her serious.. she only said “okay, we’ll see what to do!!” i want her to know that its not imagination o m trying to relate things an making a story!! i’m a student and it’s my final year; my exams are up within a month or two.. i’m already not able to concentrate and also don’t have time for treatment!! i need your help..

    • Maybe you could try showing her these blog posts and others to help her understand? You need some help and treatment to get better, but I can understand your difficulty with your studies, could you maybe just continue reading about BPD when you have time for now so that you can improve your own understanding of your condition and then when you have the time to sort it out get the treatment you need when you have got your exams out the way? it’s just a couple of months, at least you know what is wrong now so it is one less thing to worry about compared to wondering what is wrong, can you try to push it aside to get your exams done? tackle one thing at a time, it makes life easier :) Good luck! x

  17. I am just starting out on my journey with mental illness, I think I may have borderline traits and reading these stories makes me even more sure that I certainly have some aspects of borderline in my personality. Thanks so much for sharing, it helps so much to know that I am not alone with what is going on and that I can begin to get better and manage my symptoms and my life can improve

    Good luck :-)

  18. I want to thank you so much for coming out with this because I thought I was the only one. not only am I BPD but alos PTSD!!!! Being two years we have split up about 6-7 times and married for a year we have split up 2 times and throwin the “divorce’ card so many times now it comes out natural. The last three months I have been getting violent, and even though he says its “ok” it isn’t..it was time to let him go. It has always been a “all or nothing” person, and I realize that unless I can get better, I didn’t want to not just go threw the unhealthy relationships, but I dont want no one to be with me. Its hard because I also have a issue with being alone. But I am in therapy and also on meds, and I know what day I will be mire in control of my situation.

    • I have been ‘alone’ now for a year since breaking things off with my fiance and yes I do get very lonely and hate being alone, but otherwise I am so much better and happier now, being in an unhealthy relationship was just making all my BPD symptoms so much worse. I too hope one day I will be happy and in control enough that I can have a healthy relationship again, for now I am just focussing on ‘me’ :) best wishes x

  19. Hi, thanks for posting this, i recently had a gf who i am pretty sure was suffering from BPD, i am a really patient very loving person, but this was so difficult even with so much patience, she never told me she had BPD but i am 99% certain she did, and it is only now after a few months i am getting over and trying to understand what i just went through. She put all the blame onto me, was extremely needy and i supported her at every step, but the more supportive i became of her and her problems the more abusive she became towards me and more critical of me very randomly from nowhere on a daily basis, she then suddenly just cut off from me and wouldn’t even respond to any text i sent, strangely making me feel like i was the person who had done something wrong. this behavior has taken me a while to get my head around and i am just beginning to realize she wasn’t well. one question i had though for you is ..and this was something my gf would do alot which i couldn’t understand why, she would randomly when everything was fine would just not answer phone calls and go quiet for days, and lie about things that just needed require lying about? i would understand if she was cheating on me but she wasn’t, really strange i don’t know if you can relate to this? thanks

    • Hi Adrian, thanks for your comment sorry to hear about your relationship. I can indeed relate to your gf’s ‘silent treatment’ I can go into phases like this myself, I think it is part of the dissociation of BPD where we shut ourselves off to anyone close for no real reason I have found that at those times the best explanation I can give is that I needed to be alone and contact with the people closest to me was impossible to deal with but being unable to explain in a way that people would understand I would make up ‘reasons’ that could be construed as lies I wasn’t doing anything wrong at this time but would say I was ‘busy’ with things that did not exist to avoid making time for that person and things like that. I would be off in my own world, I guess like taking a holiday from emotions and because the weight of other peoples emotions is always too much for a borderline to handle during this ‘holiday’ period any contact with other people and their emotions was like being hit with a wave that you can’t get up from, so you just blank them all out until you are ready to face the world again… Hope this helps?

      • Hi Sharon,

        This seemed to answer a lot of my questions about that, too. At least you were able to talk to your fiance a year ago and let them know why you felt the need to leave at that time.;)

        I know it may be hard to communicate what is going on within one’s self, when sometimes those with BPD don’t even know, or can’t explain it… I think it’s still important to try with your SO. Especially, if they have stood by your side. Otherwise, the person with BPD will be subjecting their SO to the same abandonment issues that they, themselves, supposedly fear… so, even if you feel the need to leave after years of being in a relationship, it still might help the SO heal if they have some kind of understanding that they meant something to you for all the years they stood by you.

        The illness (when looking at it from a non BPD perspective) can, indeed, seem very selfish, at times.

        I am, also, aware that a SO and/or some relationships will really make one with BPD have to look at one’s own actions (and internal conflict) and sometimes that isn’t so pretty…

    • Adrian, I experienced similar behavior in the weeks before my ex ended the relationship (using phrases like “right guy;wrong time” and “I can’t find the strength anymore” – which when you don’t realize what is happen or why, are so confusing you wonder if they’re purposely hurting you.)

      My silent treatments would literally come minutes after a text or voice-mail about how much she missed me or wished I was there. I could be working and attempt to contact her ten minutes later to arrange time together and she’d ignore the communication or decline the offer – even though she missed me. I don’t know if they were passive-aggressive attempts to make me miss her (which I did anytime we weren’t together) or whether they were her attempts to attempt to control the situation. If I imagine myself being taken over by rapidly changing emotions on a regular basis, I think I would probably be trying a lot of different things to FEEL like I had SOME control over what was happening.

      As needy as mine could be at times, and as much as I tried to help her understand that it was okay to need those needs, she often felt horrible because of it. If we assume that anyone in that position feels bad because of their emotional needs, and then we factor in that they don’t believe they deserve anyone to care about them in the first place and that the disorder is rooted in inner shame (many times a shame that actually belongs with someone else who mistreated them), it becomes easier to have some understanding over why the push-pull cycle happens in these relationships and why dishonesty is often employed to hide or mask what is really happening.

  20. I’m not sure sure as the borderline that the tenacity is all down to the non-borderline. There’s loads of forums I notice on the poor sufferers of people living with borderlines, yet Borderlines can end up living with complete idiots who lie, cheat, control, manipulate, use and and exhibit anger too you know? I’ve lived with a non-borderline for 20 years and the only difference between us is that he feels no shame or guilt for being horrible and blames me constantly. It’s me who has wanted to end it for years, but my fear of abandonment is so bad, he could as easily be an onion, carrot or some other object I’d attached to 20 years ago …. and be as frightened to leave ‘them’ as inanimate objects right now!!! Came to you your blog when googling tips on how I can get to grips with my intense emotions and actually follow through with getting out of this relationship, finding peace and setting up home on my own.

    • I agree, borderlines seem to attract people who have similar flaws without a diagnosis and as you say these people tend not to feel the accompanying shame, guilt and remorse that goes along with our behaviour. I hope you do manage to find a way to break free from this controlling manipulative relationship as since I managed to get away from the non-borderline guy who treated me like that I have improved so much myself I would now be unlikely to meet the criteria for diagnosis – his behaviour made me a lot more ill! Best wishes to you for finding freedom and happiness x

      • Hi thanks I have been following this whole thread. I was with a guy who I loved to the ends of the earth and was there for him on many occasions when he was down. For four months he called me his soul mate and said how gentle, patient, and understanding I was. At first we weren’t “official” but then after a few months he said that he loved me and he wanted to be with me and he felt like I was his best friend. I felt the same to him – we were so close. Then about two weeks later he suddenly told me we were cut from different cloth, that he was angry at me, regretted ever confiding in me, and that we had nothing in common. After that he would not respond to my texts or emails except a couple of times to basically express hatred to me and imply that I was an evil person. So I am sure he would call me “toxic” but the truth is we never had any disagreements and we got along and respected, understood, and loved each other so well for that period. A couple times he sort of freaked on me it is true, but I just stayed calm and waited for it to pass. I loved him so much. But now 9 months have past. Why do you think he decided I was evil when nothing happened? How long might he hold on this anger? It has really torn me to pieces to think what we had was so special and it’s like he has no memory of it. I have never called him sense the break-up but drop a supportive email every month or six weeks which he never responds to – usually like a casual update and saying, I still miss you and hope you are well. Then recently I texted him and asked if it would be alright if I called him. He said no way and that if I ever contacted him again he was going to get a peace order, and that my contacts were hurting him. I don’t think he has any idea he has BPD but he demonstrated almost all of the DSM traits except self-injury (though he has had suicidal ideas when he was younger.)

        Thanks.

      • I don’t know what the actual trigger was but I sounds like the ‘fear of abandonment’ coupled with ‘splitting’ definitely kicked in at some point to make him end things that way. He is most likely reflecting his own ‘toxicity’ on you as well. It may be hard but I think you need to close the door on it, stop all contact with him, no more emails or texts, if his response was so harsh it is not good to try to maintain contact with him. Sorry if you were hoping for a more positive response but I really think that especially if he is not aware of his condition nothing good can come of trying to keep in touch with him in this situation. Move on and find happiness somewhere else :) Best Wishes Sharon

  21. I am a none who broke it off with a BPD the day before Valentines. She was at my home prepping for a “special day” for me when I called her in the afternoon and she asked me who I was on the phone with prior to calling her. She then went on a horrible rant calling me names and a cheater and threatened to login into my ATT account (claimed she had all my passwords) and said she was doing all these “wonderful things” for me. It was so bizarre—she claimed she loved me yet was threatening me in a very demeaning way. I dreaded the next day.

    An hour later I called her and told her to leave my home and when I came home she had shattered one of my picture frames.

    That was the final straw for me after 4 years. There are so many other stories but this was the final final.

  22. Hi Showard, thanks for that reply ..i just wanna say i think it’s fantastic you do this blog and bother to actually reply to everyone, it’s so helpful, mostly i think people just need to understand, and it’s a real shame because if everyone could just see or understand what each other needed, lot’s of broken hearts could be avoided. i had one more question for you really, i have to say i really did love my ex and after one talk i had with her regarding lies i called her out on, i sat down really calm and asked her to tell me how i can help her to help us ..basically i just wanted to know how i could be with her, what did i need to do in order to make this situation work, because i couldn’t be with someone who lies to me, i mean is there a way you can with a BPD person? because it felt so helpless, even with so much understanding and being so soo calm with her, the only option that seemed viable was to reduce myself to a punching bag and of course that is not exactly my dream relationship i always wished for. i actually recently text her to say would you like to be friends, that i saw her dark sides and still wanted to be her friend and that i cared very much, but no reply, i saw she unblocked me on facebook which was hilarious that she blocked me in the first place as she was the one who was pretty hurtful and said very cutting things to me yet she unblocked me so i thought oh perhaps this is her warming up to try have that closure or start a friendship, when i added her as a friend she then she told me she wasn’t sure how i became unblocked must have been a mistake, yet you can’t mistakenly unblock someone ..again another lie of all the many. i guess i need to give up hope we will ever have that closure discussion or a friendship, and i am also guessing as she used to before we got together sleep around alot so probably is using this as a way to cope? i don’t know, BPD is so hard to break through, is that how BPD people deal with things they just close this much off and that’s it forever? i never really experienced this, it’s i have to say very cutting to be on the other end of, but it helps so much to read this blog, i guess she is just suffering and not well?

    • Hi Adrian, Thank you, the whole reason for putting my own life out in the open like this was to try and help other people and I believe that it is helping some which makes me happy :) Yes, understanding is the greatest thing we can hope for when it comes to difficult conditions such as BPD although I suspect no-one can every really understand it enough…I can understand why you asked your ex that question, mine asked me something similar – how could he help me so we could be together, but in the end nothing would ever have been enough with him. I didn’t realise at the time that I did not love him the same way he loved me (if he actually did either) I was dependant upon and relied upon him but he was controlling and manipulative which was what made me feel he was my world, looking back now I wonder if he was in fact a narcissist himself? any way my point is that asking her how you could help is something she would be unlikely to be able to provide an answer to, as she would not know. It takes a long time for us to gain any insight into how we can help ourselves let alone how anyone else can be of help to us, and further yet to transform those things into actions that can make a relationship work. For us, I feel, either the relationship works (naturally) or it does not and then the nest thing to do is walk away and not look back :/ While we are suffering and unwell there is no real hope for saving difficult relationships at that time and by the time we are well enough it is probably far too late :( I agree letting yourself become a punching bag ( either physically or emotionally, or both) is not a suitably resolution, no matter how much you love the other person, no-one should put up with that, abuse, lies, cheating etc are not part of a healthy relationship. Texting her to ask if she wants to be friends may not have been a good move if she is still unwell as her instant reaction to this would most likely be along the lines of ‘what does he want from me now, to use me some more now his latest slag has dumped him?’ (truth and facts not entering into the equation). Yes, sleeping around is a coping mechanism for some BPD’s (including me) and also a form of self-harm (unprotected sex, not caring about the risks). For me closing off completely is one important way to deal and move on, for me if it is ‘over’ and I feel wronged enough by a person they no longer exist at all to me, I close the door on them and our time and would never let them in again no matter what happened, I have done this with a number of people but I believe they fully deserve it, and I clearly meant nothing to them as it wasn’t like they even tried to contact me so I would not shut them out permanently… but then I do have a habit of attracting some very nasty people to be in my life and wonder why i end up getting hurt and never want to see them again – so I reckon I am better off without them? I hope this letting you inside my head a bit like this helps give you a bit more idea what kind of things may be going through her mind too!? :) Sharon

  23. This makes me sad but relieved at the same time that i am not alone in my misery. I appreciate your blog and have recently spent a lot of time reading your posts to let me know i am not crazy….I just act that way sometimes. Thank you~ Jessica

    • Glad to help you see you are not alone Jessica, we aren’t crazy just people struggling with intense emotions beyond what it considered ‘normal’ (but who gets to say what is normal anyway!? lol ;) ) x

  24. Hello and thank you for this blog. Always interested in psychology, I, in recent years have been doing a lot of reading about “personality disorders”, including BPD and NPD and to my delight ironically. Learning about these troubeling and at times, frightening emotional disturbances, has opened up a wonderful tool for understanding my own mind and why “it” had reacted in such damaging and unhealthy ways in the past. Children are so fragile and beautiful and if raised by healthy parents with healthy self esteem, will become adults who are fragile and beautiful and strong. While my daughter was growing up, I was suffering with my own childhood trauma and showed narcississtic and borderline traits, putting my daughter and husband in harms way emotionally. I knew I had to do something but my lack of trust would not allow me to seek professional help so I started to read as much as I could. I started to study Buddhism and breathe and meditate slightly. Slowly but surely I came to understand that I wasn’t a bad person, just a hurt person trying to be happy and live in a difficult world just like everybody else. I came to understand that childhood trauma is very common and I was not alone. I forgave my mother and my father and myself. My daughter is forgiving me through deep understanding and compassion
    and I know in my heart that my grandchild will benefit as well. Also, I have learned how to empathise with friends who suffer with BPD and love them.

    • Hi Lily, glad you are overcoming the traumas of your past. I too have found that reading about the condition has been a huge help in understanding, accepting and slowly overcoming the difficulties of living with BPD. I hope you continue to stay strong :)

      • Hi Showard,
        Thank you for your reply. All the posts her have helped me immensly. Thank you, thank you.

        About three years ago I had a bad break up with my ex. She was splitting me “black”, verbally abusing me, emotionally abusing me with extreme coldness and lying. I was so confused and hurt by all this until I learned more about BPD. I always instinctively knew that she was ill and that she really didn’t mean to be so abusive, but that didn’t help anything accept for me to understand better, and heal from this “nightmare”.

        I know that I have experienced some BPD traits and NPD traits in the past but not to the extreme that I witnessed here.
        Anyway, she’s back and not in a good place. She’s broke and trying to find a place to live and a car to drive with money from her new found job. She invites me to go shopping with her etc. and gave me a birthday present. I still love her because I always did and I understand her illness, but she’s emotionally weak. I’m not sure what she wants from me but I’m sure I cannot have a romantic relationship with her. I may be able to have a casual friendship with her. How can I help her?
        We still have a few laughs and enjoy eachother’s company. Can a friendship work here?
        Lily

      • Glad the posts help :) I think if things are going well on the friendship level at the moment there’s a good chance it could continue, and just being a friend without any additional complications is probably the best help you can give her, I don’t think it would be healthy for you to try to help her any more than that, if you get too involved in her life things may blow up again as too much pressure will be put on you as she will start to rely on you again. Keep it simple and maintain a healthy distance from her problems for your own sake :)

      • Hello,
        I think you’re absolutely right about keeping it light. She is already asking too many favors like picking her up from work. I have done this twice and am feeling like she could start taking advantage of my kind nature. I really don’t mind picking her up but I feel a little used so I need to stop to protect my own self esteem. I understand this. I would like to think that she actually cares about me on some level instead of simply needing me for a “void filler” in herself or to fufill a need to create drama or for any other reason. When I’m with her, I can actually feel her fears and insecurities, her anger is rampant and her sense of self, absent. She’s gay and hates herself for being so but expresses a desire for acceptance from others and from herself as well. I fear GID in her too and alcoholism and perscription drug use. My compassion is so big but her issues are bigger. Really, I don’t know how a person with so many issues can be happy and peaceful. I wish I could do more. I wish I could walk away. Why am I attracted to such a disfunctional individual? Interesting but scary. Any input here would be so appreciated. You’re really great Sharon. Thank you again.-Lily

      • I sometimes think that being so needy, childlike and vulnerable in our appearance is a huge part of what attracts others to us, in addition to the fact that many BPD’d are just so naturally charming, attractive and sociable. We are ‘magnetic’. But, I think that once people start to get closer to us we bring out the side of them that wants to rescue us from ourselves (and BPD), save us, protect us and ‘prove’ to us, as people who openly admit to not being able to believe someone could love us, that we can be loved, are worthy of love and that ‘you’ are the person who will prove this to us… but these kinds of demonstartion often act as a trigger (due to our lack of belief) that causes us to retreat ourselves… :/ Sharon x

  25. hi showard, that was a powerful piece that you wrote, but I also have a question I also had a break up with my bpd almost 10 mos ago, at the time her behavior was very strange,, she also has signs of being a Narc as well, I know the fact the relationship was unhealthy,and she had ended for the last time, why is it so hard for us non’s to move forward, it feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, maybe its due to the fact she came in and out so many times, 10 months has been the longest without contact, I tried reaching out to her and she never responded, I just really wanted to know how she was doing, so my question is when yall move on is that it forever, do yall ever think about your exes,

    • Hi Alanda, I guess that she normally keeps coming back is why you are struggling to move on, as you feel ‘on pause’ waiting for her to return again? I do think about my exes at times but yeah I think mostly when we move on it is forever, I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to go back to my ex now…

  26. wow thank you, you shed some light on something I was looking to find out, maybe that is the closure I needed, and yes I have felt like I have been on pause for a very long time even after she left 10 mos ago. its sad that we can never be friends, but I will continue to move forward, do you have any advice to help us non’s move forward.

