What happens when a person with BPD ends a relationship

Relationships can be difficult at the best of times. Every relationship has its own trials and tribulations, ups and downs. Life is tough, relationships are tough. But if you are in a relationship with a Borderline things can be much tougher than they are in any other relationship.

The decision to end a relationship can be a long drawn out decision about what is right or wrong for whom. Or it can be swift, bought on by some event that causes things to pass a repairable state. Such is life, we’ve all been there, BPD or not.

The biggest difference between these situations and the end of a relationship with someone with BPD is the huge amount of chaos, trauma and confusion that go go with it.

If the non-BP breaks up with the BP the likelihood is the decision will be more straight forward, in terms of how relationships come to and end as described above, but what is going on when the BP ends the relationship – well that is what I am hoping to explain in this post.

This is my personal story of ending a relationship from the perspective of the BPD sufferer…

I hope this goes some way to showing how the way a person with BPD un-attaches from people who get too close to them, as this is something I am currently going through myself. I plan to follow it up with a more in-depth look at attachment and detachment in BPD.

I think the best way to help other’s be more aware is by sharing your story and this is what I am doing here. The more those of us with experience of BPD, either as sufferers or people close to sufferers, share our stories the greater understanding will become of this terrible condition that causes so much damage in people’s lives.

People with BPD want, need and crave closeness, love and attachment just as much as anyone else does, but unfortunately our self destructive tendencies and ingrained fear of abandonment can cause us to push away the very people who are willing to give us those things out of our own fear of them eventually leaving/abandoning us and/or a desire to not cause them any further harm due to our impulsive, reckless behaviour.

BPD tears me into pieces, I love honestly and deeply, yet at the same time my worries and fears can cause me to hate the very same person that I love so very much. Constantly yoyo-ing between loving and hating a person is exhausting, draining and makes me feel unworthy of love, because I know I just end up hurting people and I don’t want to do that but cannot stop myself.

One day hopefully I will gain control over this and be able to allow someone to get close to me again. For now though I have bought up the barriers – everyone will be kept at arms length from my heart and mind because I just do not want to hurt any more people who love me, ever again.

I am going to be moving out, splitting up with my partner because he deserves better than anything I can ever give him.

Staying with a BPD partner who is unmedicated and not receiving treatment is something I personally would advise against, I know this sounds like the horrible BS crap that usually makes even me cringe when I read it on other websites about BPD, but this is the reality I am living with right now.

Yes, we can be very loving and giving, wonderful, kind people, but we hurt those who get closest to us. I am determined that I will not enter another relationship with anyone or let anyone get too close to me in future, unless one day I am in better control with the help of medication and treatment, but I don’t know if or when that time will come.

In the meantime my ability to manipulate and cheat, and painting my partner as the ‘bad’ one due to ‘splitting’ are just slowly killing him.

Part of me loves him deeply and wants us to be okay, but part of me doesn’t want him, finds him controlling and while those two parts are at war I am doing the ‘wrong’ things and getting more and more ill myself as the burdens of guilt, fear, anger, and hurt build to volcanic proportions.

I don’t want him to end up hating me any more than he should already, so breaking his heart now (and yes I am running away too) is better than the car crash that is inevitable if I stay.


330 comments on “What happens when a person with BPD ends a relationship

  1. Hon, that’s gut wrenchingly honest and a good go at showing how our desperate need for closeness makes it so difficult to achieve intimacy, it’s just too important and the impact on our inner world is immense. For me it’s one of the most horrible aspects of BPD and I guess it’s something that other sufferers would ‘get’ but it’s tough to explain to non-BPDers – how we can be in a maelstrom and how it’s so hard to be objective, that opposites will appear true in seconds, regardless of the actions of the other person. Really sorry you’re going through this though, wouldn’t wish it on anyone. *Waves from behind my self protective wall*

    • Thanks hunny, it is a tough time but I know that in the long run this is what is best for both of us right now. Maybe one day things will be different, until then I have to focus on me first and foremost – and that’s not just being selfish, it’s more about protecting others! xx

    • Ive been in a relationship with BPD for three years she has ran several times however i will not move in with her and i dont exspect her to move to me,she wants me to try to better myself, the more i do the more she sees me proving I am here for her, and i will do what she suggests, and she knows I love her,she also starts the same distance crawling, and before you know it she is gone.
      I wish she could one day see, that if the key to starting the engine of recovery and of her own healing was, you have got to trust in the love of someone sometime somehow in this life,i wish it could be me,I try so hard,and I wont give up but I do get tired.Can we simply exist in a moment long enough for her to see, together we have got to learn from the past god forbid we repeat it.

      • Trust is something those with BPD initially give far too easily and end up getting hurt, then as a result withdraw trust from everyone, even those who have not betrayed them 😦 It is hard for us then to trust anyone again and we do repeat the same patterns time and again :/

      • Ive read that these relationships can work and given any real spot that she is with me it’s remarkable to see her smile,I’m just wondering,and yes I to do need to hear “yes I know you love me and I cherish it”but is it possable for her to ever trust in the love that I hold for her? the fact that I have never ,not one time not been there for her and that it should happen that only now do I find your site almost makes me kick my own butt! course I simply did not know,showard76. I have just not known so much that I’m ashamed and at the same time still wanting I guess ,…Absolution,absolution of my love for her,it’s not given lightly and I am a very powerful insiteful man that thinks the two most powerful words that exsist are “love” and “Hate” I don’t hate anyone and I could never,I have been told she hated me so many times and then how she loves me so many times that I’m looking for anything that will break the tie I guess,I dont stay for pity or she needs me or any of that rubbish I stay cause I love her and up till my realization of score I thought she loved me.
        Will I never through patiants or caring as being there,listening,loving ever be able to see that yes if not now but at some point,know she really did feel the love that I have for her,or is this always going to be that I have to accept the fact that I am only fully going to have to love myself for loving her and be happy with that?
        As you can see I’m really fighting what my place is here,I know about losing ones self and how much hurt and havic it can do to someone that simply loves a BPD,please dont tell me that she my never really know or be able to say what I mean or meant to her.
        If it is just doom and gloom…..you know what just lie to me if you have to,I’m 44 in love with an Angel I would die for ,reaching out and I’m hoping that someone can tell me she even really cares.please.
        Cameron E.

      • Sorry, but this is not what you are going to want to hear, but it is the truth…It is difficult to say if she will ever fully trust the love you feel for her as it depends how deep her past hurts and fear of trusting go 😦 I think you may have to accept that she may never be able to demonstrate the levels of love and trust you are hoping for, she may get there one day but she may not… If you can’t be happy with that you may need to reconsider how much you can put up with due to your love for her, as they say ‘sometimes love alone is not enough’ Sharon x

      • Believe me Cameron, I am in your shoes right now in many ways. It is conflicting that my BPD partner continues to push away the one person that would have walked by his side for eternity. I do know that he has been let down by others (as mentioned above) and terribly hurt, yet he has continued to keep some of these people in his life, but pushes me away. Interesting, but I suppose his friends wouldn’t hurt him as much as I could… still seems kind of like a slap in my face, though, as I’ve been so loyal and some of these friends that he still sticks with have been terrible to him.:-/ And, of course, you would think he’d know by now that I couldn’t hurt a fly. You would think, as I’ve always been there for him, just like it seems you have been for your partner. I commend “busy gal”, though, because she is able to really communicate what is going on with her and her partner knows the why’s of what she is doing. If I knew my partner was just trying to protect me from himself, that would seem noble in my opinion, but in my case, I have to put pieces of the puzzle together myself… sometimes assuming such awful things.:(

        Maybe she doesn’t want to repeat the same mistakes with you, but doesn’t have the proper tools to shift her reality thinking for that to happen? I’m not certain in your case, but thank you so much for sharing. I, too, wish that my partner with BPD could simply trust in our love as I have never betrayed him… as, I, myself have been betrayed by others and I know how that feels. I had been through a lot when I met him and it was hard for me to open up, trust and love him… but I did… and I have continued to trust in our love in so many ways. No matter what *he* decides, though, it is on him, does not speak for me and I will always have a place in my heart for him if he never comes back, or things are beyond repair.

        BTW: “Busy Gal”… are you on your own right now? Did you go back to your partner that you speak of above? I am curious.

        I’m sorry… as I don’t see your name on here!:-p Please forgive me.

        Good luck, Cameron.

      • I hope Cameron see’s your post Devara 🙂

        Yes, I am single now I never went back to him and he was in a new relationship less than a month after I finished with him and is still with that girl now – considering I ‘destroyed’ his life by ending it, he got over it pretty quickly I think!? I am not ready for another relationship yet, I am too busy continuing to build on the recover which happened very quickly after leaving him – which I think speaks volumes about how much the relationship was part of my problem!? I’m Sharon by the way 🙂 xx

      • Dear Sharon,

        This is in response to your comment below…. I am really sorry that you had to go through that. It’s good to know that you are doing better now.:)

      • Having been with someone with BPD for nearly two years now, I can say that the fact that he got into another relationship a month after you broke up is not surprising. I don’t think it can be measured by how much he cared for you.
        The fact is that the psychological damage done to a non-BP is pretty extensive. The devaluation that occurs during the hate phase is intense. Constant accusations and criticisms are levied on the partner by the BP. If the non-BP is a goodhearted person, then they will themselves start to believe the things the BP says. They will try to fix them, and failing that, they will begin to feel worthless. This is compounded by the fact that the BP so idealized and adored the non-BP in the beginning, causing the him to want that feeling back again, as well as adding credibility to the notion that there is something truly wrong with him or that he did something horrible against the BP.
        In point of fact, the BP projects their symptoms onto the non-BP, causing him to feel hopeless, worthless, and desperate. Once that cycle is complete, they find themselves in the same position as the BP — craving love and attachment to fill the emptiness that they now feel inside. It is very difficult to drag oneself out of that hole, especially since BPs often create an isolation around their partner via their abandonment fears. It is typical to find affection elsewhere in order to fill the void left by the BP (just like BPs do when they cheat on their partners due to their perceived sleights).
        Don’t downplay his emotions based on his getting with someone else. If anything that is an even bigger indicator of just how ‘destroyed’ he was inside.

      • Thanks for sharing Michael, if it weren’t for the fact that he was almost certainly a narcissist (not just my view, his non-BP ex before me also consider him this way and in fact tried to warn me off him because he was like that, and she did not know about my BPD) then I could agree in part that he was ‘damaged’ by my behaviour, but given his behaviour and narcissism I think we damaged each other, it was definitely toxic. I was the one that became isolated as a result of our relationship, taken away from my friends and family to live somewhere else while he maintained all his other relationships, including cheating on me with his ex… But we cannot change the past, it happened, it’s over and the reality is neither of us was without fault… just time to move on now 🙂

      • Macc
        How can you continue with this? My BPD partner ended it – not sure he knows he has BPD, but kept calling until I decided – I can not live this way. I would have been there for him, but he’s also online dating. I’ve lost trust and respect and am afraid of STDs. I’ve keep going over and over it, but cant’ find a rational reason to continue.

      • I think you are doing the right thing for you and at the end of the day that is very important, you need to be happy and feel trust and respect without those no relationship can survive…

    • I know people say it’s crazy for wanting too, but is there anyway to get back a borderline? 2 months ago my bpd ex ended our relationship, after a death in her family, I’m sure this was a trigger, but instead of allowing me to be there and support her, she just abruptly ended and asked me not to contact her anymore, I was devastated for sure, just a couple days prior, she was telling me how she loved me. Is there anything I can do, will she ever come back around?

      • Difficult one… some BPD’S will come back, others not, yet more will be in and out of your life regularly. You could try making contact but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t respond or reacts badly to the contact, which is more likely than a positive response. If you decide to make contact I would suggest just trying to be ‘friendly’ may be the best approach, a simple ‘How’s things?’ nothing emotional. Good luck 🙂

      • You will never be you that’s the problem get a grip. Sorry everything you do will be a failure. This is a mistake I did 8 years. Ha that’s a disability in that psychologists will not reveal your problem of her’s until you are better when that happens Grant it is so this Lady revealing this. Believe it break or you will end up with a record of assault so watch what you say to these pariah. RUN FORREST RUN

  2. thank you for sharing this. I am bipolar and was involved with someone who has displayed all the indicators that he has BPD. the two are often confused and I know that it is common for them to coexist. I love this man with all my heart, everyday, and I accept him because he accepts me, on good days. On bad days I am …well it doesn;t matter. He is gone but can;t let me go. I can;t let him go either. The splitting is ….ah well it doesn;t even matter, you are so brave to talk about something that so many people hear the words and say RUN AWAY – same with Bipolar. But my point is that this post – I needed it and thank you.
    🙂 Peace

    • There’s an old saying that I love:


      Here’s another one that I really like:


      May we all remember these things…

  3. I am in a place now where things are tough so I’m very avoident of any affection from my husband but then I always know it will come back when I’m a little better. It’s so hard when the allowance of affection from others is always so minimal. My husband finds it hard that I never want to cuddle or kiss and the next minute I can’t leave him alone and it leaves him feeling confused and often unloved. It’s not what is intended but it’s what happens and there are so many times where I just think if I pick and choose when I’m nice to him then I’m just an awful user for the times that I want things. I know the mindset you’re in and leaving may sound easy for someone who doesn’t want abandonment but it is ever so hard because of the bouts of love and hate. You think it’s their fault so you hate them and want to leave and then you realise it may be your fault and then feel sorry and want them back and it can go on forever and then the easiest way is to cut ties forever, however the addiction of wanting the caring of that person is always a struggle. Keep strong, I’d say do what your head tells you but then if you did that you’d be running back and forth, do what your mind tells you when you feel you are most stable and do what you feel may be right for your kids too. Sometimes when you aren’t sure what’s best for us, seeing whats best for others we love can help. Good luck sweetheart xxx

    • Hi Simone, thank you, sorry to hear you are in a bad place at the moment too. Yes, I’m trying to do what feels right for everyone rather than what my emotions are bouncing around 🙂 xx

  4. ((hugs)) Sharon! It’s always hard in any relationship no matter the issues at hand when it comes time for one or the other or both have decided to end it. Healing yourself first and foremost is the MOST important thing … especially being a MOM (which is as far as I’m concerned your top priority — being healthy for your kids is what i mean) And it sounds like you are making the best decision for all of you right now. My heart goes out to you, Sharon! Sending lots of loving healing energies your way!!! ❤

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  6. Reading this suffering from BPD myself, gives me hope that Im not alone, thanks for sharing your story,

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  13. I am in a horrible place now with a man i love dearly. i have bpd and i believe he shows signs as well. we are in constant struggle and rarely on the same page. our relationship ends on a regular basis and now, despite the love we have for each other (probably too sick) we are just being mean. i fight hard but then stop suddenly and apologize realizing too that it could be all my fault or at least a skewed perception of reality. suddenly vulnerable and exposed i am left defenseless to his attacks. and this just keeps happening. at some point he changes his tune and tone and begins talking to me again as if it can all be worked out. he says things to indicate that we are both adults and should be mature… yeah, i’d like that – maybe in another life time that’ll be possible! any way, i should have ended it a long time ago for a variety of reasons. i’ve just about lost everything and am completely exhausted. i hope i can get help soon so as not to land on the very bottom of the bottom. i appreciate your honesty and wish you well.

  14. I broke it off with a woman who I feel has bpd. I didnt know anything about this but everything written on these blogs happened to me. I feel sick inside because she would love me one day and turn on me the next. She slapped me, threatened to call the cops on me, disrespected me, and was negative about everyone in her life. She is obsessed with facebook and put all her good traits out there for total strangers but when we would talk she would just tell me how unhappy she is and how she is never happy for anyones happiness. She also just started throwing out every bad thing about her past at me. She never showed any remorse or hurt about it, she just would throw it out at me out of nowhere. I never understood why but I always stayed supportive. I guess I have a question….I finally lost it and told her that I couldnt take her abuse anymore and she said she was confused how I could say that. After everything she did she acts like it never happened and denied saying or doing any of it. Is that normal bpd behavior? Im crushed because she doesnt look at me as somebody who was supportive, she looks at me as a weak person. Truth is I stayed because she said she doesnt trust and I wanted to show her that I didnt judge and I was supportive. She even said that I wanted to fix her. i told her I couldnt fix her, all I could do is be a friend and listen. I tried reaching out to her but she wont contact me…she did this all the time. This time is different, she wont acknowledge me because I stood my ground and asked her to stop abusing me. Is this normal bpd behavior? I miss my friend, my lover, my partner in crime. Thanks

    • I think what you describe could well be ‘typical’ BPD behaviour for her, like everyone else all BPD’s are different, it is a combination of at least 5 of 9 different traits that make up the condition so while there are similarities in BPD behaviour there are also differences. You are right that you can’t fix her and unless she is willing to get help and help herself she won’t change, only she has the capacity to do that. Refusing to acknowledge contact is something I would consider quite typical of a BPD who feels they have been let down or betrayed. In time she may come around, but she may not, there are people I have broken off contact with whom I would never acknowledge again even now I am ‘better’ but others I would and will make contact with once the hurt I feel has reduced (and I am aware they may be feeling hurt too, and may also need time to get over this before we could be ‘friends’ again). I wouldn’t push it too much too soon, drop the occasional message of support (but don’t expect a reply) but not too often or she will consider you behaving like a stalker who won’t let go… Hope this helps?

  15. Thank u 4 this site. It has really given me a perspective on life with BPD from both sides. My own, once incredible true love is crashing down around me as i struggle in vain to cope with the amazing girl who made it possible. She is probably BPD but after so many other labels given over the years, she is understandably dubious about the accuracy of this one too. I try so hard to be supportive and loving but it comes at a hii price which i can no longer afford emotionally. Ive given my all for almost 3 years but i cannot compromise my life any further unless she makes the decision to take control of her own destiny. I love this girl. She has had an awful youth which haunts her. I just want her to realise that its not her fault, she is very much loved and that more than anything, she deserves to be free.

    • Sorry to hear about your girlfriend, I hope she manages to get the help she needs to take responsibility for getting herself better so she can lead a happy and fulfilling life. Best Wishes to you in coping with having to walk away, it’s hard but sometimes it is the only thing you can do for both of you to be able to grow xx

  16. My psychologist doesn’t know what is wrong with me. Not yet. She thinks I am majorly depressed but that’s about it. But last night, I had this hallucination where I could hear K saying all those things which she has been saying for a year, which I have heard but never listened to. I looked them up on the net, turns out she has complained of everything that people with BPD’s as partners complain about. Two months ago she broke up with me. I was shattered. But now I know why she couldn’t take it anymore. I love her, I really really do. She is the most pure soul I have ever known, truthful to herself at all times. While I, I keep deceiving her. Giving her suicide threats. Hurting myself so that she would see and feel bad for what she did. I am a horrible person, and I truly believe that the world would be better off without me. But I want to get help. I want to get better, so that some day, I can walk up to K and tell her that I can give her all the love that she needs, without any of the hurt. Because I owe it to her for all the happiness she has given to me and all the pain that she has endured. I will live for that day.

    • Hi A,

      Thanks for sharing, recognising the problem is the first step to getting better, I believe if you want to badly enough you can achieve it. take it step-by-step, one issue at a time and find out as much as you can about it, figure out how it affects you personally and then look for ways to improve on it. It’s along hard process and having some professional support will be a huge help but you can do it. I’m so much better now than I was, there are still areas I have to work on but I keep on trying and fighting 🙂 You can do it too 🙂 x

  17. hi.. i recently discovered that i have bpd as all symptoms and causes are alike with my present and past… i had never heard about this disorder before but while reading it i felt that someone is describing me.. i told my mother immediately but m afraid whether she believes me or not i dint find her serious.. she only said “okay, we’ll see what to do!!” i want her to know that its not imagination o m trying to relate things an making a story!! i’m a student and it’s my final year; my exams are up within a month or two.. i’m already not able to concentrate and also don’t have time for treatment!! i need your help..

    • Maybe you could try showing her these blog posts and others to help her understand? You need some help and treatment to get better, but I can understand your difficulty with your studies, could you maybe just continue reading about BPD when you have time for now so that you can improve your own understanding of your condition and then when you have the time to sort it out get the treatment you need when you have got your exams out the way? it’s just a couple of months, at least you know what is wrong now so it is one less thing to worry about compared to wondering what is wrong, can you try to push it aside to get your exams done? tackle one thing at a time, it makes life easier 🙂 Good luck! x

  18. I am just starting out on my journey with mental illness, I think I may have borderline traits and reading these stories makes me even more sure that I certainly have some aspects of borderline in my personality. Thanks so much for sharing, it helps so much to know that I am not alone with what is going on and that I can begin to get better and manage my symptoms and my life can improve

    Good luck 🙂

  19. I want to thank you so much for coming out with this because I thought I was the only one. not only am I BPD but alos PTSD!!!! Being two years we have split up about 6-7 times and married for a year we have split up 2 times and throwin the “divorce’ card so many times now it comes out natural. The last three months I have been getting violent, and even though he says its “ok” it isn’t..it was time to let him go. It has always been a “all or nothing” person, and I realize that unless I can get better, I didn’t want to not just go threw the unhealthy relationships, but I dont want no one to be with me. Its hard because I also have a issue with being alone. But I am in therapy and also on meds, and I know what day I will be mire in control of my situation.

    • I have been ‘alone’ now for a year since breaking things off with my fiance and yes I do get very lonely and hate being alone, but otherwise I am so much better and happier now, being in an unhealthy relationship was just making all my BPD symptoms so much worse. I too hope one day I will be happy and in control enough that I can have a healthy relationship again, for now I am just focussing on ‘me’ 🙂 best wishes x

  20. Hi, thanks for posting this, i recently had a gf who i am pretty sure was suffering from BPD, i am a really patient very loving person, but this was so difficult even with so much patience, she never told me she had BPD but i am 99% certain she did, and it is only now after a few months i am getting over and trying to understand what i just went through. She put all the blame onto me, was extremely needy and i supported her at every step, but the more supportive i became of her and her problems the more abusive she became towards me and more critical of me very randomly from nowhere on a daily basis, she then suddenly just cut off from me and wouldn’t even respond to any text i sent, strangely making me feel like i was the person who had done something wrong. this behavior has taken me a while to get my head around and i am just beginning to realize she wasn’t well. one question i had though for you is ..and this was something my gf would do alot which i couldn’t understand why, she would randomly when everything was fine would just not answer phone calls and go quiet for days, and lie about things that just needed require lying about? i would understand if she was cheating on me but she wasn’t, really strange i don’t know if you can relate to this? thanks

    • Hi Adrian, thanks for your comment sorry to hear about your relationship. I can indeed relate to your gf’s ‘silent treatment’ I can go into phases like this myself, I think it is part of the dissociation of BPD where we shut ourselves off to anyone close for no real reason I have found that at those times the best explanation I can give is that I needed to be alone and contact with the people closest to me was impossible to deal with but being unable to explain in a way that people would understand I would make up ‘reasons’ that could be construed as lies I wasn’t doing anything wrong at this time but would say I was ‘busy’ with things that did not exist to avoid making time for that person and things like that. I would be off in my own world, I guess like taking a holiday from emotions and because the weight of other peoples emotions is always too much for a borderline to handle during this ‘holiday’ period any contact with other people and their emotions was like being hit with a wave that you can’t get up from, so you just blank them all out until you are ready to face the world again… Hope this helps?

      • Hi Sharon,

        This seemed to answer a lot of my questions about that, too. At least you were able to talk to your fiance a year ago and let them know why you felt the need to leave at that time.;)

        I know it may be hard to communicate what is going on within one’s self, when sometimes those with BPD don’t even know, or can’t explain it… I think it’s still important to try with your SO. Especially, if they have stood by your side. Otherwise, the person with BPD will be subjecting their SO to the same abandonment issues that they, themselves, supposedly fear… so, even if you feel the need to leave after years of being in a relationship, it still might help the SO heal if they have some kind of understanding that they meant something to you for all the years they stood by you.

        The illness (when looking at it from a non BPD perspective) can, indeed, seem very selfish, at times.

        I am, also, aware that a SO and/or some relationships will really make one with BPD have to look at one’s own actions (and internal conflict) and sometimes that isn’t so pretty…

    • Adrian, I experienced similar behavior in the weeks before my ex ended the relationship (using phrases like “right guy;wrong time” and “I can’t find the strength anymore” – which when you don’t realize what is happen or why, are so confusing you wonder if they’re purposely hurting you.)

      My silent treatments would literally come minutes after a text or voice-mail about how much she missed me or wished I was there. I could be working and attempt to contact her ten minutes later to arrange time together and she’d ignore the communication or decline the offer – even though she missed me. I don’t know if they were passive-aggressive attempts to make me miss her (which I did anytime we weren’t together) or whether they were her attempts to attempt to control the situation. If I imagine myself being taken over by rapidly changing emotions on a regular basis, I think I would probably be trying a lot of different things to FEEL like I had SOME control over what was happening.

