ROW80 Check in – Explaining the one I missed, or a BPD crisis in progress and what happens if you smoke marijuana by mistake


Hey folks, bet some of you were wondering what happened to me on Wednesday seeing as I didn’t check-in. Especially as I am normally so conscientious about ensuring I do, even if I have nothing to report. Well here I am to explain the missing update…

*Warning this is a very, very long, very personal post. Please bear with me, if you want to know me at all or understand BPD in anyway – you MUST read all of this, skimming will just confuse you!*

So for starters my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) crisis period was growing in intensity. Anyway, since last Sunday’s check-in I was again struggling to focus and ‘do’ anything – even writing was eluding me; and that really is bad because normally at the very least I am still able to do that.

Monday

I went to my therapy session on the morning and it was tough. We were talking about my relationship and I was trying to explain a decision I have come to, but because both my therapist and I know that I am currently in crisis and experiencing ‘splitting’ (read about splitting here) behaviour in regard to my partner this seemed to her that I was not in a place to make rational decisions.

However, the reason I have ended up in this ‘place’ is BECAUSE I have been tormenting myself over this situation for some time. It is like there are two different parts of me at war with each other. One part loves my fiance and want’s to be with him forever, but the other part considers him to be a huge trigger for BPD behaviours and doesn’t like him at all. Imagine trying to reconcile that!?

So, after therapy I came home and he tried to talk to me about my session and I was vague about it. I tried to do things to take my mind off it but became more and more agitated with myself, fidgety, stressed. I had two bottles of WKD and realised this was bad, drinking at 2pm on a Monday can only be bad.

I needed to run.

At first I tried to fight it as with my physical ailments I had to give up exercise over a year ago, my legs just couldn’t take it any more. Going for a run was not a good idea physically.

But, I just couldn’t settle. I pulled on my gym wear and set up my iPod and ran.

I ran (as best I could) for a good half an hour and contacted my best mate as I ran, to tell her I was in a state.

I met up with her and we went to the pub to unwind. Despite the mood I was in somehow I managed to make it through the afternoon, evening and into the night at the pub without getting totally wasted – I was proud of myself.

I didn’t get much sleep though as I was then up most of the night talking with the other half about what I was thinking, feeling and the very difficult decision I had made…

Tuesday

Another day I was unable to do anything, I sat and cried.

I wanted to die…

I just didn’t want to be me anymore. I felt that I was trapped with no means of escape – from myself.

I got in the car, ended up at the pub again. Another afternoon in the pub.

This time was different, I wasn’t my usual cheery, bubbly self that everyone sees there, I was a mess.

I snuck in and curled up in the corner crying.

The landlady came over straight away and held me until I was able to speak. I told her about the night before, the decision I had made and the trouble I was having with my decision due to the warring internal selves. She made me a cup of tea and other regulars came over to comfort me and just ‘be’ there.

It helped.

I calmed down, went to take my kids to their dental appointment and collect my best friend who had now finished work.

Back home I cooked toad in the hole, the first meal I had prepared in many days. After eating it we went back to the pub.

I was much more my usual (that the people at the pub see at least) self.

Somehow I allowed myself to get roped into rehearsals – a group of the staff and regulars are putting together a musical production.

I spent the evening running back and forth from the bar playing pool with my best mate and the rehearsals, where I had to sing.

I love singing, I’m good at singing, what I’m not good at is singing in front of people – despite appearances I have zero confidence.

At one point I went outside to have a cigarette and delayed getting one out as I was waiting for a mate to join me who was rolling her own. While waiting I was chatting with a regular and his Scottish pal who I had never seen before. The regular was standing there rolling a cigarette for himself and his mate. He handed one to his mate just as my friend came round the corner to join me. The Scottish guy then offered me the roll-up I presume having noticed I was standing there without a smoke. I accepted it not thinking anything of it a proceeded to smoke it. While the four of us were stood there smoking my friend said “I can smell something that doesn’t smell like normal fags” I said that I couldn’t smell anything because I couldn’t, and the guys said the same. I thought no more of it.  And ended up staying there a while after finishing the rollup having another fag (my own) and chatting with the guys, my friend had gone back inside by this point.

