Sometimes it seems like the whole world is out to get you, especially with the BPD instabilities and paranoid thoughts – but not forgetting the outright horrendous behaviour of people that reinforces such beliefs at times!
At times like these you can’t see how there can be the ‘silver lining’ that those overly optimistic people whose lives never have a problem try to convince you exists…
At times like these you can not see what possible ‘reason’ other than to hurt you that the adage ‘everything happens for a reason’ could possible mean…
Then while you are down in that hollow pit of self-pity, self-loathing and ‘I must be the problem’ cycle of thoughts suddenly out of the blue amazingly something happens to make you question your very core beliefs and paranoias…
This is what has happened to me in the past few days!
As those of you who read my post earlier this week about my current crisis will know I have been going through a rough time again lately, just as I thought I was reaching the end of the grief another problem kicked off as a result of me being ‘helpful’ – sometimes people who ask for help don’t actually want help and will use the fact that you have helped in the way they asked to make you out as an interfering, controlling and generally not a nice person – when all you did was be nice! Still, I’m not going to go into that as I’ve ‘closed the door on it’ sometimes it’s best just to walk away and leave people to their own delusions! it’s just not worth the effort…
Anyway while all that was happening I got very low again, and self harmed. It was the proverbial icing on the cake of a difficult time when friends are what you turn to only to find that some people were never truly friends at all! thank goodness for the precious few that are always there to back you up and pick you up when ‘fakers’ knock you down.
I was really needing my therapy appointment at this time and was devastated when my therapist called to say we needed to rearrange because she was ill! 😦
I went to my occupational health appointment, it wasn’t very helpful and I came home thinking how difficult it would be to decide my work life future…
When I got home the post had arrived… an envelope marked private and confidential stood out… I opened it and as I read the contents I burst into tears.
It’s was a letter inviting me to an interview, for a job I had applied for that I thought was the perfect job for me – Service-user network co-ordinator for personality disorders… what was amazing was that I had told them in my application that I have BPD, and to be honest while I felt this was an advantage to the role I still felt at the same time that it would count against me – these employers would know how much BPD can affect my life, I had given them the perfect reason NOT to call me for interview, whilst it was also the perfect reason TO invite me to interview!! Luckily they must have seen it in the positive way – I got the interview!?
This was one of those rare times where I could see the ‘silver lining’ and the ‘reason’ for everything happening – despite how hurt I had been at the ‘friend’ hassles and that this meant I would no longer frequent the pub or be part of the pool team; not doing these things felt like I would be cutting myself off from the outside world, but this interview (and especially if I actually get the job) mean that I need a new direction any way. The role would involve working with support groups, this would mean some evening and weekend work. I couldn’t be committed to attending a ‘team’ game on certain evenings if I might be working those evenings. So, getting out now, before I felt obliged to attend was a good thing. If I get the job I would have struggled with balancing my commitment to the role and not wanting to let the team down – now I don’t have to worry about that, as I’m not involved in the team anyway. This time things really did happen for a reason… to allow me to focus on the important things, a decent job that really utilises my skills appropriately!
Now, I just have to get through that interview and convince them I am the right person for the job! Wish me luck!
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