I push the last bit of dinner around on my plate with the fork.
I can’t bear to eat another bite.
Just the smell of the tomato based sauce on the chicken is making my throat close up.
I want to heave.
I glance across at my partner, whose plate is empty. I take
both plates and stand up from the table.
“Chicken going straight through me again” I say, as I scrape
the remainder of my food into the bin.
My partner looks at me with concern, and I feel guilty for
how I feel about myself when someone loves me so much, it hurts to see that
“You really should see the doctor about that you know, it’s
not good to be rushing to the toilet after every meal.”
“It’s not every meal”
“But it is getting worse, please, I’m worried about you”
“I’ll be okay, I’m gonna go for a work out after I’ve been
to the toilet.”
“Okay hunny, I’ll wash up.”
I walk out of the kitchen, through the lounge and head
upstairs to the bathroom.
Once inside I shut and lock the door to the bathroom,
catching a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror that hangs on the back
of the door I cringe at the sight. I see a scrawny legged figure, with a pot
belly and flab everywhere. It’s disgusting, repulsive. How can my partner think
this is something appealing and attractive? I turn away from the mirror unable
to let that view poison my vision any longer.
Taking a length of toilet paper and lifting the seat of the
toilet I drop the paper into the bowl, to muffle the sound of the splashes.
I turn around and take my tooth brush from the caddy by the
sink, trying to avoid the small mirror hung directly over the sink. I turn back
to the toilet, bend down and purge.
My throat burns and the smell stings my watering eyes as the
food I have just eaten flows awkwardly back out of me. Taking another length of
toilet roll I wipe my mouth, and then take another strip to wipe my eyes before
throwing both into the bowl and flushing the chain.
Turning back to the sink I wash the end of my tooth brush,
return it to the holder and swill my mouth with water from the tap. A gargle of
mouthwash freshens up my breath and I unlock the door.
My partner is stood outside the door, tears streaming down
“I heard it all Dom” She weeps as she takes me into her arms
and I cannot hold back my own tears.