ROW80 2012 – Read something else, there’s nothing here of interest

Seriously, it has been a really bad few days and I have achieved nothing beyond commenting on a few blog posts…

Still here?

You really want to know how the last few days have gone since Sunday’s check-in (which was written Saturday as Sunday was another right-off)

Okay then…

You can see the full break down of my goals here

Saturday Evening –

After I had written and scheduled my Sunday check-in I headed out with my best friend for a quiet evening at the pub.

I ended up totally wrecked, as my earlier feelings (did I mention these in the last check-in?) of being a misfit and not feeling like I ‘belong’ or fit in anywhere had got me in a rotten mood with myself (critical parent kicked my ass, while my abandoned lonely child just need someone to show they cared, loved, thought me ‘worthy’), so yeah, I was binge drinking to wipe it out.

The old BPD unstable sense of self and identity had kicked in big time, for once at least I was aware what it was when it was happening (progress?) but still couldn’t shake it.

I tried to mingle with the crowd but as usual felt I was only on the periphery, not a full member of the group. I was loud, and rowdy and ‘fun’ and silly and made everyone laugh with my tale of the political party meeting I had been to the night before and how I was going to be the ‘Next Margaret Thatcher‘ – ohh such a funny, friendly, loveable character my ‘free’ child was running wild, attention seeking.

Any way I drank far too much and eventually went home.

At home I was sick, head-butted the bathroom floor deliberately, repeatedly and struggled to get onto the bed, but once there I passed out instantly and for a long time…

Sunday –

I spent the whole day in bed, I had completely missed morning being after midday when I woke up with a mega hangover. I kept thinking I had imagined the night before and realised I was dissociating from it, something to bring up in therapy.

At some point I managed to do a quick check online and sort out a few emails, comments and publicising my check-in but that was about all I did manage other than sleeping off the hangover.

Monday –

Therapy first thing, so once showered and sorted I went off to that and had a pretty typical session discussed the busy week just gone and how that had triggered the unstable sense of self, and how I was dissociating from the drunken night out, and all the usual crap I blurt out or hold back.

When we were done I firmly dissociated again, locked the door on the session and threw away the key. I didn’t want to think about it any more, I wanted to move on and get back to ‘normal’, busy hard-working me. After all how am I ever going to be a success at anything if I don’t keep slogging away doing things.

Ah, but of course all I do is study and write a silly little blog – it’s not like I have a proper job or do anything of any real practical use to anyone – shut-up, shut-up, shut-up I had a job and this goddamn BPD shit made me have to leave! It’s not my fault I can’t work, I want a job but who will employ the mental case!?

I then drove to my mom’s as she had asked me to help her out with a few things. Most of the rest of the day was taken up with this and some general chit-chat, I can’t talk to my mom about me and my BPD, so I was glad to have shut off after therapy.

When I got home I sorted out emails and a few online bits.

I did some food and being shattered still from how busy I was last week and the written off weekend I just slobbed until the OH whisked me off to our first class for our Foundation Amateur Radio Licence course – which just left me feeling dumb as I have no idea about amateur radio usage.

I went straight to bed when we got back.

Tuesday –

I got up at a reasonable time, decided my priority for the day was shopping and housework and set about getting this sorted. Trying to block out and remain dissociated from the other stuff, but already feeling I was on the downward spiral to losing that battle.

Having completed my chores I checked my emails and there was one asking for my help with BPD, now bearing in mind I am clearly already not ‘right in the head’ with a BPD flair-up this came as a huge trigger.

I had been doing well at covering up the fact I was feeling so crap but now it was obvious – I was crying.

I sent a simple reply to the message saying it would take me a little while to come back with a more adequate response, but just wanting to let this person know I would be responding properly. I want to help, I need to help. Helping others makes me feel like I have some worth, even if helping often backfires on me too…

I sat and tried to come up with some stuff to say and ended up just feeling like telling the person to do what I currently feel anyone close to me should do “run, run for the hills, get away from me before I destroy you. I get under your skin, in your head, make you love me, then tear you to pieces with my unstable emotions and self-destructive ways that drag everyone else along with me” but obviously this is not an appropriate response to someone looking for help understanding a loved-ones BPD!!

