Recovering from BPD – Self-sabotage and heading for another crisis

BPD Objects (Photo credit: Vinally2010)

I was doing well, my recovery from BPD was progressing, so I told myself, but recently I noticed that something wasn’t quite ‘right’ and as usual identifying what exactly was wrong was hard.

I think I may have been lying to myself for a while, I think I may have been masking again. Falling apart inside, outside appearing to be doing well. I think I am self-sabotaging…

I have been slowly picking at trying to work out exactly why I am slipping off the recovery tracks and what has caused this, then yesterday I was replying to an email I had received from someone about BPD and as I wrote my own situation started spilling out and I had a realisation about what is going wrong and why…

This is what I wrote in that email (details of the other person not included)…

The Angel and Devil on my shoulder – A BPD defence mechanism for relationships – Part 1

Combining the Angel and Devil to become a whole person

When you live with BPD everything is black and white, there are no shades of grey.

Good or evil, nothing in between.

Everyone jokes about having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other and them being stuck in the middle, with BPD the difference is there is no you in the middle, you are the angel and the devil at constant war with yourself to control you thoughts, feelings and emotions… it is a defence mechanism doomed to failure…

How does this impact on forming romantic relationships?

Let me take you on a journey through my world…

Today we’ll examine the Devil’s perspective, I’ll reveal the angel in another post…

Poem – Finger on the Trigger

Breaking Rules (Photo credit: mr.smashy)

Another poem, why so many nowadays I don’t know but as they come there’s no point keeping them to myself  may as well share! Hope you like…

Musical firsts…

Music Note Bokeh (Photo credit: all that improbable blue)

I know I haven’t been posting often but I thought it would be nice to have a bit of fun and share something that demonstrates my love of music…

For me at least music has always been the ‘friend’ you turn to when no-one else is around to share your joy, or pain, I’m sure many of you can relate to that sentiment?

Music can feed and inspire, offer comfort or relief, an opportunity to let go, express yourself, dance, sing and just connect or disconnect from the world as you choose. The right track at the right time can mean so much. Music was my first love, and it will be my last…

So, I came up with a little list of 20 musical ‘firsts’ to give you a taste of the musical influences that have spread through my life…

Hope you enjoy it and if you feel like it why not play along and do your own post with the list!?

Poem – Changing

She hold’s her head high and laughs

change (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

(her tears won’t fall any more)

She puts on a pretty dress and dances
(her legs won’t walk any more)

She raise her voice and sings
(her words won’t speak any more)

She gives her body and loves
(her heart won’t feel any more)

She parties hard and fast
(her life won’t live any more)

But then when she expects it least…

Her tears flow
(She has found release)

Her legs stride
(She has found strength)

Her words flow freely
(She has found courage)

Her heart beats
(She has found happiness)

Her life moves on
(She has found freedom)

Change is a choice, not an option, and only you can do it…

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