      As needy as mine could be at times, and as much as I tried to help her understand that it was okay to need those needs, she often felt horrible because of it. If we assume that anyone in that position feels bad because of their emotional needs, and then we factor in that they don’t believe they deserve anyone to care about them in the first place and that the disorder is rooted in inner shame (many times a shame that actually belongs with someone else who mistreated them), it becomes easier to have some understanding over why the push-pull cycle happens in these relationships and why dishonesty is often employed to hide or mask what is really happening.

  21. I’m not sure sure as the borderline that the tenacity is all down to the non-borderline. There’s loads of forums I notice on the poor sufferers of people living with borderlines, yet Borderlines can end up living with complete idiots who lie, cheat, control, manipulate, use and and exhibit anger too you know? I’ve lived with a non-borderline for 20 years and the only difference between us is that he feels no shame or guilt for being horrible and blames me constantly. It’s me who has wanted to end it for years, but my fear of abandonment is so bad, he could as easily be an onion, carrot or some other object I’d attached to 20 years ago …. and be as frightened to leave ‘them’ as inanimate objects right now!!! Came to you your blog when googling tips on how I can get to grips with my intense emotions and actually follow through with getting out of this relationship, finding peace and setting up home on my own.

    • I agree, borderlines seem to attract people who have similar flaws without a diagnosis and as you say these people tend not to feel the accompanying shame, guilt and remorse that goes along with our behaviour. I hope you do manage to find a way to break free from this controlling manipulative relationship as since I managed to get away from the non-borderline guy who treated me like that I have improved so much myself I would now be unlikely to meet the criteria for diagnosis – his behaviour made me a lot more ill! Best wishes to you for finding freedom and happiness x

      • Hi thanks I have been following this whole thread. I was with a guy who I loved to the ends of the earth and was there for him on many occasions when he was down. For four months he called me his soul mate and said how gentle, patient, and understanding I was. At first we weren’t “official” but then after a few months he said that he loved me and he wanted to be with me and he felt like I was his best friend. I felt the same to him – we were so close. Then about two weeks later he suddenly told me we were cut from different cloth, that he was angry at me, regretted ever confiding in me, and that we had nothing in common. After that he would not respond to my texts or emails except a couple of times to basically express hatred to me and imply that I was an evil person. So I am sure he would call me “toxic” but the truth is we never had any disagreements and we got along and respected, understood, and loved each other so well for that period. A couple times he sort of freaked on me it is true, but I just stayed calm and waited for it to pass. I loved him so much. But now 9 months have past. Why do you think he decided I was evil when nothing happened? How long might he hold on this anger? It has really torn me to pieces to think what we had was so special and it’s like he has no memory of it. I have never called him sense the break-up but drop a supportive email every month or six weeks which he never responds to – usually like a casual update and saying, I still miss you and hope you are well. Then recently I texted him and asked if it would be alright if I called him. He said no way and that if I ever contacted him again he was going to get a peace order, and that my contacts were hurting him. I don’t think he has any idea he has BPD but he demonstrated almost all of the DSM traits except self-injury (though he has had suicidal ideas when he was younger.)


      • I don’t know what the actual trigger was but I sounds like the ‘fear of abandonment’ coupled with ‘splitting’ definitely kicked in at some point to make him end things that way. He is most likely reflecting his own ‘toxicity’ on you as well. It may be hard but I think you need to close the door on it, stop all contact with him, no more emails or texts, if his response was so harsh it is not good to try to maintain contact with him. Sorry if you were hoping for a more positive response but I really think that especially if he is not aware of his condition nothing good can come of trying to keep in touch with him in this situation. Move on and find happiness somewhere else 🙂 Best Wishes Sharon

  22. I am a none who broke it off with a BPD the day before Valentines. She was at my home prepping for a “special day” for me when I called her in the afternoon and she asked me who I was on the phone with prior to calling her. She then went on a horrible rant calling me names and a cheater and threatened to login into my ATT account (claimed she had all my passwords) and said she was doing all these “wonderful things” for me. It was so bizarre—she claimed she loved me yet was threatening me in a very demeaning way. I dreaded the next day.

    An hour later I called her and told her to leave my home and when I came home she had shattered one of my picture frames.

    That was the final straw for me after 4 years. There are so many other stories but this was the final final.

    • What a difficult time for you, her behaviour does sound very odd and erratic, sorry you had to deal with that 😦 I hope you manage to get over it okay 🙂 x

  23. Hi Showard, thanks for that reply ..i just wanna say i think it’s fantastic you do this blog and bother to actually reply to everyone, it’s so helpful, mostly i think people just need to understand, and it’s a real shame because if everyone could just see or understand what each other needed, lot’s of broken hearts could be avoided. i had one more question for you really, i have to say i really did love my ex and after one talk i had with her regarding lies i called her out on, i sat down really calm and asked her to tell me how i can help her to help us ..basically i just wanted to know how i could be with her, what did i need to do in order to make this situation work, because i couldn’t be with someone who lies to me, i mean is there a way you can with a BPD person? because it felt so helpless, even with so much understanding and being so soo calm with her, the only option that seemed viable was to reduce myself to a punching bag and of course that is not exactly my dream relationship i always wished for. i actually recently text her to say would you like to be friends, that i saw her dark sides and still wanted to be her friend and that i cared very much, but no reply, i saw she unblocked me on facebook which was hilarious that she blocked me in the first place as she was the one who was pretty hurtful and said very cutting things to me yet she unblocked me so i thought oh perhaps this is her warming up to try have that closure or start a friendship, when i added her as a friend she then she told me she wasn’t sure how i became unblocked must have been a mistake, yet you can’t mistakenly unblock someone ..again another lie of all the many. i guess i need to give up hope we will ever have that closure discussion or a friendship, and i am also guessing as she used to before we got together sleep around alot so probably is using this as a way to cope? i don’t know, BPD is so hard to break through, is that how BPD people deal with things they just close this much off and that’s it forever? i never really experienced this, it’s i have to say very cutting to be on the other end of, but it helps so much to read this blog, i guess she is just suffering and not well?

    • Hi Adrian, Thank you, the whole reason for putting my own life out in the open like this was to try and help other people and I believe that it is helping some which makes me happy 🙂 Yes, understanding is the greatest thing we can hope for when it comes to difficult conditions such as BPD although I suspect no-one can every really understand it enough…I can understand why you asked your ex that question, mine asked me something similar – how could he help me so we could be together, but in the end nothing would ever have been enough with him. I didn’t realise at the time that I did not love him the same way he loved me (if he actually did either) I was dependant upon and relied upon him but he was controlling and manipulative which was what made me feel he was my world, looking back now I wonder if he was in fact a narcissist himself? any way my point is that asking her how you could help is something she would be unlikely to be able to provide an answer to, as she would not know. It takes a long time for us to gain any insight into how we can help ourselves let alone how anyone else can be of help to us, and further yet to transform those things into actions that can make a relationship work. For us, I feel, either the relationship works (naturally) or it does not and then the nest thing to do is walk away and not look back :/ While we are suffering and unwell there is no real hope for saving difficult relationships at that time and by the time we are well enough it is probably far too late 😦 I agree letting yourself become a punching bag ( either physically or emotionally, or both) is not a suitably resolution, no matter how much you love the other person, no-one should put up with that, abuse, lies, cheating etc are not part of a healthy relationship. Texting her to ask if she wants to be friends may not have been a good move if she is still unwell as her instant reaction to this would most likely be along the lines of ‘what does he want from me now, to use me some more now his latest slag has dumped him?’ (truth and facts not entering into the equation). Yes, sleeping around is a coping mechanism for some BPD’s (including me) and also a form of self-harm (unprotected sex, not caring about the risks). For me closing off completely is one important way to deal and move on, for me if it is ‘over’ and I feel wronged enough by a person they no longer exist at all to me, I close the door on them and our time and would never let them in again no matter what happened, I have done this with a number of people but I believe they fully deserve it, and I clearly meant nothing to them as it wasn’t like they even tried to contact me so I would not shut them out permanently… but then I do have a habit of attracting some very nasty people to be in my life and wonder why i end up getting hurt and never want to see them again – so I reckon I am better off without them? I hope this letting you inside my head a bit like this helps give you a bit more idea what kind of things may be going through her mind too!? 🙂 Sharon

  24. This makes me sad but relieved at the same time that i am not alone in my misery. I appreciate your blog and have recently spent a lot of time reading your posts to let me know i am not crazy….I just act that way sometimes. Thank you~ Jessica

    • Glad to help you see you are not alone Jessica, we aren’t crazy just people struggling with intense emotions beyond what it considered ‘normal’ (but who gets to say what is normal anyway!? lol 😉 ) x

  25. Hello and thank you for this blog. Always interested in psychology, I, in recent years have been doing a lot of reading about “personality disorders”, including BPD and NPD and to my delight ironically. Learning about these troubeling and at times, frightening emotional disturbances, has opened up a wonderful tool for understanding my own mind and why “it” had reacted in such damaging and unhealthy ways in the past. Children are so fragile and beautiful and if raised by healthy parents with healthy self esteem, will become adults who are fragile and beautiful and strong. While my daughter was growing up, I was suffering with my own childhood trauma and showed narcississtic and borderline traits, putting my daughter and husband in harms way emotionally. I knew I had to do something but my lack of trust would not allow me to seek professional help so I started to read as much as I could. I started to study Buddhism and breathe and meditate slightly. Slowly but surely I came to understand that I wasn’t a bad person, just a hurt person trying to be happy and live in a difficult world just like everybody else. I came to understand that childhood trauma is very common and I was not alone. I forgave my mother and my father and myself. My daughter is forgiving me through deep understanding and compassion
    and I know in my heart that my grandchild will benefit as well. Also, I have learned how to empathise with friends who suffer with BPD and love them.

    • Hi Lily, glad you are overcoming the traumas of your past. I too have found that reading about the condition has been a huge help in understanding, accepting and slowly overcoming the difficulties of living with BPD. I hope you continue to stay strong 🙂

      • Hi Showard,
        Thank you for your reply. All the posts her have helped me immensly. Thank you, thank you.

        About three years ago I had a bad break up with my ex. She was splitting me “black”, verbally abusing me, emotionally abusing me with extreme coldness and lying. I was so confused and hurt by all this until I learned more about BPD. I always instinctively knew that she was ill and that she really didn’t mean to be so abusive, but that didn’t help anything accept for me to understand better, and heal from this “nightmare”.

        I know that I have experienced some BPD traits and NPD traits in the past but not to the extreme that I witnessed here.
        Anyway, she’s back and not in a good place. She’s broke and trying to find a place to live and a car to drive with money from her new found job. She invites me to go shopping with her etc. and gave me a birthday present. I still love her because I always did and I understand her illness, but she’s emotionally weak. I’m not sure what she wants from me but I’m sure I cannot have a romantic relationship with her. I may be able to have a casual friendship with her. How can I help her?
        We still have a few laughs and enjoy eachother’s company. Can a friendship work here?

      • Glad the posts help 🙂 I think if things are going well on the friendship level at the moment there’s a good chance it could continue, and just being a friend without any additional complications is probably the best help you can give her, I don’t think it would be healthy for you to try to help her any more than that, if you get too involved in her life things may blow up again as too much pressure will be put on you as she will start to rely on you again. Keep it simple and maintain a healthy distance from her problems for your own sake 🙂

      • Hello,
        I think you’re absolutely right about keeping it light. She is already asking too many favors like picking her up from work. I have done this twice and am feeling like she could start taking advantage of my kind nature. I really don’t mind picking her up but I feel a little used so I need to stop to protect my own self esteem. I understand this. I would like to think that she actually cares about me on some level instead of simply needing me for a “void filler” in herself or to fufill a need to create drama or for any other reason. When I’m with her, I can actually feel her fears and insecurities, her anger is rampant and her sense of self, absent. She’s gay and hates herself for being so but expresses a desire for acceptance from others and from herself as well. I fear GID in her too and alcoholism and perscription drug use. My compassion is so big but her issues are bigger. Really, I don’t know how a person with so many issues can be happy and peaceful. I wish I could do more. I wish I could walk away. Why am I attracted to such a disfunctional individual? Interesting but scary. Any input here would be so appreciated. You’re really great Sharon. Thank you again.-Lily

      • I sometimes think that being so needy, childlike and vulnerable in our appearance is a huge part of what attracts others to us, in addition to the fact that many BPD’d are just so naturally charming, attractive and sociable. We are ‘magnetic’. But, I think that once people start to get closer to us we bring out the side of them that wants to rescue us from ourselves (and BPD), save us, protect us and ‘prove’ to us, as people who openly admit to not being able to believe someone could love us, that we can be loved, are worthy of love and that ‘you’ are the person who will prove this to us… but these kinds of demonstartion often act as a trigger (due to our lack of belief) that causes us to retreat ourselves… :/ Sharon x

  26. hi showard, that was a powerful piece that you wrote, but I also have a question I also had a break up with my bpd almost 10 mos ago, at the time her behavior was very strange,, she also has signs of being a Narc as well, I know the fact the relationship was unhealthy,and she had ended for the last time, why is it so hard for us non’s to move forward, it feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, maybe its due to the fact she came in and out so many times, 10 months has been the longest without contact, I tried reaching out to her and she never responded, I just really wanted to know how she was doing, so my question is when yall move on is that it forever, do yall ever think about your exes,

    • Hi Alanda, I guess that she normally keeps coming back is why you are struggling to move on, as you feel ‘on pause’ waiting for her to return again? I do think about my exes at times but yeah I think mostly when we move on it is forever, I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to go back to my ex now…

  27. wow thank you, you shed some light on something I was looking to find out, maybe that is the closure I needed, and yes I have felt like I have been on pause for a very long time even after she left 10 mos ago. its sad that we can never be friends, but I will continue to move forward, do you have any advice to help us non’s move forward.

    • I guess the best advice is the same as when any relationship ends, just focus on doing things that make you happy and being with people that make you happy, avoid the negative things, remember the good times, forget the bad and chalk it up as another life experience and remember not everyone will hurt you and let you down so don’t let that experience stop you from loving again when you are ready. But at the same time, having been through a BPD relationship hopefully you are now more aware of the signs of when someone is not stable enough to sustain a relationship and therefore you can hopefully avoid letting yourself slip into another relationship that goes the same way… Good luck! 🙂

  28. aww thank you yes I will, I have learned alot and in time when I am ready to love again I will be more aware, but also sometimes we non’s dont think what made us attract and also be attracted to someone with bpd, the signs were there before the relationship really took off, so I think if I also focus on that I would be able to fix somethings in me I need to change, but yes the relationship wasnt all bad, so I can take those things and move forward. but I do wanna ask if she ever does come back not for relationship but just to talk, what would your advice to be on that.

    • No problem 🙂 If she comes back, even just to talk take it carefully, play it by ear. Listen and find out what kind of position she is in at that time, beware of getting sucked in because she is ‘desperate’, if you don’t feel comfortable with the way she is then back off as soon as you feel safe to do so. She may be in a vulnerable position if she comes back. You need to remember to stay strong for your own sake, ask yourself questions such as if she comes back is letting her back in your life going to be good or bad for you? What if you are happy with someone else, is being in contact with her going to threaten/harm that relationship? Overall just be careful if she comes back because there will be a reason for it and it might not be a good reason…

      • Yeah, I guess it is different with some people who have BPD… as mine did come back several times. I, too, heard that once a person with BPD really cuts you out of their life, that is that… but, it obviously varies. Maybe he also knows deep down how much I really have stood by his side when no one else would. I, also, cannot deny the love he’s had for me… so, things can get very confusing. I think if a person accepts that they have the BPD, is open to talk about it, go to therapy and have you involved… that is the best scenario, but they have to want that, too. And not for the sake of shining a light on them that something is wrong with them. That isn’t a good thing, either, but for the sake that it’s always a good idea for everyone to understand themselves. Going to therapy doesn’t have to be hard if you have the right therapist and you love each other…. it doesn’t have to be seen in a negative light at all.

      • Yeah, most of the people I have ‘cut out’ will stay that way forever but there are others who have come close but for whatever reason (I suspect my connection to them is not so strong anyway?) I let them back in… I think usually it is those who have not been so important, not stood by us (and therefore not let us down) that we can let come and go more readily? I fully agree about the therapy, it has been very helpful to me even when I don’t see the point sometimes I still go now 🙂

      • And to you:Devara I wish to thank you personally for your kind words and your obvious understanding and care for my well being as another person in the world that shares a common situation,Thank You.
        I hope things for you go well and I hope your dreams and wishes are realized.

  29. My ex has not been diagnosed,but she did say she was not right and after reading a lot I realised she had strong BPD traits, although she seemed to be the waif type. She was worried it was not going to work a few times and after 3 months together she made me commit to a serious relationship, I agreed and then she dumped me a week later when she having family issues. left me with a broken heart and continued contact for 2 months,she kept saying I deserve better and she could not give me what I want. I tried everything,she continued to tell me about her life everyday and her problems,some seemed exaggerated,she then told me she had a guy over the following weekend I lost it and cut her out completely. I still feel bad 4 months after this breakup. Said she could not be with me and she thought she loved me in the end. For some reason she still wanted me in her life, but I felt used and very confused. It is all very sad and she probably hates me now for slagging her in the end,but it was out of anger and confusion.

    • It sounds like you are better off out of it, the hurt, anger and confusion would only have continued if you stayed with her 😦 I hope you can get over it and find happiness 🙂

  30. Hi Sharon, I too came across your Blog through Google. It is wonderful. I thank you for emptying your personal information on the Internet for all those who can heal from it, including myself. I am in my 50’s and so was my gf. We are now separate for a lmost a year. She has BPD but is unmedicated and is in denial as well. She has a restraining order against me for something I never did. i never stalked her, nor harrassed her. She did those to me several times since the breakup. She also tried to have my medical state licensure revoked from the state where I live. That never happened because after the state spent several thousands of dollars for inspectors, they could not find any incrimminating evidence she decalsred initially that i was some sex predator. She got just soooo crazy on me. I could not believe it! Nor could my friends and family. She then notified my friends and tried to tell tehm I was a sociopath. I have such a big heart to have stayed in a relationship which was damading to me, but because I oloved her and “still do”, how would I fit the criteria as a sociopath? Then she took records to the Police department for which i am being arraigned for next week. Yes, she clearly tried to damage every thing that I was and stood for, to include my sanity, integrity, etc. but i was allways a few steps away spiritually and somehow knew intuitively what to expect. I seemingly knew the path and the way through a tremendous amount of hurt and pain and lonliness. As she causes all these malicious activities, I realize how she must be hurting deeply for me. Perhaps still loves me, but pushes me away completely because for some reason she feels she can not have me. Two days ago, she had called my ex boss who is also a female friend. My ex gf was very jealous of my female friends. Made up stories as if to convince me i was cheatoing with nearly any and all my female friends. Not true! It got me very dissapointed. She still seems to want to get information out of my friends about me after nearly one years of “silence”. I now live a crazy lonely life because of her, yet days that are deeply burdened by the fact that inorder for me to gain peace, I need to move on somehow. Life is tougher now than ever before. I have waited all my life to find someone I had loved. And loved I did. I still do. Thank you for your blog Sharon. This is the meaning of knowing of the depth of the human experience.

    • Thanks Peter, I’m glad my posts can help people, it certainly helped me to let it out! I hope your ex stops her continued attacks on you and that you manage to find peace and happiness again soon 🙂

      • Hi Sharon,
        My Ex BPD sufferer has not stopped engaging with me. She is totally out to destroy my life, crdibility, career, etc. She will be taking me back to court because she feels that I have violated a restraining order which was never violated in the first place, plus she has also instilled a harrassment and stalking order of sorts. That too has never happened. It is crazy. Indeed! I was caught in a whirlwind of chaos. I can only believe just hoiw much more she is suffereing than I am now. For her it must be continual. Please validate since i am amiss about the hows and whys of BPD. It is really crazy. Now I feel I will also have to obtain a restraining order on her. I now have an attorney as it is getting serious and potentially life threateneing because she stalks me here at my home and I don’t know how her mantation is. Thank you for your blog.

      • Hi Peter, so sorry to hear of her continued disgraceful behaviour, I agree she will be suffering a lot living with BPD as it is a living hell for those of us who have to live with it, but your own suffering is terrible too, I think you would be right to get a restraining order against her and glad you have an attorney because I think you need some serious help to get her to stop this harassment and stalking. I hope she stops soon!

      • Hi Sharon, I am very , let’s just say, proud of you sincerely, because you have opened up your heart to so many. AND many indeed are visiting your blog and praising you and yes, validating what you are doing here. I can not thank you enough. 🙂

    • Hi Peter,

      To me, it sounds as if she might be stalking you because you are the one who can get arrested if you are around her.;) Definitely, get a protective order on her ASAP, in order to protect yourself right now… and record *everything*. If you ever tried to reach out to her in a loving way, it could’ve triggered her, too, and could be why she’s taking action against you. The chaos she is showing to you is mirroring what is going on inside of herself, most likely. Once again, it is easier to place blame elsewhere than for her to have to look at her own actions. Regardless of the why’s, I’ve seen how things like this can get very ugly, so make sure you are protecting yourself, too. Take care of you first and foremost. She has to want to get help and she is unable to do that through you right now… because all the drama she has created. And, telling her she has an issue when she hasn’t yet accepted it, or, emotionally cannot… can wreck havoc on you… with the backlash of her immediate reactions to that. Although, her mental state will probably have to get brought up in court at this point anyway.:-/

      It seems that a lot of people with BPD are great at manipulating, too… even if it’s subconscious… meaning they may not even recognize that what they are doing looks pretty manipulative and deceptive. Some might not be aware, whereas others may, indeed, be well aware of this trait.

      I saw how my BPD partner could rage at me and then in another instant stay calm with someone else, when needed. Very interesting.

      Take care of yourself first and foremost.

      • Thank you very much indeed for your post Devara and Sharon. I have read it and it has meant alot to me. It very much hurts me deeply that I need to go to that extent to protect myself from her amidst her dis-ease processing through the fourth stage. Please correct me if need be. I believe since our parting a year ago and she still trying to obtain information from my friends about me, apparently she still is very interested in me. Though I realize I need to have her served. That way too she will perhaps understand and maybe have a clearer picture of who I am and perhaps have some respect towards me instead of trying to “kill/destroy” my life and career altogether. Emotionally, this has been devastating to me. I am now seeing a counsellor weekly and talking to my friends. There are two court dates in May and June where the court will determine whether or not I have indeed violated the restraining order by leaving three loving notes in the park, a mile away from her home, which were put there before the restraining order was ever issued. It would be her words against mine. I do believe if she is still trying to elicit information from my friends of a two weeks ago, she is still very much consumed by me. Love vs. hate stage seems to be apparent. No? She is using transference, In that I have become the image of her father and mother who had abused her. Though I never did abuse her in any way. For her though i feel it is delusional being that she will abuuse those closest to her. Please comment. I too suffer most every day with these and more thoughts of her. Now I can not find a decent job because she has this restraining order against me as well. Public court files are available to employers for background check purposes. It as too sad when imnfact I was not the cause of this mess.

      • Sorry to hear things are so bad and showing no signs of improvement Peter, I do hope that things come to light in court that allow you the justice you deserve and this terrible chaos comes to an end 😦

      • Thank you for all your assistance Sharon. I do realize now more than ever that people with BPD do suffer exponentially with the “dark-ness”, the isolation, the chaos in their mind set. the love vs. hate episodes, etc. that most others can not understand. I have since amidst my loving her still, decided to take that big leap against my normal self and put a restraining order against her and then prosecute further for slander in superior court. It has gotten so bad, that it is almost impossible for me to find and obtain work. What’s worse is I am dealing with some hidden self of hers that now really hates me for reasons I really don’t know and I am going through “love vs being unloving towards her”. It really sickens me that I have to deal with this emotional trauma myself and sometimes it is just unbearable to hang on. What do you do with some one who is unstable mentally? Thank you Sharon. Hope i have not upset you in any way. Just speaking reality here.

      • It is a shame things have gotten to that point but you need to do what is right for you. Sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away…

  31. Thank you so much for sharing your insight into the way someone with BPD thinks in a relationship. I am the spouse of a BPD sufferer. I had to call the police as he attacked me. We are separated and he wants out the marriage after 8 years. I grieve for him and I am devastated as I love him so much and will do anything to help him. But he is unmedicated and refuses he needs help. I believe he is suffering with high functioning BPD which is worse as his family think he is fine and I am the only one who sees him the way he truly is after 13 years of knowing him.

    Thank you for your post. It helps me understand. I pray that you get better and that you find the happiness you deserve. No one should suffer like that. BPD is an awful disease to suffer with and no human should endure that. God bless.