When I finally went back inside I went back to rehearsals, then back to the bar. Then gradually began to feel strange, like I had been drinking – only i wasn’t drinking. I was only drinking Pepsi because I had bought my car and was driving home – I won’t even touch a single alcoholic drink if I am driving.

The night became more and more blurred and confusing for me, I was paranoid, and loosing time. I tried talking to the guys about it and the laughed it off that I was drinking and I explained about the pepsi and car – still they didn’t get it. I asked them straight if there was anything in the rollup I had smoked and they wouldn’t confirm.

Eventually I told the friend that had been outside that I thought I had smoked a spliff by mistake and she kept an eye on me because I was really struggling.

At some point I managed to gain confirmation from the guys that it had been a spliff, but with that confirmation came a declaration ‘You smoked it Sharon, you smoked it’ (as if this somehow absolves them of all responsibility)but, I explained, I didn’t know it was a spliff – or I wouldn’t have smoked it!

Later I eventually told my best mate that I was feeling funny and wouldn’t be driving us home. I didn’t mention the spliff because I was worried about her reaction, especially as it had originated from this guy who she really hates, but I really like – she would kick his head in!

In my mind I spent most of the night hanging off this guys every word, pouring all over him like a lovesick puppy. At the end of the night I was in the taxi room with him and he was telling me to go home when the friend who knew about the spliff came in. She made sure I got home, taking me in the taxi with her.

Back home the other half was waiting up for me and the state I was in worried him so he was texting my best mate asking her what had happened – only she didn’t really know anything other than what I had told her because I had been in and out like a yoyo between the bar where she was and rehearsal’s in the back room.

I couldn’t sleep for hours and hours, eventually fitfully napping and waking. Having a row with the other half. Getting the munchies and eating several chocolate bars and packets of crisps, yet I couldn’t taste anything.

Wednesday

I spent most of the day recovering, sleeping, eating and more sleeping and eating. I had to put my therapy session back to Thursday morning as I couldn’t make it and I missed my interview on the afternoon because I was asleep.

I never wanted to leave the house again I wanted to curl up and die.

I thought I had made a complete fool of myself the night before.

Messages poured in over facebook – all telling me I had been fine; it really was paranoia. No-one had noticed me acting strange at all in any way, especially not being all over this guy the way I thought I was. They admitted they thought I had had a few drinks, but as that was ‘normal’ for me they didn’t think anything of it and were surprised to realise I had only drank pepsi all night.

I decided I needed to go back to the pub to find out more about what they did recall and tell the what really happened as I recalled it.

Not surprisingly they were not happy with this guy, for smoking spliffs on the pub grounds, and for giving me one without me knowing what it was.

Another guy who regularly uses marijuana for recreation explained how it could be the I didn’t smell or taste the drug in the rollup as a lot of people had been saying ‘but you must have known, you would smell it or taste it’ and I really hadn’t noticed anything – according to this guy yes it was possible that the specific subtype was one that I didn’t notice the smell of, but clearly my friend had a keener sense of smell than me as she had said she smelt something.

Then the other half turned up at the pub. I lost it, I thought he had turned up to cause trouble and given our situation at home and that everyone in the pub knew our situation him being there made me feel like shit.

I stormed out and went for a drive (again I wasn’t drinking); then I came back, handed my car keys to the landlady and started downing sambucas.

I got pissed to the eyeballs, I only ever seem to do this when I am completely distraught and given how bad things had been lately on the whole I had been proud of myself for NOT getting in this state all the time!

On the whole, really, genuinely I am not much of a drinker. I prefer to enjoy my night without reaching the point where I struggle to stand up. This was not one of those nights…

At the end of the night my best mate and the other half had to manhandle me into his car while I was being sick and throwing a hissy-fit.  When they got me home I continued to be a huge mess.

Eventually I ended up n bed somehow and got the minimal amount of sleep.

Thursday

I squeezed into some clothes and the other half drove me to my therapy session where all I talked about was the events of Tuesday night and last night. I left feeling I didn’t want to go back again. It all seems so pointless.

Another day spent lay in bed doing nothing.

On the evening I cooked dinner then sat down and explained to my kids what was happening.

