Relationships can be difficult at the best of times. Every relationship has its own trials and tribulations, ups and downs. Life is tough, relationships are tough. But if you are in a relationship with a Borderline things can be much tougher than they are in any other relationship.
The decision to end a relationship can be a long drawn out decision about what is right or wrong for whom. Or it can be swift, bought on by some event that causes things to pass a repairable state. Such is life, we’ve all been there, BPD or not.
The biggest difference between these situations and the end of a relationship with someone with BPD is the huge amount of chaos, trauma and confusion that go go with it.
If the non-BP breaks up with the BP the likelihood is the decision will be more straight forward, in terms of how relationships come to and end as described above, but what is going on when the BP ends the relationship – well that is what I am hoping to explain in this post.
This is my personal story of ending a relationship from the perspective of the BPD sufferer…
I hope this goes some way to showing how the way a person with BPD un-attaches from people who get too close to them, as this is something I am currently going through myself. I plan to follow it up with a more in-depth look at attachment and detachment in BPD.
I think the best way to help other’s be more aware is by sharing your story and this is what I am doing here. The more those of us with experience of BPD, either as sufferers or people close to sufferers, share our stories the greater understanding will become of this terrible condition that causes so much damage in people’s lives.
People with BPD want, need and crave closeness, love and attachment just as much as anyone else does, but unfortunately our self destructive tendencies and ingrained fear of abandonment can cause us to push away the very people who are willing to give us those things out of our own fear of them eventually leaving/abandoning us and/or a desire to not cause them any further harm due to our impulsive, reckless behaviour.
BPD tears me into pieces, I love honestly and deeply, yet at the same time my worries and fears can cause me to hate the very same person that I love so very much. Constantly yoyo-ing between loving and hating a person is exhausting, draining and makes me feel unworthy of love, because I know I just end up hurting people and I don’t want to do that but cannot stop myself.
One day hopefully I will gain control over this and be able to allow someone to get close to me again. For now though I have bought up the barriers – everyone will be kept at arms length from my heart and mind because I just do not want to hurt any more people who love me, ever again.
I am going to be moving out, splitting up with my partner because he deserves better than anything I can ever give him.
Staying with a BPD partner who is unmedicated and not receiving treatment is something I personally would advise against, I know this sounds like the horrible BS crap that usually makes even me cringe when I read it on other websites about BPD, but this is the reality I am living with right now.
Yes, we can be very loving and giving, wonderful, kind people, but we hurt those who get closest to us. I am determined that I will not enter another relationship with anyone or let anyone get too close to me in future, unless one day I am in better control with the help of medication and treatment, but I don’t know if or when that time will come.
In the meantime my ability to manipulate and cheat, and painting my partner as the ‘bad’ one due to ‘splitting’ are just slowly killing him.
Part of me loves him deeply and wants us to be okay, but part of me doesn’t want him, finds him controlling and while those two parts are at war I am doing the ‘wrong’ things and getting more and more ill myself as the burdens of guilt, fear, anger, and hurt build to volcanic proportions.
I don’t want him to end up hating me any more than he should already, so breaking his heart now (and yes I am running away too) is better than the car crash that is inevitable if I stay.
Related articles
- Unstable Moods in Borderline Personality Disorder (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Do Borderlines lack Empathy? (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Impulsivity and Borderline Personality Disorder (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Splitting – Unstable Relationships in Borderline Personality Disorder (showard76.wordpress.com)
- How to communicate with someone with BPD (showard76.wordpress.com)
- ROW80 Check in – Explaining the one I missed, or a BPD crisis in progress and what happens if you smoke marijuana by mistake (showard76.wordpress.com)
- If Life is a Rollercoaster then BPD is a Pinball Machine! (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Paranoia, Delusions and Dissociation in Borderline Personality Disorder (showard76.wordpress.com)
Hon, that’s gut wrenchingly honest and a good go at showing how our desperate need for closeness makes it so difficult to achieve intimacy, it’s just too important and the impact on our inner world is immense. For me it’s one of the most horrible aspects of BPD and I guess it’s something that other sufferers would ‘get’ but it’s tough to explain to non-BPDers – how we can be in a maelstrom and how it’s so hard to be objective, that opposites will appear true in seconds, regardless of the actions of the other person. Really sorry you’re going through this though, wouldn’t wish it on anyone. *Waves from behind my self protective wall*
Thanks hunny, it is a tough time but I know that in the long run this is what is best for both of us right now. Maybe one day things will be different, until then I have to focus on me first and foremost – and that’s not just being selfish, it’s more about protecting others! xx
Ive been in a relationship with BPD for three years she has ran several times however i will not move in with her and i dont exspect her to move to me,she wants me to try to better myself, the more i do the more she sees me proving I am here for her, and i will do what she suggests, and she knows I love her,she also starts the same distance crawling, and before you know it she is gone.
I wish she could one day see, that if the key to starting the engine of recovery and of her own healing was, you have got to trust in the love of someone sometime somehow in this life,i wish it could be me,I try so hard,and I wont give up but I do get tired.Can we simply exist in a moment long enough for her to see, together we have got to learn from the past god forbid we repeat it.
Trust is something those with BPD initially give far too easily and end up getting hurt, then as a result withdraw trust from everyone, even those who have not betrayed them
It is hard for us then to trust anyone again and we do repeat the same patterns time and again :/
Ive read that these relationships can work and given any real spot that she is with me it’s remarkable to see her smile,I’m just wondering,and yes I to do need to hear “yes I know you love me and I cherish it”but is it possable for her to ever trust in the love that I hold for her? the fact that I have never ,not one time not been there for her and that it should happen that only now do I find your site almost makes me kick my own butt! course I simply did not know,showard76. I have just not known so much that I’m ashamed and at the same time still wanting I guess ,…Absolution,absolution of my love for her,it’s not given lightly and I am a very powerful insiteful man that thinks the two most powerful words that exsist are “love” and “Hate” I don’t hate anyone and I could never,I have been told she hated me so many times and then how she loves me so many times that I’m looking for anything that will break the tie I guess,I dont stay for pity or she needs me or any of that rubbish I stay cause I love her and up till my realization of score I thought she loved me.
Will I never through patiants or caring as being there,listening,loving ever be able to see that yes if not now but at some point,know she really did feel the love that I have for her,or is this always going to be that I have to accept the fact that I am only fully going to have to love myself for loving her and be happy with that?
As you can see I’m really fighting what my place is here,I know about losing ones self and how much hurt and havic it can do to someone that simply loves a BPD,please dont tell me that she my never really know or be able to say what I mean or meant to her.
If it is just doom and gloom…..you know what just lie to me if you have to,I’m 44 in love with an Angel I would die for ,reaching out and I’m hoping that someone can tell me she even really cares.please.
Cameron E.
Sorry, but this is not what you are going to want to hear, but it is the truth…It is difficult to say if she will ever fully trust the love you feel for her as it depends how deep her past hurts and fear of trusting go
I think you may have to accept that she may never be able to demonstrate the levels of love and trust you are hoping for, she may get there one day but she may not… If you can’t be happy with that you may need to reconsider how much you can put up with due to your love for her, as they say ‘sometimes love alone is not enough’ Sharon x
Believe me Cameron, I am in your shoes right now in many ways. It is conflicting that my BPD partner continues to push away the one person that would have walked by his side for eternity. I do know that he has been let down by others (as mentioned above) and terribly hurt, yet he has continued to keep some of these people in his life, but pushes me away. Interesting, but I suppose his friends wouldn’t hurt him as much as I could… still seems kind of like a slap in my face, though, as I’ve been so loyal and some of these friends that he still sticks with have been terrible to him.:-/ And, of course, you would think he’d know by now that I couldn’t hurt a fly. You would think, as I’ve always been there for him, just like it seems you have been for your partner. I commend “busy gal”, though, because she is able to really communicate what is going on with her and her partner knows the why’s of what she is doing. If I knew my partner was just trying to protect me from himself, that would seem noble in my opinion, but in my case, I have to put pieces of the puzzle together myself… sometimes assuming such awful things.:(
Maybe she doesn’t want to repeat the same mistakes with you, but doesn’t have the proper tools to shift her reality thinking for that to happen? I’m not certain in your case, but thank you so much for sharing. I, too, wish that my partner with BPD could simply trust in our love as I have never betrayed him… as, I, myself have been betrayed by others and I know how that feels. I had been through a lot when I met him and it was hard for me to open up, trust and love him… but I did… and I have continued to trust in our love in so many ways. No matter what *he* decides, though, it is on him, does not speak for me and I will always have a place in my heart for him if he never comes back, or things are beyond repair.
BTW: “Busy Gal”… are you on your own right now? Did you go back to your partner that you speak of above? I am curious.
I’m sorry… as I don’t see your name on here!:-p Please forgive me.
Good luck, Cameron.
I hope Cameron see’s your post Devara
Yes, I am single now I never went back to him and he was in a new relationship less than a month after I finished with him and is still with that girl now – considering I ‘destroyed’ his life by ending it, he got over it pretty quickly I think!? I am not ready for another relationship yet, I am too busy continuing to build on the recover which happened very quickly after leaving him – which I think speaks volumes about how much the relationship was part of my problem!? I’m Sharon by the way
xx
Dear Sharon,
This is in response to your comment below…. I am really sorry that you had to go through that. It’s good to know that you are doing better now.:)
Thank you, I’m glad too
I meant *above*. lol
Having been with someone with BPD for nearly two years now, I can say that the fact that he got into another relationship a month after you broke up is not surprising. I don’t think it can be measured by how much he cared for you.
The fact is that the psychological damage done to a non-BP is pretty extensive. The devaluation that occurs during the hate phase is intense. Constant accusations and criticisms are levied on the partner by the BP. If the non-BP is a goodhearted person, then they will themselves start to believe the things the BP says. They will try to fix them, and failing that, they will begin to feel worthless. This is compounded by the fact that the BP so idealized and adored the non-BP in the beginning, causing the him to want that feeling back again, as well as adding credibility to the notion that there is something truly wrong with him or that he did something horrible against the BP.
In point of fact, the BP projects their symptoms onto the non-BP, causing him to feel hopeless, worthless, and desperate. Once that cycle is complete, they find themselves in the same position as the BP — craving love and attachment to fill the emptiness that they now feel inside. It is very difficult to drag oneself out of that hole, especially since BPs often create an isolation around their partner via their abandonment fears. It is typical to find affection elsewhere in order to fill the void left by the BP (just like BPs do when they cheat on their partners due to their perceived sleights).