I read a ‘family guidelines’ pdf for BPD a friend had shared with me hoping to forward this to the inquirer as help. But, while I can see what they are trying to say in this guide, at the same time I knew that for me people behaving the ways described within would end up making me feel they were being patronizing and treating me like a child, how can I promote something as helpful for dealing with someone with BPD when as someone with BPD myself I think those guidelines would piss me off to the hilt if someone tried using them to deal with me!?

Not good, and of course this just wound me up more too.

I feel like a failure, useless, good for nothing, waste of space – god how many times do I keep coming back to this feeling!?

I don’t feel I deserve to be happy, to achieve anything worth while. That any ambition, dream, desire I have is just a delusion of grandeur – ohh sure maybe not to the point of the craziest of us rocking away in a mental institute proclaiming they are Jesus, but heck look what my ambitions have been to date and look what I have achieved (shall I list them? maybe another time, or have I already covered this before somewhere? probably)

I put in place some distraction techniques to allow my BPD phase to boil itself out of me without doing anything drastic in the form of self-harm seeing as the following thoughts were running through my mind at this point:

I want to run, run, run, far and fast and never stop  – but my legs cant handle that and I’m not sure what would happen or where I would go if I left the house, so safer to stay put.

I want to cut, to hurt, to feel, to punish, – but why, for what purpose, what will it solve? Nothing.

Distraction 1 – I watched an episode of House.

(OH suggested we go to the cinema this evening as further distraction, I said yes, that would be good.)

Distraction 2 – I went to cook, making sure it would be something elaborate enough that it would take some time and keep me busy.

Distraction 3 – While doing this I blasted Heart and Alisha’s Attic, singing along, and playing air drums in the quiet spells when I had to wait for different bits of the meal to cook or whatever.

After we had eaten, OH sat down with me to discuss how I was feeling and I tried to explain a bit and he tried to soothe a bit, but really I’m just too disconnected right now, I just have to ride it out.

OH went back to studying, and I picked up the book I am currently trying to read, see even this shows I’m not myself I can’t even read a book!

I read a chapter then decided to write my check-in for tomorrow (this post) and so here I am. Look’s like OH has changed his mind about the cinema or maybe he thinks I don’t need it after we had a chat? whatever, it’s getting a bit late to go now so scrap that idea!

You know what I really want to do now, wipe this whole post and not share it tomorrow as I think it is sickeningly, self-pitying and self-indulgent. But I’m not going to delete it as one of the points about my blog is to share the BPD experience – heck it’s why I’ve received this email I’m trying to reply to constructively; so I’m going to publish this post anyway!

I try to be as honest as I can on my blog, but I still have to tread carefully, some things are too personal and involve other people and it’s not my place to say things – confidentiality and all that.

So, at times I still feel like a fraud because as much as I reveal, there is still much more that I don’t, won’t and can’t…

So, that is where I am, 9pm Tuesday evening, I would go to bed now, but somehow I don’t think I will be able to sleep tonight!

Hope you are having a good week! 

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36 comments on “ROW80 2012 – Read something else, there’s nothing here of interest

  1. ho dear,very up and down time you had.
    bpd is looked at with a sense of yea-borderline cant be bad with that name—how wrong they are-borderline means it is comorbid generally and is on the boundary of two mental health illnesses and thus usually twice as difficult to treat.
    blogs from people such as your self are invaluable and help raise awareness and i think it is brilliant that even when you are not at your best you keep up your blog-excellent
    thank you

    • Thanks Mike, yeah I think it is important to keep it up even if I don’t want to write as some of the stuff that comes out then is probably actually more important especially when it’s BPD related! 🙂

    • Thank you, it was great to meet you too it was great to spend such a long time with you finding out about the project, I’m writing up my posts about it today to publish next week! 😀

    • Thanks Juliana, the first step is always identifying the problem, often once I know why I am down and what caused it I feel better equipped to pick myself up and get on – writing about it also helps, and as a result I am already feeling much better today than I was yesterday! 🙂

  2. I know that feeling. I have bipolar disorder and I NEVER feel I belong when in social situations. They generally make me ill. I’ve done therapy, but it was never any good for me. And I totally believe in it – I’m trained in psychology and counselling myself. NHS therapist don’t tend to be very good, or are they just over-worked?