Basically in order for me to get better (if that is even possible) I need some space, I need to find out who ‘I’ am, I need to be comfortable in my own skin, with myself before I can ever hope to be comfortable with anyone else. As a result, I am leaving my fiance. I just need to find a place for me and the kids to move into. I had already started looking.

I stayed in and had an early night.

Friday

I got up and decided to try to start getting back on track, having a ‘plan of action’ of sorts now in place – or my ‘escape plan’ as the other half (I need to stop calling him that!) calls it, I need to try to get on with things.

I wrote a blog post and shard it, thanking all my followers. Unfortunately I wasn’t really able to do much more, my focus was still way out.

I arranged to view a house for the late afternoon, and together with the other half – who is supporting me through this as he realises this is about ‘me’ not about him (even though the BPD splitting would have everyone believe otherwise – painting him as the demon as it does) and my best mate we went to view the property.

It was perfect, well not perfect, but ideal for what I need, 3 bedrooms for me and the kids and enough space without being too much, a good location and a good rental price that I can manage, even while out of work at the moment.

We went straight back to the agency after the viewing to sort out the paperwork. Now it is just a waiting game to see if it all goes through okay. If it does I will move in before the end of February.

After sitting down to dinner with the kids I felt really uncomfortable just being in the house. So yet again I went to the pub, yet again in the car, yet again not drinking.

It ended up being my turn to keep an eye on my best mate as she got progressively more drunk. It was -7 outside when we were heading home and I was turning into ice myself as I struggled to get her to move and come to the car – which I needed to defrost and de-ice with already numb fingers.  Thankfully I had a helping hand from a couple of the bar staff who managed to walk her down to the car with me and finally got her in and home, then I could get home myself and try to get warm and get some sleep.

Saturday

I woke up feeling the most stable I have felt for at least a week.

I am still struggling with my decision to leave, but I know that it is for the best. The route I was (am) going down would only lead to worse and worse things with my behaviour as the BPD has been gaining more and more control over me and my actions. To stay would risk hurting my partner in the most horrible ways, better to go now while we can do it amicably than to make him hate me. He loves me and understands I am so ill I am in a place where being close to me is not good for anyone.

I don’t want to hurt him, and although leaving is hurting him it is far less hurt than would come if I stay. He said, what I am doing is actually very noble. I said, no you just deserve better.

I am ill, BPD cannot be cured. It may be managed with time and treatment. But right now I have neither of these things. I don’t want anyone to get too close to me because I don’t want to hurt people, but I can’t trust myself not to do things that you shouldn’t do when you are in a relationship. I don’t feel deserving of love, because while there is that very kind, loving part of me there is also (especially at the moment) another part of me that is not so nice.

… Nice Sharon has left the building not that you would know it as ‘she’ the other one (well one of them) has had a firm hold on the mask making it appear like everything is fine – but that mask if finally slipping. There is a battle going on that can only lead to some not very nice experiences. This bad one doesn’t want me to let it out, learn from it, share it. She is on the defence, selfish and egotistical wanting to ensure that she protects herself (us) from the things which might occur if the truth be known about how evil she really is…

But amazingly somehow good Sharon has found some strength to break out and refuse to let this happen – the result is still bad for all involved – I’m leaving, I’m hurting my partner; but I hold solace in the fact that the way I see it by doing this now I am saving us all from suffering far worse in days, weeks or months down the line if ‘Bad Sharon’ continues to control what happens. Just because Good Sharon was able to do this does not mean she can maintain control – bad Sharon is only ever a heartbeat away.

So I will continue my weekend trying to write and be as peaceful as I can. I am NOT going to the pub again this weekend (bad sharon can screw all she likes!)

I am staying home and writing, and gonna watch a movie this evening and get some good nights sleep. Then on Monday I am off for a Spa Day with my best mate which I think will do us both the world of good!

Let’s see how long I can hold it together for this time…

Linky

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38 comments on “ROW80 Check in – Explaining the one I missed, or a BPD crisis in progress and what happens if you smoke marijuana by mistake

  1. Yikes! I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a rocky time and I hope you manage to find some inner calm to get yourself back on track with all in your life. Thank you for sharing all the information you have as it certainly helps me understand a lot more.