    • Thanks Denise, I hope all with BPD can get the help and support they need to get better, including your husband, it’s so hard when a person will not accept that they have a problem 😦 I am doing much better now myself. I hope you will be okay 🙂

  32. Hi, Sharon, I was interested you said being away from your partner makes you a lot less ill now. My BPD partner left me 18 months ago. I was completely blindsided as I did not know the extent of his illness even after 8 years together, albeit 8 very difficult years. The first year after our split was the most painful time of my life. I couldn’t get any answers and he was so unrecognisably erratic, we hurt each other a hell of a lot.
    I spoke to him recently after 8 months of no contact and I find he is living the dream! He has a new partner, great home, marriage plans, success at work… the whole package. And he seems so “sorted” and content. And I am still devastated and a wreck.
    Selfish as I may seem, I am gutted! I gave my all to our relationship, loved him with all my heart and feel totally worthless to find he is thriving better without me. Please would you give me your honest thoughts on this?

    • Hi Debbie, yeah I have improved so much since leaving my partner, he dragged me down, controlling and manipulating me in ways that I couldn’t even see until after I had ended it, at the time I could just feel that things weren’t ‘right’ but not what it was about him that was wrong for me. As for your ex, he may be masking things and making them sound better than they really are to hurt you, or it could be true that he is sorted and content, but based on how I am and feel I would say that if he is in a relationship then he is not doing as well as he makes it sound because I know that I could not be happy and settled in another relationship for a long, long time after my last one. Time will tell but I suspect there may be more than he lets on. I think you should try to avoid any contact with him as it will only add to your hurting if you see/hear how ‘well’ he is doing without you. Like I say I am doing well without my ex, but not on a relationship level and I truly feel that a relationship would be likely to drag me down again, no matter how nice the person is or how good it seems to be on the surface :/ I hope you manage to find peace and happiness and let go of your hurt from your relationship with him x

      • Thank you Sharon, its kind of you to share those thoughts. I DO wish him happiness really, its just so hard not to be able to be the one helping him to find it. You’re so right that I have to end all contact and that is painful too.
        Very best wishes to you.x

  33. It’s Cameron again and yes I did get her post showard76 ,it was very beautifully written,and I did take it to heart,so an update with my first Angel Eyes,I say first because I resently met another woman that has the same Angel Eyes and she is also very special,No we are not involed I simply offered her friendship,any way with my girl,we have to my surprise been able to talk about a resolution to my pain of needing to see she knows how I love her and her pain of needing to show me yet unable to fight her metal walls built from those years of pain she was powerless to stop.
    We have decided that we will work on each other her on her,and me on me,now I know to people reading this they are saying”Right what the hell does that mean”lol I understand their confusion,and what it means is this,I have given her something no one has,the knowledge that I do love her very much and I will stop chasing her and expecting a diffrent result from my unbending actions,and she has given me the knowledge of being able to be the one she can call, email,and ask for my advise in her world which she has come to understand I know so well.
    She has been in touch and she has been telling me about her dreams of us in candle light and me charging to the rescue,those kinds of things,that makes
    me feel good since she has not expressed her even thinking about me in a thoughtful way for so long.
    We are still friends and I know if she wanted me in that way I would cave,she is a remarkable woman,point,is,that I told her I would never give up on her and that I was getting tired,”I think I even said that in this forum somewhere” any way,that made her understand that I did care and love her and for some reason it turned off that switch in her mind and for a moment my Angel Eyes I could see knew how I felt and what I meant when I said it,and I have to say it did feel good to see,you might think it was a high price to pay for a seamingly small reward,if you do truley love a person then I can assure you it was worth it and I would do it all again.
    I hope this makes sense to you people out there in this mixed up world,I know how hard it is to love,I also am a man that understands his own limits and were is own ego belongs,and this woman my Angel Eyes is the one that made it possable for me to look in the mirror and face my own demons,it was the only way to save me,and I had to take that look cause it was the only way to save her.
    I truley love every one of you that have shared your lives and knowledge of what you have learned and in you “real” heart felt statments it “does” help and I cant thank each and everyone of you enough!
    Showard76 “I hold love for you deep in my very soul for what you have done here”you have given hope to people that had none,and you give that knowledge (although painfull)at times it’s real,true and heart felt when you offer it,you also give it freely without any exspectation of anything in return,I dont know if you know this or not but that is very hard to come by these days,and again Thank you so very much,and remember girl I know you to are someones Angel Eyes and just know that you are loved by many more than you will ever know.

    • Thank you Cameron, your last paragraph bought tears to my eyes. I share my pain, thoughts and experiences here in the hope they will help others but as you rightly say, expecting nothing in return, maybe one day I will find the person who considers me his Angel Eyes, and maybe I will even truly believe it? I hope so 🙂 Sharon

      • Awww, Cameron. I could, indeed, relate to a lot of what you said above.

        And, thank you for your own kind words to me. They meant a lot. I wish you the same on your journey.:)

      • showard76: I have very broken heart ….well again,I,if you remember was so happy to of made an arrangment with my Angel Eyes,to stop pushing,I think u will remember ,any way she got involved with a guy thats 59 years old(her being 41) and my absence was the blame she used,this was a guy she knew before we met,back when she drank allot and did allot of 420,she had stopped most all that when we were together,we would go out I would treat her like a lady,dinner maybe a drink and open doors that sort of thing.
        I see know why she would keep me at arms reach and tell me it was her hours at work and the weekends with her kids and I was never aloud over at her place sinse her and her male roomate,(another ex) got into a fight because he seen her and I together and raised hell and rushed back home,she made me take her back to confront him saying to me”he has no right””I told him we were roomates and nothing more”!but when I took her back she ask me to wait in the car,I heard yellingLOUD,and her 13 year old daughter is in there so I went in,they were squared off,he was pulling up his fists,her daughter was jumping around trying to get in front of Angel Eyes to protect her,I went forward no one sees me yet,I placed my right hand on her daughters shoulder,she spun around,seen it was me,and I gave her the it’s ok look and moved in front of her then in front of Angel Eyes,her daughter called cops,He tried to hit me,he missed,he then screamed for me to leave I said nothing as I could see the hurt in his face,the pain that when he then screamed”SHE DONT LIE!SHE JUST NEVER TELLS THE WHOLE TRUTH!”and I knew he was being told something other than what I was,he rush me head down and tried to tackle me,I did not move,I’m 6 foot 3 225 lbs he is 5foot 6 and about 140 lbs he would not let go so I threw him away from me,I did not realize he was so light,he went up against a wall feet off ground sideways,like a sticky spider kids toy,I slowly backed away,he grabbed his keys,I turned to meet AE coming full speed toward me but I would not let her get to him,she was enraged,uncontolable,I simply kept my hand on her shoulders not grabing just using palms and kept saying Angel Eyes,Baby Cub listen U go to jail Your baby cub will be here alone with him! stop! stop! listen to me ! calm down CUB stop!,she finally heard me,and as she seen him trying to rush out the door she swung her leg around me and kicked him as he fled.
        Because of that she told me that her daughter said I looked like an angel standing in confrontation with him so calm,when he rushed me I heard her daughter scream NO!!!1 I thought it was for me not to hurt him,Angel Eyes told me later it was she did not want him to touch me,made me cry,I did not know she really cared that much for me,however AE said I cant come over any more sinse I rag dolled him,and then our talk.
        She got together with this older guy that still lives by his moms money smokes 420 and drinks every day at the bar,I drove by and the whole family daughter the old drunk guy the roomate I saved from either huting AE or vise versa and her all having a nice dinner curtains open wide with all her girls and having a wonderful time.
        Why could not the roomate say Cameron thank you for stopping us from hurting each other,why did she use me to always be there for her but run around on me and then always come back and say”no matter how far I go,who I run to,I cant deny my heart,I need you” and then turn around 3 weeks later and do this to me.
        Im a smart man ,I love deeply,I’m 44 and been with 4 woman my whole life,I never slept around on her,was always there at the drop of a hat,she has called me at 4 am and was scared lost and cold and I went and got my Angel eyes,made her soup,gave her a nice canndle light bath all without asking any questions and with every thing non intement just being there for her I thought would show her I wanted to take care of her,this because she thought or said at least that I just wanted her for you know,I proved that to be wrong and later she admited she just said that.
        I know Im rambling here,I’m sick,my heart is killing me,I HATE THIS HURT!,and typing through these tears is harder than you might think.
        You will find your fella Showard76,you know why ?because if you are anything like my Angel Eyes but with the strength to put it all out there,for all to see,you have already done something my A E never could….you know what that is? HUH? it’s the trust that you had to release to give people MEN and WOMAN that have been just destroyed a shot at you!to tell you just what they think! and if you look back at the things written here you will see,that us nons dont hate you,or our borderlines or ptsd’s we love(loved) you,and I hope you see that the pain I’m going through might help you to see that allot of us have paid allot,not saying it does not hurt you I know it does,but girl,by the will of god try to let someone be there for you,trust their love,cause whats the diffrence,we hurt,you hurt,and I for one figure even though I want to just die right now,I would fall again for her,I do love her that much and damn it if Im going to hurt Im going to because I did go all in,I held back no trust,I was hers,being the damn fool I am prob, would be again,I hope this makes sense,Showerd76 if you ever can GO ALL IN,sometimes with the right guy and if you can do it given time I think you will see,”you know””I like this”.
        I hope you find him girl as much as I wish my Angel Eyes could have loved me as I trusted she knew I did her.I lost and it hurts!.
        I wish you all so well,I do love you people.
        I am going in for counciling tomorrow,I am not thinking right I feel worthless and un lovable,I feel like hiding in my damn room,I’m not me,and after being with my momma Cub,Angel Eyes for 3 years,I guess I have some untangling to do.
        Everyone take care.

      • Sorry to hear about these terrible things. I hope your counselling helps you get over the horrible trauma your relationship with angel eyes has caused you, you do indeed seem very broken by what you have been through. Take care of yourself now, that is the best thing you can do 🙂 Sharon

      • You do have Angel Eyes ,you will find him,just understand that the only thing I can think is somehow,in some way,I might not have been able to show her I was truly hers”All In”,please really pay attention to the posative things he tries to do for you,when the feeling of “wait whats up”hits you,try to stop just for a moment,think about when you look into his eyes and see that (amber firelight)as my Angel Eyes used to say and think”wait I know there is a reason””and my girl you might just want to kick ur own ass in realizing” wow I see now that was a sweet thing for him to do,I dont think people want to hurt others,presidents dont become presidents to hurt,teachers start out truly wanting to help,just as counsil starts out really caring,Please always no matter how hard that instinct to run and hide pushes you,try to see the good in us all as I’m doing right now,u all have helped me so much and not being a cry baby or whimpy bastard normally,I …..Hey look no more tears,so again thanks to all of you.YOU ALL HELPED ME.love to all.

      • No angel eyes here, and unfortunately some people do go into things with the intention to hurt others. I try to see the good in people, but I usually end up being hurt as result of trusting and caring too much for people who do not feel the same…

  34. To Sharon H,…This is Cameron I was wanting to know how to put my picture in that little square by what I post,thought it might be nice for people to put a face to my words,can you help me do that?

      • No problem, and I’d just like to apologise again for the delays in replying to emails and approving and replying to comments. I have a very long commute for work, studying and ‘life’ to juggle in addition to the huge amount of emails and comments. I have to prioritise and work and studying come first… 🙂

  35. Devara: Your very welcome,and Showard76 you to,Both of you,please learn a little from me,if we all could truly in our hearts, know after all the jitters and fear, KNOW,that who we are with,” in our soul feels so right!” GO ALL IN! the hell with it,we might only live once,and if thats the case,then at least once we all should try to trust in the love we have for another and that trust we have in our own heart is what we need to show to our Angel Eyes or to us men,if we are to be forsaken or damn by god lets be damned for how we truly love!Hold nothing back.
    With love,Cameronseyes

    • The world would be a wonderful place if everyone could love that freely and hold nothing back, but I suspect it is more of a dream world than reality 😦

  36. Forgot to mention the nail in my coffin,The older guy that she is now with(mind you she had been perposed to and said yes 2 times while we were as far as I was concerned a couple)and then came back to me crying which I forgave,any way,I told him,read up on PTSD/BPD it will help u love her likes she needs to be,be better than I was for her,cause I knew they were a couple,…the NAIL was the older guy sent me a message on my gmail SMS not realizing that he hit reply instead of texting her(he was wasted)and sent”Cameron is F’ing wierd! I love you(her name)and I really mean it”(why he would need to qualify that as a fact i dont know),so understandably pissed I sent him a little one back and said “learn how to operate ur damn phone!””what are you pushing60!then I calmed and said look just get word to Angel Eyes I would like some of my things back,and then .and hit send.
    She gmailed me and said you leave (his name)alone,and I threw out your stuff,stay out of my life and I’ll stay out of yours!.
    So you see I get Camerons F’ing wierd for calming down and trying to be adult about this,…see any time she would get caught,OH MY GOD the shit would hit the fan just like what she sent me on gmail,she would change facts,,,,,well u know the story from there,anyway,I’m very hurt again,cause I’m an idiot,but I know,..”KNOW”…that I would do it all again and I do love her and even though it seems as though I will never be able to hug her pain away again,I will always love ,that woman,my Angel Eyes,my little baby Cub,…I know I know,I am going to miss that little shit,she was my world,my ….well…Angel.

  37. Oh ya the old guy never did respond to me,just went and cried to her,so she knew she had been caught,he should have left the text I sent him out of it and simply said we should give Cameron’s stuff back,and not let on I knew that way he could of looked better( not showing his mess up in the first place which obviously never crossed his mind),and she would not have had to go through that mix of emotion to run save bail or fight,but he did not do that,and so on
    and so on,so seeing that he is going to hide behind her is going to last very little,with her, and I have a sneaking suspition that I’m going to hear from her again,and Showard76,I am scared of that,I have zero defense against Angel Eyes,I dont know what it is,but I will say this,if we dive back into the ring together I am going to spell out ALL IN or nothing and as always stand my ground calmly and leave if she needs the room,Im able to tell you Im weak
    when it comes to her cause I could give a damn that my ego is kicking my ass right now for even telling you and as it is,IT”S the truth,so as you can see I am impossably attached to her,I can’t even cuss her for the things she has done without defending her,good thing I’m going in tomorrow perhaps someone can help me sort through this there,I will keep u informed if you would like,I realize that what I have told you here might have damaged your opinion of me some,but I figure If i’m going to be of any help to anyone else,I might as well try not to paint myself as perfect victim,cause an Angel I’m not.
    Thanks again everyone turn the page.

  38. Hi… I have been following this thread and thought if sumone here can help me out… well I’ve been in a relationship with a girl since a year and a half… the start was beautiful and everything was perfect…but 4 months down the line things started becoming worse… this is my first relationship and I love her alot… we started fighting on stupid topics… again I thought this was all a part of being in a relationship so I kept it strong….afterwards her parents were against us and this freaked her out totally… I remember her telling me that she woke up everyday with the fear of losing me… she used to break up with me for the smallest of reasons… I was always left clueless and helpless as to why is she doing this… fights and arguments are on one side but breaking up every now and then!!!… we used to break up and then she used to come back coz she missed me alot and cudnt live without me…then slowly I got to experience her true anger… things were the same… she’s a dentist and is 23… her room is filled with softoys… not a big deal.. girls like them… but once when I asked her why did she love her soft toys so much… to which she replied that her soft toys cannot harm her like people can… she becomes hyper and has panic attacks if at all I do not text her for like 4-5 hrs coz I’m in office or majority of the tyms I’m in a meeting… her BP falls and her pulse is barely measurable…she broke up with me once coz a friend of mine told her that I was with a girl for an entire night… well that wasn’t true…. she realised that and we got back together… but what I Neva understood was that not even once did she ever bothered calling me and clearing out or at least ask me if I had done that… she just abused me on text and blocked me… somehow she always felt that I Neva did love her enuf… this she has personally told me… one year down the line she needed reasons as to why I loved her…I thought the main reason for this kind of behaviour was her parents disapproval… after a month of not staying in touch we got back together coz we really missed each oder a lot… she promised me that she would try reasoning out with her parents and I Neva pressed her coz I knew not all people are strong… but then after promising me she breaks up with me after an hour saying that she is too scared… again made a lil sense… people get cold feet… she freaked out… all this was taking a huge toll on m mental and physical well being…. she got back to me again and explained me that she breaks up consistently coz she fears losing me the most
    … the fights just add on to stuff… I Neva really understood this coz how can u abandon sumone whom u fear losing the most… still i made her life easier by saying that let’s just live our present to the fullest and assume we don’t have a future… still she ends up breaking up with me for the most ridiculous reasons… and when I give up on her she tries to get back… to sum it up all… when I met this girl she appeared smart and intelligent… but then I always wondered that how come sumone who loves u so much can abandon u repeatedly… how can she be so immature… I mean after breaking up so many times still she doesn’t understand the meaning of a relationship… at times she’s extremely immature
    … she is insecure and is emotionally very unstable… I love her… and have tried everything but nothing helps… she is always fearful and will always be… this is like a never ending cycle…. so is she suffering from bpd??…. coz I have never really understood this behaviour of running away repeatedly… please do help

    • Hi Sahil, apologies for the delay replying! It really does sound like she may have BPD, this cycle of running away and coming back is the ‘push-pull’ fear of abandonment she is suffering, and when you fear it that much you end up pushing people away before they can abandon you but then try to pull them back because you don’t want to be alone/without them and this cycle continues over and over until it ends, which is usually not good. You said she is ‘Emotionally unstable’ this is entirely true and also another name for BPD! She needs to get help, but you can’t ‘make’ her do this she has to want it…

  39. Sorry…. forgot to add one thing… we re currently not together coz she chose to break up… its been a month and now again she wants to get back… I’m really tired of all this… she claims she loves me more then her life but then ends up running away always…and one thing I’m extremely sure of… this female really loves me very truely…

    • It’s up to you what you decide, but if you don’t want to keep living this cycle I would suggest you shouldn’t get back together again because it will keep happening…

  40. Cannot relate. I tend to go to abusive men. So I just broke it off with my abusive ex and I am getting treatment and medication and I will not date until I can get a man who is not abusive.

  41. Dear Sharon,

    I have recently separated, for the second time, from my month-long relationship with my BPD-diagnosed boyfriend. He was the one to initiate the break-up, and he believes it’s for the best because he feels like all he’s ever felt for me was “instinctual lust”, that he can never be in a relationship because he’s “incapable” of forming an emotional connection to anyone, that we would be much better off as friends, if it’s even possible. Despite our time together, it was full of tremulous ups and downs. Even though it was short, I can’t believe so much has happened. The first time he attempted to break-up, I took the break-up with understanding and told him that I know there’s more to his words than he’s trying to show. The day before the first break-up, we had slept together for the first time, and that is when he told me that he loves me, that he had never “felt this safe” in someone’s arms since he was a baby in his own “Mother’s arms”. Later the following night, the night of the breakup, he dug horrible cuts into his arm for the second time, took photos of them, and posted them online. His online “friends” commented on the photos as if he was their own little guinea pig they were experimenting. They were interested in him only as if he was a case study, no one showed any concern or even began to tell him that what he was doing was dangerous or wrong. It was 2 AM when I saw the photos and began crying, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and immediately got into my car and rushed over to his house. I called him several times asking him to come down, and so he did, trembling down the staircase with a happy smile on his face but misery in his eyes, those layers of bandages wrapped around his forearm. I hugged him, tears in my eyes, and I wiped away the tears he was trying so hard to hide from me. I told him that it’s going to be ok, and that I had promised him that I would never abandon him, that I’d always see past his words and actions. I tried taking him to the hospital, of course, but he refused, and I did everything I could to make sure he was safe and comfortable. I got online as soon as I got home, and he told me he couldn’t stop crying because it was the first time someone was there for him when he needed someone the most. That I am “the best of them all”, a “fallen angel”, a “dream”. Eventually, and not to my surprise because I knew of his sickness, things began going down again, back up, and back down. Sometimes he’d act very cold and distant, and other times he’d be the most intimate, loving person you’d imagine. Several times when we were in the back of a taxi, he’d slowly move his hands towards mine and hold them so tightly. I could tell from the way he gripped and loosened grip through the entire ride that he was in conflict with his own thoughts and feelings towards me, and not just because we live in a society where homosexuality can get you arrested. It was his way of communicating to me what his words could never express. He cheated on me once, something I never thought I could tolerate in a relationship, but I took it with understanding.. I know he’s ill, and I know why he does everything he does. Your words have brought things a step closer into light. I want to help him, I feel I am strong enough for both of us. For now, he’s avoiding me, but I feel a big part of him is fighting it. He says he still wants to be able to contact me every now and then. I’m prepared for this, I’m expecting anything to happen. I just want to know what you think, and add suggestions if you have any 🙂 I really, really care about him, I don’t think I’d be here posting this comment right now if there was a part of me that felt too weak for this.

    • Hi H, thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear of your boyfriends difficulties, what he really needs is to get some help to manage his emotions, therapy or something like that. It is very honourable and loving of you to be willing to tolerate his behaviour to help him and love him but I caution against giving yourself too freely to him when he is not getting help. If you really want to be there for him you must set firm boundaries on what you expect from him and his behaviour or he will walk all over you and things will quickly become toxic which will be damaging to you and your own mental health, he is right that he is not really capable of forming a stable emotional connection, but that is for now and may not always be the case if he can get help. If he is avoiding you at the moment I would be careful not to push things too much in trying to maintain contact, wait for him to reach out to you but when he does be ready to be strong and firm don’t allow your love and his weakness and illness to allow him to mistreat and use you, he may not be doing it intentionally as it is just a part of having BPD to unwillingly have poor management of your behaviour but if he really values and wants to hold on to you, be it as friend or lover, he will be willing to work on improving his own skills to enable you both to have a meaningful relationship. I wish you the best of luck! Sharon 🙂

      • Thank you so much for your reply, Sharon 🙂 You’re right, I’ll be very firm next time we speak. I just don’t know how to communicate to him that he needs help without hurting him or making him feel insulted ): He’s very stubborn, as well.

  42. Thank you so very much for sharing this, and all your other posts with the world.

    The woman I have been married to for 26 years suffers with BPD and I had no idea of how to properly communicate with her when her symptoms intensified this past year.

    You described so many feelings so much better than the hundreds of pages I’ve read in an effort to educate myself on this. Now, I understand and we will both benefit from your efforts.

    I’m so glad I found your blog, keep it up, I admire your bravery and honesty.

    • Thank you Dave, I have tried to just be honest and share how it feels from my point of view. I know not everyone will see things the same way, even others with BPD but I can’t speak for other people, nor can anyone else. I just want people to see the reality from the fiction and from most of the feedback I think people consider I do a good job of it 🙂 Thank you again and best wishes for you and your wife x

  43. Hello to everyone, and thank you for the past couple of hours :-). I have just found out this blog, and it has been like having a conversation with my ex?BPD partner, who has just started me isolating (for the second time in our lives) about a week ago… We have never speaked of this situations before, nor I was aware of the BPD before.. But now that I read.. oooogh my..
    Anyway, I would like to ask anyone who had experiences like this, especially guys and girls that themself suffer from the BPD two questions.. If anyone is willing to discuss… So, the first one is about her love at all.. Cause she has never told me anything like ‘I love you, you are the one’.. she just showed it.. and I am the only person she’s actually isolating now. She accused me of being to caring and to loving. I was wondering can it be that even she herself is not aware that she loves me, just acts like that and hiding it from herself? The other question is how would you like someone who loves you to approach you. She wants an isolation, and I will give it to her, but today is very hard day, because my emotions are all over around me :-(. Previous days I was quite sure I want to talk with her and express how hurt I was, but to tell her she has to decide if she will try to keep me for further on, but today I would do and accept everything :-). Maybe I suffer from the BPD partly, to, ha? :-))
    Guys, sorry if my post is confused and bad English, because it is not my mother language, but I hope someone will be ready to discuss my thoughts.. Regards!!!

    • Hi, thanks for your comment, glad the blog is helping you understand your ex. In answer to your questions, It is difficult to know if she loves you or not because she probably doesn’t know herself, BPD causes confusion of emotions so we (I have it) find it difficult to believe our feelings and know if they are real or not. With your second question I think it would be best to allow her isolation if that is what she is asking for as she probably needs it to try and help sort her feelings out. Maybe you do suffer BPD partly too!? hehe:) Best Wishes

      • Tnx Sharon very much! Hearing about confused emotions relaxes me a lot.
        As for my BDP, I strongly believe we all have different attributes that go one way direction or another, it just depends on the percentage. You see, I am a math person, so I calculate everything divided by hundred.. Hehe.. I will stay up to your blog for sure, but in case I don’t post anymore, I send you also best whishes!

