Seriously, it has been a really bad few days and I have achieved nothing beyond commenting on a few blog posts…
You really want to know how the last few days have gone since Sunday’s check-in (which was written Saturday as Sunday was another right-off)
You can see the full break down of my goals here
Saturday Evening –
After I had written and scheduled my Sunday check-in I headed out with my best friend for a quiet evening at the pub.
I ended up totally wrecked, as my earlier feelings (did I mention these in the last check-in?) of being a misfit and not feeling like I ‘belong’ or fit in anywhere had got me in a rotten mood with myself (critical parent kicked my ass, while my abandoned lonely child just need someone to show they cared, loved, thought me ‘worthy’), so yeah, I was binge drinking to wipe it out.
The old BPD unstable sense of self and identity had kicked in big time, for once at least I was aware what it was when it was happening (progress?) but still couldn’t shake it.
I tried to mingle with the crowd but as usual felt I was only on the periphery, not a full member of the group. I was loud, and rowdy and ‘fun’ and silly and made everyone laugh with my tale of the political party meeting I had been to the night before and how I was going to be the ‘Next Margaret Thatcher‘ – ohh such a funny, friendly, loveable character my ‘free’ child was running wild, attention seeking.
Any way I drank far too much and eventually went home.
At home I was sick, head-butted the bathroom floor deliberately, repeatedly and struggled to get onto the bed, but once there I passed out instantly and for a long time…
I spent the whole day in bed, I had completely missed morning being after midday when I woke up with a mega hangover. I kept thinking I had imagined the night before and realised I was dissociating from it, something to bring up in therapy.
At some point I managed to do a quick check online and sort out a few emails, comments and publicising my check-in but that was about all I did manage other than sleeping off the hangover.
Therapy first thing, so once showered and sorted I went off to that and had a pretty typical session discussed the busy week just gone and how that had triggered the unstable sense of self, and how I was dissociating from the drunken night out, and all the usual crap I blurt out or hold back.
When we were done I firmly dissociated again, locked the door on the session and threw away the key. I didn’t want to think about it any more, I wanted to move on and get back to ‘normal’, busy hard-working me. After all how am I ever going to be a success at anything if I don’t keep slogging away doing things.
Ah, but of course all I do is study and write a silly little blog – it’s not like I have a proper job or do anything of any real practical use to anyone – shut-up, shut-up, shut-up I had a job and this goddamn BPD shit made me have to leave! It’s not my fault I can’t work, I want a job but who will employ the mental case!?
I then drove to my mom’s as she had asked me to help her out with a few things. Most of the rest of the day was taken up with this and some general chit-chat, I can’t talk to my mom about me and my BPD, so I was glad to have shut off after therapy.
When I got home I sorted out emails and a few online bits.
I did some food and being shattered still from how busy I was last week and the written off weekend I just slobbed until the OH whisked me off to our first class for our Foundation Amateur Radio Licence course – which just left me feeling dumb as I have no idea about amateur radio usage.
I went straight to bed when we got back.
I got up at a reasonable time, decided my priority for the day was shopping and housework and set about getting this sorted. Trying to block out and remain dissociated from the other stuff, but already feeling I was on the downward spiral to losing that battle.
Having completed my chores I checked my emails and there was one asking for my help with BPD, now bearing in mind I am clearly already not ‘right in the head’ with a BPD flair-up this came as a huge trigger.
I had been doing well at covering up the fact I was feeling so crap but now it was obvious – I was crying.
I sent a simple reply to the message saying it would take me a little while to come back with a more adequate response, but just wanting to let this person know I would be responding properly. I want to help, I need to help. Helping others makes me feel like I have some worth, even if helping often backfires on me too…
I sat and tried to come up with some stuff to say and ended up just feeling like telling the person to do what I currently feel anyone close to me should do “run, run for the hills, get away from me before I destroy you. I get under your skin, in your head, make you love me, then tear you to pieces with my unstable emotions and self-destructive ways that drag everyone else along with me” but obviously this is not an appropriate response to someone looking for help understanding a loved-ones BPD!!
I read a ‘family guidelines’ pdf for BPD a friend had shared with me hoping to forward this to the inquirer as help. But, while I can see what they are trying to say in this guide, at the same time I knew that for me people behaving the ways described within would end up making me feel they were being patronizing and treating me like a child, how can I promote something as helpful for dealing with someone with BPD when as someone with BPD myself I think those guidelines would piss me off to the hilt if someone tried using them to deal with me!?
Not good, and of course this just wound me up more too.
I feel like a failure, useless, good for nothing, waste of space – god how many times do I keep coming back to this feeling!?
I don’t feel I deserve to be happy, to achieve anything worth while. That any ambition, dream, desire I have is just a delusion of grandeur – ohh sure maybe not to the point of the craziest of us rocking away in a mental institute proclaiming they are Jesus, but heck look what my ambitions have been to date and look what I have achieved (shall I list them? maybe another time, or have I already covered this before somewhere? probably)
I put in place some distraction techniques to allow my BPD phase to boil itself out of me without doing anything drastic in the form of self-harm seeing as the following thoughts were running through my mind at this point:
I want to run, run, run, far and fast and never stop – but my legs cant handle that and I’m not sure what would happen or where I would go if I left the house, so safer to stay put.
I want to cut, to hurt, to feel, to punish, – but why, for what purpose, what will it solve? Nothing.
Distraction 1 – I watched an episode of House.
(OH suggested we go to the cinema this evening as further distraction, I said yes, that would be good.)
Distraction 2 – I went to cook, making sure it would be something elaborate enough that it would take some time and keep me busy.
Distraction 3 – While doing this I blasted Heart and Alisha’s Attic, singing along, and playing air drums in the quiet spells when I had to wait for different bits of the meal to cook or whatever.
After we had eaten, OH sat down with me to discuss how I was feeling and I tried to explain a bit and he tried to soothe a bit, but really I’m just too disconnected right now, I just have to ride it out.
OH went back to studying, and I picked up the book I am currently trying to read, see even this shows I’m not myself I can’t even read a book!
I read a chapter then decided to write my check-in for tomorrow (this post) and so here I am. Look’s like OH has changed his mind about the cinema or maybe he thinks I don’t need it after we had a chat? whatever, it’s getting a bit late to go now so scrap that idea!
You know what I really want to do now, wipe this whole post and not share it tomorrow as I think it is sickeningly, self-pitying and self-indulgent. But I’m not going to delete it as one of the points about my blog is to share the BPD experience – heck it’s why I’ve received this email I’m trying to reply to constructively; so I’m going to publish this post anyway!
I try to be as honest as I can on my blog, but I still have to tread carefully, some things are too personal and involve other people and it’s not my place to say things – confidentiality and all that.
So, at times I still feel like a fraud because as much as I reveal, there is still much more that I don’t, won’t and can’t…
So, that is where I am, 9pm Tuesday evening, I would go to bed now, but somehow I don’t think I will be able to sleep tonight!
Hope you are having a good week!
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