  2. Hey, WOW!! What a week!! Lots and lots of progress, some good, some bad. As always, I don’t presume to know much about BPD. However, when were going through quite stressful, depressive and certainly upseting times, we always hurt the ones we love… we don’t mean too, its just a fact of life.

    Relating to my own experiences, I thought I was better on my own, I wanted to leave my finacee. Yet,I didn’t and instead this year we’ll be celebrating 4 years together. If it wasn’t for her I don’t think I would of got through my mental health problems.

    I kicked, punched, screamed and shouted at her, she saw me at my happiest, and she saw me with complete fear followed closely by complete depression and wanting to die.

    However, when we’re going through difficult times, we often think along the lines of I’d be better off with you, they can do so much better etc etc. When deep down, all this does is reinforce the notion that we are no good and so that hurdles us further and further down into the pit of the black lagoon.

    Certainly, attending and speaking to your therapist about it all is always a positive thing, I’m having to go back to see my therapist due to something quite trivial and small, Social Phobia, Social Anxiety (aka can’t talk won’t talk).

    When you come home from your sessions, and I know you really don’t want to talk about anything, or even explain it to your other 1/2, after all how can they help, how can they possibly understand etc etc.

    Perhaps, being more in depth with your other 1/2 about it all may help. Going over it all from your therapy session, certainly for me, helped as it was sort of in parrot form having your partner ask how did it go, what did you discuss etc etc – fair enough there are some parts to this day that she’ll never know nor does she need to.

    Sorry for the long comment 😀

    Keep up all your hard work you are doing well.

    Rob xx

    • Thanks Rob, yeah lots of progress in some peculiar ways! My fiance plans to still be ‘there’ for me without any pressure, who knows how things will pan out later on, but he recognises that right now I need to take time to find out who I am, love myself and recover as best I can before I can be anything else to/with or for anyone else. This way is better as we can still be friends rather than hanging on and ending up hating each other. No problem on the long comment, hearing other peoples thoughts helps 🙂 xx

  3. Oh my gosh, Sharon. First off, the guys who let you smoke pot without telling you it was pot… eek! I’d have been furious.
    This glimpse into A Week in the Life of Sharon Howard is enlightening… I hope the coming week is better. And kudos to you for being so brave to pour your heart out to your readers.
    On making decisions when full of emotion: never a good idea for me.
    Hang in there! 😉

    • Thanks Darlene, yeah I was furious, but strangely I think others were even more furious on my behalf (probably because they know I am vulnerable and weak at the moment). I’ve had to come to terms with making decisions while full of emotion simply because BPD means I am always full of emotion and waiting for things to settle to be able to leave emotion aside means I would never decide anything :/ Here’s to a better week 🙂 x

  4. I know you don’t want to hurt people but if you let no-one get close to you then you’re cutting yourself off from love and human comfort and ultimately hurting yourself. I don’t want to sound like a patronising cow but however hard it is you need to open up and let people love you!

    • Thanks Janet, I understand that but I just feel that before I can let anyone else love me I need to love me. I have some good support that can fill most of the gaps until I reach the point where I am ready and able to let someone in again 🙂 x

  5. Sharon thank you so much for sharing. I myself am in a relationship with someone that has paranoid schizophrenia, and then put my BPD on top of that it is very hard. Even though he has known about his since he was a teen, I just found out about mine about a year ago, and am also a recovering addict/alcoholic and am not only trying to understand me but him too. He probably understands me at times better then I do and then at other times he has that flat emotion and I hate that when as you well know we are so full of emotion and when he does not react to something in the appropriate way when I am talking about this or when I dont hear from him for few days at a time ( we live 200+ miles from each other right now) it is very hard for me to rememeber that it is me not him, and that it is sometimes his illness not me. We plan on moving in together this summer and We have lived together before and did great, but had to go our seperate ways because of drug/alcohol treatment in drifferent places. We are now back together after being apart for a year, but keeping in touch. Thank you for sharing what it is like for you in a relationship., I look forward to more of your story. You are brave. I dont know if I can live with out him.