    I belittle myself all the time. I can’t work either – I know just getting through an interview would be a miracle. And who would hire someone with my mental health history – it’s not a selling point. And if I got a job, there would be issues with my peers. There always have been. I’m too sensitive for this world and the people in it, I realise. But its where I am and I have to make the best of it. Having my hubs at my side makes all the difference. I only feel ‘myself’ with him.

    I know this crappy phase will pass, because lets face it, they always do eventually. In the meantime, try not to hurt yourself or others and don’t worry too much if you don’t get much down. Feel good about what you do do. Give a ‘normal’ person this feeling we carry and see how productive they are! We are if nothing else, consummate professionals at feeling shit! : P

    I should add, and I know you know this annoying fact, try to stay away from stimulants (alcohol/caffeine) while feeling like this – it only prolongs the agony.

    Hugs. Shah. X

    • Thanks Shah,

      I am feeling better this morning, writing about it and analysing it helps, it’s not ‘gone’ but I understand where I am now which is important to me!
      I don’t get any help from the NHS, paying privately for psychotherapy (difficult with no income!) but think they are mainly just overworked, although not sure they would be much good with BPD anyway as professional consider us untreatable!
      I’m a glutton for punishment, I go to interviews and do really well, then panic that I may actually get the job! In the past (before BPD) if I got the interview I was pretty much certain to get the job, the last 2 interviews I went to I revealed my mental health problem (although it was relevant to the role, so should have been a benefit!) and think that revealing it was why I didn’t get the jobs!!
      I don’t even feel ‘myself’ with the OH, it’s just another of my many faces that he sees – he says I am very different when he see’s me being a social butterfly!
      haha, yeah I dread to think how ‘normal’ people would handle this, seeing what they are like when they get a cold or something is enough to make me think they would never cope with what I live with daily!!
      I have avoided harming myself (bonus! 😀 ) and kept clear of stimulants, although I did binge eat a bit yesterday 😦
      Here’s to a better week next week all round! 😀

  3. :/ Sounds like you had a rough few days… hang in there, girl! Kudos to you for sharing your not so great days… that takes real courage.
    And sometimes we need to take day a day to just watch House. 🙂

    • Thanks Darlene, I would’ve loved to spend the whole day watching House but it has been on season break so there was only one episode now that it has ‘just’ returned – I can’t watch repeats as I just remember what I had seen before and know what’s going to happen! lol At least it’s back on a weekly slot for now, so I have something to look forward to for a break! 😀

  4. Hang in there, love. I’m sure this BPD can and does get you down more times than you would like. I’m glad to see it’s not kicking your butt completely. Have you thought about writing a non-fiction book on dealing with BPD? It might help you and others deal with this dreaded and misunderstood mental disease.

    • Thanks Jenny. Yes, I am working on putting my experiences together as a book at the moment. many of the posts I have written here will be pulled in, amended and go towards filling the book along with additional material not written here. The email I received yesterday has prompted another idea for a post/content for the book that I’m working on today 🙂

  5. That was some serious reverse psychology going on there! Tell me not to read. Pfft. You know I’m going to! I can sympathize about not feeling like I belong or pushing others away if they get too close. From my vantage though, I don’t see why you feel like you deserve to be cut, hurt or be punished. I know you only let us see what you want us to see (I do that) but you seem a right good egg, BPD or not. For what it’s worth, I hope your week improves.

    • Thanks Ryan, I thought that even if the telling people not to read acted as reverse psychology when they saw how long the post was they might run away anyway! lol. The self-harm thing is one of the BPD traits that I struggle with – luckily other than binge eating briefly yesterday I avoided anything more damaging! phew! I think the week will improve as spilling my guts in the post really helped get a lot of it out of my head (where it causes all the trouble if I leave it there!) onwards and upwards for now at least! 😀

  6. Sorry to hear you’ve had a rough few days Sharon. They suck don’t they? Thank you though for being honest. Honesty is what I need and really appreciate. I’ve been having a rough few days too (had to have my darling cat put down) and the BPD always plays a part in how I respond to that, It’s just one foot in front of the other sometimes… and that’s ok. OK for you too.