  44. Thank you, my dear. Your words have brought me an understanding why my ex-fiancee broke off with me after I had discovered her other persona in a double life of drugs, sex & debauchery in her own home. In the day, she is a devout Catholic & we even pledged celibacy until we married. She demanded we cut off contact because she was in love with her drug dealer — a man she stood by as she threatened me with grievous bodily harm if I did not leave her & her company whom I caught in an orgy that night — & that in the eyes of God I was nothing to her. She texted me a few days later to return a religious article for me at Church & saying my mom & I will always be in her prayers. It is all a mystery as she still attends Church almost daily. Perhaps our relationship would have been a painful reminder of a hypocrisy she feels is not in her control. I wish there were some way I can let her know that I will be here for her at her worst moments in life & she needs the love she seeks in our religion. Last week, I found a book that belonged to her & she refused even to look at me when I tried to return it to her in Church. For now, I can only do as she says she will do for me … pray.
    Thank you for your openness & honesty. I only wish I had understood her condition the time I caught her, managed my own pain of the discovery & knew how to deal with the situation better. All the best in your endeavours.

    • Sorry to hear about that, it sounds horrible! I think praying for her is the most you can do, given what you describe I think letting her know you will be there for her would not be met with a good response and only leave you open for being ‘used’ if she wants to take advantage of your kindness 😦
      Best wishes to you I hope you are able to recover from what you have been through.

      • Thanks for the concern too, Sharon. I had decided to go through counselling because the experience was traumatic — I suffered from insomnia, night sweat & nightmares. I’m probably suffering from depression as well because I have started to neglect my volunteer work. Studying BPD & even acknowledging features in myself that got me attracted to her in the first place has been helping me a lot. I still see her on occasion in Church & she looks like she is now suffering from anorexia as well & putting on goth make up which makes her look scarier. A common priest friend has advised me to continue to keep my distance but remain courteous & cordial & — if I’m really sincere in having forgiven her — to respect any attempt by her at reconnection, but as a friend, nothing more. My counsellor has advised me to “protect” myself first if ever that occasion happens by knowing & standing firm on my boundaries. My spiritual director urged me to, in my heart, not begrudge her the opportunity to seek the grace of God & simply continue praying for her recovery or — if she refuses professional help — a happy death where she reconciles with herself. I can’t believe that I’m still in love with her yet i understand that I must protect myself from the complexity of her condition & be kind to myself before I can be really able to help her.

      • I fully agree with both your priest friend and counsellor about being courteous and having boundaries should any reconnection occur, protecting yourself has to be your priority. I’m glad you have some good support networks to help you as you recover from your experiences 🙂

  45. Well, Sharon, hello there again. Maybe you all guys knew better than me that I will post more in the future, ha? 🙂
    Anyway, first of all I would like to ask you if it is OK with you to post things like this on this discussion, this is your personal blog, and I am putting my story here almost completely, I don’t know if it is OK? The reason I am doing this is that I feel like you and guys around here are very rare persons I can talk with right now openly and honestly.. And maybe some discussion might help all of us feel a little bit better?
    Anyway, I have a completely new situation in my BPD relationship, so I was hoping I could hear an advice / opinion from folks over here.. After three weeks of NC with me, and her having contacts with other friends, I heard that the sister of my ex?BPD is very ill, and that my BPD is spending every night in a hospital with her now. I believe it is very hard for her, and just for the old times, I would like to offer my help. I would say smtng like: “OK, our problems stay, but let’s survive this together, and after that we will see what to do”. But I am afraid of her reaction or that she might act like I am a crazy stranger offering her smtng. Any thoughts?
    Thanks in advance and best wishes!!

    • Hi, yes you are most welcome to share your story here, I like open discussions on my blog 🙂
      Sorry to hear about your ex’s sister, hope she is getting better? To be honest while she is under all the pressure and worry of her sister being ill I don’t think she would respond well to contact, even just offering support as she is likely to be in a very difficult place emotionally and her reaction may be very negative and angry. Probably best to just kind of ‘watch’ from afar and maybe try to let it be known, carefully, though friends that if she does need support the door is open for her to contact you (although I suspect she wouldn’t!) hope this helps 🙂

      • Hey Sharon! I read your reply this morning, and the “I suspect she wouldN’T” part rather confused me. I thought to my self: “OK, either Sharon put negation by a mistake, or that girl is just not that into me, she won’t call”.. And guess what.. she called in the mean time.. Heheh.. So, now I runaway to read part “how to talk to a person with BDP”, and ask you to keep your fingers crossed for both of us! Should I mention that I am scared to death before our next seeing eachother :-(.
        Regards distant friend!

      • Hey 🙂 I’m not sure what I meant there but if she has called then it probably doesn’t matter hehe. I hope it has gone well since the call? I have my fingers crossed for you, but please be careful and look after yourself! 🙂

  46. Hello this hit the mark for me glad i found this page i too recently had these this happen to me i meet this girl about 4 months ago the first two months were great she was so loving and caring she would always be there for me when ever i needed something i too treated her the same way. She would say u are my soulmate u are the perfect man for me u treat me so kindly and have lots of patience with me she would say that no one had ever made her feel this way we would talk on the phone for hours on end and spend lots of happy moments together in about the 2 months she started to act jealous of my friends and family i have a big heart my true friends who have being there for me in the bad times and goods times have helped me and i have to helped them and same goes for my family she would see it as a bad thing for me to help them so much she would say everytime i ask my family for something i have to give them money u know things like that i would tell her that well some people are like that and some people truly help you with nothing in return they do exist and she would say that people like that don’t exist those were the first little problems that after that she would get jealous if i would visit my friends or my family so i agreed with her and started to spend less time with my friends and family and gave her almost all my time. After that we had planed to go out dancing i forgot put my shoes in the car when i arrived at her house i told her what had happend she got angry with me saying how she would feel trapped and that she couldn’t do anything now that i was in her life when just about a day back she said on how she couldn’t live with out me and that she hoped that i never left her. Soon after that it was good again than about a week had pasted my phone rang and it was my mother calling she quickly said it was probably some girl and someone i was cheating with i even pass the phone to her to speak with my mother when i did that she got more angry with me later that night we went out for dinner she was constantly saying that i was looking at all the women that passed by i would say i love u and i will not disrespect you like that ever she followed by saying you men are all alike and compared me to her past boyfriends she would say things like i’m always the one who has to settle or twist my arm in this relationship i can’t tell u anything or u get mad and out of the blue she would tell me are u mad u looked angry or sad when i wasn’t it got so bad that i ended the relationship after i did that she called me left me tons of texts of how could i let her down she would bad mouth me with her family only telling her side of the story on how bad of a man of was with her then she would text me back how she was sorry and she would change so went back together i did love this women after all after that it was never the same like the first month she would that be angry or feel sad for no reason no matter what she never felt happy my brother got married and he was waiting to move into a new apartment so i told him to stay with me for a little for the time he waited to get his new apartment she told me that she didn’t like me staying with my wife’s brother alone she would accuse me of me sleeping with her it was really bad i could not take it anymore and the end she told me that she could not trust me anymore and that she could not be with a person that she could not trust i don’t think she can’t anyone not even her family she also sad that she had to time for a relationship when it was always the opposite i tried to stay friends with her but she would always get upset with me and blame me for the break up and change she would get she would mention it i than ended up leaving her completely i have never had this type of experience happen to me before it has being tough on me i think more mental drain than anything now after a month has gone by i feel a little better and now me reading this i can go on feeling less to blame on how i could of being more there for her and more understanding now i understand that i could not and ending this relationship was the best thing thank you

    • Yes, I agree completely ending this relationship was for the best, she clearly had so many difficulties but if she was not willing to try and get help and get better it would only continue to be a very toxic situation 😦 sorry you had this experience, I hope you are managing to recover now! 🙂

  47. Most people will never know the pain of truely loving a bpd and giving all u ttruly have to show them just to be pushed away!

    • Hello, I had written earlier and my post can be found at “A sweet relationship turned to hell”. I can and do indeed understand your pain, frustration and angst and perhaps all the emotions you are experiencing regarding this potential horrendous loss you are now suffering. After two years with my ex girlfriend, I am still not over the intense feelings I had for her. After all her sweetness initially and also stating that i was the best in her life, she now became the “other” persona. While every one who suffers with BPD is different, most take on very similar traits per this “disorder” in various klevels of intensity. I am a state licensed nurse and have practiced numerous years with psychiatric patients so I perhaps have an edge in on the diagnostics, etc. My ex put me through court and she gained the authorities belief in that she is the “victim” on all counts and continued to file grievance correspondence and victim claim forms to the various courts, attorneys, notified the victim advocacy group, the adult protective services in order to make me into a criminal because she thought i was some sexual predator. I was not only appalled, but confused and clinically depressed, for how can I love some one and that the same time realize i must end this horrendous painful journey before it gets any worse. She then tried, however unsuccessfully, to have my state license revoked. Then proceeded to notify all my friends that i was a psychopath and sociopath and a sex predator, etc. This consumed my entire life for ONE year. I lost my job on account of her and potentially my career because now I have a background check that is no longer good…………..no thanks to her. She is on a rampage trying to ruin me. BPD has atleast four (4) stages. the first is the loving stage where you become their every thing. The second is the “clinging” stage. Then the third is the yelling/raging stage and finally the violent stage. Later comes the “cutting self haterd stage. “Mine” has a dual persoanlity like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. She also dables with the “dark” side, self medicates and is not on any psychiatric medication nor approved treatment. If your BPD partner has any or atleast part of what I had stated here, the best thing is to try and “convert” the relationship into a friendship, because they WILL change given the cycle of this mental disorder/emotional dysregulation or simply cut your heavy emotional losses and “RUN”. i pray and meditate most every day she is doing better and will seek the treatment she deserves, but now I must love myself.

      • I hope Mike sees your comment Peter, thank you so much for sharing your experience. Well done for having the strength to break free and love yourself, I hope you are doing okay 🙂

      • i got to the stage of yelling had i stayed more time with her it would had gotten worse to the point of her cutting her self in the end she told me that when she was 14 she self mutilation and that she has not done it since once in a while she tries to contact me when i answer she is in the loving stage the i won;t hurt a fly and understanding stage she would always make me out to be the bad guy she would say another one to my list who did me wrong i felt so bad and hurt inside cause it was all the opposite i helped her move out of her old trailer house which was one room and she has two children i got her new furniture and a new lease for a 3 bedroom trailer really nice i did that for her and her kids unselfishly as soon as i left about 1 week the guy who i sign the lease to call me up and said sir you can not have any more ppl laving in your trailer that are not in your list so i called her up and told me that she could not be alone that she always needs someone at her side always that really hurt me alot with all my heart i took her out and her kids to try to give them a better life for them not so that she could bring her ex into that new trailer yet she would always say how her ex would always beat her up and now she is back with him in the end i just want for her to fix her life to get help but i don’t think she wants it i will not answer her calls anymore i can’t stop my life everytime she calls i have to move on with mine no matter how much a listen to her she won’t listen to me this has to end

      • Hi Anonomys, thanks for your comment, hope Peter see’s it so he can respond 🙂 I hope you manage to get over what you have been through 😦

      • I am responding to the person who wrote June 24th at 9:45pm per Sharon’s request. While I am not a Psychiatric professional, I am a State Licensed Nurse and have several years working with psychiatric patients in lock down wards, clinics, etc. As I read your correspondence to Sharon. I am finding you to be consumed by your girlfriends motives and behavior. It is vitally important you recognize that beyond what you can help her with, you also have an issue called “co-dependence”. While the name codependence has been given a bad “rap”, in my opinion people who have care-giving skills should not be judged as such. While we “have that” condition at times, it is important to recognize when we went “too far” and accept the fact that we can no longer help this person out who is suffering from BPD. AS you know this mental disorder has everything to do with emotional dysregulation, the cycle will repeat itself. I would not suggest you “go back” as you had during/after the violent stage to try and fix/help her in the way you had initially because as I am reading your blog, you are being consumed by her and hence are also going down the same path she is by your perhaps trying to enable/understand her. Us who are co-dependent must realize how we react with people who have BPD and conciously make an effort to control the temptation to “help”. We need to put more FUN into our lives and resume a life of happiness and responsibility as for the most part, those with BPD, do not have the later. They tend to lean on us for their support because for the most part they did not have that support during the early stage of their lives. Our entire being/energy can cget onsumed, then we too get pulled into the “disorder”/tornado. We must learn to love ourselves and definitely seek out the opportunity for therapy as I have and am. It is hard I know, but through our journey we can and will re-learn the art of coping and thence direct our life towards a journey which is healthier. The support system of friends and family is huge. Please get help as you are feeling pulled towards her in the way that you do. I sincerely hope this helps any one who reads this. Thank you for the opportunity Sharon.

  48. Thank you for sharing and being so brave, your experience helps us all. I am in the same situation as you and it’s really hard. I support him financially so I have to wait that he leaves me when he is finacially independent and it’s killing me. I hope things went okay for yiu and yiu found peace. All the best to you.

    • Thank you, I hope you manage to get your freedom soon. In many ways I’m doing great but still a long way to go to find peace! One day I will get there 🙂

    • Hi “Anonymous” and Sharon. Thank you for the opportunity to leave a reply as I do sometimes. Amidst all that I am going through as a result of much of what “she has done to me and our relationship” even though it does take “two to do the tango”, I realize my errs, but I am also beginning to realize the “spider web” I was drawn in too, the feeling of her “poison” as it had inoculated me. Then the cataclismic “fall” of both of us into the ebb and depth of the tornado we had both endured and for so long. Her “black magic” sure did not help anything, merely intensified everything else and events that had occurred and the continued very real feeling of her putting somewhat of a hidden “spell” on me from the distance and not simply because I am thinking of her daily. It is something that “normal functioning” people do not do. I really have a heart, have very deep feelings towards her still and because I do, it is very hard to “let go”, if at all. I will never forget about this nor will i ever fully overcome every thing that had occurred because it is still occuring in my heart every day. That “feeling” of being free from it all and simply “shaking it off’ or “moving on” is almost impossible for those of us who had really cared and still do. A huge part of us not only wants too, but is still in love like I am. It makes it harder. All the therapists in the world can not solve our non-BPD issues at hand. They can perhaps prevent us from becoming insane. It is up to us to cause the initial “release”, the break we need to keep and maintain a healthy outlook on life. It came to my attention that the basics of life are extremely important now. How my energy was drawn away from me, sucked out of my conciousness is now not any surprise to me. These basics should not be avoided. In order to “start” loving ourselves again, we need to eat right, sleep well, exercise. Usually, as I had experienced, it starts working slowly, but One must keep at it. Time does not necessarily heal. The knowledge of knowing that “we” can heal and become “whole” yet again has much spiritual strength. Surround yourself with positive thinking people, family and great friends. This will heal the wounds eventually. Talking and sharing with people who understand is very important in the journey towards ultimate healing and optimum health. : ) ❤

      • Hi Peter, time may not heal but it can make it easier to cope and as you saying loving yourself is vital to being able to move on, even if you never forget or let go. Good luck on your journey! x

  49. Here’s a question. I am diagnosed with BPD. It happened after my boyfriend had a freak out during an argument and dumped me. With all the behavior he has exhibited since then, I’m pretty sure he has it too, but he refuses to even look into it. Whenever something becomes too much for him, he puts a band aid on it and pretends like nothing is wrong. I want for things to work out between us, but because he’s so confused about what he wants and how to make himself feel better, the best I could do was step away and lay out why we shouldn’t see each other for a little bit, as i felt he was still relying on me for comfort even while he spins around with a push/pull cycle that kept putting me in vulnerable places. I miss him every day and I wish I could help him, but I have no idea if creating distance will actually do anything. I don’t even know if he misses me.

    • If he has BPD and won’t admit even to himself that he has a problem there is not a lot you can say or do that would help, you will know how his thought processes are working due to having BPD yourself, but until he accepts his problem you will only experience the horrendous push/pull repeatedly, which you don’t need having to cope with on top of your own BPD emotions. It is impossible to know if he misses you or if the distance will make any difference as he most likely cycles between missing you and caring and not 😦

  50. I understand that you feel guilty and don’t want to hurt this person anymore, but, as someone DATING someone with BPD, I can disagree. As much as she tries to push me away and sometimes even trying to make it look like I’m leaving her even though I have no intention on doing so, I’m perfectly happy being with her despite the stress I get from her sudden suicidal behaviors. She still attempts to break-up with me but comes back a day later apologizing to me and, well, the make-up is always so good. I don’t know about her, but I actually enjoy the roller-coaster ride. It makes me feel alive and I love her more than anything and would do anything for her.

    She says the exact same things that you do, but it’s understandable to feel that way even though, honestly, my feelings aren’t really fragile. Other than her own problems, worries and doubts, I don’t take her insults or threats too seriously. You should know that people who date someone with BPD, despite what you may or may not think, eventually adapt to them. People with BPD have their own way of trying to keep a relationship going and you should know that there are people who are tolerant enough to accept that they can ‘manipulate’ and have impulse issues to get what they want.

    I love her and always will, no matter what. A lot of people advise me against it but hey, we always see the sun after a storm, right?

      • It may do as (my son has aspergers) there are lot’s of similarities in the emotional capacity of BPD’s and aspergers, I was seeing a guy for a while after breaking up with my ex who had it too and his apathy to certain things and own emotional states seemed to balance me out and helped me stabilise at a time when I needed some grounding to help me get better after leaving my ex 🙂

    • It’s great that you are able to be like that and your BPD partner is very lucky to have you. In my situation he would on the surface offer undying love and support but his actions (controlling and manipulating) spoke louder and being with him only made my BPD worse, so for me it was best to get out, he was not like you. I am a lot better now and hope one day to find someone who can handle me without enabling or encouraging my bad behaviours but accepting of and able to help me through the rough patches 🙂

  51. Hi Showard,
    First off, I think it’s pretty brave of you to put yourself out there like this. It definitely helps reading the insight from someone who actually suffers from BPD and seeing what they’re going through.
    My story: probably a common one, but incredibly painful nontheless. I was dating someone about a year ago and for the first time in my life, I thought ‘this is the guy I am going to marry’. We are both in our early 30’s and we just an intense connection and could talk for hours. Anyway, he had been divorced before (6 years ago his ex wife left him on his b-day with no closure and he claimed he never was able to get over that pain and he would never put someone through that..). I always could sense something was different about him; he was hyper-sensitive and seemed to question me a lot when I would seem more confident about myself. He never quite understood ‘happy’ people yet he wanted so badly to find the wife and have the kids–telling me it was going to be me. He’s an incredibly successful surgeon and one of the reasons I fell for him is b/c he’s one of the few that actually cares so much more about the patient than the $$. He would get attached to his dying patients, and admitted to me he knew it was unhealthy but that he just seemed to connect more to those that were unhappy/struggling and in pain. I guess that should’ve been a sign there, but I had no idea about this thing called ‘BPD’ and just thought he was extra sensitive. He did say his mom often accused him of having a ‘persecution complex’ and I remember having to google that to see all in which it entailed. He had a strange relationship with his family and really seemed to have anger towards his mom, who he said during his childhood really made him feel like he was never good enough, so it got to a point where he would act out just to get in trouble, since it seemed like he couldn’t please them anyway. Again, I just thought this was someone opening up to me, I didn’t really think he was suffering from much, much more . We dated for about 4 intense months and the fights started to occur. Now, I have to be honest when I say I caused a few of them….they were your typical arguments–I think one time I got mad at him for being late and he never let that go and actually dumped me the first time we got into an arugment. That is where the pattern of ‘break-up/make-up started and never stopped. What would be a silly argument turned into a week of me begging for him not to bail on this relationship and go tto a point where i was neglecting everything else by putting in all my energy to help him. Fast forward to last Feb. We had our last argument and he said it was for sure, 100% over. Not really believing him, I called his bluff and still tried fighting tooth and nail to save it. He then said ‘he just needed some space and wanted a future with me, but needed to try and break the pattern we had’…so I obliged. Then, it seemed i was ‘out of sight, out of mind’. The more I would fight for him and tell him I missed him, the more he would dissect my words into negative and use that as reasons we weren’t going to work out. Then he’d send an insanely romantic email about how he had so much hope for our future but his heart isn’t there quite yet anymore, and needs more time. Then….he called me right after my bday in March, and said it was 100% over and I needed to move on, as he has. I was shocked and nothing made sense to me so I begged for some sort of explanation why. (I was a mess and I am sure my cries didn’t help…but it was hard..very hard for me to let him go). He just turned so cold and told me he had made up his mind and for me to leave him alone for awhile so we could ‘both heal’. I had a trip planned to Belize with some of my friends and went–i had posted some pics on FB that were pretty harmless, but there were my guy friends in the pics…and I guess he had decided to get back on FB (he cancelled his account for 7 months) and he must’ve seen those pics b/c he defriended everyone mutual except one friend, and then posted a pic of him and a new girl and put ‘in a relationship’. I cringe at even wrtiting this b/c it sounds so juvenile that at 32 years old, people would behave this way. I just remember staring at the pic and wondering how after just 14 days could he have a brand new relationship. It made no sense to me….and he HATED FB with a passion and always mocked ppl that put ‘in a relationship’ and I was extremely close to his family, so for him to shame me that way, I am just curious if his family thought anything of it. ANYWAY, I didn’t make contact with him at all and just got off FB all together. I did send a pretty honest email to him 3 months later, basically telling him how cold and selfish I thought his actions were and how he hurt me and pretty much did to me what he claimed his ex did to him (which now I question on how sincere that story was..) He obviously didn’t respond but just last week he sent me a box with some things I left behind with no note, nothing. I mean I just figure a ‘hey, haven’t talked in 6 months but found these things at my house’ and that’s it? I don’t know why I care, well, I care because I feel like I never existed to him. It bothers me. A lot. I called him and left him a V< a few days ago just thanking him for sending me my stuff and told him I'd like to talk to just clear the air between us and how it seemed pointless to end things so badly. I obvs don't expect to hear from him, but with no closure for me, it was the last thing I could try to do. It makes no sense, but reading this does help me a little bit. I guess my question is: Are you really able to convince your mind that a person you once loved or cared for just doesn't exist? Or is it possible that I got to him so much, I got too close to him, and the thought of talking to me again is just too painful? I only ask b/c it helps me understand.
    Sorry for the novel. I haven't talked about this, much less written this out before.

    • Hi Aspen,
      Sorry for the delay replying! a lot of what you say sounds familiar to me, strangely though, while I was the one to break things off, it was my non-bpd ex who acted in more of the ways you describe than me! He too was very quickly ‘in a relationship’ with someone else and cold towards me despite him begging me to stay and claiming I had broken his heart… I can understand your need for closure and wanting to talk to him but I think it may be easier for you to take his cold, harsh attitude as the closure you seek? As for if we can convince our mind that the person we once loved does not exist, yes very much so, horrible as it sounds for me on the (very rare, 4 times in total) I have cut someone out of my life permanently it is almost like they are dead. I have a grieving period (where I am vulnerable to them if they are trying to keep hold of me, but being cold towards them to ensure they stay away) but once that period is over it is like they never existed (it’s actually really sad). BUT, even though this is true I would also say that the reason for it is also exact;y what you ask – it is too painful for us (for many different reasons, depending on the person/relationship). Hope this helps? Sharon x

  52. Good article, I was with my BPD partner for about 4 years, she recently broke things off with me out of no where in July and started seeing another within about a month after that the weird thing is she is now holding onto this guy who has left out of state for college. Things make a lot more sense now I’ve researched BPD, I wish I had researched this earlier on, I still care for and love her and hope she gets the help she needs someday. Its very hard for me to move on from her and now I fear she never really loved me and just used me for an attachment purposes. It hurts knowing she could move to someone else so fast. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to see some type of psychiatrist?