Don’t downplay his emotions based on his getting with someone else. If anything that is an even bigger indicator of just how ‘destroyed’ he was inside.
Thanks for sharing Michael, if it weren’t for the fact that he was almost certainly a narcissist (not just my view, his non-BP ex before me also consider him this way and in fact tried to warn me off him because he was like that, and she did not know about my BPD) then I could agree in part that he was ‘damaged’ by my behaviour, but given his behaviour and narcissism I think we damaged each other, it was definitely toxic. I was the one that became isolated as a result of our relationship, taken away from my friends and family to live somewhere else while he maintained all his other relationships, including cheating on me with his ex… But we cannot change the past, it happened, it’s over and the reality is neither of us was without fault… just time to move on now
Macc
How can you continue with this? My BPD partner ended it – not sure he knows he has BPD, but kept calling until I decided – I can not live this way. I would have been there for him, but he’s also online dating. I’ve lost trust and respect and am afraid of STDs. I’ve keep going over and over it, but cant’ find a rational reason to continue.
I think you are doing the right thing for you and at the end of the day that is very important, you need to be happy and feel trust and respect without those no relationship can survive…
thank you for sharing this. I am bipolar and was involved with someone who has displayed all the indicators that he has BPD. the two are often confused and I know that it is common for them to coexist. I love this man with all my heart, everyday, and I accept him because he accepts me, on good days. On bad days I am …well it doesn;t matter. He is gone but can;t let me go. I can;t let him go either. The splitting is ….ah well it doesn;t even matter, you are so brave to talk about something that so many people hear the words and say RUN AWAY – same with Bipolar. But my point is that this post – I needed it and thank you.
Peace
Thanks Lizzie, I’m glad the post was helpful to you xx
There’s an old saying that I love:
“THE PEOPLE THAT STICK BY YOU AT YOUR WORST
DESERVE TO BE WITH YOU AT YOUR BEST”
Here’s another one that I really like:
“REMEMBER, ANYONE CAN LOVE YOU WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING
IN THE STORMS IS WHERE YOU LEARN WHO TRULY CARES FOR YOU”
May we all remember these things…
And ‘those who cannot handle you at your worst, don’t deserve you at your best’
It takes a hell of a lot of bravery and selflessness to make a decision like that. I wish you the best and I hope you manage to work things out for the both of you.
Thank you Kelly, I hope so too
I am in a place now where things are tough so I’m very avoident of any affection from my husband but then I always know it will come back when I’m a little better. It’s so hard when the allowance of affection from others is always so minimal. My husband finds it hard that I never want to cuddle or kiss and the next minute I can’t leave him alone and it leaves him feeling confused and often unloved. It’s not what is intended but it’s what happens and there are so many times where I just think if I pick and choose when I’m nice to him then I’m just an awful user for the times that I want things. I know the mindset you’re in and leaving may sound easy for someone who doesn’t want abandonment but it is ever so hard because of the bouts of love and hate. You think it’s their fault so you hate them and want to leave and then you realise it may be your fault and then feel sorry and want them back and it can go on forever and then the easiest way is to cut ties forever, however the addiction of wanting the caring of that person is always a struggle. Keep strong, I’d say do what your head tells you but then if you did that you’d be running back and forth, do what your mind tells you when you feel you are most stable and do what you feel may be right for your kids too. Sometimes when you aren’t sure what’s best for us, seeing whats best for others we love can help. Good luck sweetheart xxx
Hi Simone, thank you, sorry to hear you are in a bad place at the moment too. Yes, I’m trying to do what feels right for everyone rather than what my emotions are bouncing around
xx
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Reading this suffering from BPD myself, gives me hope that Im not alone, thanks for sharing your story,
You’re welcome Megan, I’m glad to give hope to others through sharing my story
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I am in a horrible place now with a man i love dearly. i have bpd and i believe he shows signs as well. we are in constant struggle and rarely on the same page. our relationship ends on a regular basis and now, despite the love we have for each other (probably too sick) we are just being mean. i fight hard but then stop suddenly and apologize realizing too that it could be all my fault or at least a skewed perception of reality. suddenly vulnerable and exposed i am left defenseless to his attacks. and this just keeps happening. at some point he changes his tune and tone and begins talking to me again as if it can all be worked out. he says things to indicate that we are both adults and should be mature… yeah, i’d like that – maybe in another life time that’ll be possible! any way, i should have ended it a long time ago for a variety of reasons. i’ve just about lost everything and am completely exhausted. i hope i can get help soon so as not to land on the very bottom of the bottom. i appreciate your honesty and wish you well.
Sorry to hear of your problems Brandye, I hope you manage to get the help you need and sort out your relationship troubles. Best wishes Sharon x
I broke it off with a woman who I feel has bpd. I didnt know anything about this but everything written on these blogs happened to me. I feel sick inside because she would love me one day and turn on me the next. She slapped me, threatened to call the cops on me, disrespected me, and was negative about everyone in her life. She is obsessed with facebook and put all her good traits out there for total strangers but when we would talk she would just tell me how unhappy she is and how she is never happy for anyones happiness. She also just started throwing out every bad thing about her past at me. She never showed any remorse or hurt about it, she just would throw it out at me out of nowhere. I never understood why but I always stayed supportive. I guess I have a question….I finally lost it and told her that I couldnt take her abuse anymore and she said she was confused how I could say that. After everything she did she acts like it never happened and denied saying or doing any of it. Is that normal bpd behavior? Im crushed because she doesnt look at me as somebody who was supportive, she looks at me as a weak person. Truth is I stayed because she said she doesnt trust and I wanted to show her that I didnt judge and I was supportive. She even said that I wanted to fix her. i told her I couldnt fix her, all I could do is be a friend and listen. I tried reaching out to her but she wont contact me…she did this all the time. This time is different, she wont acknowledge me because I stood my ground and asked her to stop abusing me. Is this normal bpd behavior? I miss my friend, my lover, my partner in crime. Thanks
I think what you describe could well be ‘typical’ BPD behaviour for her, like everyone else all BPD’s are different, it is a combination of at least 5 of 9 different traits that make up the condition so while there are similarities in BPD behaviour there are also differences. You are right that you can’t fix her and unless she is willing to get help and help herself she won’t change, only she has the capacity to do that. Refusing to acknowledge contact is something I would consider quite typical of a BPD who feels they have been let down or betrayed. In time she may come around, but she may not, there are people I have broken off contact with whom I would never acknowledge again even now I am ‘better’ but others I would and will make contact with once the hurt I feel has reduced (and I am aware they may be feeling hurt too, and may also need time to get over this before we could be ‘friends’ again). I wouldn’t push it too much too soon, drop the occasional message of support (but don’t expect a reply) but not too often or she will consider you behaving like a stalker who won’t let go… Hope this helps?
Thank u 4 this site. It has really given me a perspective on life with BPD from both sides. My own, once incredible true love is crashing down around me as i struggle in vain to cope with the amazing girl who made it possible. She is probably BPD but after so many other labels given over the years, she is understandably dubious about the accuracy of this one too. I try so hard to be supportive and loving but it comes at a hii price which i can no longer afford emotionally. Ive given my all for almost 3 years but i cannot compromise my life any further unless she makes the decision to take control of her own destiny. I love this girl. She has had an awful youth which haunts her. I just want her to realise that its not her fault, she is very much loved and that more than anything, she deserves to be free.
Sorry to hear about your girlfriend, I hope she manages to get the help she needs to take responsibility for getting herself better so she can lead a happy and fulfilling life. Best Wishes to you in coping with having to walk away, it’s hard but sometimes it is the only thing you can do for both of you to be able to grow xx
My psychologist doesn’t know what is wrong with me. Not yet. She thinks I am majorly depressed but that’s about it. But last night, I had this hallucination where I could hear K saying all those things which she has been saying for a year, which I have heard but never listened to. I looked them up on the net, turns out she has complained of everything that people with BPD’s as partners complain about. Two months ago she broke up with me. I was shattered. But now I know why she couldn’t take it anymore. I love her, I really really do. She is the most pure soul I have ever known, truthful to herself at all times. While I, I keep deceiving her. Giving her suicide threats. Hurting myself so that she would see and feel bad for what she did. I am a horrible person, and I truly believe that the world would be better off without me. But I want to get help. I want to get better, so that some day, I can walk up to K and tell her that I can give her all the love that she needs, without any of the hurt. Because I owe it to her for all the happiness she has given to me and all the pain that she has endured. I will live for that day.
Hi A,
Thanks for sharing, recognising the problem is the first step to getting better, I believe if you want to badly enough you can achieve it. take it step-by-step, one issue at a time and find out as much as you can about it, figure out how it affects you personally and then look for ways to improve on it. It’s along hard process and having some professional support will be a huge help but you can do it. I’m so much better now than I was, there are still areas I have to work on but I keep on trying and fighting
You can do it too 
x
hi.. i recently discovered that i have bpd as all symptoms and causes are alike with my present and past… i had never heard about this disorder before but while reading it i felt that someone is describing me.. i told my mother immediately but m afraid whether she believes me or not i dint find her serious.. she only said “okay, we’ll see what to do!!” i want her to know that its not imagination o m trying to relate things an making a story!! i’m a student and it’s my final year; my exams are up within a month or two.. i’m already not able to concentrate and also don’t have time for treatment!! i need your help..
Maybe you could try showing her these blog posts and others to help her understand? You need some help and treatment to get better, but I can understand your difficulty with your studies, could you maybe just continue reading about BPD when you have time for now so that you can improve your own understanding of your condition and then when you have the time to sort it out get the treatment you need when you have got your exams out the way? it’s just a couple of months, at least you know what is wrong now so it is one less thing to worry about compared to wondering what is wrong, can you try to push it aside to get your exams done? tackle one thing at a time, it makes life easier
Good luck! x
I am just starting out on my journey with mental illness, I think I may have borderline traits and reading these stories makes me even more sure that I certainly have some aspects of borderline in my personality. Thanks so much for sharing, it helps so much to know that I am not alone with what is going on and that I can begin to get better and manage my symptoms and my life can improve
Good luck
Glad to help, good luck to you too I hope you manage to get some help and start the journey to recovery
I want to thank you so much for coming out with this because I thought I was the only one. not only am I BPD but alos PTSD!!!! Being two years we have split up about 6-7 times and married for a year we have split up 2 times and throwin the “divorce’ card so many times now it comes out natural. The last three months I have been getting violent, and even though he says its “ok” it isn’t..it was time to let him go. It has always been a “all or nothing” person, and I realize that unless I can get better, I didn’t want to not just go threw the unhealthy relationships, but I dont want no one to be with me. Its hard because I also have a issue with being alone. But I am in therapy and also on meds, and I know what day I will be mire in control of my situation.
