Something strange is occurring…
To be honest it actually has me worried, I’m not used to this!
Things are ‘normal’, no drama, no over the top emotions just ‘normal’…
I haven’t self-harmed in over a month and I haven’t had any other kind of crisis episode, or even a big outburst of emotions, really everything has just been going smoothly.
Initially I didn’t like it.
I haven’t been as productive as I usually am, but thinking about it hyper-productivity is usually related to a manic phase, when everything in my life is running at hyper-speed. Not that I haven’t been getting things done, I still am, I’m just not doing far more than is humanly possible, lol
At first I thought I was bored and empty, maybe I was a bit, I don’t know, but I’ve now accepted that the reality is that I am just doing/being more normal levels of activity.
There have been a few incidents that could possibly, and would normally be massive triggers for me, that I have handled unusually well…
The biggest one is that this guy I have had this on-off thing with for quite some time has got himself a ‘real’ girlfriend. This alone is something that should have been a huge trigger for me given the volatile state of our relationship beforehand. But, rather than any kind of explosive reaction – for me this would be in the form of internalised anger and distress, resulting in self-harm and ‘acting out’ getting drunk and acting impulsively – I had a ‘normal’ emotional reaction instead, I had a cry about it, felt sorry for myself that I was clearly not ‘girlfriend’ material and then just got on with things. I did leave the pub early one night because seeing him with her was making me feel hurt, but again even that was just a normal response, I didn’t storm off in a mood, just left quietly thinking it was better to get away from a situation that could upset me than let it get to me!
I talked to my therapist about the way I have been lately and she told me she was really proud of me, and actually I am proud of me too!
As many of you will know from reading my posts regularly there have been so many things that can, do and have triggered me to have a mega BPD outburst of some kind or another. But, for what feels like the first time in years, I am just ‘okay’…
Is this remission?
Why has it happened now?
I don’t know the answers, I don’t ‘feel’ like I have really been doing anything different that could have caused me to cope so well, and it is certainly a very sudden change as I had even recently had some mega up’s and down’s.
Will it last?
That is my biggest concern of all, of course! I don’t know if this way of being will last. One thing for sure is right now I would not meet the criteria for a BPD diagnosis, but I’m not cured or ‘better’ by any means, how could I be, nothing has happened to bring about such things! So, that issue really is how long will this phase of remission last. Now the only problem with worrying about that is that I could bring about the end of the remission just by over-analysing it. Self-fulling prophecy and all that… Spend too much time thinking about ‘when am I going to crash again?’ and I could cause that to happen. But, it’s hard not to think about it!
For now I just have to accept it for what it is, bare in mind that it may not last, but try not to over think about that possibility so that I don’t cause it to end myself!
How are you doing?
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- You know you’re a Borderline when… – 10 signs you have BPD (showard76.wordpress.com)
- The Latest Information on BPD: (psychologytoday.com)
- BPD Black and White Thinking and Don’t take my phone! (showard76.wordpress.com)
- New Name for BPD: Marsha Linehan calls it “Emotion Regulation Disorder” (authorjaenwirefly.wordpress.com)
- A BPD extreme cry for help – Rage, Anger, Splitting and Panic (or Getting into a pub brawl and a night in the police cells) (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Book Review – Girl in Need of a Tourniquet by Merri Lisa Johnson (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Dissecting My BPD and Suicidal Urges (gypsy116.wordpress.com)