    • Hi, yes it wouldn’t hurt for you to seek some help in getting over this for yourself. The end of a relationship with someone with BPD can be very traumatic and there is no shame in needing some help, even just someone to talk to, to help you heal. Go for it 🙂

  53. Thank you for this great article. Although I read so much already, real life experiences come sometimes so harsh and unexpectedly. I still look for anwers, but perhaps there aren’t any. It is that I came too close to my friend/lover, that he now wants to be left alone.. Do ”they” do this to the people who they love the most? I have seen him at his lowest, and althouhg I said that is what friends are for and he should never feel ashamed, it seems to backfir because he is afraid of getting hurt. Does that mean he is already in love with me? I so want to be there for me, but it is hard when someone you love can be so cold and devil like. Sorry to bother you all, thanks for this great atricle..e at me. He say he doesn’t want to fall in love iwith me

    • Hi, Yes, it can be very hard to understand how someone with BPD is feeling because we can be so torn in ourselves and uncertain of our feelings. I hope you manage to get some answers… 🙂

  54. Hi Showard76

    I really enjoyed your article as its very insightful. Indeed a relationship with someone who has BPD is quite the life event. Nothing like one would experience from a normal relationship. Here is my story. I would consider myself a beta male. Not co-dependent or people pleasure but one who is independent and respects other peoples feeling values etc. My story begins with a women at my work in the same department. We got to know each other by means of working on projects together. She was fun and imaginative and easy to work with. In time she started to get flirtatious with me via text and verbal. At first I played it off as I figured she was not serious but soon after I got hooked. So when I replied to her advances she would push me off. So when I did not engage in her play further she again drew me back in. Push and pull over a period of 6 months. I came to a point and clearly said I was interested in her and had done so several times until she finally said “you are?” why is it the boys I truly like are the ones I clearly don’t see. She got emotional and asked if I knew this other guy at my work. When she said his name I was like yes I know him and I think he is a jerk. She admitted that she slept with him. I was taken back by it but respected she told me. My gut instincts told me to run but foolishly I did not. Anyway to make things more complicated we both have a common friend which this woman who had BPD did not realize that she was like a sister to me. SO when I told her she also did not like it but said for me to give her a chance. Anyway I did we dated for 4 months . Warning signs she gave me were the LOVE bombs and bought me gifts but I also gave her gifts back. She made advances which no guy in there right mind would turn down. Only I did not take advantage as I really fell for her and wanted other aspects of the relationship to develop before going to that level. My co-worker (sister) agreed as my BPD GF would always complain on what’s wrong with him. She defended me saying nothing you finally met a guy worth having. So she was somewhat patient but every date would remind me of a hotel. Anyway I met her family and began to understand her better. She was the youngest one in the family of all girls. Her mother was cold and moody so that’s when I started to clue in on my GF. I had a feeling her family may not have liked me as soon after like 2 weeks she broke it off with me by saying if you see someone else go for it. I was like really serious? So I called her bluff because I did not want the roller coaster ride anymore. A week later she begs me to take her back but at the same token blames me for shutting her out. I caved in as I really fell for her even though my peer said I should not. Anyway it was a moot point as when I was with her this time my feelings were not the same. I also felt in our brief break up she shacked up with some guy as I never took advantage when she was with me. She denied it when I asked if she did? Anyway after a month I ended it over the phone and then she had the nerve to say we never broke up because we never were together.
    So I did not disagree because it was pointless. She constantly blamed me for everything when we were together. She lied manipulated controlled and cheated on me! unfortunately I have to deal with her at work as she came back after being a way from work sometime. Questions: Should I expect at anytime she would want me back? Considering that all the men in her life who took advantage would I stand out for being that perfect gentleman. Next should I be concerned of any revenge ploy by her. Also can I ever expect to have any type of relationship with her? I still don’t harbor any ill because I am educated on BPD will but she avoids me so is that normal? Reading articles on BPD I believe she never loved me and only wanted to use me. After this experience would you agree? Lastly my friend knows and backs me up, but is constantly bothered by my ex what words of advise do you have for her? Too bad I cant be more like Max (in previous comment above) but 2 things I cant stand are LIES and CHEATING as they are deal breakers. I try not to be judgmental but it seems from other posts that people with this disorder have those traits in common. Thanks again for your blog , your insights and feedback in advance. I find the more people share the better off we all are:)

    • Hi, Sorry for the delay replying. Sorry to hear what you have been through. To answer your questions… It depends on her ‘splitting’ as to whether she may want you back or not, if she paints you black and cut’s you off it will be like you never existed to her, but equally your ‘relationship’ with her could be an on/off thing over and over for a long time. Her avoiding you is one of many possible normal reactions, but an indicator that you don’t exist any more to her, educing the possibility of any kind of relationship at all. The chances of just being friends with her now are slim. Revenge wise it depends, most of us wouldn’t be bothered other than possibly flaunting our conquests around you, if she is the revengeful type I don’t know what you could expect as I’m not that way inclined myself. I think it is very fair for you to have the boundary that lies and cheating are deal breakers, you should expect mutual respect in a relationship and that means no lying or cheating so fair play to you! I cannot stand lying or cheating myself, which may sound hypocritical given that I have cheated (but lying is something I am virtually incapable of, other than by omission which is complicated…). To be honest I think the best thing you can do is move on and forget trying to have any kind of relationship with this woman as you are likely only to get hurt again if you try…

      • Thanks will take your advice at least I’m educated thanks to people like yourself educating the masses who do not have BPD. It kills me she will waste her life away one guy to the next but like noted in other blogs not something that’s in our control. I wish like any other “disorder or sickness” that it did not exist. I wish all mankind were healthy body n mind. Its tragic reading these stories and feel for both parties involved more so the ones with BPD who do not except that they have a problem. Power to you and appreciate your honesty and articulate answer. Thanks again! Wish you the best:)

      • Thank you and you are most welcome. Indeed the only person that can control what we do is ourself in the end, some of us need help to be able to learn how to control ourselves in a less damaging (for us and others) way, but not everyone will seek/accept/follow any help offered 😦

  55. hi .. i would like your opinion on the current issue i have with my ex gf of 2 years .. she recently broke it of with me about a month ago .. a few things which i believed brought out her fear of abandonment which caused her out of the blue to say she does not love me anymore and that i deserve some one who can love me as much as i love her .. i was left shattered and heart Brocken and still am to this day .. her nan passed away who she was close to and her new job is really demanding .. she started to ignore me and shut me out completely.. i got a professional opinion on my current situation which left me with no real answers to find a way of winning back the girl i truly love .. since the break up our mutual friends tried to get a answer out of her she just replies with i don’t know i just don’t love him anymore .. I went nc with her for 4 weeks in that time she has been having partys and having friends over her house including inviting my mates over and inviting my sister her birthday .. which was hurting me because she was acting like i never existed.. just last week out of the blue i sent her a message saying hey how are you .. smily face im ready to talk if you want to meet up .. she replied saying we can talk if you want to she was surprised i messaged her and she was a little bit scared .. i said yes it would be a good idea she said she cant for a few days as she is busy but will contact me the following week because she is not busy and she understood why i shut her out for so long with out talking to her even though she insisted on staying friends which i refused .. now im stuck with what to do now and how to approach her knowing that she has these issues and shes willing to meet up and talk .. im worried she has moved on already and that she has no feelings what so ever for me .. she said i was the best guy she has ever had and i know she did truly love me at some stage . i just need to know how to approach her in this meeting so i can either get closure or get back with her .. if you could help me i would appreciate it ..

    • hi, I’m not really sure what to advise, I guess the best thing would be to try not to have any hopes or expectations. Go in as a ‘friend’ and potentially at that first meeting try to avoid discussion of emotions and relationships, just stick to ‘safe’ topics so you can get a feel for where she is in her own life at this time. Maybe if it goes well and you meet again then you can try gently touching on more emotional subjects. Treading carefully has to be the key thing, don’t rush in or let her rush you. Small steps… Good luck!

  56. Hi Showard76.

    Thank you for an amazing read and for giving us a better understanding of relationships which include BPD. I hope you are still open to givinh me some advice, there hasnt been a post for a couple of weeks. I am a non BPD sufferer.
    Id just like to tell you my story , if you dont mind.
    I met a beautiful girl and we instantly hit it off. We dated for a year and a half but have been broken up for about nearly 3 weeks now. In the beggining I did notice her taking medication and I asked why politely. She informed me that she suffers from depression and so does her family. I didnt think much of it and I decided to obviously move forward with her. As we got to know each other better we started to speak of the past and divulge a bit of our history which I thought was a great way to understand one another and get close emotionally. This was around the 6 months mark*. Then her stories became a bit deeper. I discovered that she had been subjected to childhood abuse from her father and her mother was not there to help, instead her mom became addicted to sleeping tablets which meant my gf was alone fending for herself and little sister for a few long years. That saddened me because I had an experience from my grandfather which I openly told her, we grew so much closer because we could in someway or another understand and connect through certain terrible events in our past.
    Not long after that things started happening … there were arguments more regularly etc. Fast forwarding now to about a year of dating. I found myself starting to apologise for everything. Incidents were getting worse. I am a pretty laid back person, but when I am pushed and prodded to many times a can lash out ( just like most others). As soon as I lashed out she would instantly shut off her emotions ie she wouldn’t talk to me, wouldnt acknowledge me and she would want a break up. She was going through a tough 14 weeks for her PRAC. I was there for her and supported her every second. This is where I saw a HUGE change in her. She would call me and literally pick a fight with me for no reason and then decide to break up with me after the phone call but then the next day she would cry and apologise and say she didnt mean it and she was so stressed. This happened nearly every week for 12 weeks! As you can imagine, I was an emotional wreck. She kept somehow turning the blame on me. I was constantly confused as to how things were so up and down and so often. You must understand … I also made mistakes and did my fare share wrong but what I started to find A LOT in my case was ” the punishment was not fitting the crime”. Id make a small mistake and id be treated like a murderer and then she breaks up with me.
    I loved her and always stayed with her but I was subjected to increasingly more of these mood swings.
    A few months ago it started getting to a point where I was apologising for everythin. All I wanted was things that any normal relationship has… I wanted UNDERSTANDING and FORGIVENESS. Its strange now that when I look back.. I was constantly asking for forgiveness, begging for her to understand my point of view and always the one to try and be positive and make things work.
    It all came to an end about 2 and a half weeks ago where we went camping. Things were great and we were enjoying some wine and myself a few beers. My friends were there and were joking and teasing me and I started getting annoyed. Anyways.. one thing led to another and I got into an argument with my gf. Things spiralled out of control and I just snapped! I think its from all the times she would not listen, nor forgive . All the times I had been strong and positive for us ,only for her to blame me. All the times she broke up with me for the smallest of things. So after our argument u should already know the pattern of events… she shut down emotionally. Cold hearted and calculated. She broke up with me again and has made everything my fault.

    This brings us to present day: she has deleted me from facebook , going so far as to even block me. Deleted me from whatsapp and wants nothing to do with me. She never once mentioned to me that she could be a BPD sufferers but taking frm what ive been through, im 100% sure she is. I would like to know a few things. She studied and has a degree in psychology. How can she not know what she is doing? How can she not see that she is hurting me? Through everything I have put up with and all I have done, she treats me like I dont exist. I cannot explain to you how painfull it is. Giving everything and getting nothing!
    What happens now? Is she feeling sad or upset? Is she missing me? Will she find another guy straight away. The last thing she said to me was… dont worry about her being with other guys because she wont. She said she isnt going drinking at to night clubs and she has learned to respect herself. Oh and shes renewing her faith. Can I believe this????
    Is she telling the truth?.

    I look back…. she started dating me 3 weeks after her and her ex broke up. She said that he was a horrible bf and was abusive and stole A LOT of money from her mom. I feel I believe her but il be heartbroken if I find out she has found another guy and slept with him within 3 weeks of us breaking up. I know everyone is different .
    Its just very strange … she is like a wolf dressed in a sheeps clothing. She can be so amazingly sweet and loving yet she can be downright heartless and cold.

    Im left her licking my wounds and hurt because firstly I feel she lied to me and didnt divulge her true medical condition . I asked politely for her to see her phycologist but she made excuses and didnt want to. Secondly im left with nothing . I gave everything I had and actually helped her so much with regards to her self esteem issues and self worth. I was alwsys there for her YET now I feel its all my fault and she pretends I dont exist. How do I move forward? I feel like im a prisoner in my own mind. Its extremely mentally debilitating.

    Please if you could answer my questions id wholeheartedly appreciate it.

    • Hi thanks for sharing your story. It is very common to a lot of the comments I get on here! To answer your questions…
      How can she not know what she is doing? How can she not see that she is hurting me? – Intelligence and a degree in Psychology have no bearing on the BPD, when we are unwell with it we really can’t see what we are doing, to ourselves or others, in a normal logical way. We can’t control a lot of what we do, it’s like being in a speeding out of control car destined to crash but someone else has the steering wheel, we are just the unwilling passenger unable to stop the events we can see unfolding in front of us from happening.
      What happens now? Is she feeling sad or upset? Is she missing me? I can’t say how she is feeling as it will depend on whether or not she is splitting, and many other factors. She could very well be feeling sad, upset and missing you but equally she may be happy and glad its over and almost like you don’t/didn’t exist.
      Will she find another guy straight away? Can I believe this???? Is she telling the truth? Again difficult to tell, she might not go with another guy straight away, but she also might crave comfort in the form of non-committal sexual pleasure. Equally she could be telling the truth but could also just be saying what she thinks you want to hear.
      Sorry that may not sound very helpful as I’ve not be able to give you clear answers, but that is how things are with BPD, you never known what’s gonna happen, but often it will not be what you expect…
      You mention several times that you ‘lost it’ and ‘snapped’ etc, can I ask do you mean just verbally or physically?
      It is possible that she does not now the true nature of her illness and has only been diagnosed with depression, many times doctors tried to tell me I had depression but I knew it was more than that, deeper, but not everyone does or if they do they are too scared to confront it and find out what it is.
      Moving forward yourself now is something you have to take one day at a time, you are going through a process similar to grief because of the intensity of the relationship, it may be worth getting some help short-term yourself, a bit of counselling. there’s not much else I can suggest because moving on is just something you do have to find your own way to doing. I do wish you the best of luck in moving forward 🙂

      • Thank you for your reply. Please excuse any spelling errors due to me typing from my phone. To answer your question, no , never physical. .. it was a verbal feud. Id like to know.. are there varying severities of symptoms with regards to BPD? Does EVERY Bpd sufferer crave random sexual intamacy?? , surely not?. I can say that I do know my ex’s past due to my city being reasonably smallish’ and from what I know she hasnt “slept around”. I know it may be a silly question but can a bpd tell a truth whilst they are splitting you black? Its been a month now since we broke up and I am slowly moving forward. The pain is still here and my thoughts do sometimes still stray in her direction ie I think what she may be doing etc. I have been reading a lot about recovery from a BPD relationship and I know its more difficult compared to a normal relationship. I can say that I am controlling my thoughts better cause the more I think of her ,the more pain it causes me…. which feels as if she has more power over me. Do bpd’s sometimes realise their mistakes and try to re engage a relationship? I pretty much know that it will be destructive and I have no hopes to be honest. Im sure that time heals all wounds.

      • Yes the severity of symptoms can vary immensely between people with BPD, given that there are 9 criteria for diagnosis with a requirement to fulfil 5 to achieve diagnosis, making over 200 ways to be diagnosed people with BPD can be so completely different from each other you may not think they have the same condition… although from what I have discovered it seems certain characteristics are more common than others, random sexual intimacy does seem to come up quite often as a problem a lot of us do have, but by no means all. Just as I have found the violent/dangerous/manipulative types to be less common in the general population (but more common amongst prison/secure hospitalised BPD’s). Telling the truth is another thing, for me lying is extremely difficult (near impossible to a person’s face) yet others seem to stream lies as though they are truths so much they even believe what they are saying themselves… Yes some BPD’s may try to re-engage a relationship, for many different reasons (including recognising their own mistakes) but in most circumstances allowing this to happen is likely to be a bad move and things may be great initially but if the BPD has not changed it won’t be long before the same patterns emerge again and things become toxic again 😦

      • Thanks again Sharon.

        It seems to me that my ex bpd gf actually negatively convinces herself that I am a “monster”. Thats definitely what hurts a lot. Also, the way I just get brutally shunted from her life. Its very scary to know that one minute you are the love of their life then the next, just a stranger. I guess im battling to move on cause by nature I seem to be a fixer and I dont like seeing people battle. Now I seem to have been dragged down with her and im left with an instinctual need to STILL try help and make her aware of what she has done. I gather she may never understand nor feel remorse. I need to move on and tell myself that she isnt my obligation anymore.

      • She never was your obligation but I can understand your desire to help/fix/rescue, I am by nature a rescuer myself (This is part of the Drama Triangle from Transactional Analysis – might be worth looking it up to see how you go from ‘rescuer’ to ‘persecutor’ with her in ‘victim’ state). Good luck and best wishes in your healing x

    • Hello Ty. I am in my 50’s and also, like you, am a “NON-BPD” sufferer, however as you can tell by what you are going through, you too are very much suffering in agony. I had suffered greatly as well. The relationship was mentally debilitating! I am also a state licensed nurse. I had a girlfriend, like you, who did exactly the same as what you have mentioned here. It is almost a picture postcard sampler of the similar events that took place with me. She also blocked me from Facebook ,etc and made me out to look as though I was completely at fault. She spread slanderous comments to the public about me and my friends telling them that I was a sociopath, psychopath, etc., etc., etc.. Please remember, “these pepople ARE truely ill”. There is no way around it!!! They require medication. She was not on any medication at the time. She, as I had discovered on my own, very much later, was involved with witchcraft as well!!! ………………..And dope extensively. That was used basically to “tame the horse which drives her mind”. My discovery was indeed extremely sad. She was coaxing me to marry her. yet accused me of cheating with the world. I wanted to marry her, but also very much knew that something was very wrong. Did I love her, should you ask??? She was the most awesome woman that i had ever met at first and for a long time, until I made the grim discovery. Why did I think she was so awesome? “They” hide behind their childhood wounds and the mental illness, blaming “you” for every thing “they actually are”. They don’t ever want to know that they are flawed in any way. They will say that to you though!!! They are already on the verge of “splitting’ you from the get go!!! They know how to become an expert chameleon from the get go to make others like and love them. They want to be liked and loved just like anyone else. They become a chameleon. Because of their disorder, they hide from the public because they have much “shame”, and realize they are infact flawed. They push most people and mainly the ones that love them most, AWAY! They also have windows of awareness where they realize they have indeed hurt people, but because of their shame, they will probably not return to the relationship once she has “split’ you away. however each person is different. Until they can grasp ahold of what is actually running their life, they will spin again and will most often take some other victim with them. It is the way with them. It is an extremely sad life for them. While I have felt very sorry for her, we must not forget about the impact on our own lives they have caused. I have indeed learned how to love my own self. It is the best thing. YOU must make your self happy now,……not later!!! I don’t wish for anyone to go into the depression and suicidal tendencies I have gone through as a result of someone elses mess. They need to stand up for themselves. I have only this life to become the person “god” has made for me. I don’t want to risk that chance again to “fall ” victim again like I did. Mental illness is indeed a horrifying dis-ease of the mind. Its “dark” triggers occurs in peaks and valleys. It is infact a cyclical mood/emotional disorder. Did I love her? Sure I did!!! I still do!!! I wanted to marry her. The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was to break away from someone who I still loved, no matter how crazy she was. I am sure she has remorse! After she took me to court on false charges and many other crazy things……………….IT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO BE HAPPY, TO LOVE YOURSELF, BE WITH GOOD FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHEN YOU ARE IN CRISIS and mainly keep talking about it with people who you deem close to you. It had saved my life because I had given the relationship my all……….I sincerely wish you the best in your understabnding of this disorder and the strength that you can one day move towards a better light of happiness. Bless you brother!!!

      • Hi Peter

        Thanks so much for your reply. It its so amazing to know that people genuinely care for others in their time of need.

        Its been 5 weeks or so now since the break up with my ex bdf gf. Its amazing how with each weak that goes by I seem to see a bit more clearly about what was happening in my relationship. Its very unfortunate that my ex is in a hugely toxic environment due to her mom,sister and brother all suffering from mental illnesses duely caused by her abusive father when they were children. They all are lovely people but there is just NO guidance for either of them, especially my ex. So I do not see any way for her to get help. Like ive said in previous posts, either she lied to me when she said she just has depression OR she actually has not been diagnosed properly at all. Out of the 9 diagnostic traits a bpd must have… she has 8 of them !!.

        As for myself. I am moving forward slowly but for some reason I cannot get rid of the “good times” in my head. I mean, I appreciate them but seem to be holding on too much which causes myself great depression and sadness. She has split me black and the last conversation we had was about 4 weeks ago she said she had been crying in her mothers arms for days. Now I hear she seems fine and is going on about her daily life and having fun with her friends YET I mope around having to deal with this sadness. I have a good support base, amazing parents and great friends, I do realise I am very lucky but at times its hard because I feel like I have this big hole inside me and only I can fill it and fix it NO ONE ELSE can do it for me. So at times I do feel lonely and the words of support do fall on deaf ears. Its as if there is a switch in my mind that has “good times” and “bad times” that we shared but im damn well stuck on all the good times ! I constantly literally have dreams of her and I together, only to wake up in the morning to know its not real… then back to feeling sad again. I am not constantly feeling this way. It only seems to be when I am alone or when I wake up in the mornings. I am doing sport and getting out with friends etc but OMG it is tough dealing with being split black and completely shunned out of a bpd’s life.

      • Ty1985. First of all, I’d like to thank Sharon for this blog she has created and the opportunity for all of us to engage in this forum of sorts.

        We are all different. Not one person is exactly alike in this world. Therefore there shall be issues, misunderstandings, and sometimes even problems amidst peoples’ understanding of each other, cultural ways, and mores, to be included as well. However “target diagnostics” such as “BPD” infer the definition of certain types/groups of people who have very similar behavioural characteristics. That being said, not one BPD is alike the next. My BPD ex was super loving at first, then clingy, then yelling/raging, then the violence ensued and the courts/law got in the way. Mine situation ended up to be complicated and terrible. However I did know and realize what I had felt. I was truely in love with the person whom I fell in love with the very first time I had met her. It was a dream. Because “they” want love so very badly, they will become, like mine did, a chameleon and started to mirror every thing I was and did. Later, as the disorder started to peak, I started to realize she was not her “normal self”. They spin us into their reality by their codependency to us and if you are a “nice guy” and in adddition to that, are in the healthcare field, then you are doubly “co-dependent”. So finally we have two codependent people very much engaged with each other. It is typically a bad situation ultimately because One does not get to know and understand the other person as much as we should under “normal circumstances”. Initially “loving a BPD” and vise versa takes on a rapid cycling of the BPD’s disorder upwards as it peaks, then downwards. That cycling back and forth and finally when they split you away from them is what we call instability. They spin “us” into their reality!!! Medication can stabilize BPD sufferers. The variability of the peaks and valleys become “softer” with meds. And so the rollercoaster ride is also not as bad. However without meds, in our s.o.’s case, and them being undiagnosed, it is like a napalm bomb going off. It is extremely cyclical. Non BPD sufferers experience being led down the wrong path of self destruction as they find their partner can not and does not have much or nothing to offer in terms of a solid and stable relationship. I know of your dilemna, your pain, your agony, your depression. Please remember that “these people” are not well. You must allow your mind to accept that fact. While you and I maystill love our BPD sufferers, it is so important to take care of our own selves. It has been almost 1 1/2 year since I have seen my ex. People say that time heals. It does, however with a BPD s.o. It takes much longer to recover because of the “depth” of the relationship we have been pulled in too. We also must realize that we chose to be pulled into the depth of their suffering. We therefore suffer as they do. It is normal for non-BPD sufferers to have the feelings you have. Those feelings of longing will take a long time to wade. Simply because the relationship was/is so intense. They magnify their plight most all the time. We end up caring for them deeply. Later to realize we get split away from them. We must continually remember the bad times they put us through. We must also remember the fact that they are “Not well”. These facts and your support system will eventually make you well……………………………………………………………

      • This message is for Ty1985 and everyone here on this blog site. While I value Sharon’s input tremendously and also found information which was extremely helpful for my “recovery”, I also found yet another site extremely valuable for myself where I gained an immense amount of knowledge and healing. The site is “tearsandhealing.com”. I have no affiliation, but like with Sharon’s blog, I found it extremely helpful for me.
        Also wish to mention to “ty1985” that as with my BPD gf, she too did not disclose her disorder to me in “full” during our relationship. She tried to control its triggers throughout our relationship. I don’t know of any one in my world who would be so brutally honest as to disclose all their “skeletons” in the closet. Someone who is mentally ill as with BPD sufferers, do not necessarily disclose their plight because they, like we all, want to be in love, we want to be liked, accepted, etc. Full disclosure by your gf would mean the possibility of you “rejecting her”. ABANDONMENT is exactly what most BPD sufferers FEAR most. Most sufferers have painful abusive childhood experiences from their parents and close family. Because it is so painful for them, they create a sense of “dissociation”, ineffect to over-ride the prior years of painful thoughts. It has no thing to do with us “nons”.
        An excerpt from “tearsandhealing.com” as written and published by “Richard Sherritt”:
        “Our SOs’ emotions tend to move through repetitive cycles. Some parts of the cycle can be particularly difficult for a non. If anything, abusers are unstable. They carry tremendous emotional tension with them. Innocuous triggers can unleash this tension. Moreover, AA has taught me that the stage can be set by simple stress on the person: HALT – being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (and I would add PMS). My XW was very prone to trigger when she is overtired, which she was a lot.
        Typically, this emotional tension drops via the expression of the extreme moods and behaviors. I don’t know if it’s cathartic, or just exhausting. It certainly is hard on us nons. But after a while, the emotional storm will pass, and she will return to a calmer, more reasonable state.
        Most of us have been through some fearful abuse at the hands of our SOs. This is hard. This is painful. And it leads to denial. Especially when they are able to get themselves together and function with a more normal level of emotion and behavior. There’s really no helping it. Sometimes on the support lists you’ll find members warning others about expecting too much when things are quiet.
        But it’s not a logical thing. It happens at a lower level. It is, in effect, our minds’ way of protecting us from painful thoughts. Our minds simply refuse to retain the conscious images of the rages, dysphoria, and abuse. This is called dissociation. Since we don’t vividly recall these, we tend to let our conscious thoughts follow. This is denial.
        But, when the abuser’s emotions cycle back, whether it’s a cycle or an eruption triggered by something, the denial runs smack into reality, and it’s like hitting a brick wall. And it hurts. It feels traumatic, and it is. Because we’ve been in denial, we have trouble accepting what is happening. This makes it even more painful. And this, my friend, is the cusp of the cycle.”
        Hope this helps in your recovery…………………………..