I have been ‘alone’ now for a year since breaking things off with my fiance and yes I do get very lonely and hate being alone, but otherwise I am so much better and happier now, being in an unhealthy relationship was just making all my BPD symptoms so much worse. I too hope one day I will be happy and in control enough that I can have a healthy relationship again, for now I am just focussing on ‘me’
best wishes x
Hi, thanks for posting this, i recently had a gf who i am pretty sure was suffering from BPD, i am a really patient very loving person, but this was so difficult even with so much patience, she never told me she had BPD but i am 99% certain she did, and it is only now after a few months i am getting over and trying to understand what i just went through. She put all the blame onto me, was extremely needy and i supported her at every step, but the more supportive i became of her and her problems the more abusive she became towards me and more critical of me very randomly from nowhere on a daily basis, she then suddenly just cut off from me and wouldn’t even respond to any text i sent, strangely making me feel like i was the person who had done something wrong. this behavior has taken me a while to get my head around and i am just beginning to realize she wasn’t well. one question i had though for you is ..and this was something my gf would do alot which i couldn’t understand why, she would randomly when everything was fine would just not answer phone calls and go quiet for days, and lie about things that just needed require lying about? i would understand if she was cheating on me but she wasn’t, really strange i don’t know if you can relate to this? thanks
Hi Adrian, thanks for your comment sorry to hear about your relationship. I can indeed relate to your gf’s ‘silent treatment’ I can go into phases like this myself, I think it is part of the dissociation of BPD where we shut ourselves off to anyone close for no real reason I have found that at those times the best explanation I can give is that I needed to be alone and contact with the people closest to me was impossible to deal with but being unable to explain in a way that people would understand I would make up ‘reasons’ that could be construed as lies I wasn’t doing anything wrong at this time but would say I was ‘busy’ with things that did not exist to avoid making time for that person and things like that. I would be off in my own world, I guess like taking a holiday from emotions and because the weight of other peoples emotions is always too much for a borderline to handle during this ‘holiday’ period any contact with other people and their emotions was like being hit with a wave that you can’t get up from, so you just blank them all out until you are ready to face the world again… Hope this helps?
Hi Sharon,
This seemed to answer a lot of my questions about that, too. At least you were able to talk to your fiance a year ago and let them know why you felt the need to leave at that time.;)
I know it may be hard to communicate what is going on within one’s self, when sometimes those with BPD don’t even know, or can’t explain it… I think it’s still important to try with your SO. Especially, if they have stood by your side. Otherwise, the person with BPD will be subjecting their SO to the same abandonment issues that they, themselves, supposedly fear… so, even if you feel the need to leave after years of being in a relationship, it still might help the SO heal if they have some kind of understanding that they meant something to you for all the years they stood by you.
The illness (when looking at it from a non BPD perspective) can, indeed, seem very selfish, at times.
I am, also, aware that a SO and/or some relationships will really make one with BPD have to look at one’s own actions (and internal conflict) and sometimes that isn’t so pretty…
Yes, communicating something that you don’t understand yourself is very difficult but I did the best I could at the time…
Adrian, I experienced similar behavior in the weeks before my ex ended the relationship (using phrases like “right guy;wrong time” and “I can’t find the strength anymore” – which when you don’t realize what is happen or why, are so confusing you wonder if they’re purposely hurting you.)
My silent treatments would literally come minutes after a text or voice-mail about how much she missed me or wished I was there. I could be working and attempt to contact her ten minutes later to arrange time together and she’d ignore the communication or decline the offer – even though she missed me. I don’t know if they were passive-aggressive attempts to make me miss her (which I did anytime we weren’t together) or whether they were her attempts to attempt to control the situation. If I imagine myself being taken over by rapidly changing emotions on a regular basis, I think I would probably be trying a lot of different things to FEEL like I had SOME control over what was happening.
As needy as mine could be at times, and as much as I tried to help her understand that it was okay to need those needs, she often felt horrible because of it. If we assume that anyone in that position feels bad because of their emotional needs, and then we factor in that they don’t believe they deserve anyone to care about them in the first place and that the disorder is rooted in inner shame (many times a shame that actually belongs with someone else who mistreated them), it becomes easier to have some understanding over why the push-pull cycle happens in these relationships and why dishonesty is often employed to hide or mask what is really happening.
Another great insight Magick! Thank You
I’m not sure sure as the borderline that the tenacity is all down to the non-borderline. There’s loads of forums I notice on the poor sufferers of people living with borderlines, yet Borderlines can end up living with complete idiots who lie, cheat, control, manipulate, use and and exhibit anger too you know? I’ve lived with a non-borderline for 20 years and the only difference between us is that he feels no shame or guilt for being horrible and blames me constantly. It’s me who has wanted to end it for years, but my fear of abandonment is so bad, he could as easily be an onion, carrot or some other object I’d attached to 20 years ago …. and be as frightened to leave ‘them’ as inanimate objects right now!!! Came to you your blog when googling tips on how I can get to grips with my intense emotions and actually follow through with getting out of this relationship, finding peace and setting up home on my own.
I agree, borderlines seem to attract people who have similar flaws without a diagnosis and as you say these people tend not to feel the accompanying shame, guilt and remorse that goes along with our behaviour. I hope you do manage to find a way to break free from this controlling manipulative relationship as since I managed to get away from the non-borderline guy who treated me like that I have improved so much myself I would now be unlikely to meet the criteria for diagnosis – his behaviour made me a lot more ill! Best wishes to you for finding freedom and happiness x
Hi thanks I have been following this whole thread. I was with a guy who I loved to the ends of the earth and was there for him on many occasions when he was down. For four months he called me his soul mate and said how gentle, patient, and understanding I was. At first we weren’t “official” but then after a few months he said that he loved me and he wanted to be with me and he felt like I was his best friend. I felt the same to him – we were so close. Then about two weeks later he suddenly told me we were cut from different cloth, that he was angry at me, regretted ever confiding in me, and that we had nothing in common. After that he would not respond to my texts or emails except a couple of times to basically express hatred to me and imply that I was an evil person. So I am sure he would call me “toxic” but the truth is we never had any disagreements and we got along and respected, understood, and loved each other so well for that period. A couple times he sort of freaked on me it is true, but I just stayed calm and waited for it to pass. I loved him so much. But now 9 months have past. Why do you think he decided I was evil when nothing happened? How long might he hold on this anger? It has really torn me to pieces to think what we had was so special and it’s like he has no memory of it. I have never called him sense the break-up but drop a supportive email every month or six weeks which he never responds to – usually like a casual update and saying, I still miss you and hope you are well. Then recently I texted him and asked if it would be alright if I called him. He said no way and that if I ever contacted him again he was going to get a peace order, and that my contacts were hurting him. I don’t think he has any idea he has BPD but he demonstrated almost all of the DSM traits except self-injury (though he has had suicidal ideas when he was younger.)
Thanks.
I don’t know what the actual trigger was but I sounds like the ‘fear of abandonment’ coupled with ‘splitting’ definitely kicked in at some point to make him end things that way. He is most likely reflecting his own ‘toxicity’ on you as well. It may be hard but I think you need to close the door on it, stop all contact with him, no more emails or texts, if his response was so harsh it is not good to try to maintain contact with him. Sorry if you were hoping for a more positive response but I really think that especially if he is not aware of his condition nothing good can come of trying to keep in touch with him in this situation. Move on and find happiness somewhere else
Best Wishes Sharon
I am a none who broke it off with a BPD the day before Valentines. She was at my home prepping for a “special day” for me when I called her in the afternoon and she asked me who I was on the phone with prior to calling her. She then went on a horrible rant calling me names and a cheater and threatened to login into my ATT account (claimed she had all my passwords) and said she was doing all these “wonderful things” for me. It was so bizarre—she claimed she loved me yet was threatening me in a very demeaning way. I dreaded the next day.
An hour later I called her and told her to leave my home and when I came home she had shattered one of my picture frames.
That was the final straw for me after 4 years. There are so many other stories but this was the final final.
What a difficult time for you, her behaviour does sound very odd and erratic, sorry you had to deal with that
I hope you manage to get over it okay 
x
Hi Showard, thanks for that reply ..i just wanna say i think it’s fantastic you do this blog and bother to actually reply to everyone, it’s so helpful, mostly i think people just need to understand, and it’s a real shame because if everyone could just see or understand what each other needed, lot’s of broken hearts could be avoided. i had one more question for you really, i have to say i really did love my ex and after one talk i had with her regarding lies i called her out on, i sat down really calm and asked her to tell me how i can help her to help us ..basically i just wanted to know how i could be with her, what did i need to do in order to make this situation work, because i couldn’t be with someone who lies to me, i mean is there a way you can with a BPD person? because it felt so helpless, even with so much understanding and being so soo calm with her, the only option that seemed viable was to reduce myself to a punching bag and of course that is not exactly my dream relationship i always wished for. i actually recently text her to say would you like to be friends, that i saw her dark sides and still wanted to be her friend and that i cared very much, but no reply, i saw she unblocked me on facebook which was hilarious that she blocked me in the first place as she was the one who was pretty hurtful and said very cutting things to me yet she unblocked me so i thought oh perhaps this is her warming up to try have that closure or start a friendship, when i added her as a friend she then she told me she wasn’t sure how i became unblocked must have been a mistake, yet you can’t mistakenly unblock someone ..again another lie of all the many. i guess i need to give up hope we will ever have that closure discussion or a friendship, and i am also guessing as she used to before we got together sleep around alot so probably is using this as a way to cope? i don’t know, BPD is so hard to break through, is that how BPD people deal with things they just close this much off and that’s it forever? i never really experienced this, it’s i have to say very cutting to be on the other end of, but it helps so much to read this blog, i guess she is just suffering and not well?
