Poem – My BPD Existence

I do not live
I just exist
What a view
A distorted twist
The outside world
All they can see
Pretty, happy, smiley me
Tidy house, clean and clothed
Always busy, always posed
No fresh cuts
To raise their tuts

But inside nothing matters
Torn apart she shatters
Hurt in ways even she can’t see
Would anyone else want to be me?

Unable to swallow
Smoke and drink to stave the hunger
Empty, numb
Disgusting self-pity
I don’t deserve your sympathy
Lie to myself that I am fine
Automatic pilot all the time
As long as nothing shows
Even with the hang of my clothes

Body shrinking
Mind unthinking
Write all day
But do not speak

But never alone
Wearing BPD like a crown
Hate it, hate me
We’re one and the same can’t you see?
My life, my love
All one day end
Confide your feelings in a friend
No point – no feelings
Nothing to share
Who would understand

I take you by the hand
I look you in the eye
I can’t even cry
My love for you, my family, my friends
This is all that is real
But still the numb pain never ends
I have no words
I have no feelings
Unreal, not here
To go to work
I now just fear

No sense
No meaning, no reason
No rhyme
Clock is ticking all the time

Smoke and smoke and smoke some more
Is anybody keeping score?
Just all of time
Drifting by
Still alive, still by your side
With love alone my remaining strength
Unfair to all who reach out to me
Love me, want me, feel me, need me, part of me
But still I am not here
Will I ever be?
That’s what I fear…

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15 comments on “Poem – My BPD Existence

    • Thank you, just had a look at your site – interesting reading, especially the ‘introverted’ and ‘quiet’ sub-categories of Borderlines! 🙂

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  3. excellent poem-mike

    dedicated to my daughter and all bpd sufferers-from the outside looking in.

    so many days a gorgeous smile
    even if it exists for a little while
    in my life you certainly do exist
    and yes you are full of a tiny twist
    its true your cuts are slightly mending
    but in your mind its always sending
    my darling yes i would be you
    no suffering left for you to do
    give me the thoughts the fear and the woe
    so a beautifull lady you will doubtless grow
    nineteen years old and ho so very very sad
    but i know the fact that you are not bad
    in the world of BPD its true hurt seems so real
    but my darling i will always love you

  4. the last two lines should read

    in the world of BPD the hurt i know it feels so true
    but my darling daughter i will always love you

    just writing with my feelings from the heart
    sorry about that-mike

  5. I Am The Shadow

    I am the shadow,
    I exist in a world of light,
    Blending into the darkness of night.

    My face you cannot see,
    My expressions, sometimes misleading.

    If you hear a whisper in the wind,
    It may be me.

    I am the shadow,
    I exist in a world of sounds, good and bad.
    Of laughter,

    You think that I feel nothing,
    No love,
    No hate,
    No anger,
    No fear,
    No pain.
    But you are wrong.

    You think that I do not cry,
    But I weep silently.
    You cannot see the tears that slide down my cheeks,
    But they are there.

    I am the shadow, you cannot touch,
    Always within sight but never within reach.

    I am the shadow, afraid to trust the light for it distorts me.
    Please forgive me if I trick you,
    I cannot control it.

    I long to live in the light,
    To be held and loved,
    But I am only a silent shadow,
    Watching but unable to take part in it all,
    What others do, I can only dream of.

    So I lurk in corners,
    Always waiting for the night to come,
    Always dying but never dead.

    I am the shadow, I have no friends,
    Even in a crowd, I’m all alone.
    Existing in somber shades of gray,
    A lonely shadow,
    I’m doomed to stay.

    – By Joyce Savage


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