    • I guess the best advice is the same as when any relationship ends, just focus on doing things that make you happy and being with people that make you happy, avoid the negative things, remember the good times, forget the bad and chalk it up as another life experience and remember not everyone will hurt you and let you down so don’t let that experience stop you from loving again when you are ready. But at the same time, having been through a BPD relationship hopefully you are now more aware of the signs of when someone is not stable enough to sustain a relationship and therefore you can hopefully avoid letting yourself slip into another relationship that goes the same way… Good luck! :)

  27. aww thank you yes I will, I have learned alot and in time when I am ready to love again I will be more aware, but also sometimes we non’s dont think what made us attract and also be attracted to someone with bpd, the signs were there before the relationship really took off, so I think if I also focus on that I would be able to fix somethings in me I need to change, but yes the relationship wasnt all bad, so I can take those things and move forward. but I do wanna ask if she ever does come back not for relationship but just to talk, what would your advice to be on that.

    • No problem :) If she comes back, even just to talk take it carefully, play it by ear. Listen and find out what kind of position she is in at that time, beware of getting sucked in because she is ‘desperate’, if you don’t feel comfortable with the way she is then back off as soon as you feel safe to do so. She may be in a vulnerable position if she comes back. You need to remember to stay strong for your own sake, ask yourself questions such as if she comes back is letting her back in your life going to be good or bad for you? What if you are happy with someone else, is being in contact with her going to threaten/harm that relationship? Overall just be careful if she comes back because there will be a reason for it and it might not be a good reason…

      • Yeah, I guess it is different with some people who have BPD… as mine did come back several times. I, too, heard that once a person with BPD really cuts you out of their life, that is that… but, it obviously varies. Maybe he also knows deep down how much I really have stood by his side when no one else would. I, also, cannot deny the love he’s had for me… so, things can get very confusing. I think if a person accepts that they have the BPD, is open to talk about it, go to therapy and have you involved… that is the best scenario, but they have to want that, too. And not for the sake of shining a light on them that something is wrong with them. That isn’t a good thing, either, but for the sake that it’s always a good idea for everyone to understand themselves. Going to therapy doesn’t have to be hard if you have the right therapist and you love each other…. it doesn’t have to be seen in a negative light at all.

      • Yeah, most of the people I have ‘cut out’ will stay that way forever but there are others who have come close but for whatever reason (I suspect my connection to them is not so strong anyway?) I let them back in… I think usually it is those who have not been so important, not stood by us (and therefore not let us down) that we can let come and go more readily? I fully agree about the therapy, it has been very helpful to me even when I don’t see the point sometimes I still go now :)

      • And to you:Devara I wish to thank you personally for your kind words and your obvious understanding and care for my well being as another person in the world that shares a common situation,Thank You.
        I hope things for you go well and I hope your dreams and wishes are realized.
        Cameron

  28. My ex has not been diagnosed,but she did say she was not right and after reading a lot I realised she had strong BPD traits, although she seemed to be the waif type. She was worried it was not going to work a few times and after 3 months together she made me commit to a serious relationship, I agreed and then she dumped me a week later when she having family issues. left me with a broken heart and continued contact for 2 months,she kept saying I deserve better and she could not give me what I want. I tried everything,she continued to tell me about her life everyday and her problems,some seemed exaggerated,she then told me she had a guy over the following weekend I lost it and cut her out completely. I still feel bad 4 months after this breakup. Said she could not be with me and she thought she loved me in the end. For some reason she still wanted me in her life, but I felt used and very confused. It is all very sad and she probably hates me now for slagging her in the end,but it was out of anger and confusion.

    • It sounds like you are better off out of it, the hurt, anger and confusion would only have continued if you stayed with her :( I hope you can get over it and find happiness :)

  29. Hi Sharon, I too came across your Blog through Google. It is wonderful. I thank you for emptying your personal information on the Internet for all those who can heal from it, including myself. I am in my 50′s and so was my gf. We are now separate for a lmost a year. She has BPD but is unmedicated and is in denial as well. She has a restraining order against me for something I never did. i never stalked her, nor harrassed her. She did those to me several times since the breakup. She also tried to have my medical state licensure revoked from the state where I live. That never happened because after the state spent several thousands of dollars for inspectors, they could not find any incrimminating evidence she decalsred initially that i was some sex predator. She got just soooo crazy on me. I could not believe it! Nor could my friends and family. She then notified my friends and tried to tell tehm I was a sociopath. I have such a big heart to have stayed in a relationship which was damading to me, but because I oloved her and “still do”, how would I fit the criteria as a sociopath? Then she took records to the Police department for which i am being arraigned for next week. Yes, she clearly tried to damage every thing that I was and stood for, to include my sanity, integrity, etc. but i was allways a few steps away spiritually and somehow knew intuitively what to expect. I seemingly knew the path and the way through a tremendous amount of hurt and pain and lonliness. As she causes all these malicious activities, I realize how she must be hurting deeply for me. Perhaps still loves me, but pushes me away completely because for some reason she feels she can not have me. Two days ago, she had called my ex boss who is also a female friend. My ex gf was very jealous of my female friends. Made up stories as if to convince me i was cheatoing with nearly any and all my female friends. Not true! It got me very dissapointed. She still seems to want to get information out of my friends about me after nearly one years of “silence”. I now live a crazy lonely life because of her, yet days that are deeply burdened by the fact that inorder for me to gain peace, I need to move on somehow. Life is tougher now than ever before. I have waited all my life to find someone I had loved. And loved I did. I still do. Thank you for your blog Sharon. This is the meaning of knowing of the depth of the human experience.

    • Thanks Peter, I’m glad my posts can help people, it certainly helped me to let it out! I hope your ex stops her continued attacks on you and that you manage to find peace and happiness again soon :)

      • Hi Sharon,
        My Ex BPD sufferer has not stopped engaging with me. She is totally out to destroy my life, crdibility, career, etc. She will be taking me back to court because she feels that I have violated a restraining order which was never violated in the first place, plus she has also instilled a harrassment and stalking order of sorts. That too has never happened. It is crazy. Indeed! I was caught in a whirlwind of chaos. I can only believe just hoiw much more she is suffereing than I am now. For her it must be continual. Please validate since i am amiss about the hows and whys of BPD. It is really crazy. Now I feel I will also have to obtain a restraining order on her. I now have an attorney as it is getting serious and potentially life threateneing because she stalks me here at my home and I don’t know how her mantation is. Thank you for your blog.

      • Hi Peter, so sorry to hear of her continued disgraceful behaviour, I agree she will be suffering a lot living with BPD as it is a living hell for those of us who have to live with it, but your own suffering is terrible too, I think you would be right to get a restraining order against her and glad you have an attorney because I think you need some serious help to get her to stop this harassment and stalking. I hope she stops soon!

      • Hi Sharon, I am very , let’s just say, proud of you sincerely, because you have opened up your heart to so many. AND many indeed are visiting your blog and praising you and yes, validating what you are doing here. I can not thank you enough. :)

    • Hi Peter,

      To me, it sounds as if she might be stalking you because you are the one who can get arrested if you are around her.;) Definitely, get a protective order on her ASAP, in order to protect yourself right now… and record *everything*. If you ever tried to reach out to her in a loving way, it could’ve triggered her, too, and could be why she’s taking action against you. The chaos she is showing to you is mirroring what is going on inside of herself, most likely. Once again, it is easier to place blame elsewhere than for her to have to look at her own actions. Regardless of the why’s, I’ve seen how things like this can get very ugly, so make sure you are protecting yourself, too. Take care of you first and foremost. She has to want to get help and she is unable to do that through you right now… because all the drama she has created. And, telling her she has an issue when she hasn’t yet accepted it, or, emotionally cannot… can wreck havoc on you… with the backlash of her immediate reactions to that. Although, her mental state will probably have to get brought up in court at this point anyway.:-/

      It seems that a lot of people with BPD are great at manipulating, too… even if it’s subconscious… meaning they may not even recognize that what they are doing looks pretty manipulative and deceptive. Some might not be aware, whereas others may, indeed, be well aware of this trait.

      I saw how my BPD partner could rage at me and then in another instant stay calm with someone else, when needed. Very interesting.

      Take care of yourself first and foremost.

      • Thank you very much indeed for your post Devara and Sharon. I have read it and it has meant alot to me. It very much hurts me deeply that I need to go to that extent to protect myself from her amidst her dis-ease processing through the fourth stage. Please correct me if need be. I believe since our parting a year ago and she still trying to obtain information from my friends about me, apparently she still is very interested in me. Though I realize I need to have her served. That way too she will perhaps understand and maybe have a clearer picture of who I am and perhaps have some respect towards me instead of trying to “kill/destroy” my life and career altogether. Emotionally, this has been devastating to me. I am now seeing a counsellor weekly and talking to my friends. There are two court dates in May and June where the court will determine whether or not I have indeed violated the restraining order by leaving three loving notes in the park, a mile away from her home, which were put there before the restraining order was ever issued. It would be her words against mine. I do believe if she is still trying to elicit information from my friends of a two weeks ago, she is still very much consumed by me. Love vs. hate stage seems to be apparent. No? She is using transference, In that I have become the image of her father and mother who had abused her. Though I never did abuse her in any way. For her though i feel it is delusional being that she will abuuse those closest to her. Please comment. I too suffer most every day with these and more thoughts of her. Now I can not find a decent job because she has this restraining order against me as well. Public court files are available to employers for background check purposes. It as too sad when imnfact I was not the cause of this mess.

      • Sorry to hear things are so bad and showing no signs of improvement Peter, I do hope that things come to light in court that allow you the justice you deserve and this terrible chaos comes to an end :(

      • Thank you for all your assistance Sharon. I do realize now more than ever that people with BPD do suffer exponentially with the “dark-ness”, the isolation, the chaos in their mind set. the love vs. hate episodes, etc. that most others can not understand. I have since amidst my loving her still, decided to take that big leap against my normal self and put a restraining order against her and then prosecute further for slander in superior court. It has gotten so bad, that it is almost impossible for me to find and obtain work. What’s worse is I am dealing with some hidden self of hers that now really hates me for reasons I really don’t know and I am going through “love vs being unloving towards her”. It really sickens me that I have to deal with this emotional trauma myself and sometimes it is just unbearable to hang on. What do you do with some one who is unstable mentally? Thank you Sharon. Hope i have not upset you in any way. Just speaking reality here.

      • It is a shame things have gotten to that point but you need to do what is right for you. Sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away…

  30. Thank you so much for sharing your insight into the way someone with BPD thinks in a relationship. I am the spouse of a BPD sufferer. I had to call the police as he attacked me. We are separated and he wants out the marriage after 8 years. I grieve for him and I am devastated as I love him so much and will do anything to help him. But he is unmedicated and refuses he needs help. I believe he is suffering with high functioning BPD which is worse as his family think he is fine and I am the only one who sees him the way he truly is after 13 years of knowing him.

    Thank you for your post. It helps me understand. I pray that you get better and that you find the happiness you deserve. No one should suffer like that. BPD is an awful disease to suffer with and no human should endure that. God bless.

    • Thanks Denise, I hope all with BPD can get the help and support they need to get better, including your husband, it’s so hard when a person will not accept that they have a problem :( I am doing much better now myself. I hope you will be okay :)

  31. Hi, Sharon, I was interested you said being away from your partner makes you a lot less ill now. My BPD partner left me 18 months ago. I was completely blindsided as I did not know the extent of his illness even after 8 years together, albeit 8 very difficult years. The first year after our split was the most painful time of my life. I couldn’t get any answers and he was so unrecognisably erratic, we hurt each other a hell of a lot.
    I spoke to him recently after 8 months of no contact and I find he is living the dream! He has a new partner, great home, marriage plans, success at work… the whole package. And he seems so “sorted” and content. And I am still devastated and a wreck.
    Selfish as I may seem, I am gutted! I gave my all to our relationship, loved him with all my heart and feel totally worthless to find he is thriving better without me. Please would you give me your honest thoughts on this?

    • Hi Debbie, yeah I have improved so much since leaving my partner, he dragged me down, controlling and manipulating me in ways that I couldn’t even see until after I had ended it, at the time I could just feel that things weren’t ‘right’ but not what it was about him that was wrong for me. As for your ex, he may be masking things and making them sound better than they really are to hurt you, or it could be true that he is sorted and content, but based on how I am and feel I would say that if he is in a relationship then he is not doing as well as he makes it sound because I know that I could not be happy and settled in another relationship for a long, long time after my last one. Time will tell but I suspect there may be more than he lets on. I think you should try to avoid any contact with him as it will only add to your hurting if you see/hear how ‘well’ he is doing without you. Like I say I am doing well without my ex, but not on a relationship level and I truly feel that a relationship would be likely to drag me down again, no matter how nice the person is or how good it seems to be on the surface :/ I hope you manage to find peace and happiness and let go of your hurt from your relationship with him x

      • Thank you Sharon, its kind of you to share those thoughts. I DO wish him happiness really, its just so hard not to be able to be the one helping him to find it. You’re so right that I have to end all contact and that is painful too.
        Very best wishes to you.x

  32. It’s Cameron again and yes I did get her post showard76 ,it was very beautifully written,and I did take it to heart,so an update with my first Angel Eyes,I say first because I resently met another woman that has the same Angel Eyes and she is also very special,No we are not involed I simply offered her friendship,any way with my girl,we have to my surprise been able to talk about a resolution to my pain of needing to see she knows how I love her and her pain of needing to show me yet unable to fight her metal walls built from those years of pain she was powerless to stop.
    We have decided that we will work on each other her on her,and me on me,now I know to people reading this they are saying”Right what the hell does that mean”lol I understand their confusion,and what it means is this,I have given her something no one has,the knowledge that I do love her very much and I will stop chasing her and expecting a diffrent result from my unbending actions,and she has given me the knowledge of being able to be the one she can call, email,and ask for my advise in her world which she has come to understand I know so well.
    She has been in touch and she has been telling me about her dreams of us in candle light and me charging to the rescue,those kinds of things,that makes
    me feel good since she has not expressed her even thinking about me in a thoughtful way for so long.
    We are still friends and I know if she wanted me in that way I would cave,she is a remarkable woman,point,is,that I told her I would never give up on her and that I was getting tired,”I think I even said that in this forum somewhere” any way,that made her understand that I did care and love her and for some reason it turned off that switch in her mind and for a moment my Angel Eyes I could see knew how I felt and what I meant when I said it,and I have to say it did feel good to see,you might think it was a high price to pay for a seamingly small reward,if you do truley love a person then I can assure you it was worth it and I would do it all again.
    I hope this makes sense to you people out there in this mixed up world,I know how hard it is to love,I also am a man that understands his own limits and were is own ego belongs,and this woman my Angel Eyes is the one that made it possable for me to look in the mirror and face my own demons,it was the only way to save me,and I had to take that look cause it was the only way to save her.
    I truley love every one of you that have shared your lives and knowledge of what you have learned and in you “real” heart felt statments it “does” help and I cant thank each and everyone of you enough!
    Showard76 “I hold love for you deep in my very soul for what you have done here”you have given hope to people that had none,and you give that knowledge (although painfull)at times it’s real,true and heart felt when you offer it,you also give it freely without any exspectation of anything in return,I dont know if you know this or not but that is very hard to come by these days,and again Thank you so very much,and remember girl I know you to are someones Angel Eyes and just know that you are loved by many more than you will ever know.
    Cameron

    • Thank you Cameron, your last paragraph bought tears to my eyes. I share my pain, thoughts and experiences here in the hope they will help others but as you rightly say, expecting nothing in return, maybe one day I will find the person who considers me his Angel Eyes, and maybe I will even truly believe it? I hope so :) Sharon

      • Awww, Cameron. I could, indeed, relate to a lot of what you said above.

