That Bipolar feeling…

A depressed Tom on the railroad tracks awaitin...

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Some times I think I must have a Bipolar life… I know that I don’t actually have bipolar disorder but the highs and lows in my life are so tremendous at times, I can very quickly go from being on cloud nine, feeling wonderful to feeling the world is against me as another piece of crap hits the fan so to speak and I wonder what is going wrong. When I am in the mediocre stages I sit back and think I’m sure that most people’s lives are pretty much the same… although to be fair the bad things most people have to deal with really do not compare with some of the horrendous stuff that I have been through. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have undisputedly had way more than my fair share of crap to deal with!! and still it keeps on coming. And, as is probably common with most people’s situations, it always seems to be just as you think you are getting back on your feet that the next load of hardship is thrown at you. Furthermore it then also seems to be immediately followed by yet more stress and upset, hence people sayings ‘It all comes at once’ ‘one step forwards, two steps back’ and so forth.

While anyone will tell you, and I believe it myself, that when these things happen the best thing to do is not let it get you down, pick yourself up – brush yourself off and plough on. In reality the strength it takes to do that can be very hard to find, at times you even wonder if you even want to bother!!!

Don’t get me wrong I have a lot to be thankful for but when the hard times hit you tend to lose sight of the good things. At these times well meaning people will tell you to ‘be positive’ and ‘focus on the good things’ then get frustrated at you when you struggle to do this!! 😦 yet the majority of them will fall into the same trap themselves when things are going badly for them! or if they don’t have that problem then they really haven’t had an experience (or multiple experiences!) that have brought them that low and if that is the case they don’t have a cat in hells chance of understanding what it is like to have reached the bottom and feel there is no way to climb back up.

At the moment I am experiencing a low point and trying hard not to let it knock me off balance too much. I think talking about it helps – but I can’t really talk about the actual situation on here, or even with some of the people I would normally look to for support at times like this, which obviously makes it harder still! Yet I think just by writing this blog I have got a bit off my chest, who knows maybe someone will read it who feels the same way and therefore feels reassured to know they are not alone!!

When it seems the world is against you, don’t feel worse because everyone is telling you to ‘keep your chin up’ ‘think positive’ or whatever. Just remember we are all allowed and entitled to feel some self pity at times – God knows we’ve earnt the right to feel hard done by!!, the only important thing is that we don’t allow it to consume us and once we’ve taken a bit of selfish time to wallow THEN we pick ourselves up brush ourselves up, stick our middle finger to the world and move on…

Enjoy life… we only have one!! πŸ™‚


4 comments on “That Bipolar feeling…

    • Hi Shauna, Thanks I actually wrote this back in early 2010 before my diagnosis with BPD (just updated it with some inks today) but reading it again all sounds so familiar still! πŸ™‚

  1. What have you been reading my mind??? I know exactly what you mean. I am not bipolar but my mother was and it is the toughest thing. It was super sad as it was an era where this was not talked about, swept under the rug, Lithum and shock treatments. It was not uncommon for her to stay in bed for four months and than come home one day and she was making brownies and wanting to brush my hair. She had no middle floor always on the top or the bottom. So growing up with that I too have incurred some of those traits but I am very aware to not stay down for more than a day. I think for me it is almost like when things are too good I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and it always does…law of attraction I guess. I do believe we all are entitled to feeling down or sorry for ourselves but it has to be limited or it takes forever to climb out which only breeds more shame which is exhausting. I have dealt with my shit by drinking…a quick ignore button with very little satisfaction. I am better with it than a year ago and more aware of it now than ever and I am getting tired of it so I am as always on a road to change. I think your really great to put all this out there…I am sure it is helping you and someone else. I hope your life is better than when your wrote this in 2010…All the best!

    • Thank you, unfortunately early 2011 turned out to be my worst year for a while – things have improved as the year has gone on, but still a long way to go. I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) in 2010 and write about that a lot now – writing about these things (even back in when I wrote this post) helps a lot, and I think others find it helpful too πŸ™‚
      I hope 2012 will be a better year for me, you and all the others like us πŸ™‚

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