I had reached a point where I stopped posting at weekends, to give my readers a break (as my posts are usually very long and people don’t have time to keep up with everything) and also to give myself time to write my posts and work on other things, such as my life story, studies and life in general. But now I’m doing a 30 day challenge, not posting at weekends seems like cheating, but I was going to stick with my not posting rule, having already got 2 full weeks of posts scheduled. But sometimes you just need to let stuff out and scheduling it for later in the month just doesn’t feel right. Hence, today’s post. It starts with random sentences, things that came to my mind last night, then goes on to explain what these things mean to me…
I’ve been here before, too many times to count.
yesterday I signed the papers that officially end my employment.
another door closes
I lock the door on it and throw away the key.
Combined with other recent events another version of me is gone
time to reinvent myself again
who will I be this time
where will I go, what will I do
unstable sense of self and identity
never knowing who I am
looking back at versions I don’t recognise
who was that person?
where is she now?
I realised that this is a pattern in my life, one that is integral to my Borderline Personality (BPD) diagnosis. I adapt my personality to ‘fit in’ to a given situation or role, I am what people in that context expect me to be, but this is not a thing I do by choice it just comes natural to me and the reason for this is that it is the ‘unstable sense of self and identity’ one of the key diagnostic criteria for BPD. And once for whatever reason I am no longer in that situation, the person, version of me, who was there dies, vanishes and it is like she never existed at all. Even more so if there has been any kind of trauma associated with the reasons for ‘moving’ on as then all connections with that place and time are also cut dead. Sometimes I grieve for the passing if it had been a good time, other times I look back and just think ‘huh, so what’ .
But the worst part about it is it seems I am doomed to repeat these cycles, as I have since as far back as I can remember from early childhood I can picture ‘me’ social, with ‘friends’, picture me after that phase ends ‘me’ loner, reclusive, again as a teenager, again in early adulthood, again, again, again… Only a few close long-term friends, all others gone with the wind – those few close ones are the important ones, but the others left their marks in many ways – memories good and bad, trust and betrayal, closeness and distance. And each of them would describe me (if you were to ask) in different ways, those that see me as the quiet, shy, studious girl would not recognise the girl who others knew – confident , loud, life and soul of the party – precious few have seen/know that both are one and the same. this is the manifestation of unstable sense of self and identity – I do not know who I am, how can anyone else?
I adapt to the given situation like a chameleon changing colour to suit its background. This is not an art, nor a deception, this is a very real version of me. It draws people in, attracts them (in more ways than one!) people love me, want to know me – but to also fosters massive amounts of jealousy, people hate how friendly, popular, attractive, clever and interesting I am (I’m not being big-headed here, another thing those that dislike me assume – I am recounting what others say about me – cause I just don’t see what they see). All those wondrous things that make people want to know me also make people want to hurt and destroy me – and some have gone to extreme lengths to do just that at times. Others fear me (why? again I do not know) and will keep their distance. I can connect with ease to people from all walks of life, from young to old, rich to poor, clever to uneducated… the list goes on.
So, the chameleon like ways of having an unstable sense of self and identity have their benefits because I can ‘fit in’ anywhere, but like I say at the same time I don’t fit in anywhere… I have just locked away two other versions of me, at work I was quiet, kept my head down and just did what was needed (other than being off with BPD), the other persona was a loud, fun party girl version of me – known by everyone the ‘centre of attention’ in the pub. So who am I at this moment in time?
As I sit here writing, studying, reading, it seems this reclusive persona is the current leading contender, but staying in all the time wears me down too. I was juggling all three recently, now there is just this one. I know that there needs to be a balance to fulfil all my needs but where do I start. It feels like I am having to constantly re-invent myself, time will tell where I go from here. I wonder how much of these different elements of my personality come out in my writings – can you see a different version of me in the different things I write?
- Everything happens for a reason! (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Real life experience of a BPD crisis – and the application of the DSM IV criteria (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Abandonment and the Borderline Personality (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Borderline Personality Disorder May Run Cocurrent With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder In Some Cases (paradoxparables.wordpress.com)
- What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Realising the limits of your own capability – BPD wins again (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Psychotherapy – My first therapy session (showard76.wordpress.com)
- 10 Myths about Borderline Personality Disorder Dispelled (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Boundaries and Borderline Personality Disorder (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Constant career changes – the BPD unstable sense of self and identity (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Reinvention (walkinginsunshine1.wordpress.com)
- The 30 Day Challenge (somereallyrandomblog.wordpress.com)
- List O’ Fears (nakedonastrangeplanet.wordpress.com)