Hi Adrian, Thank you, the whole reason for putting my own life out in the open like this was to try and help other people and I believe that it is helping some which makes me happy
Yes, understanding is the greatest thing we can hope for when it comes to difficult conditions such as BPD although I suspect no-one can every really understand it enough…I can understand why you asked your ex that question, mine asked me something similar – how could he help me so we could be together, but in the end nothing would ever have been enough with him. I didn’t realise at the time that I did not love him the same way he loved me (if he actually did either) I was dependant upon and relied upon him but he was controlling and manipulative which was what made me feel he was my world, looking back now I wonder if he was in fact a narcissist himself? any way my point is that asking her how you could help is something she would be unlikely to be able to provide an answer to, as she would not know. It takes a long time for us to gain any insight into how we can help ourselves let alone how anyone else can be of help to us, and further yet to transform those things into actions that can make a relationship work. For us, I feel, either the relationship works (naturally) or it does not and then the nest thing to do is walk away and not look back :/ While we are suffering and unwell there is no real hope for saving difficult relationships at that time and by the time we are well enough it is probably far too late 
I agree letting yourself become a punching bag ( either physically or emotionally, or both) is not a suitably resolution, no matter how much you love the other person, no-one should put up with that, abuse, lies, cheating etc are not part of a healthy relationship. Texting her to ask if she wants to be friends may not have been a good move if she is still unwell as her instant reaction to this would most likely be along the lines of ‘what does he want from me now, to use me some more now his latest slag has dumped him?’ (truth and facts not entering into the equation). Yes, sleeping around is a coping mechanism for some BPD’s (including me) and also a form of self-harm (unprotected sex, not caring about the risks). For me closing off completely is one important way to deal and move on, for me if it is ‘over’ and I feel wronged enough by a person they no longer exist at all to me, I close the door on them and our time and would never let them in again no matter what happened, I have done this with a number of people but I believe they fully deserve it, and I clearly meant nothing to them as it wasn’t like they even tried to contact me so I would not shut them out permanently… but then I do have a habit of attracting some very nasty people to be in my life and wonder why i end up getting hurt and never want to see them again – so I reckon I am better off without them? I hope this letting you inside my head a bit like this helps give you a bit more idea what kind of things may be going through her mind too!? 
Sharon
This makes me sad but relieved at the same time that i am not alone in my misery. I appreciate your blog and have recently spent a lot of time reading your posts to let me know i am not crazy….I just act that way sometimes. Thank you~ Jessica
Glad to help you see you are not alone Jessica, we aren’t crazy just people struggling with intense emotions beyond what it considered ‘normal’ (but who gets to say what is normal anyway!? lol
) x
Hello and thank you for this blog. Always interested in psychology, I, in recent years have been doing a lot of reading about “personality disorders”, including BPD and NPD and to my delight ironically. Learning about these troubeling and at times, frightening emotional disturbances, has opened up a wonderful tool for understanding my own mind and why “it” had reacted in such damaging and unhealthy ways in the past. Children are so fragile and beautiful and if raised by healthy parents with healthy self esteem, will become adults who are fragile and beautiful and strong. While my daughter was growing up, I was suffering with my own childhood trauma and showed narcississtic and borderline traits, putting my daughter and husband in harms way emotionally. I knew I had to do something but my lack of trust would not allow me to seek professional help so I started to read as much as I could. I started to study Buddhism and breathe and meditate slightly. Slowly but surely I came to understand that I wasn’t a bad person, just a hurt person trying to be happy and live in a difficult world just like everybody else. I came to understand that childhood trauma is very common and I was not alone. I forgave my mother and my father and myself. My daughter is forgiving me through deep understanding and compassion
and I know in my heart that my grandchild will benefit as well. Also, I have learned how to empathise with friends who suffer with BPD and love them.
Hi Lily, glad you are overcoming the traumas of your past. I too have found that reading about the condition has been a huge help in understanding, accepting and slowly overcoming the difficulties of living with BPD. I hope you continue to stay strong
Hi Showard,
Thank you for your reply. All the posts her have helped me immensly. Thank you, thank you.
About three years ago I had a bad break up with my ex. She was splitting me “black”, verbally abusing me, emotionally abusing me with extreme coldness and lying. I was so confused and hurt by all this until I learned more about BPD. I always instinctively knew that she was ill and that she really didn’t mean to be so abusive, but that didn’t help anything accept for me to understand better, and heal from this “nightmare”.
I know that I have experienced some BPD traits and NPD traits in the past but not to the extreme that I witnessed here.
Anyway, she’s back and not in a good place. She’s broke and trying to find a place to live and a car to drive with money from her new found job. She invites me to go shopping with her etc. and gave me a birthday present. I still love her because I always did and I understand her illness, but she’s emotionally weak. I’m not sure what she wants from me but I’m sure I cannot have a romantic relationship with her. I may be able to have a casual friendship with her. How can I help her?
We still have a few laughs and enjoy eachother’s company. Can a friendship work here?
Lily
Glad the posts help
I think if things are going well on the friendship level at the moment there’s a good chance it could continue, and just being a friend without any additional complications is probably the best help you can give her, I don’t think it would be healthy for you to try to help her any more than that, if you get too involved in her life things may blow up again as too much pressure will be put on you as she will start to rely on you again. Keep it simple and maintain a healthy distance from her problems for your own sake 
Hello,
I think you’re absolutely right about keeping it light. She is already asking too many favors like picking her up from work. I have done this twice and am feeling like she could start taking advantage of my kind nature. I really don’t mind picking her up but I feel a little used so I need to stop to protect my own self esteem. I understand this. I would like to think that she actually cares about me on some level instead of simply needing me for a “void filler” in herself or to fufill a need to create drama or for any other reason. When I’m with her, I can actually feel her fears and insecurities, her anger is rampant and her sense of self, absent. She’s gay and hates herself for being so but expresses a desire for acceptance from others and from herself as well. I fear GID in her too and alcoholism and perscription drug use. My compassion is so big but her issues are bigger. Really, I don’t know how a person with so many issues can be happy and peaceful. I wish I could do more. I wish I could walk away. Why am I attracted to such a disfunctional individual? Interesting but scary. Any input here would be so appreciated. You’re really great Sharon. Thank you again.-Lily
I sometimes think that being so needy, childlike and vulnerable in our appearance is a huge part of what attracts others to us, in addition to the fact that many BPD’d are just so naturally charming, attractive and sociable. We are ‘magnetic’. But, I think that once people start to get closer to us we bring out the side of them that wants to rescue us from ourselves (and BPD), save us, protect us and ‘prove’ to us, as people who openly admit to not being able to believe someone could love us, that we can be loved, are worthy of love and that ‘you’ are the person who will prove this to us… but these kinds of demonstartion often act as a trigger (due to our lack of belief) that causes us to retreat ourselves… :/ Sharon x
hi showard, that was a powerful piece that you wrote, but I also have a question I also had a break up with my bpd almost 10 mos ago, at the time her behavior was very strange,, she also has signs of being a Narc as well, I know the fact the relationship was unhealthy,and she had ended for the last time, why is it so hard for us non’s to move forward, it feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, maybe its due to the fact she came in and out so many times, 10 months has been the longest without contact, I tried reaching out to her and she never responded, I just really wanted to know how she was doing, so my question is when yall move on is that it forever, do yall ever think about your exes,
Hi Alanda, I guess that she normally keeps coming back is why you are struggling to move on, as you feel ‘on pause’ waiting for her to return again? I do think about my exes at times but yeah I think mostly when we move on it is forever, I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to go back to my ex now…
wow thank you, you shed some light on something I was looking to find out, maybe that is the closure I needed, and yes I have felt like I have been on pause for a very long time even after she left 10 mos ago. its sad that we can never be friends, but I will continue to move forward, do you have any advice to help us non’s move forward.
I guess the best advice is the same as when any relationship ends, just focus on doing things that make you happy and being with people that make you happy, avoid the negative things, remember the good times, forget the bad and chalk it up as another life experience and remember not everyone will hurt you and let you down so don’t let that experience stop you from loving again when you are ready. But at the same time, having been through a BPD relationship hopefully you are now more aware of the signs of when someone is not stable enough to sustain a relationship and therefore you can hopefully avoid letting yourself slip into another relationship that goes the same way… Good luck!
aww thank you yes I will, I have learned alot and in time when I am ready to love again I will be more aware, but also sometimes we non’s dont think what made us attract and also be attracted to someone with bpd, the signs were there before the relationship really took off, so I think if I also focus on that I would be able to fix somethings in me I need to change, but yes the relationship wasnt all bad, so I can take those things and move forward. but I do wanna ask if she ever does come back not for relationship but just to talk, what would your advice to be on that.
No problem
If she comes back, even just to talk take it carefully, play it by ear. Listen and find out what kind of position she is in at that time, beware of getting sucked in because she is ‘desperate’, if you don’t feel comfortable with the way she is then back off as soon as you feel safe to do so. She may be in a vulnerable position if she comes back. You need to remember to stay strong for your own sake, ask yourself questions such as if she comes back is letting her back in your life going to be good or bad for you? What if you are happy with someone else, is being in contact with her going to threaten/harm that relationship? Overall just be careful if she comes back because there will be a reason for it and it might not be a good reason…
Yeah, I guess it is different with some people who have BPD… as mine did come back several times. I, too, heard that once a person with BPD really cuts you out of their life, that is that… but, it obviously varies. Maybe he also knows deep down how much I really have stood by his side when no one else would. I, also, cannot deny the love he’s had for me… so, things can get very confusing. I think if a person accepts that they have the BPD, is open to talk about it, go to therapy and have you involved… that is the best scenario, but they have to want that, too. And not for the sake of shining a light on them that something is wrong with them. That isn’t a good thing, either, but for the sake that it’s always a good idea for everyone to understand themselves. Going to therapy doesn’t have to be hard if you have the right therapist and you love each other…. it doesn’t have to be seen in a negative light at all.
Yeah, most of the people I have ‘cut out’ will stay that way forever but there are others who have come close but for whatever reason (I suspect my connection to them is not so strong anyway?) I let them back in… I think usually it is those who have not been so important, not stood by us (and therefore not let us down) that we can let come and go more readily? I fully agree about the therapy, it has been very helpful to me even when I don’t see the point sometimes I still go now
And to you:Devara I wish to thank you personally for your kind words and your obvious understanding and care for my well being as another person in the world that shares a common situation,Thank You.
I hope things for you go well and I hope your dreams and wishes are realized.
Cameron
thank you for your words of encouragement.