        And, thank you for your own kind words to me. They meant a lot. I wish you the same on your journey.:)

      • showard76: I have very broken heart ….well again,I,if you remember was so happy to of made an arrangment with my Angel Eyes,to stop pushing,I think u will remember ,any way she got involved with a guy thats 59 years old(her being 41) and my absence was the blame she used,this was a guy she knew before we met,back when she drank allot and did allot of 420,she had stopped most all that when we were together,we would go out I would treat her like a lady,dinner maybe a drink and open doors that sort of thing.
        I see know why she would keep me at arms reach and tell me it was her hours at work and the weekends with her kids and I was never aloud over at her place sinse her and her male roomate,(another ex) got into a fight because he seen her and I together and raised hell and rushed back home,she made me take her back to confront him saying to me”he has no right””I told him we were roomates and nothing more”!but when I took her back she ask me to wait in the car,I heard yellingLOUD,and her 13 year old daughter is in there so I went in,they were squared off,he was pulling up his fists,her daughter was jumping around trying to get in front of Angel Eyes to protect her,I went forward no one sees me yet,I placed my right hand on her daughters shoulder,she spun around,seen it was me,and I gave her the it’s ok look and moved in front of her then in front of Angel Eyes,her daughter called cops,He tried to hit me,he missed,he then screamed for me to leave I said nothing as I could see the hurt in his face,the pain that when he then screamed”SHE DONT LIE!SHE JUST NEVER TELLS THE WHOLE TRUTH!”and I knew he was being told something other than what I was,he rush me head down and tried to tackle me,I did not move,I’m 6 foot 3 225 lbs he is 5foot 6 and about 140 lbs he would not let go so I threw him away from me,I did not realize he was so light,he went up against a wall feet off ground sideways,like a sticky spider kids toy,I slowly backed away,he grabbed his keys,I turned to meet AE coming full speed toward me but I would not let her get to him,she was enraged,uncontolable,I simply kept my hand on her shoulders not grabing just using palms and kept saying Angel Eyes,Baby Cub listen U go to jail Your baby cub will be here alone with him! stop! stop! listen to me ! calm down CUB stop!,she finally heard me,and as she seen him trying to rush out the door she swung her leg around me and kicked him as he fled.
        Because of that she told me that her daughter said I looked like an angel standing in confrontation with him so calm,when he rushed me I heard her daughter scream NO!!!1 I thought it was for me not to hurt him,Angel Eyes told me later it was she did not want him to touch me,made me cry,I did not know she really cared that much for me,however AE said I cant come over any more sinse I rag dolled him,and then our talk.
        She got together with this older guy that still lives by his moms money smokes 420 and drinks every day at the bar,I drove by and the whole family daughter the old drunk guy the roomate I saved from either huting AE or vise versa and her all having a nice dinner curtains open wide with all her girls and having a wonderful time.
        Why could not the roomate say Cameron thank you for stopping us from hurting each other,why did she use me to always be there for her but run around on me and then always come back and say”no matter how far I go,who I run to,I cant deny my heart,I need you” and then turn around 3 weeks later and do this to me.
        Im a smart man ,I love deeply,I’m 44 and been with 4 woman my whole life,I never slept around on her,was always there at the drop of a hat,she has called me at 4 am and was scared lost and cold and I went and got my Angel eyes,made her soup,gave her a nice canndle light bath all without asking any questions and with every thing non intement just being there for her I thought would show her I wanted to take care of her,this because she thought or said at least that I just wanted her for you know,I proved that to be wrong and later she admited she just said that.
        I know Im rambling here,I’m sick,my heart is killing me,I HATE THIS HURT!,and typing through these tears is harder than you might think.
        You will find your fella Showard76,you know why ?because if you are anything like my Angel Eyes but with the strength to put it all out there,for all to see,you have already done something my A E never could….you know what that is? HUH? it’s the trust that you had to release to give people MEN and WOMAN that have been just destroyed a shot at you!to tell you just what they think! and if you look back at the things written here you will see,that us nons dont hate you,or our borderlines or ptsd’s we love(loved) you,and I hope you see that the pain I’m going through might help you to see that allot of us have paid allot,not saying it does not hurt you I know it does,but girl,by the will of god try to let someone be there for you,trust their love,cause whats the diffrence,we hurt,you hurt,and I for one figure even though I want to just die right now,I would fall again for her,I do love her that much and damn it if Im going to hurt Im going to because I did go all in,I held back no trust,I was hers,being the damn fool I am prob, would be again,I hope this makes sense,Showerd76 if you ever can GO ALL IN,sometimes with the right guy and if you can do it given time I think you will see,”you know””I like this”.
        I hope you find him girl as much as I wish my Angel Eyes could have loved me as I trusted she knew I did her.I lost and it hurts!.
        I wish you all so well,I do love you people.
        I am going in for counciling tomorrow,I am not thinking right I feel worthless and un lovable,I feel like hiding in my damn room,I’m not me,and after being with my momma Cub,Angel Eyes for 3 years,I guess I have some untangling to do.
        Everyone take care.
        Cameron

      • Sorry to hear about these terrible things. I hope your counselling helps you get over the horrible trauma your relationship with angel eyes has caused you, you do indeed seem very broken by what you have been through. Take care of yourself now, that is the best thing you can do :) Sharon

      • You do have Angel Eyes ,you will find him,just understand that the only thing I can think is somehow,in some way,I might not have been able to show her I was truly hers”All In”,please really pay attention to the posative things he tries to do for you,when the feeling of “wait whats up”hits you,try to stop just for a moment,think about when you look into his eyes and see that (amber firelight)as my Angel Eyes used to say and think”wait I know there is a reason””and my girl you might just want to kick ur own ass in realizing” wow I see now that was a sweet thing for him to do,I dont think people want to hurt others,presidents dont become presidents to hurt,teachers start out truly wanting to help,just as counsil starts out really caring,Please always no matter how hard that instinct to run and hide pushes you,try to see the good in us all as I’m doing right now,u all have helped me so much and not being a cry baby or whimpy bastard normally,I …..Hey look no more tears,so again thanks to all of you.YOU ALL HELPED ME.love to all.
        cameronseyes

      • No angel eyes here, and unfortunately some people do go into things with the intention to hurt others. I try to see the good in people, but I usually end up being hurt as result of trusting and caring too much for people who do not feel the same…

  33. To Sharon H,…This is Cameron I was wanting to know how to put my picture in that little square by what I post,thought it might be nice for people to put a face to my words,can you help me do that?

      • No problem, and I’d just like to apologise again for the delays in replying to emails and approving and replying to comments. I have a very long commute for work, studying and ‘life’ to juggle in addition to the huge amount of emails and comments. I have to prioritise and work and studying come first… :)

  34. Devara: Your very welcome,and Showard76 you to,Both of you,please learn a little from me,if we all could truly in our hearts, know after all the jitters and fear, KNOW,that who we are with,” in our soul feels so right!” GO ALL IN! the hell with it,we might only live once,and if thats the case,then at least once we all should try to trust in the love we have for another and that trust we have in our own heart is what we need to show to our Angel Eyes or to us men,if we are to be forsaken or damn by god lets be damned for how we truly love!Hold nothing back.
    With love,Cameronseyes

  35. Forgot to mention the nail in my coffin,The older guy that she is now with(mind you she had been perposed to and said yes 2 times while we were as far as I was concerned a couple)and then came back to me crying which I forgave,any way,I told him,read up on PTSD/BPD it will help u love her likes she needs to be,be better than I was for her,cause I knew they were a couple,…the NAIL was the older guy sent me a message on my gmail SMS not realizing that he hit reply instead of texting her(he was wasted)and sent”Cameron is F’ing wierd! I love you(her name)and I really mean it”(why he would need to qualify that as a fact i dont know),so understandably pissed I sent him a little one back and said “learn how to operate ur damn phone!””what are you pushing60!then I calmed and said look just get word to Angel Eyes I would like some of my things back,and then .and hit send.
    She gmailed me and said you leave (his name)alone,and I threw out your stuff,stay out of my life and I’ll stay out of yours!.
    So you see I get Camerons F’ing wierd for calming down and trying to be adult about this,…see any time she would get caught,OH MY GOD the shit would hit the fan just like what she sent me on gmail,she would change facts,,,,,well u know the story from there,anyway,I’m very hurt again,cause I’m an idiot,but I know,..”KNOW”…that I would do it all again and I do love her and even though it seems as though I will never be able to hug her pain away again,I will always love ,that woman,my Angel Eyes,my little baby Cub,…I know I know,I am going to miss that little shit,she was my world,my ….well…Angel.
    Cameronseyes

  36. Oh ya the old guy never did respond to me,just went and cried to her,so she knew she had been caught,he should have left the text I sent him out of it and simply said we should give Cameron’s stuff back,and not let on I knew that way he could of looked better( not showing his mess up in the first place which obviously never crossed his mind),and she would not have had to go through that mix of emotion to run save bail or fight,but he did not do that,and so on
    and so on,so seeing that he is going to hide behind her is going to last very little,with her, and I have a sneaking suspition that I’m going to hear from her again,and Showard76,I am scared of that,I have zero defense against Angel Eyes,I dont know what it is,but I will say this,if we dive back into the ring together I am going to spell out ALL IN or nothing and as always stand my ground calmly and leave if she needs the room,Im able to tell you Im weak
    when it comes to her cause I could give a damn that my ego is kicking my ass right now for even telling you and as it is,IT”S the truth,so as you can see I am impossably attached to her,I can’t even cuss her for the things she has done without defending her,good thing I’m going in tomorrow perhaps someone can help me sort through this there,I will keep u informed if you would like,I realize that what I have told you here might have damaged your opinion of me some,but I figure If i’m going to be of any help to anyone else,I might as well try not to paint myself as perfect victim,cause an Angel I’m not.
    Thanks again everyone turn the page.
    Cameronseyes

  37. Hi… I have been following this thread and thought if sumone here can help me out… well I’ve been in a relationship with a girl since a year and a half… the start was beautiful and everything was perfect…but 4 months down the line things started becoming worse… this is my first relationship and I love her alot… we started fighting on stupid topics… again I thought this was all a part of being in a relationship so I kept it strong….afterwards her parents were against us and this freaked her out totally… I remember her telling me that she woke up everyday with the fear of losing me… she used to break up with me for the smallest of reasons… I was always left clueless and helpless as to why is she doing this… fights and arguments are on one side but breaking up every now and then!!!… we used to break up and then she used to come back coz she missed me alot and cudnt live without me…then slowly I got to experience her true anger… things were the same… she’s a dentist and is 23… her room is filled with softoys… not a big deal.. girls like them… but once when I asked her why did she love her soft toys so much… to which she replied that her soft toys cannot harm her like people can… she becomes hyper and has panic attacks if at all I do not text her for like 4-5 hrs coz I’m in office or majority of the tyms I’m in a meeting… her BP falls and her pulse is barely measurable…she broke up with me once coz a friend of mine told her that I was with a girl for an entire night… well that wasn’t true…. she realised that and we got back together… but what I Neva understood was that not even once did she ever bothered calling me and clearing out or at least ask me if I had done that… she just abused me on text and blocked me… somehow she always felt that I Neva did love her enuf… this she has personally told me… one year down the line she needed reasons as to why I loved her…I thought the main reason for this kind of behaviour was her parents disapproval… after a month of not staying in touch we got back together coz we really missed each oder a lot… she promised me that she would try reasoning out with her parents and I Neva pressed her coz I knew not all people are strong… but then after promising me she breaks up with me after an hour saying that she is too scared… again made a lil sense… people get cold feet… she freaked out… all this was taking a huge toll on m mental and physical well being…. she got back to me again and explained me that she breaks up consistently coz she fears losing me the most
    … the fights just add on to stuff… I Neva really understood this coz how can u abandon sumone whom u fear losing the most… still i made her life easier by saying that let’s just live our present to the fullest and assume we don’t have a future… still she ends up breaking up with me for the most ridiculous reasons… and when I give up on her she tries to get back… to sum it up all… when I met this girl she appeared smart and intelligent… but then I always wondered that how come sumone who loves u so much can abandon u repeatedly… how can she be so immature… I mean after breaking up so many times still she doesn’t understand the meaning of a relationship… at times she’s extremely immature
    … she is insecure and is emotionally very unstable… I love her… and have tried everything but nothing helps… she is always fearful and will always be… this is like a never ending cycle…. so is she suffering from bpd??…. coz I have never really understood this behaviour of running away repeatedly… please do help

    • Hi Sahil, apologies for the delay replying! It really does sound like she may have BPD, this cycle of running away and coming back is the ‘push-pull’ fear of abandonment she is suffering, and when you fear it that much you end up pushing people away before they can abandon you but then try to pull them back because you don’t want to be alone/without them and this cycle continues over and over until it ends, which is usually not good. You said she is ‘Emotionally unstable’ this is entirely true and also another name for BPD! She needs to get help, but you can’t ‘make’ her do this she has to want it…

  38. Sorry…. forgot to add one thing… we re currently not together coz she chose to break up… its been a month and now again she wants to get back… I’m really tired of all this… she claims she loves me more then her life but then ends up running away always…and one thing I’m extremely sure of… this female really loves me very truely…

    • It’s up to you what you decide, but if you don’t want to keep living this cycle I would suggest you shouldn’t get back together again because it will keep happening…

  39. Cannot relate. I tend to go to abusive men. So I just broke it off with my abusive ex and I am getting treatment and medication and I will not date until I can get a man who is not abusive.

  40. Dear Sharon,

    I have recently separated, for the second time, from my month-long relationship with my BPD-diagnosed boyfriend. He was the one to initiate the break-up, and he believes it’s for the best because he feels like all he’s ever felt for me was “instinctual lust”, that he can never be in a relationship because he’s “incapable” of forming an emotional connection to anyone, that we would be much better off as friends, if it’s even possible. Despite our time together, it was full of tremulous ups and downs. Even though it was short, I can’t believe so much has happened. The first time he attempted to break-up, I took the break-up with understanding and told him that I know there’s more to his words than he’s trying to show. The day before the first break-up, we had slept together for the first time, and that is when he told me that he loves me, that he had never “felt this safe” in someone’s arms since he was a baby in his own “Mother’s arms”. Later the following night, the night of the breakup, he dug horrible cuts into his arm for the second time, took photos of them, and posted them online. His online “friends” commented on the photos as if he was their own little guinea pig they were experimenting. They were interested in him only as if he was a case study, no one showed any concern or even began to tell him that what he was doing was dangerous or wrong. It was 2 AM when I saw the photos and began crying, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and immediately got into my car and rushed over to his house. I called him several times asking him to come down, and so he did, trembling down the staircase with a happy smile on his face but misery in his eyes, those layers of bandages wrapped around his forearm. I hugged him, tears in my eyes, and I wiped away the tears he was trying so hard to hide from me. I told him that it’s going to be ok, and that I had promised him that I would never abandon him, that I’d always see past his words and actions. I tried taking him to the hospital, of course, but he refused, and I did everything I could to make sure he was safe and comfortable. I got online as soon as I got home, and he told me he couldn’t stop crying because it was the first time someone was there for him when he needed someone the most. That I am “the best of them all”, a “fallen angel”, a “dream”. Eventually, and not to my surprise because I knew of his sickness, things began going down again, back up, and back down. Sometimes he’d act very cold and distant, and other times he’d be the most intimate, loving person you’d imagine. Several times when we were in the back of a taxi, he’d slowly move his hands towards mine and hold them so tightly. I could tell from the way he gripped and loosened grip through the entire ride that he was in conflict with his own thoughts and feelings towards me, and not just because we live in a society where homosexuality can get you arrested. It was his way of communicating to me what his words could never express. He cheated on me once, something I never thought I could tolerate in a relationship, but I took it with understanding.. I know he’s ill, and I know why he does everything he does. Your words have brought things a step closer into light. I want to help him, I feel I am strong enough for both of us. For now, he’s avoiding me, but I feel a big part of him is fighting it. He says he still wants to be able to contact me every now and then. I’m prepared for this, I’m expecting anything to happen. I just want to know what you think, and add suggestions if you have any :) I really, really care about him, I don’t think I’d be here posting this comment right now if there was a part of me that felt too weak for this.

    • Hi H, thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear of your boyfriends difficulties, what he really needs is to get some help to manage his emotions, therapy or something like that. It is very honourable and loving of you to be willing to tolerate his behaviour to help him and love him but I caution against giving yourself too freely to him when he is not getting help. If you really want to be there for him you must set firm boundaries on what you expect from him and his behaviour or he will walk all over you and things will quickly become toxic which will be damaging to you and your own mental health, he is right that he is not really capable of forming a stable emotional connection, but that is for now and may not always be the case if he can get help. If he is avoiding you at the moment I would be careful not to push things too much in trying to maintain contact, wait for him to reach out to you but when he does be ready to be strong and firm don’t allow your love and his weakness and illness to allow him to mistreat and use you, he may not be doing it intentionally as it is just a part of having BPD to unwillingly have poor management of your behaviour but if he really values and wants to hold on to you, be it as friend or lover, he will be willing to work on improving his own skills to enable you both to have a meaningful relationship. I wish you the best of luck! Sharon :)

      • Thank you so much for your reply, Sharon :) You’re right, I’ll be very firm next time we speak. I just don’t know how to communicate to him that he needs help without hurting him or making him feel insulted ): He’s very stubborn, as well.

  41. Thank you so very much for sharing this, and all your other posts with the world.

    The woman I have been married to for 26 years suffers with BPD and I had no idea of how to properly communicate with her when her symptoms intensified this past year.

    You described so many feelings so much better than the hundreds of pages I’ve read in an effort to educate myself on this. Now, I understand and we will both benefit from your efforts.

    I’m so glad I found your blog, keep it up, I admire your bravery and honesty.

    • Thank you Dave, I have tried to just be honest and share how it feels from my point of view. I know not everyone will see things the same way, even others with BPD but I can’t speak for other people, nor can anyone else. I just want people to see the reality from the fiction and from most of the feedback I think people consider I do a good job of it :) Thank you again and best wishes for you and your wife x

  42. Hello to everyone, and thank you for the past couple of hours :-). I have just found out this blog, and it has been like having a conversation with my ex?BPD partner, who has just started me isolating (for the second time in our lives) about a week ago… We have never speaked of this situations before, nor I was aware of the BPD before.. But now that I read.. oooogh my..
    Anyway, I would like to ask anyone who had experiences like this, especially guys and girls that themself suffer from the BPD two questions.. If anyone is willing to discuss… So, the first one is about her love at all.. Cause she has never told me anything like ‘I love you, you are the one’.. she just showed it.. and I am the only person she’s actually isolating now. She accused me of being to caring and to loving. I was wondering can it be that even she herself is not aware that she loves me, just acts like that and hiding it from herself? The other question is how would you like someone who loves you to approach you. She wants an isolation, and I will give it to her, but today is very hard day, because my emotions are all over around me :-(. Previous days I was quite sure I want to talk with her and express how hurt I was, but to tell her she has to decide if she will try to keep me for further on, but today I would do and accept everything :-). Maybe I suffer from the BPD partly, to, ha? :-))
    Guys, sorry if my post is confused and bad English, because it is not my mother language, but I hope someone will be ready to discuss my thoughts.. Regards!!!

