Still struggling with BPD and life


The social self.

The Social Self - Image via Wikipedia

By the time your read this I will be on my way to Skegness. We’re off to Butlins for the first of our two summer holidays. BUT, don’t worry I’m not leaving you in the lurch, I still have a full week of blog posts lined up for you!  Including a guest post by Ellie, a post about BPD and Boundaries and another interview. It’s just that if you leave any comments I may not be able to respond until I return, but don’t let that stop you! 😉

So, before I go off and try to relax, unwind and have some fun with the family I just thought I would give you a quick update on me…

Work

I have now been back at work for 6 weeks. For the first two weeks I did 3.5 hours a day over three days, then I increased this to 5 hours so I was doing the full afternoon, as I had felt pretty useless leaving at 3.30pm in the middle of afternoon appointment slots. I have to be honest and say I am not enjoying being back, I get far too bored, the work is basic and doesn’t utilise my abilities much, also I don’t really feel I am that useful to the team.  I had to have a Monday off last week as I strained my shoulder (which has previously had a torn muscle and is weak because of it) during an altercation with my son and needed to take Tramadol to ease the pain, I spent the day in bed, drowsy from the pills, angry and upset about the problem with my son (it was related to him not getting up for work, he has his first ever job and I was worried about him losing it due to his lack of effort).  Being at work has been making me get up, get dressed and leave the house, things I wouldn’t otherwise be doing until the evening for going to the pub to play pool. Now I have 3 weeks off, so when I go back in September I will continue with 3 days of 5 hours each.  At the moment I still don’t feel ready for any more than that and I’m not sure I ever will be, I guess I just need to continue taking each week as it comes and see how I get on, but currently don’t want to increase this at all.

Therapy

I finally started therapy (you can read about my first session here).  At the moment I have an hour session once a week and I am paying for this privately as I have STILL not heard anything from the NHS. I’m not sure it is helpful, but maybe its just early days yet?  I have had four sessions, the first was more of an assessment, the second discussed my family life, third my current relationship and the fourth boundaries (hence the boundaries post for later this week). The reason I question the value of therapy is that I can talk to anyone about these things, what difference does it make ‘who’ I talk to? Am I getting answers by talking about it in therapy over talking about it with a mate? At the moment it just seems to leave me with more questions. I go in not knowing what to say, yes we end up discussing ‘something’ but is it just me choosing what to talk about and therefore still burying things that probably need to be addressed? For example me not telling her about the self-harm that I have been indulging in following the altercation with my son… As you can tell I’m not really sure what to make of this, but I won’t ‘give up’ on it this early on! Now like work I have 3 weeks off, maybe I will feel glad to have a session after the break?

The rest

Well, as you can tell by my blogs I have been writing loads and I’ve written guest posts for other sites, I’m also looking at working on two ebooks which I will focus on more after my holidays.  I have obtained my medical records to help me with writing my life story about my struggles with mental illness and I’m reading loads of BPD books. My writing is probably the best form of therapy at the moment as it is allowing me the space to get my thoughts and feelings ‘out’ rather than burying them, but rather than talking writing allows me more time to process my thoughts and make them coherent.

I am playing pool regularly as part of the pool team at my local pub (I’m not very good anyway and my nerves make me play worse when its a match compared to when its practice :/), and I’ve been going to the quiz night there each week as well. This week I hosted the quiz as the regular quiz master (Dan) was on holiday. I think people may be a bit ‘scared’ of me compared to Dan as everyone was much quieter than we normally are and we got through the rounds much quicker, lol.  However, as much as I enjoy this I think I may be spending too much time in the pub, well my partner says I am definitely spending too much time there and as he tags along most of the time he is also spending too much time there. The time isn’t a problem for me as I have enough time in the days to get all the other things done that I need to, but he isn’t getting things done he needs to do as he is at work all day and in the pub with me all evening, and I don’t have to get up so early in the mornings as he does, so he is tired because of all the late nights and early mornings…

In addition to coping with my own manic life I have been worrying about friends who are having problems of their own. I can’t and won’t share their business online but suffice to say that living with BPD may be hard but even people without mental health problems often have many hurdles to overcome in life and relationship’s seem to take the brunt of the strain most of the time. I like to be there as a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend and a post to vent at for my friends, but the worst feeling is that of frustration when there is nothing you can do to help them.  I just hope they manage to get through their difficulties in one piece, one thing is for sure with all the traumas with have all endured we are clearly a strong group of individuals, so I am sure they will be okay in the end. I just want to let them know again that I am thinking of them and I am there for them if they need me 🙂

Well, I think that about sums it up for now.  Enjoy the summer (what we get of it) and I will be back soon with more of my exploits 😉

Thank you for reading!  If you have enjoyed reading this post please share it with others who may be interested and I always enjoy receiving feedback and comments 🙂

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