You’re welcome
My ex has not been diagnosed,but she did say she was not right and after reading a lot I realised she had strong BPD traits, although she seemed to be the waif type. She was worried it was not going to work a few times and after 3 months together she made me commit to a serious relationship, I agreed and then she dumped me a week later when she having family issues. left me with a broken heart and continued contact for 2 months,she kept saying I deserve better and she could not give me what I want. I tried everything,she continued to tell me about her life everyday and her problems,some seemed exaggerated,she then told me she had a guy over the following weekend I lost it and cut her out completely. I still feel bad 4 months after this breakup. Said she could not be with me and she thought she loved me in the end. For some reason she still wanted me in her life, but I felt used and very confused. It is all very sad and she probably hates me now for slagging her in the end,but it was out of anger and confusion.
It sounds like you are better off out of it, the hurt, anger and confusion would only have continued if you stayed with her
I hope you can get over it and find happiness 
Hi Sharon, I too came across your Blog through Google. It is wonderful. I thank you for emptying your personal information on the Internet for all those who can heal from it, including myself. I am in my 50′s and so was my gf. We are now separate for a lmost a year. She has BPD but is unmedicated and is in denial as well. She has a restraining order against me for something I never did. i never stalked her, nor harrassed her. She did those to me several times since the breakup. She also tried to have my medical state licensure revoked from the state where I live. That never happened because after the state spent several thousands of dollars for inspectors, they could not find any incrimminating evidence she decalsred initially that i was some sex predator. She got just soooo crazy on me. I could not believe it! Nor could my friends and family. She then notified my friends and tried to tell tehm I was a sociopath. I have such a big heart to have stayed in a relationship which was damading to me, but because I oloved her and “still do”, how would I fit the criteria as a sociopath? Then she took records to the Police department for which i am being arraigned for next week. Yes, she clearly tried to damage every thing that I was and stood for, to include my sanity, integrity, etc. but i was allways a few steps away spiritually and somehow knew intuitively what to expect. I seemingly knew the path and the way through a tremendous amount of hurt and pain and lonliness. As she causes all these malicious activities, I realize how she must be hurting deeply for me. Perhaps still loves me, but pushes me away completely because for some reason she feels she can not have me. Two days ago, she had called my ex boss who is also a female friend. My ex gf was very jealous of my female friends. Made up stories as if to convince me i was cheatoing with nearly any and all my female friends. Not true! It got me very dissapointed. She still seems to want to get information out of my friends about me after nearly one years of “silence”. I now live a crazy lonely life because of her, yet days that are deeply burdened by the fact that inorder for me to gain peace, I need to move on somehow. Life is tougher now than ever before. I have waited all my life to find someone I had loved. And loved I did. I still do. Thank you for your blog Sharon. This is the meaning of knowing of the depth of the human experience.
Thanks Peter, I’m glad my posts can help people, it certainly helped me to let it out! I hope your ex stops her continued attacks on you and that you manage to find peace and happiness again soon
Hi Sharon,
My Ex BPD sufferer has not stopped engaging with me. She is totally out to destroy my life, crdibility, career, etc. She will be taking me back to court because she feels that I have violated a restraining order which was never violated in the first place, plus she has also instilled a harrassment and stalking order of sorts. That too has never happened. It is crazy. Indeed! I was caught in a whirlwind of chaos. I can only believe just hoiw much more she is suffereing than I am now. For her it must be continual. Please validate since i am amiss about the hows and whys of BPD. It is really crazy. Now I feel I will also have to obtain a restraining order on her. I now have an attorney as it is getting serious and potentially life threateneing because she stalks me here at my home and I don’t know how her mantation is. Thank you for your blog.
Hi Peter, so sorry to hear of her continued disgraceful behaviour, I agree she will be suffering a lot living with BPD as it is a living hell for those of us who have to live with it, but your own suffering is terrible too, I think you would be right to get a restraining order against her and glad you have an attorney because I think you need some serious help to get her to stop this harassment and stalking. I hope she stops soon!
Hi Sharon, I am very , let’s just say, proud of you sincerely, because you have opened up your heart to so many. AND many indeed are visiting your blog and praising you and yes, validating what you are doing here. I can not thank you enough.
Thank you so much for your kind words Peter
It makes me happy to know people appreciate what I write 
Hi Peter,
To me, it sounds as if she might be stalking you because you are the one who can get arrested if you are around her.;) Definitely, get a protective order on her ASAP, in order to protect yourself right now… and record *everything*. If you ever tried to reach out to her in a loving way, it could’ve triggered her, too, and could be why she’s taking action against you. The chaos she is showing to you is mirroring what is going on inside of herself, most likely. Once again, it is easier to place blame elsewhere than for her to have to look at her own actions. Regardless of the why’s, I’ve seen how things like this can get very ugly, so make sure you are protecting yourself, too. Take care of you first and foremost. She has to want to get help and she is unable to do that through you right now… because all the drama she has created. And, telling her she has an issue when she hasn’t yet accepted it, or, emotionally cannot… can wreck havoc on you… with the backlash of her immediate reactions to that. Although, her mental state will probably have to get brought up in court at this point anyway.:-/
It seems that a lot of people with BPD are great at manipulating, too… even if it’s subconscious… meaning they may not even recognize that what they are doing looks pretty manipulative and deceptive. Some might not be aware, whereas others may, indeed, be well aware of this trait.
I saw how my BPD partner could rage at me and then in another instant stay calm with someone else, when needed. Very interesting.
Take care of yourself first and foremost.
I hope Peter sees your comment
Thank you very much indeed for your post Devara and Sharon. I have read it and it has meant alot to me. It very much hurts me deeply that I need to go to that extent to protect myself from her amidst her dis-ease processing through the fourth stage. Please correct me if need be. I believe since our parting a year ago and she still trying to obtain information from my friends about me, apparently she still is very interested in me. Though I realize I need to have her served. That way too she will perhaps understand and maybe have a clearer picture of who I am and perhaps have some respect towards me instead of trying to “kill/destroy” my life and career altogether. Emotionally, this has been devastating to me. I am now seeing a counsellor weekly and talking to my friends. There are two court dates in May and June where the court will determine whether or not I have indeed violated the restraining order by leaving three loving notes in the park, a mile away from her home, which were put there before the restraining order was ever issued. It would be her words against mine. I do believe if she is still trying to elicit information from my friends of a two weeks ago, she is still very much consumed by me. Love vs. hate stage seems to be apparent. No? She is using transference, In that I have become the image of her father and mother who had abused her. Though I never did abuse her in any way. For her though i feel it is delusional being that she will abuuse those closest to her. Please comment. I too suffer most every day with these and more thoughts of her. Now I can not find a decent job because she has this restraining order against me as well. Public court files are available to employers for background check purposes. It as too sad when imnfact I was not the cause of this mess.
Sorry to hear things are so bad and showing no signs of improvement Peter, I do hope that things come to light in court that allow you the justice you deserve and this terrible chaos comes to an end
Thank you for all your assistance Sharon. I do realize now more than ever that people with BPD do suffer exponentially with the “dark-ness”, the isolation, the chaos in their mind set. the love vs. hate episodes, etc. that most others can not understand. I have since amidst my loving her still, decided to take that big leap against my normal self and put a restraining order against her and then prosecute further for slander in superior court. It has gotten so bad, that it is almost impossible for me to find and obtain work. What’s worse is I am dealing with some hidden self of hers that now really hates me for reasons I really don’t know and I am going through “love vs being unloving towards her”. It really sickens me that I have to deal with this emotional trauma myself and sometimes it is just unbearable to hang on. What do you do with some one who is unstable mentally? Thank you Sharon. Hope i have not upset you in any way. Just speaking reality here.
It is a shame things have gotten to that point but you need to do what is right for you. Sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away…
Thank you so much for sharing your insight into the way someone with BPD thinks in a relationship. I am the spouse of a BPD sufferer. I had to call the police as he attacked me. We are separated and he wants out the marriage after 8 years. I grieve for him and I am devastated as I love him so much and will do anything to help him. But he is unmedicated and refuses he needs help. I believe he is suffering with high functioning BPD which is worse as his family think he is fine and I am the only one who sees him the way he truly is after 13 years of knowing him.
Thank you for your post. It helps me understand. I pray that you get better and that you find the happiness you deserve. No one should suffer like that. BPD is an awful disease to suffer with and no human should endure that. God bless.
Thanks Denise, I hope all with BPD can get the help and support they need to get better, including your husband, it’s so hard when a person will not accept that they have a problem
I am doing much better now myself. I hope you will be okay 
Hi, Sharon, I was interested you said being away from your partner makes you a lot less ill now. My BPD partner left me 18 months ago. I was completely blindsided as I did not know the extent of his illness even after 8 years together, albeit 8 very difficult years. The first year after our split was the most painful time of my life. I couldn’t get any answers and he was so unrecognisably erratic, we hurt each other a hell of a lot.
I spoke to him recently after 8 months of no contact and I find he is living the dream! He has a new partner, great home, marriage plans, success at work… the whole package. And he seems so “sorted” and content. And I am still devastated and a wreck.
Selfish as I may seem, I am gutted! I gave my all to our relationship, loved him with all my heart and feel totally worthless to find he is thriving better without me. Please would you give me your honest thoughts on this?
Hi Debbie, yeah I have improved so much since leaving my partner, he dragged me down, controlling and manipulating me in ways that I couldn’t even see until after I had ended it, at the time I could just feel that things weren’t ‘right’ but not what it was about him that was wrong for me. As for your ex, he may be masking things and making them sound better than they really are to hurt you, or it could be true that he is sorted and content, but based on how I am and feel I would say that if he is in a relationship then he is not doing as well as he makes it sound because I know that I could not be happy and settled in another relationship for a long, long time after my last one. Time will tell but I suspect there may be more than he lets on. I think you should try to avoid any contact with him as it will only add to your hurting if you see/hear how ‘well’ he is doing without you. Like I say I am doing well without my ex, but not on a relationship level and I truly feel that a relationship would be likely to drag me down again, no matter how nice the person is or how good it seems to be on the surface :/ I hope you manage to find peace and happiness and let go of your hurt from your relationship with him x
Thank you Sharon, its kind of you to share those thoughts. I DO wish him happiness really, its just so hard not to be able to be the one helping him to find it. You’re so right that I have to end all contact and that is painful too.
Very best wishes to you.x
Thanks Debbie
I know it will be painful but it is for the best in the long run, good luck and best wishes to you too! 
x
It’s Cameron again and yes I did get her post showard76 ,it was very beautifully written,and I did take it to heart,so an update with my first Angel Eyes,I say first because I resently met another woman that has the same Angel Eyes and she is also very special,No we are not involed I simply offered her friendship,any way with my girl,we have to my surprise been able to talk about a resolution to my pain of needing to see she knows how I love her and her pain of needing to show me yet unable to fight her metal walls built from those years of pain she was powerless to stop.