    • Thank you for sharing Victoryia, we plan to keep in touch when I leave as he want’s to support me, who knows what will happen in the future! I guess it is brave, but it is also really scary! lol

  6. Hi Sharon, Am so glad you are ok physically but I know the emotional recovery will be much longer. Thanks for sharing all of this. It must have been hard but it certainly does me good because I know that at times this has been me, and at other times it has been very close to being me. I too struggle with the different people inside my head. One seeks to destroy while the other hangs on for dear life. I like this story: “An old Cherokee told his grandson, “My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy & truth.” The bot thought about it, and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old man quietly replied, “the one that you feed.” I think BPD makes that a harder battle than usual. I made a similar decision as yours when I left my husband about 13 years ago. What I struggled with perhaps the most is that people leapt to the conclusion that he was a bad husband. He wasn’t. But I needed to be alone, hard as that was. I needed to work on me and I couldn’t do that from within.

    • Hi Catherine, thank you for this, I love that Cherokee tale! Glad to hear I’m not the only one who has gone through this, don’t feel you have to answer but what you said about doing this 13 years ago left me with the following questions. Did you stay in touch with your husband? Where is he now? How are you now – any better, in a relationship? have you had any help to recover? or has 13 years not actually made any difference to your situation? do you still keep people at arms length? to protect them/you from hurting? xx

  7. So sorry to hear your world is turning upside down. Keep holding on, you are so strong and you can do this. It sounds like you need a proper rest and time out, I can imagine that’s impossible with children.
    You’re amazing, don’t let bad Sharon tell you any different, be kind to yourself and it sounds as if you’ve made a very difficult and brave decision regarding other half. I finished it with the love of my life three years ago because I wanted to protect him from my awfulness. (i had never heard of BPD at the time) I know he’d have stuck by me through thick and thin, but at the time I was lashing out at him and couldn’t bear it or the feelings of guilt.
    I still wonder to this day if I made the right decision, he’s moved on now and I’ve had nothing but bad men ever since. Now I’m alone dealing with my illness, I decided that was the only way, but I too have ended up in crisis again.
    Where do we go from here? We just gotta hold on for those that care about us I guess. Sending lots of hugs and well wishes superstar xx
    P.s if you couldn’t smell or taste the dope it night have been hash or Thai, those strains don’t smell as strongly as skunk. Bastards for spiking you, grrr xx

    • Thanks Chrissy, sorry to hear that as yet your brave decision hasn’t led you to a better place. I guess it takes time to come to love ourselves enough to let other good people back into our lives!? Thank you for sharing. I hope one day we are both able to find the peace within ourselves that we need and the ability to let love in again. xx

  8. Aw thank you – spot on, I figured out if I couldn’t love myself how could I love another? Thanks for the insight that time may bring us together again, if it’s meant to be it will be I guess?!
    I really hope you’re feeling better this week – and I share your hope that we will both be able to find peace within ourselves to allow ourselves to be loved xxx

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  13. It frankly,…scares the hell out of me,knowing how much this man loves you and seeing how devoted he is to you and yet you only briefly give a hint “as i do right now” skit of any love you might hold for him without saying how you can say it’s for the best for all? as Ive stated in previous replies i have been in a relatiionship with an absolute in my eyes Angel for over 3 years,she has done this very thing to me,it’s so very hurtful and destroying,,just try if you can to tell ur (other half) which by the way is in of it self demeaning,tell him that you do love him,and make sure he knows that you want these things to end ,not only for yourself and your children, but for the love you hold for him as well.
    Being a non as it were it breaks us so deeply to have to stand there and know all we can do is support you,we know the words come hard for you,but by gods will try to explain his importance in your life and remember us spouses,us men that are with you DO need to hear that we matter to you once in a while,please try.I dont wish to upset you or cause you grief,I am really just trying to get my baby cub as well as all of you woman fighting this horrible disfunction to see,that there are men out there that care so so much and even though I had to ex press how much what you said hit home and in all honesty has me crying my eys out as I type this as my anger and venting my own anguish surfaces,damn it we do love you e..v..e…r…y.. single one of us partners men or woman have not gave up! now you listen ,you dont give up either I know BPS makes you feel things stronger than we do but not right now,the love that holds us is strong and given we have are way,stronger than any evil side.
    So you hang in there you be strong in your conviction and take that sword of love from ur other and beat that evil side down,if he could he would,he can only hand you the love and support in a form of a sword to beat her with.
    Understand ur man and try to place him in ur heart so he knows he is there.
    This might not even be an issue for your other half and being a man of 44 and working my soul to death to love her I suspect that even if this powerful figure of a man in your life does not show it,he hurts to hear those simple words at least simple for us,”I love you” and you do matter.
    Thank you and I in now way meant to hurt anyone here,Im just in one of those “she ran from me again” moments,I’m sorry.
    Cameron
    Cameron