    • Thanks Catherine, yeah sucks big time! Sorry to hear about your cat, yeah one step at a time, one day at a time, we’ll be okay in the long run (hopefully! lol) 🙂

  7. I am grateful you posted it. I am currently in the midst of a pretty darn bad episode of depression… and so much of what you wrote could have been written by me.

    I feel compelled to be honest, because I figure there are people out there suffering who haven’t had permission to be honest. People who for years have heard how it is wrong to be who we are and a mask pretending to be happy and perfect and quiet and pretty and wearing full make up and the right clothes are the most important things.

    (I didn’t expect to start ranting. Sometimes it just pours.)

    I hope this week serves you well ~ whether it is labeled “good” or “productive” by society’s standards or not.

    • Thanks Julie.

      There are so many times I think – meh, I can’t post that self-pity crap, but then I think about how I’m aiming to help give a voice to BPD and help others and so I decide to post anyway, and I’m always glad I did, because it does help – me and others!

      It is so very true that there are many who don’t have permission to be honest, either with themselves or others because of stigma and fitting in and all the rules and expectations society sets upon us to have a ‘stiff upper lip’ ‘grin and bare it’ and all that nonsense that causes people who have ‘simple’ lives to say to those of us who are suffering ‘chin-up’ or ‘there’s people worse off than you’ and all the other crap they come out with to ‘bully’ us into hiding our feelings and problems!

      Feel free to rant away here! This is a safe haven for getting things off your chest! lol

      I hope you have a better week too 😀

  8. Hey there!! I am so sorry that you have had a rough few days! It will get better! I suffer from genetic anxiety/depression and it really hinders me! No matter where I go, I feel like no one really likes me or that I just do NOT fit in. Plus, it is such a nightmare to try and write because I have absolutely no FOCUS! Oh well, I do it because I love it. Good luck with everything…cheers to you! 🙂

    • Hi, thanks for the comment 🙂 Yeah, lots of people (even without mental health issues) seem to have the ‘fitting in problem, maybe that’s why we are all online rather than out in the ‘real’ world! lol 😉 Good luck to you too!

  9. I agree that sometimes it is best not to write something on the internet, but I think you have done a very good job at “keeping it clean” here 🙂

    Also, don’t feel discouraged. Just because you have not completed your goals you HAVE written! You wrote up this blog post. So you are still keeping those writers gears greased! Keep up the good work!

  10. Head’s feeling better but the rest of my was…blah! Something about this week! I didn’t get what I wanted accomplished either. GRR… I think I’m rounding the corner though. Hope your week goes better too! Take care!

  11. Hey, after reading your blog post… I’m sort of unsure of what to write… a huge part of me as a person just wants to fling my arms around you and give you a massive hug… the other part wants me to try and help and understand, but I don’t even think my experiences and knowledge even touch on what you must go through day after day.

    All I can say, and its not much.. is it does get easier… and you are not a failiure no more than I’m Richard Branson or Branston :S. You keep doing what you are doing.

    I’m lucky in some regard I’ve not/never been diagnosed with BPD so I can’t fully comment. However, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Depression and GAD, and the one thing that kept me going was the fact that if tomorrow morning I wake up feeling like crap.. well that’s ok… and its fine to feel like crap.. I am entitled to feel like crap and I want that bitch of a world out there to know I feel like crap.

    So.. what I’m trying to say (in a round about, piss poor job) fashion is, take things one day at a time… and if that day you feel like crap.. then you feel like crap.. doesn’t mean your a failure…

    Just a couple of words… hope I have not offended you in anyway :)…

    Rob x

    • Thanks Rob 🙂

      I love what you’ve said, it put a smile on my face! lol Not offended in the slightest. Yeah, I just have to take one day at a time, one step at a time and just let the bad ones run until they pass 🙂 I have been feeling better since I let it all out in that post, so it was good to do it!

      Thanks again 🙂 x

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