We have decided that we will work on each other her on her,and me on me,now I know to people reading this they are saying”Right what the hell does that mean”lol I understand their confusion,and what it means is this,I have given her something no one has,the knowledge that I do love her very much and I will stop chasing her and expecting a diffrent result from my unbending actions,and she has given me the knowledge of being able to be the one she can call, email,and ask for my advise in her world which she has come to understand I know so well.
She has been in touch and she has been telling me about her dreams of us in candle light and me charging to the rescue,those kinds of things,that makes
me feel good since she has not expressed her even thinking about me in a thoughtful way for so long.
We are still friends and I know if she wanted me in that way I would cave,she is a remarkable woman,point,is,that I told her I would never give up on her and that I was getting tired,”I think I even said that in this forum somewhere” any way,that made her understand that I did care and love her and for some reason it turned off that switch in her mind and for a moment my Angel Eyes I could see knew how I felt and what I meant when I said it,and I have to say it did feel good to see,you might think it was a high price to pay for a seamingly small reward,if you do truley love a person then I can assure you it was worth it and I would do it all again.
I hope this makes sense to you people out there in this mixed up world,I know how hard it is to love,I also am a man that understands his own limits and were is own ego belongs,and this woman my Angel Eyes is the one that made it possable for me to look in the mirror and face my own demons,it was the only way to save me,and I had to take that look cause it was the only way to save her.
I truley love every one of you that have shared your lives and knowledge of what you have learned and in you “real” heart felt statments it “does” help and I cant thank each and everyone of you enough!
Showard76 “I hold love for you deep in my very soul for what you have done here”you have given hope to people that had none,and you give that knowledge (although painfull)at times it’s real,true and heart felt when you offer it,you also give it freely without any exspectation of anything in return,I dont know if you know this or not but that is very hard to come by these days,and again Thank you so very much,and remember girl I know you to are someones Angel Eyes and just know that you are loved by many more than you will ever know.
Cameron
Thank you Cameron, your last paragraph bought tears to my eyes. I share my pain, thoughts and experiences here in the hope they will help others but as you rightly say, expecting nothing in return, maybe one day I will find the person who considers me his Angel Eyes, and maybe I will even truly believe it? I hope so
Sharon
Awww, Cameron. I could, indeed, relate to a lot of what you said above.
And, thank you for your own kind words to me. They meant a lot. I wish you the same on your journey.:)
showard76: I have very broken heart ….well again,I,if you remember was so happy to of made an arrangment with my Angel Eyes,to stop pushing,I think u will remember ,any way she got involved with a guy thats 59 years old(her being 41) and my absence was the blame she used,this was a guy she knew before we met,back when she drank allot and did allot of 420,she had stopped most all that when we were together,we would go out I would treat her like a lady,dinner maybe a drink and open doors that sort of thing.
I see know why she would keep me at arms reach and tell me it was her hours at work and the weekends with her kids and I was never aloud over at her place sinse her and her male roomate,(another ex) got into a fight because he seen her and I together and raised hell and rushed back home,she made me take her back to confront him saying to me”he has no right”"I told him we were roomates and nothing more”!but when I took her back she ask me to wait in the car,I heard yellingLOUD,and her 13 year old daughter is in there so I went in,they were squared off,he was pulling up his fists,her daughter was jumping around trying to get in front of Angel Eyes to protect her,I went forward no one sees me yet,I placed my right hand on her daughters shoulder,she spun around,seen it was me,and I gave her the it’s ok look and moved in front of her then in front of Angel Eyes,her daughter called cops,He tried to hit me,he missed,he then screamed for me to leave I said nothing as I could see the hurt in his face,the pain that when he then screamed”SHE DONT LIE!SHE JUST NEVER TELLS THE WHOLE TRUTH!”and I knew he was being told something other than what I was,he rush me head down and tried to tackle me,I did not move,I’m 6 foot 3 225 lbs he is 5foot 6 and about 140 lbs he would not let go so I threw him away from me,I did not realize he was so light,he went up against a wall feet off ground sideways,like a sticky spider kids toy,I slowly backed away,he grabbed his keys,I turned to meet AE coming full speed toward me but I would not let her get to him,she was enraged,uncontolable,I simply kept my hand on her shoulders not grabing just using palms and kept saying Angel Eyes,Baby Cub listen U go to jail Your baby cub will be here alone with him! stop! stop! listen to me ! calm down CUB stop!,she finally heard me,and as she seen him trying to rush out the door she swung her leg around me and kicked him as he fled.
Because of that she told me that her daughter said I looked like an angel standing in confrontation with him so calm,when he rushed me I heard her daughter scream NO!!!1 I thought it was for me not to hurt him,Angel Eyes told me later it was she did not want him to touch me,made me cry,I did not know she really cared that much for me,however AE said I cant come over any more sinse I rag dolled him,and then our talk.
She got together with this older guy that still lives by his moms money smokes 420 and drinks every day at the bar,I drove by and the whole family daughter the old drunk guy the roomate I saved from either huting AE or vise versa and her all having a nice dinner curtains open wide with all her girls and having a wonderful time.
Why could not the roomate say Cameron thank you for stopping us from hurting each other,why did she use me to always be there for her but run around on me and then always come back and say”no matter how far I go,who I run to,I cant deny my heart,I need you” and then turn around 3 weeks later and do this to me.
Im a smart man ,I love deeply,I’m 44 and been with 4 woman my whole life,I never slept around on her,was always there at the drop of a hat,she has called me at 4 am and was scared lost and cold and I went and got my Angel eyes,made her soup,gave her a nice canndle light bath all without asking any questions and with every thing non intement just being there for her I thought would show her I wanted to take care of her,this because she thought or said at least that I just wanted her for you know,I proved that to be wrong and later she admited she just said that.
I know Im rambling here,I’m sick,my heart is killing me,I HATE THIS HURT!,and typing through these tears is harder than you might think.
You will find your fella Showard76,you know why ?because if you are anything like my Angel Eyes but with the strength to put it all out there,for all to see,you have already done something my A E never could….you know what that is? HUH? it’s the trust that you had to release to give people MEN and WOMAN that have been just destroyed a shot at you!to tell you just what they think! and if you look back at the things written here you will see,that us nons dont hate you,or our borderlines or ptsd’s we love(loved) you,and I hope you see that the pain I’m going through might help you to see that allot of us have paid allot,not saying it does not hurt you I know it does,but girl,by the will of god try to let someone be there for you,trust their love,cause whats the diffrence,we hurt,you hurt,and I for one figure even though I want to just die right now,I would fall again for her,I do love her that much and damn it if Im going to hurt Im going to because I did go all in,I held back no trust,I was hers,being the damn fool I am prob, would be again,I hope this makes sense,Showerd76 if you ever can GO ALL IN,sometimes with the right guy and if you can do it given time I think you will see,”you know”"I like this”.
I hope you find him girl as much as I wish my Angel Eyes could have loved me as I trusted she knew I did her.I lost and it hurts!.
I wish you all so well,I do love you people.
I am going in for counciling tomorrow,I am not thinking right I feel worthless and un lovable,I feel like hiding in my damn room,I’m not me,and after being with my momma Cub,Angel Eyes for 3 years,I guess I have some untangling to do.
Everyone take care.
Cameron
Sorry to hear about these terrible things. I hope your counselling helps you get over the horrible trauma your relationship with angel eyes has caused you, you do indeed seem very broken by what you have been through. Take care of yourself now, that is the best thing you can do
Sharon
You do have Angel Eyes ,you will find him,just understand that the only thing I can think is somehow,in some way,I might not have been able to show her I was truly hers”All In”,please really pay attention to the posative things he tries to do for you,when the feeling of “wait whats up”hits you,try to stop just for a moment,think about when you look into his eyes and see that (amber firelight)as my Angel Eyes used to say and think”wait I know there is a reason”"and my girl you might just want to kick ur own ass in realizing” wow I see now that was a sweet thing for him to do,I dont think people want to hurt others,presidents dont become presidents to hurt,teachers start out truly wanting to help,just as counsil starts out really caring,Please always no matter how hard that instinct to run and hide pushes you,try to see the good in us all as I’m doing right now,u all have helped me so much and not being a cry baby or whimpy bastard normally,I …..Hey look no more tears,so again thanks to all of you.YOU ALL HELPED ME.love to all.
cameronseyes
No angel eyes here, and unfortunately some people do go into things with the intention to hurt others. I try to see the good in people, but I usually end up being hurt as result of trusting and caring too much for people who do not feel the same…
To Sharon H,…This is Cameron I was wanting to know how to put my picture in that little square by what I post,thought it might be nice for people to put a face to my words,can you help me do that?
Hi Cameron, yeah I think it works like this… you need to go to your gravatar profile (mine is http://en.gravatar.com/showard76) I think you can get to it by signing in with your email address at http://en.gravatar.com/ then you can choose to add a picture by uploading it from your computer
hope this helps?
And thank you for the link now at least you know what the voice looks like
No problem, and I’d just like to apologise again for the delays in replying to emails and approving and replying to comments. I have a very long commute for work, studying and ‘life’ to juggle in addition to the huge amount of emails and comments. I have to prioritise and work and studying come first…
Devara: Your very welcome,and Showard76 you to,Both of you,please learn a little from me,if we all could truly in our hearts, know after all the jitters and fear, KNOW,that who we are with,” in our soul feels so right!” GO ALL IN! the hell with it,we might only live once,and if thats the case,then at least once we all should try to trust in the love we have for another and that trust we have in our own heart is what we need to show to our Angel Eyes or to us men,if we are to be forsaken or damn by god lets be damned for how we truly love!Hold nothing back.
With love,Cameronseyes
The world would be a wonderful place if everyone could love that freely and hold nothing back, but I suspect it is more of a dream world than reality
Forgot to mention the nail in my coffin,The older guy that she is now with(mind you she had been perposed to and said yes 2 times while we were as far as I was concerned a couple)and then came back to me crying which I forgave,any way,I told him,read up on PTSD/BPD it will help u love her likes she needs to be,be better than I was for her,cause I knew they were a couple,…the NAIL was the older guy sent me a message on my gmail SMS not realizing that he hit reply instead of texting her(he was wasted)and sent”Cameron is F’ing wierd! I love you(her name)and I really mean it”(why he would need to qualify that as a fact i dont know),so understandably pissed I sent him a little one back and said “learn how to operate ur damn phone!”"what are you pushing60!then I calmed and said look just get word to Angel Eyes I would like some of my things back,and then .and hit send.