  57. Hi Sharon,
    I’ve read through these posts and really appreciate the opportunity to communicate with someone who has BPD and can share the viewpoint from that side.

    I’d love to know your thoughts on my situation… my partner of 6 years LDR abruptly ended our r/s 5 weeks ago by email, just 2 weeks after our last vacation together and after we just finished buying and renovating an apartment so I can move to be w/ him. I have been totally stunned and devastated. The notice of the r/s ending was cold and clinical in a short email and I was told he would not speak to me by phone or skype.

    I did a massive personal inventory to see what I possibly could have done which would have caused such a huge shift in his feelings (from telling me I was the most important person in his life and the woman of his dreams to telling me he has no feelings of any kind for me). I emailed him and apologized for every possible less-than-kind thing I recall having done or said in the recent past and asking him to forgive me. He ignored my apology and said (by email) that it wasn’t about forgiveness, that he felt better now, that he had been suffering in the r/s (never told me this previously), and that he was at peace with himself and with me and the proof that it was the right thing to do was that he feels good now. WTF? I was so UTTERLY confused and shell-shocked by this and the pain and shock triggered full-blown PSTD – I’ve been barely functioning for 5 weeks now.

    In a second email he said his love extinguished because it was not “nourished.” (Two weeks previously he said I was “the most beautiful dream of his life.”) He then stopped all communication with me but responded to an angry email my D sent him and told her that I told him he was fat and ugly (as though that is the reason he ended it). He never told me this was upsetting him! I never said he was ugly OMG I’d never say that. I did tell him I was concerned about his weight gain since he had a weird gain of weight around his stomach and I had been trying to help him find the cause for health reasons.

    In therapy sessions to heal from this shock, I heard about narcissism and borderline. Now I’ve read a ton on the subject, I believe my ex-partner has BPD/NPD or some combo of these. There’s no other sane explanation.

    I have a question for you… I have not heard from him now for almost a month. Part of me wants to somehow REASSURE him that it was NEVER EVER my intention to hurt him in any way, that i am so sorry for anything I did/said that hurt him, and that I deeply care about him, want to make whatever upset him right… Is there any point in doing this or will it just make him angry? I had also written a very long letter of gratitude to him for all that I received in our relationship and all I treasure(d) about him, that I will always love him and be here for him and that I would be devastated to lose him entirely from my life – as he is the most important person on the planet to me. In reading another BPD site, some pwBPD seemed to say that they’d like to hear something like this, but others not. I’m not sure what to do. I’m so sad to see him behaving like I’m his enemy and don’t understand how this happened.

    • Hi, thanks for your message. Sorry to hear about the way your relationship ended. It is a difficult question to answer because as you have already found on other sites the response could go either way, he may be glad to receive your letter and apology/reassurance, but he may also take it badly – either not giving a crap what you say or responding angrily/abusively and there is no way to know for sure which it would be. The best advice I can give is do what feels right for you, if you want him to know deeply then tell him, send the letter, just be prepared for the possibility of no response or a bad one even though you don’t deserve either, he is unwell so his reactions are a reflection of his illness not of you. At least in sending the letter it may help you gain some closure on the situation to help you begin your own journey to recovery… Best Wishes whatever you decide, I hope you get the response you would like. Sharon x

  58. Thanks Peter. I definitely have a much broader understanding of bpd thanks to you,Sharon and the 1000s of posts ive read.

    sharon, I looked into the dilemmas of the “drama trtriangle all I can say is WOW! it opened my eyes to the roles ive come to play,Aswell as my ex gf’s roles too. I think I now know why I have this instinctual urge to help my ex and more importantly, why im constantly thinking about her and what shes doing etc. I seem to be a “rescuer” and find myself taking up that role. In the case of my ex bpd gf and im sure millions of others, she was a “victim” our whole relationship. As you know these two roles work hand in hand. We both acquire certain selfish advantages from each other BUT for the wrong reasons. Looking back… my ex was always depressed,stressed, feeling empty, sad, crying etc… and instead of me giving her a helping hand to support her, id actually dive in head first to ease her pains for her. I understand now that basically I took all her hurt and problems and stacked it upon my shoulders EVERYTIME she was feeling that way. Eventually I could not handle all the emotional baggage that I had accumulated from trying to be there for her that It started breaking me down. This is when the BP kicks in and things take a turn for the worse. instead of appreciating and helping me offload HER emotional baggage that I had accumulated, she then decided to start pushing me away with her thoughts of abandonment. From there I found that when she could see that I was taking strain and could not help as much as I was before, is when the weekly random break ups would start and she would tend to start arguments for no reason… of course blaming me in the process. A couple more break ups followed due to her picking more fights and WHAM!!!.. before you know it she is having a crying episode like a 5yr old and guess what… I had just been split black.

    Its amazing how clearly I see this now, thanks to this blog and all the insight and support people share. The best thing a non bpd can do is seek knowledge and support, there is no other way to move forward.

    A typical bpd sufferer will in most cases play the role of a “victim” looking for their “rescuer” … only in the end to turn into a “persecutor” and blame the non bpd therefor splitting them black before we get kicked out of their lives. I can say that we too are slightly to blame because if you are like me… I saw the red flags and I decided to ignore them. Only to try fulfill a void in me that I really didnt know I had up until now.

    Il probably always have a small chip on my shoulder because I did want to love and care for this girl with all I had and if she really loved me like she said then she would have looked for therapy. Unfortunately she would rather find another person and go through this whole cycle again because its easier and saves her from looking and delving within herself to conquer the root of her problem.

    So In the end, I do feel sad for her because it must be horribly painful to live a life with such extreme emitions brought on by an unloving, unhealthy father . Its quite shocking that a father could ruin such a beautiful loving girls life like my ex.

    My advice would be… to please “google” the drama triangle. See which role you play and which role your ex bpd played. You will quickly see that us nons were also partly to blame and that we too have issues to sort out. Why do you think we are so susceptible to bpd sufferers? . You will find your answer (like I did) by researching and delving into yourself.

    From where I was 7 weeks ago after being shunted out my exes life and having no idea why…. to where I am now is worlds apart, thanks to this blog and many others like it. There are still going to be tough times and sad days when I think , why couldnt she just get help? . What I know now is probably the most important thing ive learned. You cant help someone that cant help themselves.

    • Indeed Ty, and it’s not just with BPD’s that the drama triangle is relevant, it is every connection we have with others – at work, family, friends etc. The best place to be for a healthy relationship with anyone on any level is outside the triangle – basically refuse to play the game. Other people will try to push or pull us into their drama triangle, we have to be able to see this happening (whether we have BPD or not) and not let ourselves be drawn in. It can be hard as I am by nature a rescuer in any situation, but often end up in the position of victim. Now I am more aware of the triangle I do a lot better at remaining outside it and it helps me massively! As you know the ‘victim’ is in the position with the most power (despite the name suggesting otherwise) but the whole process is so easy to see when you understand it; like for me how I get pushed from rescuer to victim is when people take advantage of my loving, caring nature when I try to help them then they become my persecutor but may also ‘pretend’ to be my rescuer acting like what they are doing is in my own best interests. It really is a valuable tool in understanding human nature, probably one of the most helpful things I have learnt since my diagnosis, and if I happen to start forgetting my therapist reminds me when I am describing situations with people and then I am able to resolve any issues much more quickly and easily by stepping out of the triangle 🙂

    • First word that came from me was; “AWESOME”!!! I really appreciate your responses. Unfortunately for people who are in the health field for example, like myself, “rescuing” the “victim” is an extremely natural automatic reaction. I recognized the triangle in the relationships’ infancy yet decided to ignore its red flags and decided not to “bail”. However the roller-coaster ride continued, but at an alarming rate and amplitude. I felt whipsawed into her reactions. I did love this person and still do. Outside of the dis-order, we had many things in common. I started to hesitate in my reacting to her needs. Then the relationship started to falter. Because I knew she was “unstable” and without any medication I was already entrenched into the depths of the relationship. It was hard to back out of the love I had felt for her. Every thing became more intense and so did the drama enfolding its end. Luckily, my ex decided to go back to the nurse practitioner who I set her up with initially and thankfully, according to some friends of mine, she is now seeking continual mental health assistance. Eventually the remorse will set in as it most often does. Every one has windows of clarity. The cycle will repeat itself, but with medication, the journey will be a much more stable one and the mentation of those experiencing BPD, much more clear. It is my hope that all those that suffer from BPD (as well as the Nons), get much needed help from the medical profession. There are some that never return because they don’t seek help. They don’t think they have any problems.

  59. Reblogged this on Toward the within… and commented:
    Too often I come across websites or blogs on which people who have BPD are made out to be less than human. In some cases, people with BPD are likened to vampires (a step up), but usually it is the idea that BPD sufferers are emotional black holes, who are only trying to manipulate, destroy and then discard every person. The reality is far from the fiction that is often posted on the web.

    The reality is that people with BPD do love and perhaps love too deeply. If someone with BPD has ended a relationship with you, it is likely not a reflection on you or that somehow you have gained “useless” status in his or her mind. It likely means that they are experiencing tremendous guilt for having caused so much pain to someone they love. The leaving is message of “I don’t want to hurt you anymore like I’ve been hurting myself”, or “I am afraid that if this goes on, you will come to hate me, so it’s better if I leave”. Sure, there are people with BPD who take advantage of others, but so do people without BPD. I am a bit tired of reading articles that villainize a particular group of mental disorders, especially people with BPD. In coming posts, I would like to address some of the “articles” and blog posts that I have been reading. In the meanwhile, this post eloquently expresses both sides of the argument.

    • Thanks for reblogging this, indeed we are not emotional black holes, more as Marsha Linehan herself describes ’emotional third-degree burn victims’ our emotions are so raw, like a wound that never heals, the slightest touch is sheer agony! And I fully agree that ending a relationship is often about ending the toxicity and pain for both parties not an attack on the non-bp from the bp.

  60. Have an ex-girlfriend, but we are still good friends. I think she might need help. I had to learn about mental health issues due to family member difficulties and because of this I became very knowledgeable about Depression and Bipolar Disorder and know there is a good chance she is not right. She is on Prozac and often forgets or is trying to ween herself off. She is always on the go and is always looking for something new to do. Art classes, Spartan races, cooking classes, write a book and more and more. She had a custody battle for her kids she settled on last summer and got them 5 days a week. But then it’s like she got bored and now does Roller Derby half of the nights she has her kids so why even do the custody battle? She was and still is in love with me and my son, but I had to let her go. She was neglecting us for other things constantly and became self-centered and selfish and a nonexistent communicator. I could not keep up with all of the ideas of things she was going to do (and I’m a REAL go getter too so that says something) and huge emotional decisions she takes on. Since I’ve know her for 2 years she has moved 3 times and switched job twice and is looking at switching jobs again. I asked her today why she does this and she says she has always been like this. She claims she simply just gets bored. Her parents did divorce when she was 15 and she ended up going to 4 different high school. She says in college she never had a boyfriend for more than a month. Does she need help? I’m not trying to over analyzer her either. But a buzzer did go off in my head she she claimed I deserved better than her and this was only 4 hours after she talked about wanting to get married. I’m not here to look for emotional support due to a breakup. From going through my family situation, I know how to protect myself and am in a better place broken up from her and I’m staying where I’m at. But I am friends with her. What makes this challenging is she has had some great experiences in life such as traveling around the world and she was on MTV Road Rules (reality show) so those are some rather challenging things to live up to. But she is all over the place and makes in my opinion rather huge emotional decisions that come out of nowhere. She is also an doctor and has worked in the county mental health hospital and is one step below being a psychiatrist herself. So getting her to admit to having anymore problems than depression can be tricky. So do you all think? For what it’s worth, we have never argued once.

    • It does sound like she has a very strong unstable sense of self and identity, which would explain why she bores easily and is always looking for something new and exciting to challenge and interest her. Given you do not describe any other serious self-harming behaviours there could be a number of reasons for being like this, BPD seems unlikely. If anything I would be thinking more like high functioning Aspergers Syndrome. I can understand your concern when it comes to the effects on relationships and her family life, but I would be cautious to say she needs help, it almost feels like she is just searching for that one thing that will capture her interest enough for her to finally stop looking and stay put. I could be wrong, but that is just how it appears to me. I think maybe the prozac is not helpful and the reason she wants to stop taking it is that realistically she knows herself (especially being a doctor) that it is not actually helping. Maybe you could try talking to her not as though it is a mental health problem but more along the boredom side of things, talking about that may trigger alarm bells for her to notice something herself that she had not even realised?

  61. Oh yes – dreaming about him, and then waking up. It’s been nearly five weeks now. I have done so much research into this, and it’s frustrating because I can see now how we might have worked, if we’d both had insight and tried. But maybe there was too much wrong. He ended the relationship three times in six weeks, and I kept coaxing him back, but the third time was so painful for me, I knew I could never face another one. But that was five weeks ago, and the memory starts to blur…

    Last time I contacted him was a week ago. I phoned him because I felt suicidal over the break-up, and it didn’t seem to matter, then, if I spoke to him. He just complained about the problems he’s having with his family (though he’s in his 40s he still lives with them) and seemed to have next to no consideration for the fact that I was in terrible pain. It was so odd – like I was a telephone counsellor. Then I sent him angry texts, one of which was framed so as to hurt him so much there’d be no going back – in it, I compared him to an ex he had a few years ago, who he hates. And I feel bad about that now. But he compared me to her, early in the relationship – he said he’d told his brother about me, and his brother had said, “Oh no, not another one,” (ie, like that other ex).

    I know I am co-dependent. I used to creep about, not say this, not say that, not complain if he didn’t pay towards the bills when he lived with me for a while – all this “don’t rock the boat” stuff, whilst inside I grew more and more resentful. Let him pour out his troubles, though he was dismissive of mine.

    Also we had sex far too early on. Basically I gave him this message: “You are far more valuable than me, your time is far more valuable than mine, you life is more important than mine, so you may do as you please, speak to me as rudely as you wish, and I will not object.” He never had to do any work in the relationship. No wonder, now, he dumps his worries on me and brushes mine aside.

    He is diagnosed, but very sketchily. His family are horribly enmeshed (as indeed were mine). I think if he didn’t have them to go back to, he might have tried harder. But really he never left home. He wasn’t an adult. They are elderly now. My guess is that once they pass on, he’ll find someone and then he will be forced to try. But who knows. He lives a few miles away, he seems to have given up going to the one place we have in common, and so really, unless I contact him, I might not see him for a very long time.

    As I say, I am co-dependent. I see it as him being selfish and me being self-less. That’s not a good thing to be. As if I could pour his demands into my emptiness and no longer be in pain. As if looking after him would make me feel worthy and happy and fulfilled. No wonder I was a doormat. No wonder I was suicidal after it. The hardest thing (after the pain and the awful loneliness) is having to admit that I am not better than him because he has BPD: that I am a kind of mirror-image of him, albeit with, I believe, more insight into myself.

    I distracted myself by fancying someone else today, an old crush. It did get rid of the pain for a while, like being drunk. Now it’s coming back, of course. I have spent so much of my life Trying To Be Good (as I did with him, of course). So I’m trying to cut out all the shoulds and oughts from my thinking. Trying to put some self back into myself. I might contact him again, because my emotions are all over the place at present, and Christmas alone will be horrible. But if I do, so what? Wouldn’t be the end of the world. I am so sick of being scared of myself. It’d be like the last time, though – I do know that. At some level I know it is over. It’s going to take a while for that knowledge to run right through me.

    I think people with BDP and their partners both need insight. I think people with BDP need to understand that their partners will have their own pre-existing emotional problems. And we, the nons, need to know that too. Likely all of us are people who do just get hurt when we expose our emotions in any deep way. I hid from that for a long time. I want to live now, despite the pain.

    But God I wish he’d come back. And God, I hope I never see him again.

    • It sounds like you are having a really awful time, I do hope things will get better for you. I fully understand what you are saying about co-dependency, I think it is a common aspect of many misfunctioning relationships (regardless of BPD) and mirroring behaviours also sounds familiar! Insight is definitely vital to being able to function well together in a relationship, again regardless of BPD but also clearly all the more important if a person has a condition (be it BPD or another). Emotions and emotional conditions add so much additional complexity to the challenges of maintaining and healthy, stable relationship, they must be given the respect and value they deserve in understanding how the other person thinks, feels and responds to situations to enable you both, as a couple, to build a firm foundation together – something too many relationships lack and take for granted!
      Best Wishes to you for a happy New Year 🙂

  62. About a year ago in September I met her through facebook and shortly after met her in person. At first we would occasionally hang out (once or twice a month). We were sexually active. There was a period of time of about a month or two that I didn’t see her at all, but we would occasionally text. Up until June, we pretty much saw each other as friends.

    Then around June things started to change in our relationship, we were seeing more of each other and we were getting closer. By august I was seeing a lot of her, mostly 3 times a week, sometimes sleeping over for a weekend. By the end of August things went bad, I started noticing that she was avoiding seeing me and would give me short responses to texts. Then one night on a date she broke the news to me that she didn’t want to see me anymore and not to text or call her. She also went on to explain that she’s aware that she does that whenever she starts to get “too close” to someone. She said she will do and say things that will make the other person leave her, but this time she didn’t want to hurt me that way so she asked me to leave.

    About two weeks pass, and she calls me out of nowhere to talk and “catch up” then nothing for a few weeks. Then, after a few weeks (in Oct) of not talking at all, I decided to give her a call and asked her out to dinner. After that we started talking again, even started getting closer than before. She told me one day at random, “I don’t ever want to not have you in my life”. She wanted us to move in together (which I refused because I wanted to make sure she wouldn’t leave me again). In early November she started getting busy with work (she works two jobs, one of them is manager of a retail store) and she tells me that she wants to spend some time with me on Thanksgiving. Then it happened again, a week before Thanksgiving we talk on the phone and tells me she doesn’t want to see me anymore, and not to text or call her ever again. She told me we can never be friends either. She says that talking with me makes her anxious.

    I’ve asked her what happened but her answer makes no sense to me. Just a day before the break up we were planing to spend Thanksgiving day together, then the next day she’s telling me that she’s not “feeling” the relationship. Over the days after that I text her randomly, but get short replies. I’ve let her know how much I love her, but her response was that knowing how I feel makes her feel like an a-hole.

    I’m not sure if these are signs of BPD, I’m totally confused. I’ve gone over all that was said and done for the past months to see if maybe I misinterpreted any of her signals, but I keep coming to the same conclusion that I didn’t misinterpret anything.

    She seems to be very aware of her behavior, and when we first got back together she said she was happy that I’m very patient and understanding. I’ve never experienced her bad side (besides the leaving), it seems she has built cooping mechanisms. She also mentioned once that she did go to therapy for a bit and would try going again, but I never knew about BPD at that time.

    The last words I told her when she told me to forget about her and move on were that I’ll move on, but I will never forget about her and if she ever changes her mind not to be afraid to come back to me. I’m really in no hurry to jump in any other relationship, especially since my heart pretty much is in her possession at the moment.

    • Sorry to hear of your difficulties.
      It does does sound like your ex is troubled but it’s not possible to consider BPD based on an unwillingness to commit to a relationship alone, there are 9 criteria of which 5 must be met for a diagnosis, and two of the key ones that without which a diagnosis would not be considered are self-harm and suicidal behaviour neither of which come across from your message. Her behaviour in fearing abandonment does sound like one of the traits but it can also be explained by many other things. Sorry if that isn’t what you wanted to hear, I just think it is best to be honest and clear with you 😦
      I hope you manage to overcome your loss with time.

      • Thank you for your answer, but I did leave out her self harm, when I met her she was very promiscuous. She once met a guy online and on the first meet he took her to a sex party where she had sex with multiple strangers that same night. I don’t know about the suicidal behaviour, unless you count her unwillingness to wear a seat belt and driving high. I don’t know of any suicide attempts, so I don’t know for sure. She does show a lot of the other signs, impulsiveness (always in financial problems because of spending), she snaps and gets furious at the smallest things and then all of a sudden is as sweet as a kitten, she admitted to me once that she was a stalker and had stalked boyfriends before. She told me not too long ago that her mind is constantly racing. At first I thought it was an Attachment disorder because of her bad childhood, her biological father left while she was very young and her mother was neglectful. I came to the conclusion of BPD because of all the other things I know of her, what she’s told me and what I’ve observed myself.

        I had no expectations on what to hear, I’m just looking for some insight into what just happened. I’ve never experienced someone like that in my life before, but I’ve moved on, though my feelings for her haven’t and that’s ok because loving someone doesn’t mean owning them or having them present.

      • No problem, apologies if I seemed dismissive it’s just that as you can understand not knowing full details it is difficult to draw conclusions, and of course neither of us are medical professionals! It could be BPD but as I say not being professionals we are not in a position to diagnose, but if looking at it as BPD helps you deal with it I am also not in a place to tell you that you shouldn’t do that! We all have to deal with things in the way that best helps us to come to terms with them and get over them especially when loss is involved – it becomes like a grieving process. One of the problems that does tend to occur in relationships (whether it is BPD or not) is that we become co-dependant and as a result we can co-create problems, exacerbate each others flaws and much more… If it was/is BPD, well even if it is not, then she clearly needs to seek help to find out why she behaves this way and help overcoming it so that she can have a stable relationship – if that is what she wants, the difficulty there is that she has to want to change and defeat her personal demons, no-one can do it for her, and no-one can make her do it. Until she is ready for that battle with herself she cannot and will not change and will continue in this cycle over and over until she decides she cannot and does not want that any more. It is a sad, lonely existence to feel so much love be but unable to hold on to it 😦

      • No apologies necessary, I know I was light on the other details.

        During our first break up she admitted she had a problem and needed to fix it. I suggested therapy and she said she was willing to try. It’s up to her to put it into action though. I have a list of local free centers that could provide some treatment, but she want’s not contact with me and I’m respecting her wishes so I have no way of giving her the list.

      • I hope she will discover the list for herself when she is ready, don’t feel you have in any way failed her by not giving it to her, if you could access that information so can she if she wants to look. Take care of yourself as you work on your own recovery 🙂

      • Hi TheOtherSide.

        We all know how you feel. I myself have an undiagnosed ex bpd gf and its tough going. Its an extremely toxic relationship and you get reeled in and cast away weekly. Its been just over 3 months now since I got kicked out of her life and I am feeling stronger everyday. A bp’s acts are mostly unintentional but unfortunately are still extremely hurtful and leaves you feeling like you have been hit by a bus.

        Its cliché but you need time to work on yourself and to figure out why you had fallen for a lady that is promiscuous, that is mean, thats non empathetic. The longer you keep no contact and actually start understanding about bpd the better you will see that its best to move on with your life. Its not nice to say but being with most bpd’s will cause you emotional abuse. You definitely do not want to be in an abusive relationship.

        Yes il always have a small part of my heart for my ex gf but the reality is that the first year together was a facade. She was wearing a mask. She projected things that I so desperately wanted… love, trust,care …even sexual intimacy. After a year I started seeing cracks in her mask and I started asking questions. All I started getting was fights, break ups, anger rages etc ALL FROM this little sweet angel that I thought I knew for the first year.

        The bottom line is, call a spade a spade mate. You dont want to have that drama in your life and you had become addicted to that drama. So did I. Step back, take time to heal yourself and move forward. Its taken me 3 months and im definitely feeling better. Im healing myself, I know what warning signs to look for in my future relationships and fortunately il be staying far away from any bpd. I must state, any bpds who do acknowledge their disorder and are getting help , thats awesome and its encouraging to see but unless thats happening, dont wait around.

      • Thanks Ty, indeed a lot of BPD’s who are not getting help appear cold and hurtful and the relationship is likely to be abusive, even these ones not seeking help may not intend to be this way but if they are not willing to get help and get better then I agree staying well away from relationships with these types is the best thing anyone can do as everyone will end up hurt in some way otherwise. I have stayed away from relationships until I knew I was in a better place myself to be able to commit, and it did me good to take that time to get myself better rather than enter into another bad relationship (for me I would be the one of the receiving end of abuse in such situations). Glad to hear you are getting better now 🙂

      • There are many reasons why I fell for her, promiscuity never bothered me, I’m not a jealous person. Not in the least. I have no doubt in me that she feels the same about me (which is why her leaving came as such a surprise) and I believe that she pulled away because she didn’t want to put me through what comes with getting close with her.

      • THought I’d give you an update. Last night she texts me out of the blue and we enter a conversation about her confusion and what’s going on in her head. Basically she described her fear of getting into a relationship and being unhappy the rest of her life. We didn’t get any deeper in the conversation because she stopped replying.