    • Hi, thanks for your comment, glad the blog is helping you understand your ex. In answer to your questions, It is difficult to know if she loves you or not because she probably doesn’t know herself, BPD causes confusion of emotions so we (I have it) find it difficult to believe our feelings and know if they are real or not. With your second question I think it would be best to allow her isolation if that is what she is asking for as she probably needs it to try and help sort her feelings out. Maybe you do suffer BPD partly too!? hehe:) Best Wishes

      • Tnx Sharon very much! Hearing about confused emotions relaxes me a lot.
        As for my BDP, I strongly believe we all have different attributes that go one way direction or another, it just depends on the percentage. You see, I am a math person, so I calculate everything divided by hundred.. Hehe.. I will stay up to your blog for sure, but in case I don’t post anymore, I send you also best whishes!

  43. Thank you, my dear. Your words have brought me an understanding why my ex-fiancee broke off with me after I had discovered her other persona in a double life of drugs, sex & debauchery in her own home. In the day, she is a devout Catholic & we even pledged celibacy until we married. She demanded we cut off contact because she was in love with her drug dealer — a man she stood by as she threatened me with grievous bodily harm if I did not leave her & her company whom I caught in an orgy that night — & that in the eyes of God I was nothing to her. She texted me a few days later to return a religious article for me at Church & saying my mom & I will always be in her prayers. It is all a mystery as she still attends Church almost daily. Perhaps our relationship would have been a painful reminder of a hypocrisy she feels is not in her control. I wish there were some way I can let her know that I will be here for her at her worst moments in life & she needs the love she seeks in our religion. Last week, I found a book that belonged to her & she refused even to look at me when I tried to return it to her in Church. For now, I can only do as she says she will do for me … pray.
    Thank you for your openness & honesty. I only wish I had understood her condition the time I caught her, managed my own pain of the discovery & knew how to deal with the situation better. All the best in your endeavours.

    • Sorry to hear about that, it sounds horrible! I think praying for her is the most you can do, given what you describe I think letting her know you will be there for her would not be met with a good response and only leave you open for being ‘used’ if she wants to take advantage of your kindness :(
      Best wishes to you I hope you are able to recover from what you have been through.

      • Thanks for the concern too, Sharon. I had decided to go through counselling because the experience was traumatic — I suffered from insomnia, night sweat & nightmares. I’m probably suffering from depression as well because I have started to neglect my volunteer work. Studying BPD & even acknowledging features in myself that got me attracted to her in the first place has been helping me a lot. I still see her on occasion in Church & she looks like she is now suffering from anorexia as well & putting on goth make up which makes her look scarier. A common priest friend has advised me to continue to keep my distance but remain courteous & cordial & — if I’m really sincere in having forgiven her — to respect any attempt by her at reconnection, but as a friend, nothing more. My counsellor has advised me to “protect” myself first if ever that occasion happens by knowing & standing firm on my boundaries. My spiritual director urged me to, in my heart, not begrudge her the opportunity to seek the grace of God & simply continue praying for her recovery or — if she refuses professional help — a happy death where she reconciles with herself. I can’t believe that I’m still in love with her yet i understand that I must protect myself from the complexity of her condition & be kind to myself before I can be really able to help her.

      • I fully agree with both your priest friend and counsellor about being courteous and having boundaries should any reconnection occur, protecting yourself has to be your priority. I’m glad you have some good support networks to help you as you recover from your experiences :)

  44. Well, Sharon, hello there again. Maybe you all guys knew better than me that I will post more in the future, ha? :-)
    Anyway, first of all I would like to ask you if it is OK with you to post things like this on this discussion, this is your personal blog, and I am putting my story here almost completely, I don’t know if it is OK? The reason I am doing this is that I feel like you and guys around here are very rare persons I can talk with right now openly and honestly.. And maybe some discussion might help all of us feel a little bit better?
    Anyway, I have a completely new situation in my BPD relationship, so I was hoping I could hear an advice / opinion from folks over here.. After three weeks of NC with me, and her having contacts with other friends, I heard that the sister of my ex?BPD is very ill, and that my BPD is spending every night in a hospital with her now. I believe it is very hard for her, and just for the old times, I would like to offer my help. I would say smtng like: “OK, our problems stay, but let’s survive this together, and after that we will see what to do”. But I am afraid of her reaction or that she might act like I am a crazy stranger offering her smtng. Any thoughts?
    Thanks in advance and best wishes!!

    • Hi, yes you are most welcome to share your story here, I like open discussions on my blog :)
      Sorry to hear about your ex’s sister, hope she is getting better? To be honest while she is under all the pressure and worry of her sister being ill I don’t think she would respond well to contact, even just offering support as she is likely to be in a very difficult place emotionally and her reaction may be very negative and angry. Probably best to just kind of ‘watch’ from afar and maybe try to let it be known, carefully, though friends that if she does need support the door is open for her to contact you (although I suspect she wouldn’t!) hope this helps :)

      • Hey Sharon! I read your reply this morning, and the “I suspect she wouldN’T” part rather confused me. I thought to my self: “OK, either Sharon put negation by a mistake, or that girl is just not that into me, she won’t call”.. And guess what.. she called in the mean time.. Heheh.. So, now I runaway to read part “how to talk to a person with BDP”, and ask you to keep your fingers crossed for both of us! Should I mention that I am scared to death before our next seeing eachother :-(.
        Regards distant friend!

      • Hey :) I’m not sure what I meant there but if she has called then it probably doesn’t matter hehe. I hope it has gone well since the call? I have my fingers crossed for you, but please be careful and look after yourself! :)

  45. Hello this hit the mark for me glad i found this page i too recently had these this happen to me i meet this girl about 4 months ago the first two months were great she was so loving and caring she would always be there for me when ever i needed something i too treated her the same way. She would say u are my soulmate u are the perfect man for me u treat me so kindly and have lots of patience with me she would say that no one had ever made her feel this way we would talk on the phone for hours on end and spend lots of happy moments together in about the 2 months she started to act jealous of my friends and family i have a big heart my true friends who have being there for me in the bad times and goods times have helped me and i have to helped them and same goes for my family she would see it as a bad thing for me to help them so much she would say everytime i ask my family for something i have to give them money u know things like that i would tell her that well some people are like that and some people truly help you with nothing in return they do exist and she would say that people like that don’t exist those were the first little problems that after that she would get jealous if i would visit my friends or my family so i agreed with her and started to spend less time with my friends and family and gave her almost all my time. After that we had planed to go out dancing i forgot put my shoes in the car when i arrived at her house i told her what had happend she got angry with me saying how she would feel trapped and that she couldn’t do anything now that i was in her life when just about a day back she said on how she couldn’t live with out me and that she hoped that i never left her. Soon after that it was good again than about a week had pasted my phone rang and it was my mother calling she quickly said it was probably some girl and someone i was cheating with i even pass the phone to her to speak with my mother when i did that she got more angry with me later that night we went out for dinner she was constantly saying that i was looking at all the women that passed by i would say i love u and i will not disrespect you like that ever she followed by saying you men are all alike and compared me to her past boyfriends she would say things like i’m always the one who has to settle or twist my arm in this relationship i can’t tell u anything or u get mad and out of the blue she would tell me are u mad u looked angry or sad when i wasn’t it got so bad that i ended the relationship after i did that she called me left me tons of texts of how could i let her down she would bad mouth me with her family only telling her side of the story on how bad of a man of was with her then she would text me back how she was sorry and she would change so went back together i did love this women after all after that it was never the same like the first month she would that be angry or feel sad for no reason no matter what she never felt happy my brother got married and he was waiting to move into a new apartment so i told him to stay with me for a little for the time he waited to get his new apartment she told me that she didn’t like me staying with my wife’s brother alone she would accuse me of me sleeping with her it was really bad i could not take it anymore and the end she told me that she could not trust me anymore and that she could not be with a person that she could not trust i don’t think she can’t anyone not even her family she also sad that she had to time for a relationship when it was always the opposite i tried to stay friends with her but she would always get upset with me and blame me for the break up and change she would get she would mention it i than ended up leaving her completely i have never had this type of experience happen to me before it has being tough on me i think more mental drain than anything now after a month has gone by i feel a little better and now me reading this i can go on feeling less to blame on how i could of being more there for her and more understanding now i understand that i could not and ending this relationship was the best thing thank you

    • Yes, I agree completely ending this relationship was for the best, she clearly had so many difficulties but if she was not willing to try and get help and get better it would only continue to be a very toxic situation :( sorry you had this experience, I hope you are managing to recover now! :)

  46. Most people will never know the pain of truely loving a bpd and giving all u ttruly have to show them just to be pushed away!

    • Hello, I had written earlier and my post can be found at “A sweet relationship turned to hell”. I can and do indeed understand your pain, frustration and angst and perhaps all the emotions you are experiencing regarding this potential horrendous loss you are now suffering. After two years with my ex girlfriend, I am still not over the intense feelings I had for her. After all her sweetness initially and also stating that i was the best in her life, she now became the “other” persona. While every one who suffers with BPD is different, most take on very similar traits per this “disorder” in various klevels of intensity. I am a state licensed nurse and have practiced numerous years with psychiatric patients so I perhaps have an edge in on the diagnostics, etc. My ex put me through court and she gained the authorities belief in that she is the “victim” on all counts and continued to file grievance correspondence and victim claim forms to the various courts, attorneys, notified the victim advocacy group, the adult protective services in order to make me into a criminal because she thought i was some sexual predator. I was not only appalled, but confused and clinically depressed, for how can I love some one and that the same time realize i must end this horrendous painful journey before it gets any worse. She then tried, however unsuccessfully, to have my state license revoked. Then proceeded to notify all my friends that i was a psychopath and sociopath and a sex predator, etc. This consumed my entire life for ONE year. I lost my job on account of her and potentially my career because now I have a background check that is no longer good…………..no thanks to her. She is on a rampage trying to ruin me. BPD has atleast four (4) stages. the first is the loving stage where you become their every thing. The second is the “clinging” stage. Then the third is the yelling/raging stage and finally the violent stage. Later comes the “cutting self haterd stage. “Mine” has a dual persoanlity like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. She also dables with the “dark” side, self medicates and is not on any psychiatric medication nor approved treatment. If your BPD partner has any or atleast part of what I had stated here, the best thing is to try and “convert” the relationship into a friendship, because they WILL change given the cycle of this mental disorder/emotional dysregulation or simply cut your heavy emotional losses and “RUN”. i pray and meditate most every day she is doing better and will seek the treatment she deserves, but now I must love myself.

      • I hope Mike sees your comment Peter, thank you so much for sharing your experience. Well done for having the strength to break free and love yourself, I hope you are doing okay :)

      • i got to the stage of yelling had i stayed more time with her it would had gotten worse to the point of her cutting her self in the end she told me that when she was 14 she self mutilation and that she has not done it since once in a while she tries to contact me when i answer she is in the loving stage the i won;t hurt a fly and understanding stage she would always make me out to be the bad guy she would say another one to my list who did me wrong i felt so bad and hurt inside cause it was all the opposite i helped her move out of her old trailer house which was one room and she has two children i got her new furniture and a new lease for a 3 bedroom trailer really nice i did that for her and her kids unselfishly as soon as i left about 1 week the guy who i sign the lease to call me up and said sir you can not have any more ppl laving in your trailer that are not in your list so i called her up and told me that she could not be alone that she always needs someone at her side always that really hurt me alot with all my heart i took her out and her kids to try to give them a better life for them not so that she could bring her ex into that new trailer yet she would always say how her ex would always beat her up and now she is back with him in the end i just want for her to fix her life to get help but i don’t think she wants it i will not answer her calls anymore i can’t stop my life everytime she calls i have to move on with mine no matter how much a listen to her she won’t listen to me this has to end

      • Hi Anonomys, thanks for your comment, hope Peter see’s it so he can respond :) I hope you manage to get over what you have been through :(

      • I am responding to the person who wrote June 24th at 9:45pm per Sharon’s request. While I am not a Psychiatric professional, I am a State Licensed Nurse and have several years working with psychiatric patients in lock down wards, clinics, etc. As I read your correspondence to Sharon. I am finding you to be consumed by your girlfriends motives and behavior. It is vitally important you recognize that beyond what you can help her with, you also have an issue called “co-dependence”. While the name codependence has been given a bad “rap”, in my opinion people who have care-giving skills should not be judged as such. While we “have that” condition at times, it is important to recognize when we went “too far” and accept the fact that we can no longer help this person out who is suffering from BPD. AS you know this mental disorder has everything to do with emotional dysregulation, the cycle will repeat itself. I would not suggest you “go back” as you had during/after the violent stage to try and fix/help her in the way you had initially because as I am reading your blog, you are being consumed by her and hence are also going down the same path she is by your perhaps trying to enable/understand her. Us who are co-dependent must realize how we react with people who have BPD and conciously make an effort to control the temptation to “help”. We need to put more FUN into our lives and resume a life of happiness and responsibility as for the most part, those with BPD, do not have the later. They tend to lean on us for their support because for the most part they did not have that support during the early stage of their lives. Our entire being/energy can cget onsumed, then we too get pulled into the “disorder”/tornado. We must learn to love ourselves and definitely seek out the opportunity for therapy as I have and am. It is hard I know, but through our journey we can and will re-learn the art of coping and thence direct our life towards a journey which is healthier. The support system of friends and family is huge. Please get help as you are feeling pulled towards her in the way that you do. I sincerely hope this helps any one who reads this. Thank you for the opportunity Sharon.

  47. Thank you for sharing and being so brave, your experience helps us all. I am in the same situation as you and it’s really hard. I support him financially so I have to wait that he leaves me when he is finacially independent and it’s killing me. I hope things went okay for yiu and yiu found peace. All the best to you.

    • Thank you, I hope you manage to get your freedom soon. In many ways I’m doing great but still a long way to go to find peace! One day I will get there :)

    • Hi “Anonymous” and Sharon. Thank you for the opportunity to leave a reply as I do sometimes. Amidst all that I am going through as a result of much of what “she has done to me and our relationship” even though it does take “two to do the tango”, I realize my errs, but I am also beginning to realize the “spider web” I was drawn in too, the feeling of her “poison” as it had inoculated me. Then the cataclismic “fall” of both of us into the ebb and depth of the tornado we had both endured and for so long. Her “black magic” sure did not help anything, merely intensified everything else and events that had occurred and the continued very real feeling of her putting somewhat of a hidden “spell” on me from the distance and not simply because I am thinking of her daily. It is something that “normal functioning” people do not do. I really have a heart, have very deep feelings towards her still and because I do, it is very hard to “let go”, if at all. I will never forget about this nor will i ever fully overcome every thing that had occurred because it is still occuring in my heart every day. That “feeling” of being free from it all and simply “shaking it off’ or “moving on” is almost impossible for those of us who had really cared and still do. A huge part of us not only wants too, but is still in love like I am. It makes it harder. All the therapists in the world can not solve our non-BPD issues at hand. They can perhaps prevent us from becoming insane. It is up to us to cause the initial “release”, the break we need to keep and maintain a healthy outlook on life. It came to my attention that the basics of life are extremely important now. How my energy was drawn away from me, sucked out of my conciousness is now not any surprise to me. These basics should not be avoided. In order to “start” loving ourselves again, we need to eat right, sleep well, exercise. Usually, as I had experienced, it starts working slowly, but One must keep at it. Time does not necessarily heal. The knowledge of knowing that “we” can heal and become “whole” yet again has much spiritual strength. Surround yourself with positive thinking people, family and great friends. This will heal the wounds eventually. Talking and sharing with people who understand is very important in the journey towards ultimate healing and optimum health. : ) <3

      • Hi Peter, time may not heal but it can make it easier to cope and as you saying loving yourself is vital to being able to move on, even if you never forget or let go. Good luck on your journey! x

  48. Here’s a question. I am diagnosed with BPD. It happened after my boyfriend had a freak out during an argument and dumped me. With all the behavior he has exhibited since then, I’m pretty sure he has it too, but he refuses to even look into it. Whenever something becomes too much for him, he puts a band aid on it and pretends like nothing is wrong. I want for things to work out between us, but because he’s so confused about what he wants and how to make himself feel better, the best I could do was step away and lay out why we shouldn’t see each other for a little bit, as i felt he was still relying on me for comfort even while he spins around with a push/pull cycle that kept putting me in vulnerable places. I miss him every day and I wish I could help him, but I have no idea if creating distance will actually do anything. I don’t even know if he misses me.

    • If he has BPD and won’t admit even to himself that he has a problem there is not a lot you can say or do that would help, you will know how his thought processes are working due to having BPD yourself, but until he accepts his problem you will only experience the horrendous push/pull repeatedly, which you don’t need having to cope with on top of your own BPD emotions. It is impossible to know if he misses you or if the distance will make any difference as he most likely cycles between missing you and caring and not :(

  49. I understand that you feel guilty and don’t want to hurt this person anymore, but, as someone DATING someone with BPD, I can disagree. As much as she tries to push me away and sometimes even trying to make it look like I’m leaving her even though I have no intention on doing so, I’m perfectly happy being with her despite the stress I get from her sudden suicidal behaviors. She still attempts to break-up with me but comes back a day later apologizing to me and, well, the make-up is always so good. I don’t know about her, but I actually enjoy the roller-coaster ride. It makes me feel alive and I love her more than anything and would do anything for her.

    She says the exact same things that you do, but it’s understandable to feel that way even though, honestly, my feelings aren’t really fragile. Other than her own problems, worries and doubts, I don’t take her insults or threats too seriously. You should know that people who date someone with BPD, despite what you may or may not think, eventually adapt to them. People with BPD have their own way of trying to keep a relationship going and you should know that there are people who are tolerant enough to accept that they can ‘manipulate’ and have impulse issues to get what they want.

    I love her and always will, no matter what. A lot of people advise me against it but hey, we always see the sun after a storm, right?