She gmailed me and said you leave (his name)alone,and I threw out your stuff,stay out of my life and I’ll stay out of yours!.
So you see I get Camerons F’ing wierd for calming down and trying to be adult about this,…see any time she would get caught,OH MY GOD the shit would hit the fan just like what she sent me on gmail,she would change facts,,,,,well u know the story from there,anyway,I’m very hurt again,cause I’m an idiot,but I know,..”KNOW”…that I would do it all again and I do love her and even though it seems as though I will never be able to hug her pain away again,I will always love ,that woman,my Angel Eyes,my little baby Cub,…I know I know,I am going to miss that little shit,she was my world,my ….well…Angel.
Cameronseyes
Oh ya the old guy never did respond to me,just went and cried to her,so she knew she had been caught,he should have left the text I sent him out of it and simply said we should give Cameron’s stuff back,and not let on I knew that way he could of looked better( not showing his mess up in the first place which obviously never crossed his mind),and she would not have had to go through that mix of emotion to run save bail or fight,but he did not do that,and so on
and so on,so seeing that he is going to hide behind her is going to last very little,with her, and I have a sneaking suspition that I’m going to hear from her again,and Showard76,I am scared of that,I have zero defense against Angel Eyes,I dont know what it is,but I will say this,if we dive back into the ring together I am going to spell out ALL IN or nothing and as always stand my ground calmly and leave if she needs the room,Im able to tell you Im weak
when it comes to her cause I could give a damn that my ego is kicking my ass right now for even telling you and as it is,IT”S the truth,so as you can see I am impossably attached to her,I can’t even cuss her for the things she has done without defending her,good thing I’m going in tomorrow perhaps someone can help me sort through this there,I will keep u informed if you would like,I realize that what I have told you here might have damaged your opinion of me some,but I figure If i’m going to be of any help to anyone else,I might as well try not to paint myself as perfect victim,cause an Angel I’m not.
Thanks again everyone turn the page.
Cameronseyes
I hope she doesn’t contact you again because you really don’t need it, you need to heal now, I hope you can
Hi… I have been following this thread and thought if sumone here can help me out… well I’ve been in a relationship with a girl since a year and a half… the start was beautiful and everything was perfect…but 4 months down the line things started becoming worse… this is my first relationship and I love her alot… we started fighting on stupid topics… again I thought this was all a part of being in a relationship so I kept it strong….afterwards her parents were against us and this freaked her out totally… I remember her telling me that she woke up everyday with the fear of losing me… she used to break up with me for the smallest of reasons… I was always left clueless and helpless as to why is she doing this… fights and arguments are on one side but breaking up every now and then!!!… we used to break up and then she used to come back coz she missed me alot and cudnt live without me…then slowly I got to experience her true anger… things were the same… she’s a dentist and is 23… her room is filled with softoys… not a big deal.. girls like them… but once when I asked her why did she love her soft toys so much… to which she replied that her soft toys cannot harm her like people can… she becomes hyper and has panic attacks if at all I do not text her for like 4-5 hrs coz I’m in office or majority of the tyms I’m in a meeting… her BP falls and her pulse is barely measurable…she broke up with me once coz a friend of mine told her that I was with a girl for an entire night… well that wasn’t true…. she realised that and we got back together… but what I Neva understood was that not even once did she ever bothered calling me and clearing out or at least ask me if I had done that… she just abused me on text and blocked me… somehow she always felt that I Neva did love her enuf… this she has personally told me… one year down the line she needed reasons as to why I loved her…I thought the main reason for this kind of behaviour was her parents disapproval… after a month of not staying in touch we got back together coz we really missed each oder a lot… she promised me that she would try reasoning out with her parents and I Neva pressed her coz I knew not all people are strong… but then after promising me she breaks up with me after an hour saying that she is too scared… again made a lil sense… people get cold feet… she freaked out… all this was taking a huge toll on m mental and physical well being…. she got back to me again and explained me that she breaks up consistently coz she fears losing me the most
… the fights just add on to stuff… I Neva really understood this coz how can u abandon sumone whom u fear losing the most… still i made her life easier by saying that let’s just live our present to the fullest and assume we don’t have a future… still she ends up breaking up with me for the most ridiculous reasons… and when I give up on her she tries to get back… to sum it up all… when I met this girl she appeared smart and intelligent… but then I always wondered that how come sumone who loves u so much can abandon u repeatedly… how can she be so immature… I mean after breaking up so many times still she doesn’t understand the meaning of a relationship… at times she’s extremely immature
… she is insecure and is emotionally very unstable… I love her… and have tried everything but nothing helps… she is always fearful and will always be… this is like a never ending cycle…. so is she suffering from bpd??…. coz I have never really understood this behaviour of running away repeatedly… please do help
Hi Sahil, apologies for the delay replying! It really does sound like she may have BPD, this cycle of running away and coming back is the ‘push-pull’ fear of abandonment she is suffering, and when you fear it that much you end up pushing people away before they can abandon you but then try to pull them back because you don’t want to be alone/without them and this cycle continues over and over until it ends, which is usually not good. You said she is ‘Emotionally unstable’ this is entirely true and also another name for BPD! She needs to get help, but you can’t ‘make’ her do this she has to want it…
Sorry…. forgot to add one thing… we re currently not together coz she chose to break up… its been a month and now again she wants to get back… I’m really tired of all this… she claims she loves me more then her life but then ends up running away always…and one thing I’m extremely sure of… this female really loves me very truely…
It’s up to you what you decide, but if you don’t want to keep living this cycle I would suggest you shouldn’t get back together again because it will keep happening…
Cannot relate. I tend to go to abusive men. So I just broke it off with my abusive ex and I am getting treatment and medication and I will not date until I can get a man who is not abusive.
Good luck I hope you manage to find a decent guy who won’t be abusive
x
Dear Sharon,
I have recently separated, for the second time, from my month-long relationship with my BPD-diagnosed boyfriend. He was the one to initiate the break-up, and he believes it’s for the best because he feels like all he’s ever felt for me was “instinctual lust”, that he can never be in a relationship because he’s “incapable” of forming an emotional connection to anyone, that we would be much better off as friends, if it’s even possible. Despite our time together, it was full of tremulous ups and downs. Even though it was short, I can’t believe so much has happened. The first time he attempted to break-up, I took the break-up with understanding and told him that I know there’s more to his words than he’s trying to show. The day before the first break-up, we had slept together for the first time, and that is when he told me that he loves me, that he had never “felt this safe” in someone’s arms since he was a baby in his own “Mother’s arms”. Later the following night, the night of the breakup, he dug horrible cuts into his arm for the second time, took photos of them, and posted them online. His online “friends” commented on the photos as if he was their own little guinea pig they were experimenting. They were interested in him only as if he was a case study, no one showed any concern or even began to tell him that what he was doing was dangerous or wrong. It was 2 AM when I saw the photos and began crying, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and immediately got into my car and rushed over to his house. I called him several times asking him to come down, and so he did, trembling down the staircase with a happy smile on his face but misery in his eyes, those layers of bandages wrapped around his forearm. I hugged him, tears in my eyes, and I wiped away the tears he was trying so hard to hide from me. I told him that it’s going to be ok, and that I had promised him that I would never abandon him, that I’d always see past his words and actions. I tried taking him to the hospital, of course, but he refused, and I did everything I could to make sure he was safe and comfortable. I got online as soon as I got home, and he told me he couldn’t stop crying because it was the first time someone was there for him when he needed someone the most. That I am “the best of them all”, a “fallen angel”, a “dream”. Eventually, and not to my surprise because I knew of his sickness, things began going down again, back up, and back down. Sometimes he’d act very cold and distant, and other times he’d be the most intimate, loving person you’d imagine. Several times when we were in the back of a taxi, he’d slowly move his hands towards mine and hold them so tightly. I could tell from the way he gripped and loosened grip through the entire ride that he was in conflict with his own thoughts and feelings towards me, and not just because we live in a society where homosexuality can get you arrested. It was his way of communicating to me what his words could never express. He cheated on me once, something I never thought I could tolerate in a relationship, but I took it with understanding.. I know he’s ill, and I know why he does everything he does. Your words have brought things a step closer into light. I want to help him, I feel I am strong enough for both of us. For now, he’s avoiding me, but I feel a big part of him is fighting it. He says he still wants to be able to contact me every now and then. I’m prepared for this, I’m expecting anything to happen. I just want to know what you think, and add suggestions if you have any
I really, really care about him, I don’t think I’d be here posting this comment right now if there was a part of me that felt too weak for this.
Hi H, thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear of your boyfriends difficulties, what he really needs is to get some help to manage his emotions, therapy or something like that. It is very honourable and loving of you to be willing to tolerate his behaviour to help him and love him but I caution against giving yourself too freely to him when he is not getting help. If you really want to be there for him you must set firm boundaries on what you expect from him and his behaviour or he will walk all over you and things will quickly become toxic which will be damaging to you and your own mental health, he is right that he is not really capable of forming a stable emotional connection, but that is for now and may not always be the case if he can get help. If he is avoiding you at the moment I would be careful not to push things too much in trying to maintain contact, wait for him to reach out to you but when he does be ready to be strong and firm don’t allow your love and his weakness and illness to allow him to mistreat and use you, he may not be doing it intentionally as it is just a part of having BPD to unwillingly have poor management of your behaviour but if he really values and wants to hold on to you, be it as friend or lover, he will be willing to work on improving his own skills to enable you both to have a meaningful relationship. I wish you the best of luck! Sharon
Thank you so much for your reply, Sharon
You’re right, I’ll be very firm next time we speak. I just don’t know how to communicate to him that he needs help without hurting him or making him feel insulted ): He’s very stubborn, as well.
Good luck, hope it is going well for you and continues to do so!
Thank you so very much for sharing this, and all your other posts with the world.
The woman I have been married to for 26 years suffers with BPD and I had no idea of how to properly communicate with her when her symptoms intensified this past year.
You described so many feelings so much better than the hundreds of pages I’ve read in an effort to educate myself on this. Now, I understand and we will both benefit from your efforts.
I’m so glad I found your blog, keep it up, I admire your bravery and honesty.