        About an hour ago I get and email from her telling me that she made an appointment to see a therapist on tuesday next week. She thanked me for pushing her. I didn’t directly push her, all I asked were key questions to see what exactly her fears of being with me were. I guess that in itself urged her to seek help. She said she will let me know next week how her first visit went.

        I couldn’t possibly be more happier for her right now for taking that first step towards her healing process.

  63. Hi I have recently found sites of bpd and I am convinced my ex gf falls on the spectrum if only moderately. I want to thank you for your blog as it has related the most to my situation and understanding. My ex and I had feel in love fast and she had recently gone through a divorce with her husband for his infidelity, which later she told me took 6 months to confront him about. I was weary to get involved, but we continued a relationship although she told me should would be moving out of state in a few months. I decided life was short and to have a good time until then. In the time she invited me to a friends wedding and to her home town to stay with her parents for a festival. Again I was weary and did not want to get too attached but agreed. We became very close and intimate fast. Shared all with each other and she asked if I would be willing to move to be with her.

    I was finishing college after a long time away and told her I would think about it. We had a year long distance relationship and fell completely for each other. As I have read about bpds I came across the waif characteristics and their victim mentality and needs. She falls into that category and would say things like I am perfect, I have opened her walls like no one etc.. I loved this because of my own abandonment issues and my fixer mentality. Although I would remind her I am not perfect, she compromised and said I am perfect for her, which I gladly accepted.

    The long distance relationship was hard on us, but we talked about marriage and children and spoke everyday. We both would travel to be with each other and although long distance our time together was the best times in my life. She was taking test to go to law school and planning a school reunion out of state and her stress was high. She began to take on what I thought was more than she can chew and it concerned me because she has health problems( migraines, immune disorder, etc.)

    When at her reunion she seemed a shell of herself to me, but of course put on a great show for her friends at the reunion. I spent much time alone, but wrote it up to her reconnecting it was fine. When her grandmother asked if my ex was sure about school because when would she have time for a family. I agreed I had this concern especially after seeing her, what I would later come to understand addiction to stress and work, and she got upset at me for not supporting her. This confused me I just wanted to talk about a concern. The weekend was ok, but not the same as every other encounter.

    When we both returned to our respective homes and a month before I was to move, I could not shake the red flags she had shown me and in our conversations thereafter I wanted to talk about her stress and when she would have time for our relationship when I moved. I stated a relationship is like a plant and needs to be watered regularly. She said she was to stressed and did not have the energy to discuss it, which confused me more because of our previously completely open and communicative relationship (A main reason I fell in love with her.) I realize now I pushed her because my wound from my broken family was opened and my need and codependency for my own family to do it right was great. I opened her wound of not being supported when she needed it most, which stems from her parents neglecting her and not getting her out of a emotional abuse and maybe more situation with her brother as a child. She resented and is bitter toward her mother, although they do have a loving relationship now. Thus the root of her bpd! I opened her wound and she lost trust in me, which lead I think to a splitting mentality in which I “did not support her,” hated her” would leave her.” She would say things like “ I thought things work out in life but not anymore. And many more confusing statements. These words broke my heart and I could not understand. I was leaving everything to be with her and I did not support her? I needed some understanding of my stress and situation of finishing school, leaving friends and family and moving across the country, which she seemed incapable of giving.

    I feel like I am an insightful man and came to understand after our split she did not really mean these things as you stated in your blog. It came to a point where I was unsure if I should move and I would text her I felt she did not believe in us anymore. I would get no response. Finally she told me I make her emotional and she needs to depend on herself as she always had. (Again stemming from her childhood.) She puts up a strong front, but I know her as someone with deep emotional pains. Regardless I moved for I felt we had to try. I was down there for a year before she finally, ten days before we were to move into our new apartment, said she felt we should not live together. I said I saw it coming. We had drifted apart because I felt I was walking on egg shells and we never got a chance to discuss the issues that came up because I was to afraid to upset her. She said the same. Again mirroring? I am also defensive and am sensitive. I realize my mistakes I made with her, many of your examples what not to do to communicate properly with a bpd because of my confusion of her attitudes and behaviors. I began to distance myself for my own protection. I still loved her greatly, but did not know what to do and how to speak to her about anything of substance, and it breaks my heart. Nothing bad was ever said to each other, but we could no longer talk openly and she did not even tell me she decided not to continue law school after two semesters because she did not want to make me feel it is my fault.

    I tried to talk to her about working it out and I still loved her, but I realize I blamed her for shutting down and not realizing how much I did. She said I did not look at her the same way and felt I did not care about her feelings. Ironically her happiness was what made me the happiest. After she repeatedly said I am sorry I took it as a sign there would be no conversation and in my own overreacting I packed all my belongings in my car and left right then. It was amiable enough, but I obviously put on a show hoping she would stop me. I was in so much pain I could not stay because I loved her so much and did not want to wallow in it as I figured out my next move. She texted me hoping I got home safely, I thanked her. Three weeks later I texted her I was sending her a letter, she responding the next day thanking her for letting her know and hope I was doing ok. In between this time I had spoken to her sister for four hours asking how well she knew her sister. She told me it was only surface. I let her know of my concerns mostly about her health and avoidance issues, not knowing of bpd at the time. Her sister is in the behavioral health field so she has an idea, but she placates her sister as does her whole family. I realize now to keep her from getting triggered. She told me about her mother thinking about doing an intervention knowing something is wrong, having an idea it stems from her own neglect for my ex as a child, but she doesn’t know what to do because my ex is so intelligent and a master of covering her pain and how emotionally bad off she really is. The sister one day has doubts about her emotional health, but then gets convinced that everything is fine. That is why I told her about my ex’s nightmares and speaking in her sleep about being a bad person etc…When I would ask if there is anything I could do about her chronic headaches or to sooth her and getting responses like put me out of my misery. (Which broke my heart and left me feeling helpless.) She would say things like my do you love me and list a million reasons. Her sister and I agreed that she should tell her we talked to be honest. The next day I noticed on face book our relationship status was taken down and all of her picture with me. She had previously kept them up for two weeks after the break which gave me hope. I realize she felt this was a breach of trust although her sister said she seemed to act ok to her telling her. In my opinion just covering her true pain. I felt I had to tell her sister the truth and if my ex wanted to hate me its ok because it is all out of my concern. Her sister did not address issues directly, but said I was sad and concerned about her.

    In my letter to her I explained all the reasons I loved her where I couldn’t in one instant. I apologized for my faults, explained my pains, asked for forgiveness for my lack of listening, attentiveness, invalidation etc.. I wrote about how I feel like she is running from her pain and not addressing it, at the same time apologizing for pushing her to. (As I have had my own bouts of depression, and BPD traits also, but I try to face my emotional, and mental scars and problems head on, it is not my place to force that way on her.) I told her I will always be there for her and said she did not need to respond in a major way, but to at least let me know she got my letter to help ease my heart. She did not respond even after a month. I texted her asking if she got my letter, no response. On Christmas I texted her she is always on my mind, wished her a merry Christmas, but said I did not understand how she could not respond to me even out of common courtesy and respect. I said I had to unfriend her on face book and asked to get off her family phone plan, which I continued to be on two months after the relationship, because it is too painful for how she is just flat out ignoring me, and I must cut all ties. A few days later I texted her saying I wanted to stay on the plan if she wished and to help her out, but regardless did want to lose all contact with her completely and if and when she if ready to keep in contact if she would like. No response. Just yesterday thinking of myself and my own healing I called our provider asking to call her to release me from the plan, which only she can do. I am still on it as of now. I am so confused and heartbroken, I question my own sanity, mental and emotional health, and how much was me versus her. I love her so much and understand it is her choice to face these problems her own. I want to her know I will be there for her, even though it pains me so much to hold on. I want her to know I don’t hate her, forgive her, etc… I don’t know what to do. I just want to talk to her, but I must think about my own mental health, and because she is being avoidant I have no choice but to try to get her out of my mind. Please tell me you input, I know this in long but I feel your insight is the only one that may give me understanding of: Is this bpd? In her maybe me? Should I give up trying to speak to her? Can I do or say anything at this point that will not cause her further pain? I think I will do nothing until sending her a birthday card in march wishing her a happy 30th. But I don’t know if this is a good idea or not? Thank you so much for your insights. 🙂

    • Hi John,
      Thanks for sharing. I can’t say if this is BPD or not, I’m not a professional and so many things can have similar symptoms, even non-BP’s can exhibit some traits, the only way to know for sure is a diagnosis off a mental health professional. I think it may be best for you to give up trying to speak to her for your own peace, closure and being able to move on a recover yourself, it is much like a grieving process that you will be experiencing from your loss. Leaving it until March then sending her a birthday card sounds like a good idea, that way you have given her time and space but without any pressure you can just let her know gently (with no expectation or request for response) that you are thinking of her – she may respond well, she may not, there is no way to tell but if you feel you want to do that then do, but most of all your focus now should be on yourself and your own healing. hope this helps? Best wishes to you 🙂

    • Hi john

      Pls excuse my grammar because it is pretty late here in south africa. Ie 5am

      U seem to be extremely co dependent and unfortunately that is NEVER good. As you may have seen, ive been through a lot… with a bpd ex gf. With all do respect here. Do not blame yourself. You did what you could and you seem to be blaming yourself when you need to understand that you were fighting a losing battle. Its not your duty to reassure her that u will not abandon her, bcoz u hav probably told her numerous times that u wld never leave her etc. The best description ive heard is… its like a well with a fracture… it doesn’t matter how much love and care u throw in ….. u will always fall short. Bpd’s here will tell u the truth. The answers ur gf wld not tell u. Dont go looking for answers that u will not find. Most of us unfortunately learn the hard way but with insight frm showard76 , we learn that u shld not blame yourself and that u shld not seek for answers coz chances r that u will not find them.

      I apologise for my lack of punctuality etc its late and im extremely tired.

      Cheers mate .

    • Hi john

      Pls excuse my grammar because it is pretty late here in south africa. Ie 5am

      U seem to be extremely co dependent and unfortunately that is NEVER good. As you may have seen, ive been through a lot… with a bpd ex gf. With all do respect here. Do not blame yourself. You did what you could and you seem to be blaming yourself when you need to understand that you were fighting a losing battle. Its not your duty to reassure her that u will not abandon her, bcoz u hav probably told her numerous times that u wld never leave her etc. The best description ive heard is… its like a well with a fracture… it doesn’t matter how much love and care u throw in ….. u will always fall short. Bpd’s here will tell u the truth. The answers ur gf wld not tell u. Dont go looking for answers that u will not find. Most of us unfortunately learn the hard way but with insight frm showard76 , we learn that u shld not blame yourself and that u shld not seek for answers coz chances r that u will not find them.

      I apologise for my lack of punctuality etc its late and im extremely tired.

      Cheers mate .

      • U need to let go and move on. Ive found that my recent ex bpd gf has found yet another bf and he is filling her void for the time being. I feel bad for the new bloke but he must learn the hard way I guess. Ive been split black and shes said that im the worst person on earth ie) ive been demonised. U need to knw my friend that its absolutely NOT u
        Your fault and u need to move on. You definitely seem to have issues u need to deal with and you can not be in a healthy relationship with your mindset and past experience. I agree. .. seek psychological assistance to find out where u stand. Again. . Pls excuse my typing ***


    • Hi John,
      I had read your post on this blog today and had wished to comment about it as such. I am a state licensed nurse and have been one for two decades, especially in the mental health field. First of all, I wish to tell you that you are not alone in your requests to “figure out” just what is happening to you. Second of all, I have posted here before and wish to thank Sharon for “opening up” her life to the world re. her perspective of this “dis-ease”. Confronting one’s mental issues is the first step in the recovery process. AND there is hope. My ex-gf who was undiagnosed at the time and unmedicated for this condition, also “took me for a huge emotional ride”. A ride that is typically referred to as a “roller-coaster” filled with love vs hate vs confusing emotions towards the “victim”. YOU and me. While ultimate diagnoses officially depends on a psychiatrist, in my endeavor to assist and help those tormented with such illness, I have come to realize and understand what and how “these people” think and behave. Like alcoholism, it is a very cunning and baffling dis-ease of the mind first and then the body. You know, “mind over matter”. It is definitely a mental illness which has been listed in the DSM IV. What you are experiencing is the end stage result of an ultimate breakup from your girlfriend. It is easy for me to state that the best thing for you to do is to brush off your pants and move on, it is actually extremely hard to do. I empathize with you deeply. Why? Because we are all living in this short spec of time together. Apparently because we tend to be co-dependents, we have indeed emptied out our hearts towards these people. It is an aweful feeling when it is not returned. It ultimately becomes a pattern. The best things you can do for yourself is to learn how to love your one self. It is most important. That was the biggest lesson for me. Treat yourself lovingly as you would another person, but more so. Learn from this disorder that she has or seems to have as she is not “fully” diagnosed as yet. As you may perhaps not know, mental illnes of this sort “cycles” like a “sine wave” with its ups and downs. It starts out very gradually and in time its amplitude widens and so does the ramifications of the disorder. You are in the phase with your gf where she is beginning to experience the “out of control” phase and you are the brunt, the target of that for now. You need to, for your safety, move away from being that “target”. You need to see a movie called Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. You will get a greater idea of what this disorder is like in its extreme. It is not pretty. Infact, if you think you are having a bad day, People stricken with this disorder suffer ten times more than you and I do. They cope with it every day. My gf hides from the public and behind her children, masking the disorder from society so people would not “find out”. They are a master at being the greatest chameleon, a perspective you and I will not see because they want attention so badly and are willing to get it in almost any way simply because they have been somehow abused and tormented when they were a child. Many pre-teens were not just abused, but left and abandoned by none other than their significant others who should have provided them with all the love possible. Many use drugs typically to mask the disorder and calm the teasing mind which seems to run like a wild horse away from reality. Yes, they do “suck us” into their lives because their need to “belong” is so great, however those that have no diagnoses continue to have the trauma related experiences per BPD. It just repeats itself as i had mentioned like a sine wave and/or roller-coaster ride of emotions. Many times they are extremely confused, add in some drugs and alcohol and witchcraft like my ex-girlfriend and they absolutely don’t know what and where they are. Though they are extremely smart and can most of the time out-smart anyone simply because tyhey had to learn to deal with their disorder for many years. More so, as people stricken with this disoreder, age, the disorders’ ramifications become worse. They loose track of their mind-set. This is however, MY OPINION alone and what I had discovered through many years of study, experience and profession. There is an awesome website you can turn too called “tearsandhealing.com”. Like Sharon’s blog, it is a great site to gain more info. about this disorder. I am wishing you the best and again am thanking Sharon for this great blog. Peter

  64. Hi everybody! I’m glad I found this site! I have some questions I need answers for and hope to pick your brains. First, some background… there’s a lot of fighting in there, which I try to explain in the end.

    I’ve been with my wife for almost 5 1/2 years. She has an 8yo son from a previous marriage and I have 11 & 10yo daughters from a previous. We also have a 2 1/2yo special needs daughter together. When we first started dating, I was divorced, but exploring reuniting with my ex for the sake of our girls. My current wife found out about this, and almost ended it immediately. I was able to prove that it was simply for the girls that my ex and I have. My wife went on to help me get over my guilty feelings towards my daughters and help me understand that I didn’t cause my ex to become hooked on drugs and have an affair. I’ve never looked back!

    Shortly after this, my ex filed for full custody of my girls, and due to a technical issue, was awarded such. I immediately filed for a revision, and I’m still fighting to finalize things… we did get almost half the week back. During this time, my wife has for the most part, stood by my side. She has provided almost all of the financial backing for our fight too. When I say for the most part, I do because there are times when she wants to fight, and others where she wants to give up. Tons of back and forth.

    This situation, coupled with me working two jobs really put a strain on us. We moved in together not long after the court thing started and things were good, but never great. My wife wanted to marry me, but I thought we should wait until court was over (so they couldn’t get at her finances). About 1 1/2 years into our relationship, her father helped us buy a house. It was at this time she dropped a bombshell on me. I knew things weren’t spectacular between us, but she felt things were awful. She told me that she had been talking to someone else for a few weeks and was in love with him. I hung around the house for a month or so, until I could afford to move out. She eventually came to me and told me I was ruining her relationship and needed to go now. I obliged, and moved out in 8 hours one day while she was at work (yes, I was an ass for not giving notice, but her new guy had tons of money to buy her new stuff). It turns out, this new guy was a narcissist and really violent. She ended up at my new condo a month after I moved out. We decided to reconcile, and after a long process of getting rid of the other guy, I moved back in with her.

    Not long after this, we became pregnant with our daughter. Fast-forward a bit to the birth of our daughter… it was shortly after this that I finally quit my 2nd job. During this time, things weren’t great, but weren’t horrible either. When my daughter was almost a year old, I decided to go back to school for nursing, to help the family financially. That next Thanksgiving, I asked her to marry me, and we tied the not last July. We were only married in God’s eyes, as we couldn’t take our state license to a different state… we didn’t figure this out until it was too late. It has always been my intent to make it legal, but felt that we should wait until court was over, as now I need to file bankruptcy. I don’t want to drag her into it.

    Fast-forward until 3 weeks ago. I had told her I was thinking about leaving and finally told her I couldn’t take it anymore and sent her a link to BPD. Two hours after that I tried to reconcile, but she was already hanging out with an ex-boyfriend. She has been with him every other day since also. We still live together, and function as a family, but we definitely aren’t functioning as married. We are seeing a counselor and she says she’s confused… so I don’t know what the future holds.

    Here are the reasons that I think she is BPD:

    1: Hot and cold. Her parents and siblings describe a similar experience as I’ve had. You’re either good or bad, and this can change instantly.
    2: She can go 0-60 in seconds. I try to walk away from our fights, and she will follow me and give me 20 minute talks on how bad I am.
    3: She has had 20+ jobs at only 29yo. She constantly changes her future goals between school and work.
    4: She always had fears I would leave her, despite never giving her a reason until recently.
    5: Both this breakup and the last one, she was immediately with someone else.
    6: Has been drinking heavily with this guy, despite rarely drinking prior to.
    7: believes she needs to find herself, yet has kids (one of them special needs). I’m not discounting this, but partying like her other friends isn’t really realistic.
    8: History of abuse in the past.

    She just today told me that she has never been happy in our relationship and it has always been a burden. If this is so, then why did she marry me and why are we going on a date to see if there’s anything there tomorrow? I know we’ve had a lot of stressors; my ex, our poor communication, court, me not being home with work and school (almost done with school), our special needs daughter, and I have ADD (makes me lazy and forgetful). Even with all this, it’s not enough to run. I feel it really is BPD and don’t know what to do. I still love her, and she is a wonderful mother. She has told me in the past, that she knows she has beaten me down and this has effected our relationship, sex life, my confidence, and many other things. I still know the real her that lies beneath all this. She also will admit at times that she had a part in all this, but right now, everything is my fault!

    1: should I give up?
    2: She has had an initial visit with a psych, but now won’t schedule. How do I get her to go back?
    3: Will she come back to me after this episode passes or her ex gets into it with her?
    4: Can I trust her in the future, our will this running away be a constant cycle?
    5; Can she learn to talk with me instead of fighting?

    Sorry this is so long and poorly written. I’m overly stressed right now. We have a lot more at stake with the kids involved and I do want things to work. We’re staying in the same house until I’m done with school in July, and possibly longer, so I’ve got to figure out what is going to become of everything.

    • Sorry for the delay in replying and sorry you are going through so much. As I always say, I’m not trained to diagnose BPD and only a medical doctor can do so. However, regardless of diagnosis, dealing with situations like this is probably much the same. From my experience as a BPD I would answer your questions like this –
      1: should you give up? Most likely, yes. Whatever her issues, she is currently very unwell and not receiving the help she needs to recover and be a stable person. As such she is likely to continue these cycles of damaging behaviour, which are not good for you or anyone else touched by what is happening.
      2: No-one can get her to go back unless she wants to go. Trying to persuade her may just be seen as another attempt to manipulate or control her (which is how she will probably see any behaviour by you as being if it is not just letting her get away with doing whatever she wants to do, regardless of who gets hurt).
      3: Yeah, there is a strong possibility she will come back to you, she doesn’t seem to have reached the point where it would be her that insists on ‘no contact’ following a break up with you. If she reaches that point, the chances are you would never see her again after she asks for no contact.
      4: No, while she is ill you will never be able to trust her. Only if/when she is recovered following a great deal of therapy help will she be stable and secure enough to hold down a lasting, meaningful relationship.
      5: Possibly, but again this is likely to require the help of therapy to achieve. Currently she is to volatile, constantly living like a volcano waiting to erupt, and the slightest trigger can make her blow.
      Sorry this is not more positive news for you, but unfortunately when someone is unwell nothing a loving partner says or does will be enough to help them get better. They need to want to get better themselves, seek out the right help to do so and work damn hard at getting better so they can live a normal, happy life again.

      • This answer is to TraumaJeff……………….I am a state licensed Nurse and have commented on this blog before. I merely want to be of assist to you. I agree with Sharon. From what I “hear” you writing, your current wife does fit the critical diagnostics for BPD behaviour. Unfortunately said, but true. I had found this site three years ago and found it extremely healing and important for my own recovery since my last and best (at the time) girl friend also had/has BPD. I know what the signs are now and I also realize as a health care giver how I had contributed towards her (and mine) illness. Simply because they draw us into their tornado, right down to the “bottom of hell”. It felt as though I was inoculated by the poisons of some spider, we go hence with the fury of the dark journey. Our minds simply “spin” with theirs because we love them so much and want to do every thing to “make it work”. Unfortunately most of the time, no matter what patience is put into the relationship, it will not work. How can One lead the horse to the pond? Can One make an alcoholic stop drinking? No! They are ill,….they are TREMENDOUSLY ILL as the cycle of abuse continues. Borderline Personality Disorder is listed in as DSM-IV. They must get help and recognise this about themselves that they are the Ones in the err. There is help for this type of disorder. It is DBT by Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of this. Read her books also Tearsandhealing.com by Skerritt. Being in a relationship with soomeone who has BPD is like jumping out of an airplane, pulling the rip-chord and realizing the main chute won’t open. Try this several times as you had and your life will continue to be alike a living hell. Tormented between hoping things will work and then getting beaten down. I have learned that their “I love you, I hate you, back and forth” behaviour is definitely not one of love. It is an illness. Sure they want to be loved, more than anyone. They find someone like you or me, who are esp. healthcare givers, they flock for the opportunity to be cared. Consider your actions please if you should stay until the next bomb drops. It will get worse. My ex-gf maliciously filed for a restraining order against me, claiming I was stalking and harassing her when infact none of this was true. Later she claimed i was a sex predator. She had tried to have my license revoked and convicted. I went through crazy hell. none of those claims by her were true. Ask yourself if you really want to lose your life, your beuatiful right to breath freedom and real love. Please get clinical psychological help for your own self and get out of the relationship before it gets worse. That is my own two cents. I did. While I still love the person from the distance, my life has since improved alot and whats best is that I do have my own life back in full. I have made and have connected with loving friends who helped me through this mess. I hope this is of some help to you.

  65. Hi showard76,
    I have a question about BPD. I am alsmost 100 percent my gf has bpd she has all the symtoms and the troubled child hood.
    She is 20 and im 30 by the way and she has her own baby from another relationship who i have helped raise for the last 9 months. She left me 2 nearly 3 months ago after a big breakdown she accused me of not wanting to have sex with her anymore and i always did it was jjust every now and then i couldnt becasue of my job i was doing nighshift and only getting 4 hours sleep a day! Thats after cooking for us helping with the baby and her juggling part time work.
    So she leaves me back to her parents, says shes doing absolutuley great goes out changes starts partying getting with guys. Even had a few one night stands but had to tell me about it all.
    She has kept regular contact still and always calls texts or comes over. It got to a point where i went off at her to stop becasue i need to heal from a brken heart but i just dont think she understands my emotions.
    She paints me black all the time but then im white before i know it, i must admit i love her so much still and her baby. I asked to take the baby sometimes and be there for it becasuse i know it loves me alot still, its a sad situation becasue i know she struggles being a mum and working and i just want to be its dad still and i really want her back in my house to be a family again. I understand whats going through her mind because she had all the insecurities while we were together but i did not understand or know how to handle her. I know now that she needs help, i had a letter wrtitten to her about i think she has bpd and i want her to seek help and i’d do anything to help her achieve that. Her text msg response was stop telling me what to do!! But i told her i love her and her daugter still and care so much for them.
    She is troubled and deals with it but i know that soon enough things may get to a boiling point and im prepared to take her on again ive become stronger over this and im aware she is not well, but no one else notices her parents dont even take much care to it rahter than ignore it. She needs help so she can cope better and i know she loved me but the question is how much? Does she still ? She still has all our facebook pics up as a family. Deep down does she want me but cant? I just want to know what she may be thinking in your thoughts its driving me insane!!
    We get along great and actually are good friends when i think about it all after constant fighting push pull behaviour from both of us.
    Please share your thoughts what you think is going on i her mind its nearly 3 months no closure and shes still in my life. She hasnt mentioned a new bf either.