      • It may do as (my son has aspergers) there are lot’s of similarities in the emotional capacity of BPD’s and aspergers, I was seeing a guy for a while after breaking up with my ex who had it too and his apathy to certain things and own emotional states seemed to balance me out and helped me stabilise at a time when I needed some grounding to help me get better after leaving my ex :)

    • It’s great that you are able to be like that and your BPD partner is very lucky to have you. In my situation he would on the surface offer undying love and support but his actions (controlling and manipulating) spoke louder and being with him only made my BPD worse, so for me it was best to get out, he was not like you. I am a lot better now and hope one day to find someone who can handle me without enabling or encouraging my bad behaviours but accepting of and able to help me through the rough patches :)

  50. Hi Showard,
    First off, I think it’s pretty brave of you to put yourself out there like this. It definitely helps reading the insight from someone who actually suffers from BPD and seeing what they’re going through.
    My story: probably a common one, but incredibly painful nontheless. I was dating someone about a year ago and for the first time in my life, I thought ‘this is the guy I am going to marry’. We are both in our early 30′s and we just an intense connection and could talk for hours. Anyway, he had been divorced before (6 years ago his ex wife left him on his b-day with no closure and he claimed he never was able to get over that pain and he would never put someone through that..). I always could sense something was different about him; he was hyper-sensitive and seemed to question me a lot when I would seem more confident about myself. He never quite understood ‘happy’ people yet he wanted so badly to find the wife and have the kids–telling me it was going to be me. He’s an incredibly successful surgeon and one of the reasons I fell for him is b/c he’s one of the few that actually cares so much more about the patient than the $$. He would get attached to his dying patients, and admitted to me he knew it was unhealthy but that he just seemed to connect more to those that were unhappy/struggling and in pain. I guess that should’ve been a sign there, but I had no idea about this thing called ‘BPD’ and just thought he was extra sensitive. He did say his mom often accused him of having a ‘persecution complex’ and I remember having to google that to see all in which it entailed. He had a strange relationship with his family and really seemed to have anger towards his mom, who he said during his childhood really made him feel like he was never good enough, so it got to a point where he would act out just to get in trouble, since it seemed like he couldn’t please them anyway. Again, I just thought this was someone opening up to me, I didn’t really think he was suffering from much, much more . We dated for about 4 intense months and the fights started to occur. Now, I have to be honest when I say I caused a few of them….they were your typical arguments–I think one time I got mad at him for being late and he never let that go and actually dumped me the first time we got into an arugment. That is where the pattern of ‘break-up/make-up started and never stopped. What would be a silly argument turned into a week of me begging for him not to bail on this relationship and go tto a point where i was neglecting everything else by putting in all my energy to help him. Fast forward to last Feb. We had our last argument and he said it was for sure, 100% over. Not really believing him, I called his bluff and still tried fighting tooth and nail to save it. He then said ‘he just needed some space and wanted a future with me, but needed to try and break the pattern we had’…so I obliged. Then, it seemed i was ‘out of sight, out of mind’. The more I would fight for him and tell him I missed him, the more he would dissect my words into negative and use that as reasons we weren’t going to work out. Then he’d send an insanely romantic email about how he had so much hope for our future but his heart isn’t there quite yet anymore, and needs more time. Then….he called me right after my bday in March, and said it was 100% over and I needed to move on, as he has. I was shocked and nothing made sense to me so I begged for some sort of explanation why. (I was a mess and I am sure my cries didn’t help…but it was hard..very hard for me to let him go). He just turned so cold and told me he had made up his mind and for me to leave him alone for awhile so we could ‘both heal’. I had a trip planned to Belize with some of my friends and went–i had posted some pics on FB that were pretty harmless, but there were my guy friends in the pics…and I guess he had decided to get back on FB (he cancelled his account for 7 months) and he must’ve seen those pics b/c he defriended everyone mutual except one friend, and then posted a pic of him and a new girl and put ‘in a relationship’. I cringe at even wrtiting this b/c it sounds so juvenile that at 32 years old, people would behave this way. I just remember staring at the pic and wondering how after just 14 days could he have a brand new relationship. It made no sense to me….and he HATED FB with a passion and always mocked ppl that put ‘in a relationship’ and I was extremely close to his family, so for him to shame me that way, I am just curious if his family thought anything of it. ANYWAY, I didn’t make contact with him at all and just got off FB all together. I did send a pretty honest email to him 3 months later, basically telling him how cold and selfish I thought his actions were and how he hurt me and pretty much did to me what he claimed his ex did to him (which now I question on how sincere that story was..) He obviously didn’t respond but just last week he sent me a box with some things I left behind with no note, nothing. I mean I just figure a ‘hey, haven’t talked in 6 months but found these things at my house’ and that’s it? I don’t know why I care, well, I care because I feel like I never existed to him. It bothers me. A lot. I called him and left him a V< a few days ago just thanking him for sending me my stuff and told him I'd like to talk to just clear the air between us and how it seemed pointless to end things so badly. I obvs don't expect to hear from him, but with no closure for me, it was the last thing I could try to do. It makes no sense, but reading this does help me a little bit. I guess my question is: Are you really able to convince your mind that a person you once loved or cared for just doesn't exist? Or is it possible that I got to him so much, I got too close to him, and the thought of talking to me again is just too painful? I only ask b/c it helps me understand.
    Sorry for the novel. I haven't talked about this, much less written this out before.

    • Hi Aspen,
      Sorry for the delay replying! a lot of what you say sounds familiar to me, strangely though, while I was the one to break things off, it was my non-bpd ex who acted in more of the ways you describe than me! He too was very quickly ‘in a relationship’ with someone else and cold towards me despite him begging me to stay and claiming I had broken his heart… I can understand your need for closure and wanting to talk to him but I think it may be easier for you to take his cold, harsh attitude as the closure you seek? As for if we can convince our mind that the person we once loved does not exist, yes very much so, horrible as it sounds for me on the (very rare, 4 times in total) I have cut someone out of my life permanently it is almost like they are dead. I have a grieving period (where I am vulnerable to them if they are trying to keep hold of me, but being cold towards them to ensure they stay away) but once that period is over it is like they never existed (it’s actually really sad). BUT, even though this is true I would also say that the reason for it is also exact;y what you ask – it is too painful for us (for many different reasons, depending on the person/relationship). Hope this helps? Sharon x

  51. Good article, I was with my BPD partner for about 4 years, she recently broke things off with me out of no where in July and started seeing another within about a month after that the weird thing is she is now holding onto this guy who has left out of state for college. Things make a lot more sense now I’ve researched BPD, I wish I had researched this earlier on, I still care for and love her and hope she gets the help she needs someday. Its very hard for me to move on from her and now I fear she never really loved me and just used me for an attachment purposes. It hurts knowing she could move to someone else so fast. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to see some type of psychiatrist?

    • Hi, yes it wouldn’t hurt for you to seek some help in getting over this for yourself. The end of a relationship with someone with BPD can be very traumatic and there is no shame in needing some help, even just someone to talk to, to help you heal. Go for it :)

  52. Thank you for this great article. Although I read so much already, real life experiences come sometimes so harsh and unexpectedly. I still look for anwers, but perhaps there aren’t any. It is that I came too close to my friend/lover, that he now wants to be left alone.. Do ”they” do this to the people who they love the most? I have seen him at his lowest, and althouhg I said that is what friends are for and he should never feel ashamed, it seems to backfir because he is afraid of getting hurt. Does that mean he is already in love with me? I so want to be there for me, but it is hard when someone you love can be so cold and devil like. Sorry to bother you all, thanks for this great atricle..e at me. He say he doesn’t want to fall in love iwith me

    • Hi, Yes, it can be very hard to understand how someone with BPD is feeling because we can be so torn in ourselves and uncertain of our feelings. I hope you manage to get some answers… :)

  53. Hi Showard76

    I really enjoyed your article as its very insightful. Indeed a relationship with someone who has BPD is quite the life event. Nothing like one would experience from a normal relationship. Here is my story. I would consider myself a beta male. Not co-dependent or people pleasure but one who is independent and respects other peoples feeling values etc. My story begins with a women at my work in the same department. We got to know each other by means of working on projects together. She was fun and imaginative and easy to work with. In time she started to get flirtatious with me via text and verbal. At first I played it off as I figured she was not serious but soon after I got hooked. So when I replied to her advances she would push me off. So when I did not engage in her play further she again drew me back in. Push and pull over a period of 6 months. I came to a point and clearly said I was interested in her and had done so several times until she finally said “you are?” why is it the boys I truly like are the ones I clearly don’t see. She got emotional and asked if I knew this other guy at my work. When she said his name I was like yes I know him and I think he is a jerk. She admitted that she slept with him. I was taken back by it but respected she told me. My gut instincts told me to run but foolishly I did not. Anyway to make things more complicated we both have a common friend which this woman who had BPD did not realize that she was like a sister to me. SO when I told her she also did not like it but said for me to give her a chance. Anyway I did we dated for 4 months . Warning signs she gave me were the LOVE bombs and bought me gifts but I also gave her gifts back. She made advances which no guy in there right mind would turn down. Only I did not take advantage as I really fell for her and wanted other aspects of the relationship to develop before going to that level. My co-worker (sister) agreed as my BPD GF would always complain on what’s wrong with him. She defended me saying nothing you finally met a guy worth having. So she was somewhat patient but every date would remind me of a hotel. Anyway I met her family and began to understand her better. She was the youngest one in the family of all girls. Her mother was cold and moody so that’s when I started to clue in on my GF. I had a feeling her family may not have liked me as soon after like 2 weeks she broke it off with me by saying if you see someone else go for it. I was like really serious? So I called her bluff because I did not want the roller coaster ride anymore. A week later she begs me to take her back but at the same token blames me for shutting her out. I caved in as I really fell for her even though my peer said I should not. Anyway it was a moot point as when I was with her this time my feelings were not the same. I also felt in our brief break up she shacked up with some guy as I never took advantage when she was with me. She denied it when I asked if she did? Anyway after a month I ended it over the phone and then she had the nerve to say we never broke up because we never were together.
    So I did not disagree because it was pointless. She constantly blamed me for everything when we were together. She lied manipulated controlled and cheated on me! unfortunately I have to deal with her at work as she came back after being a way from work sometime. Questions: Should I expect at anytime she would want me back? Considering that all the men in her life who took advantage would I stand out for being that perfect gentleman. Next should I be concerned of any revenge ploy by her. Also can I ever expect to have any type of relationship with her? I still don’t harbor any ill because I am educated on BPD will but she avoids me so is that normal? Reading articles on BPD I believe she never loved me and only wanted to use me. After this experience would you agree? Lastly my friend knows and backs me up, but is constantly bothered by my ex what words of advise do you have for her? Too bad I cant be more like Max (in previous comment above) but 2 things I cant stand are LIES and CHEATING as they are deal breakers. I try not to be judgmental but it seems from other posts that people with this disorder have those traits in common. Thanks again for your blog , your insights and feedback in advance. I find the more people share the better off we all are:)

    • Hi, Sorry for the delay replying. Sorry to hear what you have been through. To answer your questions… It depends on her ‘splitting’ as to whether she may want you back or not, if she paints you black and cut’s you off it will be like you never existed to her, but equally your ‘relationship’ with her could be an on/off thing over and over for a long time. Her avoiding you is one of many possible normal reactions, but an indicator that you don’t exist any more to her, educing the possibility of any kind of relationship at all. The chances of just being friends with her now are slim. Revenge wise it depends, most of us wouldn’t be bothered other than possibly flaunting our conquests around you, if she is the revengeful type I don’t know what you could expect as I’m not that way inclined myself. I think it is very fair for you to have the boundary that lies and cheating are deal breakers, you should expect mutual respect in a relationship and that means no lying or cheating so fair play to you! I cannot stand lying or cheating myself, which may sound hypocritical given that I have cheated (but lying is something I am virtually incapable of, other than by omission which is complicated…). To be honest I think the best thing you can do is move on and forget trying to have any kind of relationship with this woman as you are likely only to get hurt again if you try…

      • Thanks will take your advice at least I’m educated thanks to people like yourself educating the masses who do not have BPD. It kills me she will waste her life away one guy to the next but like noted in other blogs not something that’s in our control. I wish like any other “disorder or sickness” that it did not exist. I wish all mankind were healthy body n mind. Its tragic reading these stories and feel for both parties involved more so the ones with BPD who do not except that they have a problem. Power to you and appreciate your honesty and articulate answer. Thanks again! Wish you the best:)

      • Thank you and you are most welcome. Indeed the only person that can control what we do is ourself in the end, some of us need help to be able to learn how to control ourselves in a less damaging (for us and others) way, but not everyone will seek/accept/follow any help offered :(

  54. hi .. i would like your opinion on the current issue i have with my ex gf of 2 years .. she recently broke it of with me about a month ago .. a few things which i believed brought out her fear of abandonment which caused her out of the blue to say she does not love me anymore and that i deserve some one who can love me as much as i love her .. i was left shattered and heart Brocken and still am to this day .. her nan passed away who she was close to and her new job is really demanding .. she started to ignore me and shut me out completely.. i got a professional opinion on my current situation which left me with no real answers to find a way of winning back the girl i truly love .. since the break up our mutual friends tried to get a answer out of her she just replies with i don’t know i just don’t love him anymore .. I went nc with her for 4 weeks in that time she has been having partys and having friends over her house including inviting my mates over and inviting my sister her birthday .. which was hurting me because she was acting like i never existed.. just last week out of the blue i sent her a message saying hey how are you .. smily face im ready to talk if you want to meet up .. she replied saying we can talk if you want to she was surprised i messaged her and she was a little bit scared .. i said yes it would be a good idea she said she cant for a few days as she is busy but will contact me the following week because she is not busy and she understood why i shut her out for so long with out talking to her even though she insisted on staying friends which i refused .. now im stuck with what to do now and how to approach her knowing that she has these issues and shes willing to meet up and talk .. im worried she has moved on already and that she has no feelings what so ever for me .. she said i was the best guy she has ever had and i know she did truly love me at some stage . i just need to know how to approach her in this meeting so i can either get closure or get back with her .. if you could help me i would appreciate it ..

    • hi, I’m not really sure what to advise, I guess the best thing would be to try not to have any hopes or expectations. Go in as a ‘friend’ and potentially at that first meeting try to avoid discussion of emotions and relationships, just stick to ‘safe’ topics so you can get a feel for where she is in her own life at this time. Maybe if it goes well and you meet again then you can try gently touching on more emotional subjects. Treading carefully has to be the key thing, don’t rush in or let her rush you. Small steps… Good luck!

  55. Hi Showard76.

    Thank you for an amazing read and for giving us a better understanding of relationships which include BPD. I hope you are still open to givinh me some advice, there hasnt been a post for a couple of weeks. I am a non BPD sufferer.
    Id just like to tell you my story , if you dont mind.
    I met a beautiful girl and we instantly hit it off. We dated for a year and a half but have been broken up for about nearly 3 weeks now. In the beggining I did notice her taking medication and I asked why politely. She informed me that she suffers from depression and so does her family. I didnt think much of it and I decided to obviously move forward with her. As we got to know each other better we started to speak of the past and divulge a bit of our history which I thought was a great way to understand one another and get close emotionally. This was around the 6 months mark*. Then her stories became a bit deeper. I discovered that she had been subjected to childhood abuse from her father and her mother was not there to help, instead her mom became addicted to sleeping tablets which meant my gf was alone fending for herself and little sister for a few long years. That saddened me because I had an experience from my grandfather which I openly told her, we grew so much closer because we could in someway or another understand and connect through certain terrible events in our past.
    Not long after that things started happening … there were arguments more regularly etc. Fast forwarding now to about a year of dating. I found myself starting to apologise for everything. Incidents were getting worse. I am a pretty laid back person, but when I am pushed and prodded to many times a can lash out ( just like most others). As soon as I lashed out she would instantly shut off her emotions ie she wouldn’t talk to me, wouldnt acknowledge me and she would want a break up. She was going through a tough 14 weeks for her PRAC. I was there for her and supported her every second. This is where I saw a HUGE change in her. She would call me and literally pick a fight with me for no reason and then decide to break up with me after the phone call but then the next day she would cry and apologise and say she didnt mean it and she was so stressed. This happened nearly every week for 12 weeks! As you can imagine, I was an emotional wreck. She kept somehow turning the blame on me. I was constantly confused as to how things were so up and down and so often. You must understand … I also made mistakes and did my fare share wrong but what I started to find A LOT in my case was ” the punishment was not fitting the crime”. Id make a small mistake and id be treated like a murderer and then she breaks up with me.
    I loved her and always stayed with her but I was subjected to increasingly more of these mood swings.
    A few months ago it started getting to a point where I was apologising for everythin. All I wanted was things that any normal relationship has… I wanted UNDERSTANDING and FORGIVENESS. Its strange now that when I look back.. I was constantly asking for forgiveness, begging for her to understand my point of view and always the one to try and be positive and make things work.
    It all came to an end about 2 and a half weeks ago where we went camping. Things were great and we were enjoying some wine and myself a few beers. My friends were there and were joking and teasing me and I started getting annoyed. Anyways.. one thing led to another and I got into an argument with my gf. Things spiralled out of control and I just snapped! I think its from all the times she would not listen, nor forgive . All the times I had been strong and positive for us ,only for her to blame me. All the times she broke up with me for the smallest of things. So after our argument u should already know the pattern of events… she shut down emotionally. Cold hearted and calculated. She broke up with me again and has made everything my fault.

    This brings us to present day: she has deleted me from facebook , going so far as to even block me. Deleted me from whatsapp and wants nothing to do with me. She never once mentioned to me that she could be a BPD sufferers but taking frm what ive been through, im 100% sure she is. I would like to know a few things. She studied and has a degree in psychology. How can she not know what she is doing? How can she not see that she is hurting me? Through everything I have put up with and all I have done, she treats me like I dont exist. I cannot explain to you how painfull it is. Giving everything and getting nothing!
    What happens now? Is she feeling sad or upset? Is she missing me? Will she find another guy straight away. The last thing she said to me was… dont worry about her being with other guys because she wont. She said she isnt going drinking at to night clubs and she has learned to respect herself. Oh and shes renewing her faith. Can I believe this????
    Is she telling the truth?.

    I look back…. she started dating me 3 weeks after her and her ex broke up. She said that he was a horrible bf and was abusive and stole A LOT of money from her mom. I feel I believe her but il be heartbroken if I find out she has found another guy and slept with him within 3 weeks of us breaking up. I know everyone is different .
    Its just very strange … she is like a wolf dressed in a sheeps clothing. She can be so amazingly sweet and loving yet she can be downright heartless and cold.