Thank you Dave, I have tried to just be honest and share how it feels from my point of view. I know not everyone will see things the same way, even others with BPD but I can’t speak for other people, nor can anyone else. I just want people to see the reality from the fiction and from most of the feedback I think people consider I do a good job of it
Thank you again and best wishes for you and your wife x
Hello to everyone, and thank you for the past couple of hours
. I have just found out this blog, and it has been like having a conversation with my ex?BPD partner, who has just started me isolating (for the second time in our lives) about a week ago… We have never speaked of this situations before, nor I was aware of the BPD before.. But now that I read.. oooogh my..
. Previous days I was quite sure I want to talk with her and express how hurt I was, but to tell her she has to decide if she will try to keep me for further on, but today I would do and accept everything 
. Maybe I suffer from the BPD partly, to, ha? 
)
Anyway, I would like to ask anyone who had experiences like this, especially guys and girls that themself suffer from the BPD two questions.. If anyone is willing to discuss… So, the first one is about her love at all.. Cause she has never told me anything like ‘I love you, you are the one’.. she just showed it.. and I am the only person she’s actually isolating now. She accused me of being to caring and to loving. I was wondering can it be that even she herself is not aware that she loves me, just acts like that and hiding it from herself? The other question is how would you like someone who loves you to approach you. She wants an isolation, and I will give it to her, but today is very hard day, because my emotions are all over around me
Guys, sorry if my post is confused and bad English, because it is not my mother language, but I hope someone will be ready to discuss my thoughts.. Regards!!!
Hi, thanks for your comment, glad the blog is helping you understand your ex. In answer to your questions, It is difficult to know if she loves you or not because she probably doesn’t know herself, BPD causes confusion of emotions so we (I have it) find it difficult to believe our feelings and know if they are real or not. With your second question I think it would be best to allow her isolation if that is what she is asking for as she probably needs it to try and help sort her feelings out. Maybe you do suffer BPD partly too!? hehe:) Best Wishes
Tnx Sharon very much! Hearing about confused emotions relaxes me a lot.
As for my BDP, I strongly believe we all have different attributes that go one way direction or another, it just depends on the percentage. You see, I am a math person, so I calculate everything divided by hundred.. Hehe.. I will stay up to your blog for sure, but in case I don’t post anymore, I send you also best whishes!
Best wishes to you also
Thank you, my dear. Your words have brought me an understanding why my ex-fiancee broke off with me after I had discovered her other persona in a double life of drugs, sex & debauchery in her own home. In the day, she is a devout Catholic & we even pledged celibacy until we married. She demanded we cut off contact because she was in love with her drug dealer — a man she stood by as she threatened me with grievous bodily harm if I did not leave her & her company whom I caught in an orgy that night — & that in the eyes of God I was nothing to her. She texted me a few days later to return a religious article for me at Church & saying my mom & I will always be in her prayers. It is all a mystery as she still attends Church almost daily. Perhaps our relationship would have been a painful reminder of a hypocrisy she feels is not in her control. I wish there were some way I can let her know that I will be here for her at her worst moments in life & she needs the love she seeks in our religion. Last week, I found a book that belonged to her & she refused even to look at me when I tried to return it to her in Church. For now, I can only do as she says she will do for me … pray.
Thank you for your openness & honesty. I only wish I had understood her condition the time I caught her, managed my own pain of the discovery & knew how to deal with the situation better. All the best in your endeavours.
Sorry to hear about that, it sounds horrible! I think praying for her is the most you can do, given what you describe I think letting her know you will be there for her would not be met with a good response and only leave you open for being ‘used’ if she wants to take advantage of your kindness
Best wishes to you I hope you are able to recover from what you have been through.
Thanks for the concern too, Sharon. I had decided to go through counselling because the experience was traumatic — I suffered from insomnia, night sweat & nightmares. I’m probably suffering from depression as well because I have started to neglect my volunteer work. Studying BPD & even acknowledging features in myself that got me attracted to her in the first place has been helping me a lot. I still see her on occasion in Church & she looks like she is now suffering from anorexia as well & putting on goth make up which makes her look scarier. A common priest friend has advised me to continue to keep my distance but remain courteous & cordial & — if I’m really sincere in having forgiven her — to respect any attempt by her at reconnection, but as a friend, nothing more. My counsellor has advised me to “protect” myself first if ever that occasion happens by knowing & standing firm on my boundaries. My spiritual director urged me to, in my heart, not begrudge her the opportunity to seek the grace of God & simply continue praying for her recovery or — if she refuses professional help — a happy death where she reconciles with herself. I can’t believe that I’m still in love with her yet i understand that I must protect myself from the complexity of her condition & be kind to myself before I can be really able to help her.
I fully agree with both your priest friend and counsellor about being courteous and having boundaries should any reconnection occur, protecting yourself has to be your priority. I’m glad you have some good support networks to help you as you recover from your experiences
Well, Sharon, hello there again. Maybe you all guys knew better than me that I will post more in the future, ha?
Anyway, first of all I would like to ask you if it is OK with you to post things like this on this discussion, this is your personal blog, and I am putting my story here almost completely, I don’t know if it is OK? The reason I am doing this is that I feel like you and guys around here are very rare persons I can talk with right now openly and honestly.. And maybe some discussion might help all of us feel a little bit better?
Anyway, I have a completely new situation in my BPD relationship, so I was hoping I could hear an advice / opinion from folks over here.. After three weeks of NC with me, and her having contacts with other friends, I heard that the sister of my ex?BPD is very ill, and that my BPD is spending every night in a hospital with her now. I believe it is very hard for her, and just for the old times, I would like to offer my help. I would say smtng like: “OK, our problems stay, but let’s survive this together, and after that we will see what to do”. But I am afraid of her reaction or that she might act like I am a crazy stranger offering her smtng. Any thoughts?
Thanks in advance and best wishes!!
Hi, yes you are most welcome to share your story here, I like open discussions on my blog
Sorry to hear about your ex’s sister, hope she is getting better? To be honest while she is under all the pressure and worry of her sister being ill I don’t think she would respond well to contact, even just offering support as she is likely to be in a very difficult place emotionally and her reaction may be very negative and angry. Probably best to just kind of ‘watch’ from afar and maybe try to let it be known, carefully, though friends that if she does need support the door is open for her to contact you (although I suspect she wouldn’t!) hope this helps
Hey Sharon! I read your reply this morning, and the “I suspect she wouldN’T” part rather confused me. I thought to my self: “OK, either Sharon put negation by a mistake, or that girl is just not that into me, she won’t call”.. And guess what.. she called in the mean time.. Heheh.. So, now I runaway to read part “how to talk to a person with BDP”, and ask you to keep your fingers crossed for both of us! Should I mention that I am scared to death before our next seeing eachother
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Regards distant friend!
Hey
I’m not sure what I meant there but if she has called then it probably doesn’t matter hehe. I hope it has gone well since the call? I have my fingers crossed for you, but please be careful and look after yourself! 
Hello this hit the mark for me glad i found this page i too recently had these this happen to me i meet this girl about 4 months ago the first two months were great she was so loving and caring she would always be there for me when ever i needed something i too treated her the same way. She would say u are my soulmate u are the perfect man for me u treat me so kindly and have lots of patience with me she would say that no one had ever made her feel this way we would talk on the phone for hours on end and spend lots of happy moments together in about the 2 months she started to act jealous of my friends and family i have a big heart my true friends who have being there for me in the bad times and goods times have helped me and i have to helped them and same goes for my family she would see it as a bad thing for me to help them so much she would say everytime i ask my family for something i have to give them money u know things like that i would tell her that well some people are like that and some people truly help you with nothing in return they do exist and she would say that people like that don’t exist those were the first little problems that after that she would get jealous if i would visit my friends or my family so i agreed with her and started to spend less time with my friends and family and gave her almost all my time. After that we had planed to go out dancing i forgot put my shoes in the car when i arrived at her house i told her what had happend she got angry with me saying how she would feel trapped and that she couldn’t do anything now that i was in her life when just about a day back she said on how she couldn’t live with out me and that she hoped that i never left her. Soon after that it was good again than about a week had pasted my phone rang and it was my mother calling she quickly said it was probably some girl and someone i was cheating with i even pass the phone to her to speak with my mother when i did that she got more angry with me later that night we went out for dinner she was constantly saying that i was looking at all the women that passed by i would say i love u and i will not disrespect you like that ever she followed by saying you men are all alike and compared me to her past boyfriends she would say things like i’m always the one who has to settle or twist my arm in this relationship i can’t tell u anything or u get mad and out of the blue she would tell me are u mad u looked angry or sad when i wasn’t it got so bad that i ended the relationship after i did that she called me left me tons of texts of how could i let her down she would bad mouth me with her family only telling her side of the story on how bad of a man of was with her then she would text me back how she was sorry and she would change so went back together i did love this women after all after that it was never the same like the first month she would that be angry or feel sad for no reason no matter what she never felt happy my brother got married and he was waiting to move into a new apartment so i told him to stay with me for a little for the time he waited to get his new apartment she told me that she didn’t like me staying with my wife’s brother alone she would accuse me of me sleeping with her it was really bad i could not take it anymore and the end she told me that she could not trust me anymore and that she could not be with a person that she could not trust i don’t think she can’t anyone not even her family she also sad that she had to time for a relationship when it was always the opposite i tried to stay friends with her but she would always get upset with me and blame me for the break up and change she would get she would mention it i than ended up leaving her completely i have never had this type of experience happen to me before it has being tough on me i think more mental drain than anything now after a month has gone by i feel a little better and now me reading this i can go on feeling less to blame on how i could of being more there for her and more understanding now i understand that i could not and ending this relationship was the best thing thank you
Yes, I agree completely ending this relationship was for the best, she clearly had so many difficulties but if she was not willing to try and get help and get better it would only continue to be a very toxic situation
sorry you had this experience, I hope you are managing to recover now! 
Most people will never know the pain of truely loving a bpd and giving all u ttruly have to show them just to be pushed away!
so true Mike! but they only do it because they don’t know any better
Thank you for sharing and being so brave, your experience helps us all. I am in the same situation as you and it’s really hard. I support him financially so I have to wait that he leaves me when he is finacially independent and it’s killing me. I hope things went okay for yiu and yiu found peace. All the best to you.
Thank you, I hope you manage to get your freedom soon. In many ways I’m doing great but still a long way to go to find peace! One day I will get there