    • At this point in my relationship I was scared, confused and still very unwell with the BPD. At this point I was switching constantly between deep devoted love and idolisation of him to hating him, he was the devil destroying my life. Looking back now I can not be certain how ‘true’ either of us were in our ‘love’ for the other, he moved on so quickly into another relationship (that he is still in now) after I ‘devastated him’ by calling off our engagement and moving out, while I have not been able to get close to anyone since, but I am ‘better’ I think that speaks volumes…? I am still not ready for a relationship because my ficus is overcoming all the damage done to my own mind having been in a situation where I was controlled and manipulated (things I did not see at the time but what were ultimately a huge part of how I continued to be so ill while I was with him because it messed with my mind someone who ‘loved’ me so much treating me that way but I couldn’t even see or explain what he was doing at the time because it was making me more and more unwell with the BPD) I only started to get better when I left, and it was amazing how quickly I improved without him around! I’m not saying that all relationships with BPD’s are toxic and that it is the other person’s (non-BP) fault but for me it was a huge factor… Reading back over my own posts now, even I can see how peculiar it may seem that I jumped from love to hate, but at the same time it all makes perfect sense, being the BPD splitting problem and the factors underlying it, a clear demonstration of how BPD affects ones behaviour…

      • Again,Showard,I have again demonstrated us NONs as being every bit as fragile as you are,my words that day were buried in pain and confusion,I can’t apolagize for my statement cause I felt every one and I know you don’t want people to start making light of their feelings,
        In saying that I feel that there is something you need to hear,and that is that you say many times how there is no way he could have felt for you how he said because of his involvement with another so quikly after ur breakup,this is what rans through my mind as a non after our talk(AE and I).
        I did not realize at the time but I felt a need to grab on to anyone I could find and make her see that I could be everything she wants,I suspect this might be what ur guy might have done,and if he did,he may never get out of it,he will believe this is the real thing cause of course she will take every bit of that she could get,He is giving her what he might have needed to give you,and never could,This is not excusing him for his actions,it is my attempt to show you that his grabbing on to anyone indeed might very well be proof of just how much he cared for you.
        I know that sounds really crazy,but if you were a man and were underlying scared and felt like you failed a woman that meant so much sometimes us guys will look for a (mother) if you will and never let go.
        Don’t always go negative from others action girl.I suspect you meant more to him than anyone ever did,having been faced with his situation myself,I get a strong feeling thats whats up with your ex,and I also know I could have not said this in this way and been more diplomatic about it but why? youve been straight with me,and I feel you would want to know what us out here are really thinking so I offer it.
        Thanks for being our sounding board and for understanding even when we get mad.
        Cameron

      • If his relationship with this new woman had been short-lived then I could understand and accept that it was a ‘rebound’ thing, a need to grasp on to someone else but I can’t see how it can be that being so long-lasting? although I guess I can see a little how like you say he may have gotten into it and can’t get out, but I doubt it… Guess I’ll never know as we have no contact now and I don’t want to have contact with him, he did me a lot of damage (and I know I wasn’t good, an angel, myself I’m not excusing that, just saying what he did) and while I can forgive him I can’t see how hurting me, physically, emotionally and sexually shows love? But thank you for trying to help me see another point of view 🙂 Sharon

  14. I also want to make clear that when I said beat her down I was talking about her as she put it “evil side” and in no way condone violence in any way,I also want to say “baby cub” or Angel Eyes is the woman who suffers as well and the one I struggle to hear her say she sees my love for her,
    I’m simply having my own running episode right now and I’m sorry if my words seemed harsh,I just was trying to show we to hurt,as u go through this as do we,our adoration for you is our strength ,our hope in pease and acseptance of love is our dream.
    We fight along side you,cherish us,forgive us but don’t oh please don’t dismiss us.
    Cameron

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