    Im left her licking my wounds and hurt because firstly I feel she lied to me and didnt divulge her true medical condition . I asked politely for her to see her phycologist but she made excuses and didnt want to. Secondly im left with nothing . I gave everything I had and actually helped her so much with regards to her self esteem issues and self worth. I was alwsys there for her YET now I feel its all my fault and she pretends I dont exist. How do I move forward? I feel like im a prisoner in my own mind. Its extremely mentally debilitating.

    Please if you could answer my questions id wholeheartedly appreciate it.

    • Hi thanks for sharing your story. It is very common to a lot of the comments I get on here! To answer your questions…
      How can she not know what she is doing? How can she not see that she is hurting me? – Intelligence and a degree in Psychology have no bearing on the BPD, when we are unwell with it we really can’t see what we are doing, to ourselves or others, in a normal logical way. We can’t control a lot of what we do, it’s like being in a speeding out of control car destined to crash but someone else has the steering wheel, we are just the unwilling passenger unable to stop the events we can see unfolding in front of us from happening.
      What happens now? Is she feeling sad or upset? Is she missing me? I can’t say how she is feeling as it will depend on whether or not she is splitting, and many other factors. She could very well be feeling sad, upset and missing you but equally she may be happy and glad its over and almost like you don’t/didn’t exist.
      Will she find another guy straight away? Can I believe this???? Is she telling the truth? Again difficult to tell, she might not go with another guy straight away, but she also might crave comfort in the form of non-committal sexual pleasure. Equally she could be telling the truth but could also just be saying what she thinks you want to hear.
      Sorry that may not sound very helpful as I’ve not be able to give you clear answers, but that is how things are with BPD, you never known what’s gonna happen, but often it will not be what you expect…
      You mention several times that you ‘lost it’ and ‘snapped’ etc, can I ask do you mean just verbally or physically?
      It is possible that she does not now the true nature of her illness and has only been diagnosed with depression, many times doctors tried to tell me I had depression but I knew it was more than that, deeper, but not everyone does or if they do they are too scared to confront it and find out what it is.
      Moving forward yourself now is something you have to take one day at a time, you are going through a process similar to grief because of the intensity of the relationship, it may be worth getting some help short-term yourself, a bit of counselling. there’s not much else I can suggest because moving on is just something you do have to find your own way to doing. I do wish you the best of luck in moving forward :)

      • Thank you for your reply. Please excuse any spelling errors due to me typing from my phone. To answer your question, no , never physical. .. it was a verbal feud. Id like to know.. are there varying severities of symptoms with regards to BPD? Does EVERY Bpd sufferer crave random sexual intamacy?? , surely not?. I can say that I do know my ex’s past due to my city being reasonably smallish’ and from what I know she hasnt “slept around”. I know it may be a silly question but can a bpd tell a truth whilst they are splitting you black? Its been a month now since we broke up and I am slowly moving forward. The pain is still here and my thoughts do sometimes still stray in her direction ie I think what she may be doing etc. I have been reading a lot about recovery from a BPD relationship and I know its more difficult compared to a normal relationship. I can say that I am controlling my thoughts better cause the more I think of her ,the more pain it causes me…. which feels as if she has more power over me. Do bpd’s sometimes realise their mistakes and try to re engage a relationship? I pretty much know that it will be destructive and I have no hopes to be honest. Im sure that time heals all wounds.

      • Yes the severity of symptoms can vary immensely between people with BPD, given that there are 9 criteria for diagnosis with a requirement to fulfil 5 to achieve diagnosis, making over 200 ways to be diagnosed people with BPD can be so completely different from each other you may not think they have the same condition… although from what I have discovered it seems certain characteristics are more common than others, random sexual intimacy does seem to come up quite often as a problem a lot of us do have, but by no means all. Just as I have found the violent/dangerous/manipulative types to be less common in the general population (but more common amongst prison/secure hospitalised BPD’s). Telling the truth is another thing, for me lying is extremely difficult (near impossible to a person’s face) yet others seem to stream lies as though they are truths so much they even believe what they are saying themselves… Yes some BPD’s may try to re-engage a relationship, for many different reasons (including recognising their own mistakes) but in most circumstances allowing this to happen is likely to be a bad move and things may be great initially but if the BPD has not changed it won’t be long before the same patterns emerge again and things become toxic again :(

      • Thanks again Sharon.

        It seems to me that my ex bpd gf actually negatively convinces herself that I am a “monster”. Thats definitely what hurts a lot. Also, the way I just get brutally shunted from her life. Its very scary to know that one minute you are the love of their life then the next, just a stranger. I guess im battling to move on cause by nature I seem to be a fixer and I dont like seeing people battle. Now I seem to have been dragged down with her and im left with an instinctual need to STILL try help and make her aware of what she has done. I gather she may never understand nor feel remorse. I need to move on and tell myself that she isnt my obligation anymore.

      • She never was your obligation but I can understand your desire to help/fix/rescue, I am by nature a rescuer myself (This is part of the Drama Triangle from Transactional Analysis – might be worth looking it up to see how you go from ‘rescuer’ to ‘persecutor’ with her in ‘victim’ state). Good luck and best wishes in your healing x

    • Hello Ty. I am in my 50′s and also, like you, am a “NON-BPD” sufferer, however as you can tell by what you are going through, you too are very much suffering in agony. I had suffered greatly as well. The relationship was mentally debilitating! I am also a state licensed nurse. I had a girlfriend, like you, who did exactly the same as what you have mentioned here. It is almost a picture postcard sampler of the similar events that took place with me. She also blocked me from Facebook ,etc and made me out to look as though I was completely at fault. She spread slanderous comments to the public about me and my friends telling them that I was a sociopath, psychopath, etc., etc., etc.. Please remember, “these pepople ARE truely ill”. There is no way around it!!! They require medication. She was not on any medication at the time. She, as I had discovered on my own, very much later, was involved with witchcraft as well!!! ………………..And dope extensively. That was used basically to “tame the horse which drives her mind”. My discovery was indeed extremely sad. She was coaxing me to marry her. yet accused me of cheating with the world. I wanted to marry her, but also very much knew that something was very wrong. Did I love her, should you ask??? She was the most awesome woman that i had ever met at first and for a long time, until I made the grim discovery. Why did I think she was so awesome? “They” hide behind their childhood wounds and the mental illness, blaming “you” for every thing “they actually are”. They don’t ever want to know that they are flawed in any way. They will say that to you though!!! They are already on the verge of “splitting’ you from the get go!!! They know how to become an expert chameleon from the get go to make others like and love them. They want to be liked and loved just like anyone else. They become a chameleon. Because of their disorder, they hide from the public because they have much “shame”, and realize they are infact flawed. They push most people and mainly the ones that love them most, AWAY! They also have windows of awareness where they realize they have indeed hurt people, but because of their shame, they will probably not return to the relationship once she has “split’ you away. however each person is different. Until they can grasp ahold of what is actually running their life, they will spin again and will most often take some other victim with them. It is the way with them. It is an extremely sad life for them. While I have felt very sorry for her, we must not forget about the impact on our own lives they have caused. I have indeed learned how to love my own self. It is the best thing. YOU must make your self happy now,……not later!!! I don’t wish for anyone to go into the depression and suicidal tendencies I have gone through as a result of someone elses mess. They need to stand up for themselves. I have only this life to become the person “god” has made for me. I don’t want to risk that chance again to “fall ” victim again like I did. Mental illness is indeed a horrifying dis-ease of the mind. Its “dark” triggers occurs in peaks and valleys. It is infact a cyclical mood/emotional disorder. Did I love her? Sure I did!!! I still do!!! I wanted to marry her. The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was to break away from someone who I still loved, no matter how crazy she was. I am sure she has remorse! After she took me to court on false charges and many other crazy things……………….IT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO BE HAPPY, TO LOVE YOURSELF, BE WITH GOOD FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHEN YOU ARE IN CRISIS and mainly keep talking about it with people who you deem close to you. It had saved my life because I had given the relationship my all……….I sincerely wish you the best in your understabnding of this disorder and the strength that you can one day move towards a better light of happiness. Bless you brother!!!

      • Hi Peter

        Thanks so much for your reply. It its so amazing to know that people genuinely care for others in their time of need.

        Its been 5 weeks or so now since the break up with my ex bdf gf. Its amazing how with each weak that goes by I seem to see a bit more clearly about what was happening in my relationship. Its very unfortunate that my ex is in a hugely toxic environment due to her mom,sister and brother all suffering from mental illnesses duely caused by her abusive father when they were children. They all are lovely people but there is just NO guidance for either of them, especially my ex. So I do not see any way for her to get help. Like ive said in previous posts, either she lied to me when she said she just has depression OR she actually has not been diagnosed properly at all. Out of the 9 diagnostic traits a bpd must have… she has 8 of them !!.

        As for myself. I am moving forward slowly but for some reason I cannot get rid of the “good times” in my head. I mean, I appreciate them but seem to be holding on too much which causes myself great depression and sadness. She has split me black and the last conversation we had was about 4 weeks ago she said she had been crying in her mothers arms for days. Now I hear she seems fine and is going on about her daily life and having fun with her friends YET I mope around having to deal with this sadness. I have a good support base, amazing parents and great friends, I do realise I am very lucky but at times its hard because I feel like I have this big hole inside me and only I can fill it and fix it NO ONE ELSE can do it for me. So at times I do feel lonely and the words of support do fall on deaf ears. Its as if there is a switch in my mind that has “good times” and “bad times” that we shared but im damn well stuck on all the good times ! I constantly literally have dreams of her and I together, only to wake up in the morning to know its not real… then back to feeling sad again. I am not constantly feeling this way. It only seems to be when I am alone or when I wake up in the mornings. I am doing sport and getting out with friends etc but OMG it is tough dealing with being split black and completely shunned out of a bpd’s life.

      • Ty1985. First of all, I’d like to thank Sharon for this blog she has created and the opportunity for all of us to engage in this forum of sorts.

        We are all different. Not one person is exactly alike in this world. Therefore there shall be issues, misunderstandings, and sometimes even problems amidst peoples’ understanding of each other, cultural ways, and mores, to be included as well. However “target diagnostics” such as “BPD” infer the definition of certain types/groups of people who have very similar behavioural characteristics. That being said, not one BPD is alike the next. My BPD ex was super loving at first, then clingy, then yelling/raging, then the violence ensued and the courts/law got in the way. Mine situation ended up to be complicated and terrible. However I did know and realize what I had felt. I was truely in love with the person whom I fell in love with the very first time I had met her. It was a dream. Because “they” want love so very badly, they will become, like mine did, a chameleon and started to mirror every thing I was and did. Later, as the disorder started to peak, I started to realize she was not her “normal self”. They spin us into their reality by their codependency to us and if you are a “nice guy” and in adddition to that, are in the healthcare field, then you are doubly “co-dependent”. So finally we have two codependent people very much engaged with each other. It is typically a bad situation ultimately because One does not get to know and understand the other person as much as we should under “normal circumstances”. Initially “loving a BPD” and vise versa takes on a rapid cycling of the BPD’s disorder upwards as it peaks, then downwards. That cycling back and forth and finally when they split you away from them is what we call instability. They spin “us” into their reality!!! Medication can stabilize BPD sufferers. The variability of the peaks and valleys become “softer” with meds. And so the rollercoaster ride is also not as bad. However without meds, in our s.o.’s case, and them being undiagnosed, it is like a napalm bomb going off. It is extremely cyclical. Non BPD sufferers experience being led down the wrong path of self destruction as they find their partner can not and does not have much or nothing to offer in terms of a solid and stable relationship. I know of your dilemna, your pain, your agony, your depression. Please remember that “these people” are not well. You must allow your mind to accept that fact. While you and I maystill love our BPD sufferers, it is so important to take care of our own selves. It has been almost 1 1/2 year since I have seen my ex. People say that time heals. It does, however with a BPD s.o. It takes much longer to recover because of the “depth” of the relationship we have been pulled in too. We also must realize that we chose to be pulled into the depth of their suffering. We therefore suffer as they do. It is normal for non-BPD sufferers to have the feelings you have. Those feelings of longing will take a long time to wade. Simply because the relationship was/is so intense. They magnify their plight most all the time. We end up caring for them deeply. Later to realize we get split away from them. We must continually remember the bad times they put us through. We must also remember the fact that they are “Not well”. These facts and your support system will eventually make you well……………………………………………………………

      • This message is for Ty1985 and everyone here on this blog site. While I value Sharon’s input tremendously and also found information which was extremely helpful for my “recovery”, I also found yet another site extremely valuable for myself where I gained an immense amount of knowledge and healing. The site is “tearsandhealing.com”. I have no affiliation, but like with Sharon’s blog, I found it extremely helpful for me.
        Also wish to mention to “ty1985” that as with my BPD gf, she too did not disclose her disorder to me in “full” during our relationship. She tried to control its triggers throughout our relationship. I don’t know of any one in my world who would be so brutally honest as to disclose all their “skeletons” in the closet. Someone who is mentally ill as with BPD sufferers, do not necessarily disclose their plight because they, like we all, want to be in love, we want to be liked, accepted, etc. Full disclosure by your gf would mean the possibility of you “rejecting her”. ABANDONMENT is exactly what most BPD sufferers FEAR most. Most sufferers have painful abusive childhood experiences from their parents and close family. Because it is so painful for them, they create a sense of “dissociation”, ineffect to over-ride the prior years of painful thoughts. It has no thing to do with us “nons”.
        An excerpt from “tearsandhealing.com” as written and published by “Richard Sherritt”:
        “Our SOs’ emotions tend to move through repetitive cycles. Some parts of the cycle can be particularly difficult for a non. If anything, abusers are unstable. They carry tremendous emotional tension with them. Innocuous triggers can unleash this tension. Moreover, AA has taught me that the stage can be set by simple stress on the person: HALT – being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (and I would add PMS). My XW was very prone to trigger when she is overtired, which she was a lot.
        Typically, this emotional tension drops via the expression of the extreme moods and behaviors. I don’t know if it’s cathartic, or just exhausting. It certainly is hard on us nons. But after a while, the emotional storm will pass, and she will return to a calmer, more reasonable state.
        Most of us have been through some fearful abuse at the hands of our SOs. This is hard. This is painful. And it leads to denial. Especially when they are able to get themselves together and function with a more normal level of emotion and behavior. There’s really no helping it. Sometimes on the support lists you’ll find members warning others about expecting too much when things are quiet.
        But it’s not a logical thing. It happens at a lower level. It is, in effect, our minds’ way of protecting us from painful thoughts. Our minds simply refuse to retain the conscious images of the rages, dysphoria, and abuse. This is called dissociation. Since we don’t vividly recall these, we tend to let our conscious thoughts follow. This is denial.
        But, when the abuser’s emotions cycle back, whether it’s a cycle or an eruption triggered by something, the denial runs smack into reality, and it’s like hitting a brick wall. And it hurts. It feels traumatic, and it is. Because we’ve been in denial, we have trouble accepting what is happening. This makes it even more painful. And this, my friend, is the cusp of the cycle.”
        Hope this helps in your recovery…………………………..

  56. Hi Sharon,
    I’ve read through these posts and really appreciate the opportunity to communicate with someone who has BPD and can share the viewpoint from that side.

    I’d love to know your thoughts on my situation… my partner of 6 years LDR abruptly ended our r/s 5 weeks ago by email, just 2 weeks after our last vacation together and after we just finished buying and renovating an apartment so I can move to be w/ him. I have been totally stunned and devastated. The notice of the r/s ending was cold and clinical in a short email and I was told he would not speak to me by phone or skype.

    I did a massive personal inventory to see what I possibly could have done which would have caused such a huge shift in his feelings (from telling me I was the most important person in his life and the woman of his dreams to telling me he has no feelings of any kind for me). I emailed him and apologized for every possible less-than-kind thing I recall having done or said in the recent past and asking him to forgive me. He ignored my apology and said (by email) that it wasn’t about forgiveness, that he felt better now, that he had been suffering in the r/s (never told me this previously), and that he was at peace with himself and with me and the proof that it was the right thing to do was that he feels good now. WTF? I was so UTTERLY confused and shell-shocked by this and the pain and shock triggered full-blown PSTD – I’ve been barely functioning for 5 weeks now.

    In a second email he said his love extinguished because it was not “nourished.” (Two weeks previously he said I was “the most beautiful dream of his life.”) He then stopped all communication with me but responded to an angry email my D sent him and told her that I told him he was fat and ugly (as though that is the reason he ended it). He never told me this was upsetting him! I never said he was ugly OMG I’d never say that. I did tell him I was concerned about his weight gain since he had a weird gain of weight around his stomach and I had been trying to help him find the cause for health reasons.

    In therapy sessions to heal from this shock, I heard about narcissism and borderline. Now I’ve read a ton on the subject, I believe my ex-partner has BPD/NPD or some combo of these. There’s no other sane explanation.

    I have a question for you… I have not heard from him now for almost a month. Part of me wants to somehow REASSURE him that it was NEVER EVER my intention to hurt him in any way, that i am so sorry for anything I did/said that hurt him, and that I deeply care about him, want to make whatever upset him right… Is there any point in doing this or will it just make him angry? I had also written a very long letter of gratitude to him for all that I received in our relationship and all I treasure(d) about him, that I will always love him and be here for him and that I would be devastated to lose him entirely from my life – as he is the most important person on the planet to me. In reading another BPD site, some pwBPD seemed to say that they’d like to hear something like this, but others not. I’m not sure what to do. I’m so sad to see him behaving like I’m his enemy and don’t understand how this happened.

    • Hi, thanks for your message. Sorry to hear about the way your relationship ended. It is a difficult question to answer because as you have already found on other sites the response could go either way, he may be glad to receive your letter and apology/reassurance, but he may also take it badly – either not giving a crap what you say or responding angrily/abusively and there is no way to know for sure which it would be. The best advice I can give is do what feels right for you, if you want him to know deeply then tell him, send the letter, just be prepared for the possibility of no response or a bad one even though you don’t deserve either, he is unwell so his reactions are a reflection of his illness not of you. At least in sending the letter it may help you gain some closure on the situation to help you begin your own journey to recovery… Best Wishes whatever you decide, I hope you get the response you would like. Sharon x

  57. Thanks Peter. I definitely have a much broader understanding of bpd thanks to you,Sharon and the 1000s of posts ive read.

    sharon, I looked into the dilemmas of the “drama trtriangle all I can say is WOW! it opened my eyes to the roles ive come to play,Aswell as my ex gf’s roles too. I think I now know why I have this instinctual urge to help my ex and more importantly, why im constantly thinking about her and what shes doing etc. I seem to be a “rescuer” and find myself taking up that role. In the case of my ex bpd gf and im sure millions of others, she was a “victim” our whole relationship. As you know these two roles work hand in hand. We both acquire certain selfish advantages from each other BUT for the wrong reasons. Looking back… my ex was always depressed,stressed, feeling empty, sad, crying etc… and instead of me giving her a helping hand to support her, id actually dive in head first to ease her pains for her. I understand now that basically I took all her hurt and problems and stacked it upon my shoulders EVERYTIME she was feeling that way. Eventually I could not handle all the emotional baggage that I had accumulated from trying to be there for her that It started breaking me down. This is when the BP kicks in and things take a turn for the worse. instead of appreciating and helping me offload HER emotional baggage that I had accumulated, she then decided to start pushing me away with her thoughts of abandonment. From there I found that when she could see that I was taking strain and could not help as much as I was before, is when the weekly random break ups would start and she would tend to start arguments for no reason… of course blaming me in the process. A couple more break ups followed due to her picking more fights and WHAM!!!.. before you know it she is having a crying episode like a 5yr old and guess what… I had just been split black.

    Its amazing how clearly I see this now, thanks to this blog and all the insight and support people share. The best thing a non bpd can do is seek knowledge and support, there is no other way to move forward.

    A typical bpd sufferer will in most cases play the role of a “victim” looking for their “rescuer” … only in the end to turn into a “persecutor” and blame the non bpd therefor splitting them black before we get kicked out of their lives. I can say that we too are slightly to blame because if you are like me… I saw the red flags and I decided to ignore them. Only to try fulfill a void in me that I really didnt know I had up until now.

    Il probably always have a small chip on my shoulder because I did want to love and care for this girl with all I had and if she really loved me like she said then she would have looked for therapy. Unfortunately she would rather find another person and go through this whole cycle again because its easier and saves her from looking and delving within herself to conquer the root of her problem.

    So In the end, I do feel sad for her because it must be horribly painful to live a life with such extreme emitions brought on by an unloving, unhealthy father . Its quite shocking that a father could ruin such a beautiful loving girls life like my ex.

    My advice would be… to please “google” the drama triangle. See which role you play and which role your ex bpd played. You will quickly see that us nons were also partly to blame and that we too have issues to sort out. Why do you think we are so susceptible to bpd sufferers? . You will find your answer (like I did) by researching and delving into yourself.

    From where I was 7 weeks ago after being shunted out my exes life and having no idea why…. to where I am now is worlds apart, thanks to this blog and many others like it. There are still going to be tough times and sad days when I think , why couldnt she just get help? . What I know now is probably the most important thing ive learned. You cant help someone that cant help themselves.

    • Indeed Ty, and it’s not just with BPD’s that the drama triangle is relevant, it is every connection we have with others – at work, family, friends etc. The best place to be for a healthy relationship with anyone on any level is outside the triangle – basically refuse to play the game. Other people will try to push or pull us into their drama triangle, we have to be able to see this happening (whether we have BPD or not) and not let ourselves be drawn in. It can be hard as I am by nature a rescuer in any situation, but often end up in the position of victim. Now I am more aware of the triangle I do a lot better at remaining outside it and it helps me massively! As you know the ‘victim’ is in the position with the most power (despite the name suggesting otherwise) but the whole process is so easy to see when you understand it; like for me how I get pushed from rescuer to victim is when people take advantage of my loving, caring nature when I try to help them then they become my persecutor but may also ‘pretend’ to be my rescuer acting like what they are doing is in my own best interests. It really is a valuable tool in understanding human nature, probably one of the most helpful things I have learnt since my diagnosis, and if I happen to start forgetting my therapist reminds me when I am describing situations with people and then I am able to resolve any issues much more quickly and easily by stepping out of the triangle :)

    • First word that came from me was; “AWESOME”!!! I really appreciate your responses. Unfortunately for people who are in the health field for example, like myself, “rescuing” the “victim” is an extremely natural automatic reaction. I recognized the triangle in the relationships’ infancy yet decided to ignore its red flags and decided not to “bail”. However the roller-coaster ride continued, but at an alarming rate and amplitude. I felt whipsawed into her reactions. I did love this person and still do. Outside of the dis-order, we had many things in common. I started to hesitate in my reacting to her needs. Then the relationship started to falter. Because I knew she was “unstable” and without any medication I was already entrenched into the depths of the relationship. It was hard to back out of the love I had felt for her. Every thing became more intense and so did the drama enfolding its end. Luckily, my ex decided to go back to the nurse practitioner who I set her up with initially and thankfully, according to some friends of mine, she is now seeking continual mental health assistance. Eventually the remorse will set in as it most often does. Every one has windows of clarity. The cycle will repeat itself, but with medication, the journey will be a much more stable one and the mentation of those experiencing BPD, much more clear. It is my hope that all those that suffer from BPD (as well as the Nons), get much needed help from the medical profession. There are some that never return because they don’t seek help. They don’t think they have any problems.

  58. Reblogged this on Toward the within… and commented:
    Too often I come across websites or blogs on which people who have BPD are made out to be less than human. In some cases, people with BPD are likened to vampires (a step up), but usually it is the idea that BPD sufferers are emotional black holes, who are only trying to manipulate, destroy and then discard every person. The reality is far from the fiction that is often posted on the web.

    The reality is that people with BPD do love and perhaps love too deeply. If someone with BPD has ended a relationship with you, it is likely not a reflection on you or that somehow you have gained “useless” status in his or her mind. It likely means that they are experiencing tremendous guilt for having caused so much pain to someone they love. The leaving is message of “I don’t want to hurt you anymore like I’ve been hurting myself”, or “I am afraid that if this goes on, you will come to hate me, so it’s better if I leave”. Sure, there are people with BPD who take advantage of others, but so do people without BPD. I am a bit tired of reading articles that villainize a particular group of mental disorders, especially people with BPD. In coming posts, I would like to address some of the “articles” and blog posts that I have been reading. In the meanwhile, this post eloquently expresses both sides of the argument.

    • Thanks for reblogging this, indeed we are not emotional black holes, more as Marsha Linehan herself describes ‘emotional third-degree burn victims’ our emotions are so raw, like a wound that never heals, the slightest touch is sheer agony! And I fully agree that ending a relationship is often about ending the toxicity and pain for both parties not an attack on the non-bp from the bp.

  59. Have an ex-girlfriend, but we are still good friends. I think she might need help. I had to learn about mental health issues due to family member difficulties and because of this I became very knowledgeable about Depression and Bipolar Disorder and know there is a good chance she is not right. She is on Prozac and often forgets or is trying to ween herself off. She is always on the go and is always looking for something new to do. Art classes, Spartan races, cooking classes, write a book and more and more. She had a custody battle for her kids she settled on last summer and got them 5 days a week. But then it’s like she got bored and now does Roller Derby half of the nights she has her kids so why even do the custody battle? She was and still is in love with me and my son, but I had to let her go. She was neglecting us for other things constantly and became self-centered and selfish and a nonexistent communicator. I could not keep up with all of the ideas of things she was going to do (and I’m a REAL go getter too so that says something) and huge emotional decisions she takes on. Since I’ve know her for 2 years she has moved 3 times and switched job twice and is looking at switching jobs again. I asked her today why she does this and she says she has always been like this. She claims she simply just gets bored. Her parents did divorce when she was 15 and she ended up going to 4 different high school. She says in college she never had a boyfriend for more than a month. Does she need help? I’m not trying to over analyzer her either. But a buzzer did go off in my head she she claimed I deserved better than her and this was only 4 hours after she talked about wanting to get married. I’m not here to look for emotional support due to a breakup. From going through my family situation, I know how to protect myself and am in a better place broken up from her and I’m staying where I’m at. But I am friends with her. What makes this challenging is she has had some great experiences in life such as traveling around the world and she was on MTV Road Rules (reality show) so those are some rather challenging things to live up to. But she is all over the place and makes in my opinion rather huge emotional decisions that come out of nowhere. She is also an doctor and has worked in the county mental health hospital and is one step below being a psychiatrist herself. So getting her to admit to having anymore problems than depression can be tricky. So do you all think? For what it’s worth, we have never argued once.

    • It does sound like she has a very strong unstable sense of self and identity, which would explain why she bores easily and is always looking for something new and exciting to challenge and interest her. Given you do not describe any other serious self-harming behaviours there could be a number of reasons for being like this, BPD seems unlikely. If anything I would be thinking more like high functioning Aspergers Syndrome. I can understand your concern when it comes to the effects on relationships and her family life, but I would be cautious to say she needs help, it almost feels like she is just searching for that one thing that will capture her interest enough for her to finally stop looking and stay put. I could be wrong, but that is just how it appears to me. I think maybe the prozac is not helpful and the reason she wants to stop taking it is that realistically she knows herself (especially being a doctor) that it is not actually helping. Maybe you could try talking to her not as though it is a mental health problem but more along the boredom side of things, talking about that may trigger alarm bells for her to notice something herself that she had not even realised?

  60. Oh yes – dreaming about him, and then waking up. It’s been nearly five weeks now. I have done so much research into this, and it’s frustrating because I can see now how we might have worked, if we’d both had insight and tried. But maybe there was too much wrong. He ended the relationship three times in six weeks, and I kept coaxing him back, but the third time was so painful for me, I knew I could never face another one. But that was five weeks ago, and the memory starts to blur…

    Last time I contacted him was a week ago. I phoned him because I felt suicidal over the break-up, and it didn’t seem to matter, then, if I spoke to him. He just complained about the problems he’s having with his family (though he’s in his 40s he still lives with them) and seemed to have next to no consideration for the fact that I was in terrible pain. It was so odd – like I was a telephone counsellor. Then I sent him angry texts, one of which was framed so as to hurt him so much there’d be no going back – in it, I compared him to an ex he had a few years ago, who he hates. And I feel bad about that now. But he compared me to her, early in the relationship – he said he’d told his brother about me, and his brother had said, “Oh no, not another one,” (ie, like that other ex).

    I know I am co-dependent. I used to creep about, not say this, not say that, not complain if he didn’t pay towards the bills when he lived with me for a while – all this “don’t rock the boat” stuff, whilst inside I grew more and more resentful. Let him pour out his troubles, though he was dismissive of mine.

    Also we had sex far too early on. Basically I gave him this message: “You are far more valuable than me, your time is far more valuable than mine, you life is more important than mine, so you may do as you please, speak to me as rudely as you wish, and I will not object.” He never had to do any work in the relationship. No wonder, now, he dumps his worries on me and brushes mine aside.

    He is diagnosed, but very sketchily. His family are horribly enmeshed (as indeed were mine). I think if he didn’t have them to go back to, he might have tried harder. But really he never left home. He wasn’t an adult. They are elderly now. My guess is that once they pass on, he’ll find someone and then he will be forced to try. But who knows. He lives a few miles away, he seems to have given up going to the one place we have in common, and so really, unless I contact him, I might not see him for a very long time.

    As I say, I am co-dependent. I see it as him being selfish and me being self-less. That’s not a good thing to be. As if I could pour his demands into my emptiness and no longer be in pain. As if looking after him would make me feel worthy and happy and fulfilled. No wonder I was a doormat. No wonder I was suicidal after it. The hardest thing (after the pain and the awful loneliness) is having to admit that I am not better than him because he has BPD: that I am a kind of mirror-image of him, albeit with, I believe, more insight into myself.

    I distracted myself by fancying someone else today, an old crush. It did get rid of the pain for a while, like being drunk. Now it’s coming back, of course. I have spent so much of my life Trying To Be Good (as I did with him, of course). So I’m trying to cut out all the shoulds and oughts from my thinking. Trying to put some self back into myself. I might contact him again, because my emotions are all over the place at present, and Christmas alone will be horrible. But if I do, so what? Wouldn’t be the end of the world. I am so sick of being scared of myself. It’d be like the last time, though – I do know that. At some level I know it is over. It’s going to take a while for that knowledge to run right through me.

    I think people with BDP and their partners both need insight. I think people with BDP need to understand that their partners will have their own pre-existing emotional problems. And we, the nons, need to know that too. Likely all of us are people who do just get hurt when we expose our emotions in any deep way. I hid from that for a long time. I want to live now, despite the pain.

    But God I wish he’d come back. And God, I hope I never see him again.

    • It sounds like you are having a really awful time, I do hope things will get better for you. I fully understand what you are saying about co-dependency, I think it is a common aspect of many misfunctioning relationships (regardless of BPD) and mirroring behaviours also sounds familiar! Insight is definitely vital to being able to function well together in a relationship, again regardless of BPD but also clearly all the more important if a person has a condition (be it BPD or another). Emotions and emotional conditions add so much additional complexity to the challenges of maintaining and healthy, stable relationship, they must be given the respect and value they deserve in understanding how the other person thinks, feels and responds to situations to enable you both, as a couple, to build a firm foundation together – something too many relationships lack and take for granted!
      Best Wishes to you for a happy New Year :)

  61. About a year ago in September I met her through facebook and shortly after met her in person. At first we would occasionally hang out (once or twice a month). We were sexually active. There was a period of time of about a month or two that I didn’t see her at all, but we would occasionally text. Up until June, we pretty much saw each other as friends.

    Then around June things started to change in our relationship, we were seeing more of each other and we were getting closer. By august I was seeing a lot of her, mostly 3 times a week, sometimes sleeping over for a weekend. By the end of August things went bad, I started noticing that she was avoiding seeing me and would give me short responses to texts. Then one night on a date she broke the news to me that she didn’t want to see me anymore and not to text or call her. She also went on to explain that she’s aware that she does that whenever she starts to get “too close” to someone. She said she will do and say things that will make the other person leave her, but this time she didn’t want to hurt me that way so she asked me to leave.

    About two weeks pass, and she calls me out of nowhere to talk and “catch up” then nothing for a few weeks. Then, after a few weeks (in Oct) of not talking at all, I decided to give her a call and asked her out to dinner. After that we started talking again, even started getting closer than before. She told me one day at random, “I don’t ever want to not have you in my life”. She wanted us to move in together (which I refused because I wanted to make sure she wouldn’t leave me again). In early November she started getting busy with work (she works two jobs, one of them is manager of a retail store) and she tells me that she wants to spend some time with me on Thanksgiving. Then it happened again, a week before Thanksgiving we talk on the phone and tells me she doesn’t want to see me anymore, and not to text or call her ever again. She told me we can never be friends either. She says that talking with me makes her anxious.

    I’ve asked her what happened but her answer makes no sense to me. Just a day before the break up we were planing to spend Thanksgiving day together, then the next day she’s telling me that she’s not “feeling” the relationship. Over the days after that I text her randomly, but get short replies. I’ve let her know how much I love her, but her response was that knowing how I feel makes her feel like an a-hole.

    I’m not sure if these are signs of BPD, I’m totally confused. I’ve gone over all that was said and done for the past months to see if maybe I misinterpreted any of her signals, but I keep coming to the same conclusion that I didn’t misinterpret anything.

    She seems to be very aware of her behavior, and when we first got back together she said she was happy that I’m very patient and understanding. I’ve never experienced her bad side (besides the leaving), it seems she has built cooping mechanisms. She also mentioned once that she did go to therapy for a bit and would try going again, but I never knew about BPD at that time.

    The last words I told her when she told me to forget about her and move on were that I’ll move on, but I will never forget about her and if she ever changes her mind not to be afraid to come back to me. I’m really in no hurry to jump in any other relationship, especially since my heart pretty much is in her possession at the moment.

    • Sorry to hear of your difficulties.
      It does does sound like your ex is troubled but it’s not possible to consider BPD based on an unwillingness to commit to a relationship alone, there are 9 criteria of which 5 must be met for a diagnosis, and two of the key ones that without which a diagnosis would not be considered are self-harm and suicidal behaviour neither of which come across from your message. Her behaviour in fearing abandonment does sound like one of the traits but it can also be explained by many other things. Sorry if that isn’t what you wanted to hear, I just think it is best to be honest and clear with you :(
      I hope you manage to overcome your loss with time.

      • Thank you for your answer, but I did leave out her self harm, when I met her she was very promiscuous. She once met a guy online and on the first meet he took her to a sex party where she had sex with multiple strangers that same night. I don’t know about the suicidal behaviour, unless you count her unwillingness to wear a seat belt and driving high. I don’t know of any suicide attempts, so I don’t know for sure. She does show a lot of the other signs, impulsiveness (always in financial problems because of spending), she snaps and gets furious at the smallest things and then all of a sudden is as sweet as a kitten, she admitted to me once that she was a stalker and had stalked boyfriends before. She told me not too long ago that her mind is constantly racing. At first I thought it was an Attachment disorder because of her bad childhood, her biological father left while she was very young and her mother was neglectful. I came to the conclusion of BPD because of all the other things I know of her, what she’s told me and what I’ve observed myself.

        I had no expectations on what to hear, I’m just looking for some insight into what just happened. I’ve never experienced someone like that in my life before, but I’ve moved on, though my feelings for her haven’t and that’s ok because loving someone doesn’t mean owning them or having them present.

      • No problem, apologies if I seemed dismissive it’s just that as you can understand not knowing full details it is difficult to draw conclusions, and of course neither of us are medical professionals! It could be BPD but as I say not being professionals we are not in a position to diagnose, but if looking at it as BPD helps you deal with it I am also not in a place to tell you that you shouldn’t do that! We all have to deal with things in the way that best helps us to come to terms with them and get over them especially when loss is involved – it becomes like a grieving process. One of the problems that does tend to occur in relationships (whether it is BPD or not) is that we become co-dependant and as a result we can co-create problems, exacerbate each others flaws and much more… If it was/is BPD, well even if it is not, then she clearly needs to seek help to find out why she behaves this way and help overcoming it so that she can have a stable relationship – if that is what she wants, the difficulty there is that she has to want to change and defeat her personal demons, no-one can do it for her, and no-one can make her do it. Until she is ready for that battle with herself she cannot and will not change and will continue in this cycle over and over until she decides she cannot and does not want that any more. It is a sad, lonely existence to feel so much love be but unable to hold on to it :(

      • No apologies necessary, I know I was light on the other details.

        During our first break up she admitted she had a problem and needed to fix it. I suggested therapy and she said she was willing to try. It’s up to her to put it into action though. I have a list of local free centers that could provide some treatment, but she want’s not contact with me and I’m respecting her wishes so I have no way of giving her the list.

      • I hope she will discover the list for herself when she is ready, don’t feel you have in any way failed her by not giving it to her, if you could access that information so can she if she wants to look. Take care of yourself as you work on your own recovery :)

      • Hi TheOtherSide.

        We all know how you feel. I myself have an undiagnosed ex bpd gf and its tough going. Its an extremely toxic relationship and you get reeled in and cast away weekly. Its been just over 3 months now since I got kicked out of her life and I am feeling stronger everyday. A bp’s acts are mostly unintentional but unfortunately are still extremely hurtful and leaves you feeling like you have been hit by a bus.

        Its cliché but you need time to work on yourself and to figure out why you had fallen for a lady that is promiscuous, that is mean, thats non empathetic. The longer you keep no contact and actually start understanding about bpd the better you will see that its best to move on with your life. Its not nice to say but being with most bpd’s will cause you emotional abuse. You definitely do not want to be in an abusive relationship.

        Yes il always have a small part of my heart for my ex gf but the reality is that the first year together was a facade. She was wearing a mask. She projected things that I so desperately wanted… love, trust,care …even sexual intimacy. After a year I started seeing cracks in her mask and I started asking questions. All I started getting was fights, break ups, anger rages etc ALL FROM this little sweet angel that I thought I knew for the first year.

        The bottom line is, call a spade a spade mate. You dont want to have that drama in your life and you had become addicted to that drama. So did I. Step back, take time to heal yourself and move forward. Its taken me 3 months and im definitely feeling better. Im healing myself, I know what warning signs to look for in my future relationships and fortunately il be staying far away from any bpd. I must state, any bpds who do acknowledge their disorder and are getting help , thats awesome and its encouraging to see but unless thats happening, dont wait around.

      • Thanks Ty, indeed a lot of BPD’s who are not getting help appear cold and hurtful and the relationship is likely to be abusive, even these ones not seeking help may not intend to be this way but if they are not willing to get help and get better then I agree staying well away from relationships with these types is the best thing anyone can do as everyone will end up hurt in some way otherwise. I have stayed away from relationships until I knew I was in a better place myself to be able to commit, and it did me good to take that time to get myself better rather than enter into another bad relationship (for me I would be the one of the receiving end of abuse in such situations). Glad to hear you are getting better now :)

      • There are many reasons why I fell for her, promiscuity never bothered me, I’m not a jealous person. Not in the least. I have no doubt in me that she feels the same about me (which is why her leaving came as such a surprise) and I believe that she pulled away because she didn’t want to put me through what comes with getting close with her.

      • THought I’d give you an update. Last night she texts me out of the blue and we enter a conversation about her confusion and what’s going on in her head. Basically she described her fear of getting into a relationship and being unhappy the rest of her life. We didn’t get any deeper in the conversation because she stopped replying.

        About an hour ago I get and email from her telling me that she made an appointment to see a therapist on tuesday next week. She thanked me for pushing her. I didn’t directly push her, all I asked were key questions to see what exactly her fears of being with me were. I guess that in itself urged her to seek help. She said she will let me know next week how her first visit went.

        I couldn’t possibly be more happier for her right now for taking that first step towards her healing process.

  62. Hi I have recently found sites of bpd and I am convinced my ex gf falls on the spectrum if only moderately. I want to thank you for your blog as it has related the most to my situation and understanding. My ex and I had feel in love fast and she had recently gone through a divorce with her husband for his infidelity, which later she told me took 6 months to confront him about. I was weary to get involved, but we continued a relationship although she told me should would be moving out of state in a few months. I decided life was short and to have a good time until then. In the time she invited me to a friends wedding and to her home town to stay with her parents for a festival. Again I was weary and did not want to get too attached but agreed. We became very close and intimate fast. Shared all with each other and she asked if I would be willing to move to be with her.

    I was finishing college after a long time away and told her I would think about it. We had a year long distance relationship and fell completely for each other. As I have read about bpds I came across the waif characteristics and their victim mentality and needs. She falls into that category and would say things like I am perfect, I have opened her walls like no one etc.. I loved this because of my own abandonment issues and my fixer mentality. Although I would remind her I am not perfect, she compromised and said I am perfect for her, which I gladly accepted.

    The long distance relationship was hard on us, but we talked about marriage and children and spoke everyday. We both would travel to be with each other and although long distance our time together was the best times in my life. She was taking test to go to law school and planning a school reunion out of state and her stress was high. She began to take on what I thought was more than she can chew and it concerned me because she has health problems( migraines, immune disorder, etc.)

    When at her reunion she seemed a shell of herself to me, but of course put on a great show for her friends at the reunion. I spent much time alone, but wrote it up to her reconnecting it was fine. When her grandmother asked if my ex was sure about school because when would she have time for a family. I agreed I had this concern especially after seeing her, what I would later come to understand addiction to stress and work, and she got upset at me for not supporting her. This confused me I just wanted to talk about a concern. The weekend was ok, but not the same as every other encounter.

    When we both returned to our respective homes and a month before I was to move, I could not shake the red flags she had shown me and in our conversations thereafter I wanted to talk about her stress and when she would have time for our relationship when I moved. I stated a relationship is like a plant and needs to be watered regularly. She said she was to stressed and did not have the energy to discuss it, which confused me more because of our previously completely open and communicative relationship (A main reason I fell in love with her.) I realize now I pushed her because my wound from my broken family was opened and my need and codependency for my own family to do it right was great. I opened her wound of not being supported when she needed it most, which stems from her parents neglecting her and not getting her out of a emotional abuse and maybe more situation with her brother as a child. She resented and is bitter toward her mother, although they do have a loving relationship now. Thus the root of her bpd! I opened her wound and she lost trust in me, which lead I think to a splitting mentality in which I “did not support her,” hated her” would leave her.” She would say things like “ I thought things work out in life but not anymore. And many more confusing statements. These words broke my heart and I could not understand. I was leaving everything to be with her and I did not support her? I needed some understanding of my stress and situation of finishing school, leaving friends and family and moving across the country, which she seemed incapable of giving.

    I feel like I am an insightful man and came to understand after our split she did not really mean these things as you stated in your blog. It came to a point where I was unsure if I should move and I would text her I felt she did not believe in us anymore. I would get no response. Finally she told me I make her emotional and she needs to depend on herself as she always had. (Again stemming from her childhood.) She puts up a strong front, but I know her as someone with deep emotional pains. Regardless I moved for I felt we had to try. I was down there for a year before she finally, ten days before we were to move into our new apartment, said she felt we should not live together. I said I saw it coming. We had drifted apart because I felt I was walking on egg shells and we never got a chance to discuss the issues that came up because I was to afraid to upset her. She said the same. Again mirroring? I am also defensive and am sensitive. I realize my mistakes I made with her, many of your examples what not to do to communicate properly with a bpd because of my confusion of her attitudes and behaviors. I began to distance myself for my own protection. I still loved her greatly, but did not know what to do and how to speak to her about anything of substance, and it breaks my heart. Nothing bad was ever said to each other, but we could no longer talk openly and she did not even tell me she decided not to continue law school after two semesters because she did not want to make me feel it is my fault.

    I tried to talk to her about working it out and I still loved her, but I realize I blamed her for shutting down and not realizing how much I did. She said I did not look at her the same way and felt I did not care about her feelings. Ironically her happiness was what made me the happiest. After she repeatedly said I am sorry I took it as a sign there would be no conversation and in my own overreacting I packed all my belongings in my car and left right then. It was amiable enough, but I obviously put on a show hoping she would stop me. I was in so much pain I could not stay because I loved her so much and did not want to wallow in it as I figured out my next move. She texted me hoping I got home safely, I thanked her. Three weeks later I texted her I was sending her a letter, she responding the next day thanking her for letting her know and hope I was doing ok. In between this time I had spoken to her sister for four hours asking how well she knew her sister. She told me it was only surface. I let her know of my concerns mostly about her health and avoidance issues, not knowing of bpd at the time. Her sister is in the behavioral health field so she has an idea, but she placates her sister as does her whole family. I realize now to keep her from getting triggered. She told me about her mother thinking about doing an intervention knowing something is wrong, having an idea it stems from her own neglect for my ex as a child, but she doesn’t know what to do because my ex is so intelligent and a master of covering her pain and how emotionally bad off she really is. The sister one day has doubts about her emotional health, but then gets convinced that everything is fine. That is why I told her about my ex’s nightmares and speaking in her sleep about being a bad person etc…When I would ask if there is anything I could do about her chronic headaches or to sooth her and getting responses like put me out of my misery. (Which broke my heart and left me feeling helpless.) She would say things like my do you love me and list a million reasons. Her sister and I agreed that she should tell her we talked to be honest. The next day I noticed on face book our relationship status was taken down and all of her picture with me. She had previously kept them up for two weeks after the break which gave me hope. I realize she felt this was a breach of trust although her sister said she seemed to act ok to her telling her. In my opinion just covering her true pain. I felt I had to tell her sister the truth and if my ex wanted to hate me its ok because it is all out of my concern. Her sister did not address issues directly, but said I was sad and concerned about her.

    In my letter to her I explained all the reasons I loved her where I couldn’t in one instant. I apologized for my faults, explained my pains, asked for forgiveness for my lack of listening, attentiveness, invalidation etc.. I wrote about how I feel like she is running from her pain and not addressing it, at the same time apologizing for pushing her to. (As I have had my own bouts of depression, and BPD traits also, but I try to face my emotional, and mental scars and problems head on, it is not my place to force that way on her.) I told her I will always be there for her and said she did not need to respond in a major way, but to at least let me know she got my letter to help ease my heart. She did not respond even after a month. I texted her asking if she got my letter, no response. On Christmas I texted her she is always on my mind, wished her a merry Christmas, but said I did not understand how she could not respond to me even out of common courtesy and respect. I said I had to unfriend her on face book and asked to get off her family phone plan, which I continued to be on two months after the relationship, because it is too painful for how she is just flat out ignoring me, and I must cut all ties. A few days later I texted her saying I wanted to stay on the plan if she wished and to help her out, but regardless did want to lose all contact with her completely and if and when she if ready to keep in contact if she would like. No response. Just yesterday thinking of myself and my own healing I called our provider asking to call her to release me from the plan, which only she can do. I am still on it as of now. I am so confused and heartbroken, I question my own sanity, mental and emotional health, and how much was me versus her. I love her so much and understand it is her choice to face these problems her own. I want to her know I will be there for her, even though it pains me so much to hold on. I want her to know I don’t hate her, forgive her, etc… I don’t know what to do. I just want to talk to her, but I must think about my own mental health, and because she is being avoidant I have no choice but to try to get her out of my mind. Please tell me you input, I know this in long but I feel your insight is the only one that may give me understanding of: Is this bpd? In her maybe me? Should I give up trying to speak to her? Can I do or say anything at this point that will not cause her further pain? I think I will do nothing until sending her a birthday card in march wishing her a happy 30th. But I don’t know if this is a good idea or not? Thank you so much for your insights. :)

    • Hi John,
      Thanks for sharing. I can’t say if this is BPD or not, I’m not a professional and so many things can have similar symptoms, even non-BP’s can exhibit some traits, the only way to know for sure is a diagnosis off a mental health professional. I think it may be best for you to give up trying to speak to her for your own peace, closure and being able to move on a recover yourself, it is much like a grieving process that you will be experiencing from your loss. Leaving it until March then sending her a birthday card sounds like a good idea, that way you have given her time and space but without any pressure you can just let her know gently (with no expectation or request for response) that you are thinking of her – she may respond well, she may not, there is no way to tell but if you feel you want to do that then do, but most of all your focus now should be on yourself and your own healing. hope this helps? Best wishes to you :)

    • Hi john

      Pls excuse my grammar because it is pretty late here in south africa. Ie 5am

      U seem to be extremely co dependent and unfortunately that is NEVER good. As you may have seen, ive been through a lot… with a bpd ex gf. With all do respect here. Do not blame yourself. You did what you could and you seem to be blaming yourself when you need to understand that you were fighting a losing battle. Its not your duty to reassure her that u will not abandon her, bcoz u hav probably told her numerous times that u wld never leave her etc. The best description ive heard is… its like a well with a fracture… it doesn’t matter how much love and care u throw in ….. u will always fall short. Bpd’s here will tell u the truth. The answers ur gf wld not tell u. Dont go looking for answers that u will not find. Most of us unfortunately learn the hard way but with insight frm showard76 , we learn that u shld not blame yourself and that u shld not seek for answers coz chances r that u will not find them.

      I apologise for my lack of punctuality etc its late and im extremely tired.

      Cheers mate .

    • Hi john

      Pls excuse my grammar because it is pretty late here in south africa. Ie 5am

      U seem to be extremely co dependent and unfortunately that is NEVER good. As you may have seen, ive been through a lot… with a bpd ex gf. With all do respect here. Do not blame yourself. You did what you could and you seem to be blaming yourself when you need to understand that you were fighting a losing battle. Its not your duty to reassure her that u will not abandon her, bcoz u hav probably told her numerous times that u wld never leave her etc. The best description ive heard is… its like a well with a fracture… it doesn’t matter how much love and care u throw in ….. u will always fall short. Bpd’s here will tell u the truth. The answers ur gf wld not tell u. Dont go looking for answers that u will not find. Most of us unfortunately learn the hard way but with insight frm showard76 , we learn that u shld not blame yourself and that u shld not seek for answers coz chances r that u will not find them.

      I apologise for my lack of punctuality etc its late and im extremely tired.

      Cheers mate .

      • U need to let go and move on. Ive found that my recent ex bpd gf has found yet another bf and he is filling her void for the time being. I feel bad for the new bloke but he must learn the hard way I guess. Ive been split black and shes said that im the worst person on earth ie) ive been demonised. U need to knw my friend that its absolutely NOT u
        Your fault and u need to move on. You definitely seem to have issues u need to deal with and you can not be in a healthy relationship with your mindset and past experience. I agree. .. seek psychological assistance to find out where u stand. Again. . Pls excuse my typing ***

        Cheers..

    • Hi John,
      I had read your post on this blog today and had wished to comment about it as such. I am a state licensed nurse and have been one for two decades, especially in the mental health field. First of all, I wish to tell you that you are not alone in your requests to “figure out” just what is happening to you. Second of all, I have posted here before and wish to thank Sharon for “opening up” her life to the world re. her perspective of this “dis-ease”. Confronting one’s mental issues is the first step in the recovery process. AND there is hope. My ex-gf who was undiagnosed at the time and unmedicated for this condition, also “took me for a huge emotional ride”. A ride that is typically referred to as a “roller-coaster” filled with love vs hate vs confusing emotions towards the “victim”. YOU and me. While ultimate diagnoses officially depends on a psychiatrist, in my endeavor to assist and help those tormented with such illness, I have come to realize and understand what and how “these people” think and behave. Like alcoholism, it is a very cunning and baffling dis-ease of the mind first and then the body. You know, “mind over matter”. It is definitely a mental illness which has been listed in the DSM IV. What you are experiencing is the end stage result of an ultimate breakup from your girlfriend. It is easy for me to state that the best thing for you to do is to brush off your pants and move on, it is actually extremely hard to do. I empathize with you deeply. Why? Because we are all living in this short spec of time together. Apparently because we tend to be co-dependents, we have indeed emptied out our hearts towards these people. It is an aweful feeling when it is not returned. It ultimately becomes a pattern. The best things you can do for yourself is to learn how to love your one self. It is most important. That was the biggest lesson for me. Treat yourself lovingly as you would another person, but more so. Learn from this disorder that she has or seems to have as she is not “fully” diagnosed as yet. As you may perhaps not know, mental illnes of this sort “cycles” like a “sine wave” with its ups and downs. It starts out very gradually and in time its amplitude widens and so does the ramifications of the disorder. You are in the phase with your gf where she is beginning to experience the “out of control” phase and you are the brunt, the target of that for now. You need to, for your safety, move away from being that “target”. You need to see a movie called Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. You will get a greater idea of what this disorder is like in its extreme. It is not pretty. Infact, if you think you are having a bad day, People stricken with this disorder suffer ten times more than you and I do. They cope with it every day. My gf hides from the public and behind her children, masking the disorder from society so people would not “find out”. They are a master at being the greatest chameleon, a perspective you and I will not see because they want attention so badly and are willing to get it in almost any way simply because they have been somehow abused and tormented when they were a child. Many pre-teens were not just abused, but left and abandoned by none other than their significant others who should have provided them with all the love possible. Many use drugs typically to mask the disorder and calm the teasing mind which seems to run like a wild horse away from reality. Yes, they do “suck us” into their lives because their need to “belong” is so great, however those that have no diagnoses continue to have the trauma related experiences per BPD. It just repeats itself as i had mentioned like a sine wave and/or roller-coaster ride of emotions. Many times they are extremely confused, add in some drugs and alcohol and witchcraft like my ex-girlfriend and they absolutely don’t know what and where they are. Though they are extremely smart and can most of the time out-smart anyone simply because tyhey had to learn to deal with their disorder for many years. More so, as people stricken with this disoreder, age, the disorders’ ramifications become worse. They loose track of their mind-set. This is however, MY OPINION alone and what I had discovered through many years of study, experience and profession. There is an awesome website you can turn too called “tearsandhealing.com”. Like Sharon’s blog, it is a great site to gain more info. about this disorder. I am wishing you the best and again am thanking Sharon for this great blog. Peter

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