    • Hi, thanks for sharing. I can’t diagnose your girlfriend, any more than you can, only a trained specialist could do that. That said I will try to answer your questions. It is impossible to tell if she still loves you or ever really did, it could be that she does/did but is unable to cope with her emotions due to being unwell, or you may just have been a rescuer in a time of need and she may keep coming back when she needs help but never be able to commit to you properly. She could just be pushing you away through fear of abandonment. You can either wait and see how things develop or make the decision for yourself about whether you can handle this uncertainty long term or would rather make a clean break now (despite loving her and the child) because you may never get any more than the push-pull that leaves you in limbo, confused and wondering all the time.

      • Agree with showard76. You have to see the light and understand that these ladies arent well. You are only going to get hurt in end. Rather cut ties and find someone healthy minded. You will see a huge difference in behavior etc.

  66. Hi. Sorry in advance for the length. I’m recently broken up with my BPD on/off “girlfriend” of 10 months. She was in pretty heavy therapy and never told me she had BPD, but my therapist assured me 99% that she is after hearing of our roller coaster. We met on a vacation in Mexico and I fell for her pretty hard and fast. Nothing at all happened during the vacation except spending time together with some of her friends-I was alone. Then-she asked me if I would adopt a dog for her and bring it back to the states. We lived in different cities on the west coast but I thought, “That’s the strangest, best request I’ve ever heard.” So I did it. She came to visit about a month later and we obviously connected but hadn’t had sex yet. I held on to the dog as she said she was really busy and I didn’t mind. I went to visit her and then we made plans to go travel together. I bought us some tickets to go to some pretty exotic places-and then it started to happen. Yes, no. Excited, canceling, telling me she’d really wanted to go but had been on a few other dates, etc…
    Anyway, after canceling one of the trips and not getting my money back(I’ll admit here my own foolishness and am learning a lot about my own issues in therapy as to why I was attracted to her and went further out of my way and tried harder than I ever have in my life or any relationship)we went to one of the most beautiful places in the world, fell in love, all that good stuff. The red flags were there from the beginning. She even warned me before we left that she could be very mean. I had no idea. She’s extremely intelligent and that was very attractive to me, but her verbal dexterity had me so confused during fights that I was lost as I never had been before-completely confounded. But the makeups were amazing, brought us closer together each time. It went so well that she said she wanted to come with me to meet my family as I was going right after our trip. We stopped for a wedding of my friend on the way and had our first big breakup fight. She was out of control, accusing me of having a thing for the bride who was like a sister to me-it drove me crazy. She actually put her hands around my throat back at the hotel when I told her I was not going to give her all of our pics from our trip(some were innocently naked of both of us as we were skinny dipping.) I calmly put my hands behind my back and asked her to stop. I told her I’m done and I’m just going to erase everything, as I was doing this I said “I can’t believe I thought of spending my life with you.” She completely changed in that moment. I was overwhelmed by her apologies and admissions of her love for me and that she wanted to marry me and have my kids, etc…
    We went to meet my family and we became closer and closer. When we got back home, we became extremely close, revealing some dark abuse from our pasts. I asked her to be in a committed relationship. She was unsure but then said yes absolutely. A week goes by, her therapist hears about the trip and thinks I’m amazing and asks me to come in. She asks what I think and I say let’s do it! Then she goes to Burning Man. The day she left is the last day I felt really connected to her. She told me she love me and called me 6 times that day like she wanted to be in touch as much as possible before no contact. When she returned she told me about an orgasmic experience that she had with a girlfriend of hers at an orgasm clinic.(I now realize it was probably a lot more than just that) I reacted nervously but in no way harshly or judgmental, although she took my nervousness and questions as a slight. This was the beginning of the end. Within a week she told me that all the love she had for me had evaporated and when I reminded her that she really hurt me by saying that a week later, she denied having said it.
    For the next 8 months the roller coaster began. I miss you want to see you, disappearing, starting fights, criticizing me, verbally abusing and belittling me. I was not only so hurt but shocked that I would even put up with this kind of abuse as I had never let anybody talk to me the way she did. She eventually came to visit twice in the next 2 months. Fights, make ups, amazing sex that got us closer and closer. She left on a high note but then picked another fight over the phone again. Eventually I asked what I had suspected for a long time-had she been sleeping with anyone else. Yes. I was done. She asked if we could try again, I foolishly said yes. A week goes by and she tells me that she can’t be in any relationship with anyone. Devastated me as it took so much for me to forgive her. I walked away. She calls me a week later asking me to please try again because she’s learned a lot in therapy and invites me to meet her family for the holidays. I see this as a major breakthrough so I agree. Another week goes by and the same thing-can’t be in a relationship with anyone, telling me she loves me(which I hadn’t heard since before Burning Man)as she’s ending it and to give her time because she’s thinking of us “long term.” I let her go. Again. But somehow I feel it’s not over. And it’s not. We meet up a few weeks later in a neutral city and begin again. Start making plans to do the trip we had planned the previous summer. She comes to visit for a month(not planned that long but ended up being a month)I take her for a surprise Bday trip to NYC and lavish her with gifts as I always did and outings, etc.(I pay for nearly everything as she hasn’t worked the entire time we were together-she was taking a sabbatical after a bad breakup)We fight a lot but eventually smooth out and we’re in love again-at least I am and I tell her so. We experience an entire new level of sexual intimacy that it now devastating to think about, touched on more past traumas that were very revealing as to why she was the she was, but then the end came. It started out ok, we talked about when she would leave we agreed in a week so that I could finish my work and have the weekend together. 30 minutes late she sends me an email from inside my house saying she want to leave sooner. I’m upset by this as we just agreed and this starts a fight. She starts saying “Just say you don’t ever want to see me again!” OVER AND OVER. I’m at a complete loss for words as I can’t understand what part of me wanting her to stay makes her think that?! Eventually I tell her that there’s an opportunity for both of us to compromise and she stomps her foot and says, “I won’t budge!” I’m so hurt by this that I tell her that I don’t think that I can be in a relationship with someone that says that when there’s a chance to compromise. She says fine. Cold as ice. Minutes after crying and screaming that she thought I was better than this. I have to leave the house to cool down, not really thinking this is over and that she would just want it to end-I didn’t I was just so upset and failing miserably at trying to reach her. I come back an hour later and she’s gone. Just like that. I frantically call and text her, she says shes fine and she’ll call me when she gets home. A week goes by. An email comes saying she thinks we should find people that give us what we need. We talk on the phone and it’s like talking to a stranger. I apologize for everything and she just says thanks. That’s it. Unbelievable. I’m in shock.
    Get ready, here’s the kicker.
    During each of our times together going all the way back to our first trip together when we started having sex, she would have horrible itchiness in her vagina. We would go to the doctor and here that it was “Honeymoonsystitis” common when having a lot of sex. We got tested after our first trip and she told me she was negative for everything but never sent me her results as I did send mine to her. This continued on each of our times together because we had so much sex. This last time was really bad so she went to the doc again and got all kinds of tests. Immediately after the breakup I realized she never told me her test results so I asked her minutes after the breakup. She said they were all negative. I asked to see all of them and thats when things went haywire. She became very evasive about one thing in particular, herpes. She said that she didn’t get tested this time because it was uncommon. I was floored. I asked her to get tested repeatedly and after a fight she agreed and I’d do the same. Guess what? She said was negative. She started sending me screen shots of emails from her doctor saying she was negative. I asked very delicately to see the actual lab results and she went crazy accusing me of controlling her and that she didn’t even care to see my results as it’s none of each others business anymore-right after apologizing and saying “I’m sorry for fighting I know this concerns both of our health so of course I care.” I got mine back and I came out positive. Devastating. I let her know this and she sends an email saying she’s incredibly saddened to hear this and give her time to think about how to approach our relationship-and please send her my results-unbelievable. I wait a few days, write her a long letter about how hurt, confused, broken hearted I am, assigning no blame at all as I’m aware and been informed by the docs that it’s futile to try to figure out where it came from as it could have been either of us. I send her my results and asked her to send her actual results, also my hard drive that had our entire vacations videos and pics on them-please erase and return, and I sent her the jewelry that I bought that she left here on purpose-the very first thing I bought her. A month goes by. Nothing. I’m blocked on every form of social media, email, etc… Today I get a package. It’s the package I sent her. It’s been opened but there’s nothing new in it. No test results, no hard drive, etc…
    I’ve been in deep deep therapy this past month trying to get my head around this. Had a couple of complete meltdowns and struggle everyday with this. My question? What. The. Fuck? What was the purpose of sending me back exactly what I sent? Why not send my hard drive back erased? Why only send back the jewelry that I just sent and not all the rest of the jewelry/gifts that i had given her over the year as well? What does this mean? My friends/therapist think it’s manipulation, to evoke some sort of response from me asking where’s the rest? Is this it? Am I demonized now, split black forever, never to hear from her again? What was the point in sending this at all. Why not just throw it away? Why wait a month to do it? React? Don’t react? Wait awhile? Here’s the craziest part. I still love her.
    So lost.

    • Sorry to hear of your situation, it sounds like you have had some whirlwind times! I don’t have any further insight into why she would just send back what you had sent her, other than what has already been suggested in that she wants a response from you. I think not reacting is probably the best move for you because any reaction would trigger her in some way and the last thing you need is for the whole thing to start again. As difficult as it will be you need to let go, hopefully your therapist can help with that? I wish you all the best and hope you manage to find someone who will love you properly and not treat you badly.

  67. Hi, i dont know if i am suffering from BPD but i broke up with my girlfriend, the love of my life, who is everything for me..i broke up with her because i thought that i liked someone else and i did as the other girl asked me to do, so heres the catch, when i was flirting with the other girl, and when i went out with her, i knew its wrong, i hear these voices..i am fighting with them, one says that you go ahead and do whatever you want to do, other said that no this is wrong, you still love her, dont cheat on her..this is wrong..how can you do this someone who gave you everything, who was always there for me..then again the other said fuck all that..you just go ahead and do it and it took control over me…i cheated on her..i knew its wrong..but still did it…when i realized it..i went back to her and begged her that what i did was wrong and i knew it was wrong but i did it anyway, i did whatever the other girl asked me to do…
    what is this???

    • It sounds like very impulsive and out of control behaviour which I have experienced myself. You need to get some help, a therapist, so you can learn to control these impulsive behaviours. Good luck!

  68. Hello,

    Thank you for your blog. It was very educating to read about the disorder. I have a few questions that I would like to ask. I just stopped talking to an ex who I believe has BPD (he refuses to visit a psychologist but says he has issues). We have been on and off for 5 years. I broke up with him first 2 ties because after we would get really close he would start running away and basically sabotaging the relationship. Honestly, I have a feeling he wanted to drive me to the point where I would break up with him. He would then always come back to me, initiate contact, talk about a more serious relationship, the future and basically give me the silent treatment all of a sudden. I kept changing my approach to him and nothing would stop the long silent treatment episodes. He would go from being the nicest guy to acing like a jerk in half an hour without me doing anything. My questions is, why does he keep coming back to me? He is hurting me and I have expressed that to him. He knows I have feelings for him and is he just playing me or is he just keeping me around until he finds someone better? The thing is, when he comes back, he mostly likes just talking to me, spending just quiet time with me (nothing sexual). Am I just being used by this man? I am lost and extremely hurt…

    Thank you!


    • Coming back is the whole ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’ thing, the fear of abandonment is so strong that we push away the people closest to us in the (mistaken?) belief that eventually they will leave us anyway. It is a constant push-pull cycle. This guy has issues, whether or not they are BPD the fact remains that unless he gets help this behaviour is unlikely to change and you would be better off breaking out of the cycle, you are the one in control. As much as it hurts it will only keep on hurting if you let it continue, for your own sake you need to break the cycle and let him go…

  69. Hello everyone! Hello showard76! I am so grateful to you for writing about this condition from the perspective of a sufferer. I hope at some point to tell you all the details of my current saga with my spouse so that you could possibly interpret some of the events that I find to be incredibly bizarre. At the moment, I just need to know in what category does my husband fit into if he has this disorder and how should I proceed next?

    From the very first day of meeting him, my husband said he knew he would marry me. But for three years he stayed away. When we finally did begin a relationship, I figured it was because he finally gained the maturity he didn’t have at the age of 20 (I am 23 now), but he told me it was because he knew that if he kissed me that night we met he would have “destroyed me”. I never understood any of this, chalking it up him being romantic and full of himself.

    A year later we got married and I unfortunately fell very ill during our honeymoon due to a tetanus infection. I was in the ICU for almost two months and during that period he was an absolute darl’, taking care of me day and night. I was still very weak for the next 6 months after that and was told by the doctors that it would take a full year to get back all of my strength.

    We flew back home and within just a few months he started to act very strangely, accuse me of having bipolar. He had set all his family and friends against me. I began to believe him ( I now realize this may have just been gaslighting) but still couldn’t understand why he was acting the way he did. He would twist all my words, interpreting them in the worst possible light and try to provoke me. When I tried to leave the house to stay at my aunt’s so that he could get some of his strength back he would refuse to let me out of the house, hid my keys and license, saying that it was for my own protection. Deep down inside, I was really beginning to believe him until I found a book in his car about how to love someone with bipolar. After reading the list of criteria, I relaxed as I realized this did not fit my description at all. I came home with great relief telling him that I didn’t have this problem. From that day on, he never mentioned bipolar again.

    The following months he gave me many ultimatums, refusing to come home to me, saying I needed to go see a psychotherapist. By this point, I had already seen one psychiatrist at his request who did not find anything abnormal, other than the fact that I was still recovering from a near death experience. He had told me at some point that when he went to see the psychiatrist for himself, who told him that I had exhibited signs of a bipolar person. I later called him and found out that this wasn’t true and that protocol prohibits him from even discussing me to my spouse. Still, he insisted I go see a professional. By this point he would often sleep in a hotel or at a friend’s house. If he did sleep at home, it was in a separate room. If I ever intrude or wake him up after 9 o’clock, he would leave, saying that I was not respecting his boundaries.

    I finally conceded as I felt that I would break this marriage if I didn’t do as he requested, though I was afraid I was enabling him. Sure enough, the therapist did not find anything. When I told him this, he said that he could have her license pulled for giving me such a diagnosis after one visit.

    By this point, things were bad.He now already accusing me of having BPD and whenever I tried to tell him that it was perhaps he who was the one with the problem, he would coldly say “no, you are projecting” or “no, you are invalidating my feelings”.
    When I found out that he was harboring a very disgusting secret and told him that it was wrong. He just laughed it off. Finally, he gave me his last ultimatum, saying that I had to go to a specific clinic for a grueling 5-day outpatient evaluation. At first I agreed, since he threatened divorce (he had secretly already begun the paperwork many months prior). Then one day in tears he told me that what if there really is nothing wrong with me, ” then we definitely have to divorce!” I found this logic incredibly backwards. He might divorce me if I had a problem, and would definitely do so, if I didn’t. I felt there was no way out.

    July 4th of last year I looked at an email he written to his parents and spiritual advisor. He wrote that he was leaving and would not come back until I had undergone treatment, if there is one. He wrote that he would not pay for any of my expenses, including groceries, gas, rent etc.By this point, my parents were worried sick about me and told me I had to fly home as I would have nothing and no one. It was 3am when I read the email, I woke him up, telling him to get out (he had warned me if I ever did wake him up that he would promptly leave) he refused to do so, which I thought was incredibly hypocritical of him.

    Within a few days, I had left. I flew back in September to see if we could reconcile, especially since my spiritual advisors were telling me that we were both young and divorce was not the answer. He told me that he will always love me, but that it was over. And yet he asked me to send all the pictures I had of us, including wedding photos. I told him if this is the way he felt that he please get all the divorce proceedings, both in the church and state, over and done with before our first anniversary which was the following month. Months dragged on and he did nothing. There was absolutely no communication between us. I decided to let him be, but he has done nothing to proceed with the church divorce. Even today, we are 100% married.

    This is my question for you. Now that I realize that all this bizarre behavior could be stemming from his mental issues, what type of borderline does he sound like? Is he the one to be suffering daily in silence and wishing for us to be together or has he moved on? I am willing to help him and be patient, so I would greatly appreciate if you could give me some insight into how to approach him.

    I plan on writing him him the following letter telling him that I cannot divorce him, so if he wishes to do so I will not stand in his way. I only ask that he keep in mind that I will be abroad so he tells me ahead of time when I need to be present for church proceedings.

    And then:

    “Please, do not blame yourself. As long as you have made your peace with God, I am content. Even in the greatest of obstacles, God is merciful and provides. I was able to find a wonderful job and begin the application process for medical school. So even today, I am blessed and have so many reasons to be profoundly grateful.
    I know this must be hard for you. If you need to talk, I am here for you.”


    This is how I truly feel. But how will he see it? Please give me some advice. Is there any way I can approach his parents and tell him that he is the one with the problem? They have shut me out. Even his spiritual advisor refuses to speak with me. I assume they all think I am the one with the issues.
    A few months back, I asked him how could he do all of this. He had promised me that he would always take care of me. His response : “I am taking care of you by divorcing you.” Your post about how you were leaving your SO to avoid hurting him now resonates with this statement more than ever.

    I apologize if this seemed long-winded. I only hope to fix this marriage, no matter the cost and think you could lend me your perspective on what he might be going through.

    • Hi, first of all I am no expert and not trained to diagnose anyone, anything I say is just based on my own experiences, what you really need is a trained therapist to assess and diagnose as only they can do. From what you say it doesn’t actually sound like borderline personality disorder to me, more like narcissistic personality disorder – entirely self-centred, without any push-pull or fear of abandonment – but as I say I’m not trained to diagnose. He sounds very much like he has not cared at all for a long time and only his own feelings matter. I don’t think it will be possible to reach out to him or his family etc with the idea that he is the one with a problem because he has done such a good job of manipulating them all to think you are the one with a problem that no-one would listen. Only by not being there/involved may they one day see for themselves that he is the one with some problem, a master of manipulation. At the time of leaving my partner I thought I was doing it to protect him but after many more therapy sessions, recovering (and meeting someone else at last) I have come to realise that while yes I was ill, he was actually making me more ill rather than helping me, he was controlling and manipulative in subtle ways that made it seem like I was the problem, and of course because I was ill with BPD it was so easy for me to take the blame for everything, both in my own head and everyone around us believing it was me too, until they saw how he was after and how I started to get better – suddenly the truth of his own behaviour became clear. One thing I do believe is that there is no saving this marriage, I’m sorry to say that until your husband sees that he has a problem and gets help for it (which no-one else can make him do) his behaviour will not change, or if it does it will only be by getting worse. I think the letter is a good idea and if you do not wish to proceed with the divorce yourself and can handle just leaving it be then do so. There may come a point later on when (if he has not finally sorted it out) that you feel ready to take that final step of divorce yourself (maybe you meet someone else?) but one thing you should not do is hold on to hope of reconciliation, as it sounds like he may never contact you again and just stay married to you so he always has that hold over you if he feels like manipulating you again 😦

  70. Hi Showard76

    I’ve been struggling with a recent break up with a girl who I suspect has BPD. I knew her for a long time before getting involved, and I had already heard several comments about her that were not too good. I decided that I wanted to give it a shot and see it for myself. I was studying for an MBA degree in another country and we started to talk over the internet. She was amazed of my decision (MBA) since it is a very difficult school and admired me for almost everything.

    When she was 3 years old, her mother left her. She lived with her dad and had a difficult childhood. His dad married again with a loving woman (I know her) and my ex-gf felt they where stealing “daddy” from her. One day, in one of our conversations she admitted that she had plotted to poison her step-mother with a friend of hers. Her dad died when she was 26 after a long battle with cancer. Afterwards, she had a lot of crazy-making relationships, was sexually promiscuous and admitted to me that sometimes she left guys “hanging dry and crazy” because in the beginning, she was very passionate and abruptly left.

    During college, she had several relationships that according to her, were very difficult. She broke up and came back together again during her whole college years with the same guy. Afterwards, she worked in another country and started to date a guy that was “bipolar”. She told me she tried to control him sexually, but could not get a hold with him. She then decided to study a masters program that she didn’t finish (but on her CV she says she did..). After the masters program, she returned to her country and moved in with her mom (they reconciled).

    At the beginning of my relationship I felt extremely good that someone admired who I was. I admired her as well, and was very happy for her Job. She told everyone how I looked, acted and was like her daddy (that felt kind of strange). I told her once that I in no ways was trying to replace her lost father but that I was going to treat her with love and respect that she deserved. I was ensnared by her looks and her clinginess. She told me that she had decided to change her ways of life and she couldn’t understand how a guy like me could love her because of her past. She started to talk about marriage and naming our kids, opened a Pinterest account to share pictures of wedding gowns, wedding images, wedding rings, etc.

    The first time we dated, she got sexual. I gave in. She told me how incredible I was, that I made her feel good and everything, but with time she started to talk about her sexual encounters with other guys. How she sometimes faked it, and how she could “blow”, and that guys adored it. The day she stated this, I slept in a separate room. I was destroyed, I felt nausea, and I could not understand why she was telling this to me. I cried all night because I felt she had stabbed me in my chest. I was stupid enough not to break up after this conversation. I even heard one day as she spoke over the phone with her newly-wed friend as she gave her “advice about her husband”, that she had to be intelligent and control her man in the bedroom..”A lady in the street, a bitch in the bedroom” she said..

    During vacations of my MBA program, we went to a house my family owns at the lake. She felt so entitled she started to ask for plants to be removed because she did not like them, and took stuff from my sister without asking. We both love dogs, so she took her dog and started to talk to my parents that I should consider the dog as a training program so I become accustomed to kids: “I already fed the dog, and your son will be taking care of it for me all day long, because this is it how is going to be when we marry and have kids.” She used to say to my family.

    The dog seemed to be everything to her. She once stated that if she lost a son or daughter it was going to be ok because she could have another one, but if she lost her dog she would commit suicide. Speaking about kids, she was a very active person against abortion (socially). But when we were alone, she stated that if she got pregnant from me that she was in no position to have a kid so she was to immediately abort.

    She started to badmouth my education to my family and left the place every time my siblings talked about how well my career was going. She never told me about this, so my parents decided to tell me how she acted when I was not around. The day I confronted her about it, she turned the tables on me and told everything was my fault. I calmed her down and fought everything was going to be ok. However, stuff got even worse. She pushed me around to buy her stuff, and If I did not comply she would tell I was a selfish, egocentric guy. I was a student at that time and had no income, so I saved christmas presents or birthday presents that were given from my family members to buy a nice present for her.

    I would like to continue my story but it is kind of long, so I will take you to the end, which was a month ago. I had been with her for spring break and was one month of graduating from my MBA program. That week she had already programmed everyday for me to help her around with a house she was moving in, asked for money for some doors she needed (she stated she was broke and when I came in her house she had already purchased fancy lights) so I sold my mountain bike to help her out. “You should buy this and this, since this will be the house where we will live”, she said. In some way, she was forcing me to buy stuff for her place, used me as a driver to move her stuff into the place and it was never enough. I needed to rest, but if I said this, she would explode and tell me I was not a man.

    The day I left to finish my MBA, she said she loved me, and she was anxiously waiting for me to come back and marry. Two days later she told me I was a baby, I was NOT LIKE HER DAD, that I was emotionally dependent to her, that I tried to help but did not solve a thing, that she loved me but was not in love, and that I should take this break up as a life-lesson so I would grow up, and I had nothing else to do but to face it. Also, she stated that I should start looking for someone else because she was not going to lose her time and was going to start dating immediately. Last thing I heard, she started to reinvent herself, getting new looks etc…

    I understand this relationship was extremely abusive, and I think she left because I had already been in an abusive relationship and was strong enough to place boundaries and maybe this chased her away. She even told me my parents were not doing good with me for giving me my MBA and that they should give me “my part of the money” right now. I got pretty angry with this statement since my family has always been correct in their actions and this comment blew of my mind. I replied with respect that it was my family’s money and they needed it as they grew older.

    Now I am confused, I feel extreme guilt and shame and I can’t stand the thought of the “good part of her” being with another guy, though I know that maybe this thing of her will repeat with other suitors as long as she does not get help..

    Sorry for the long story. I AM CONFUSED..

    • Hi, sounds like you have been through hell a bit there! She clearly does have issues which sound like BPD, but only a trained specialist can diagnose that for certain. Whatever it is I think you are better off out of it. She won’t get better unless she wants to and gets help, but for that to occur she first has to realise there is a problem, which may be the hardest part and not something you should consider taking on. Yes, this pattern of behaviour is likely to repeat unless she gets help. The best thing you can do is let go, with the support of your family and maybe a little counselling to help you get over the trauma, because it is like a period of grieving trying to recover from a relationship that has been toxic and abusive.I hope you manage to find peace and let go of this woman.

      • Thank you very much for your insight.

        It has been very difficult to me the past few weeks because I have been trying to find some answers to get closure. I understand however, that I will have to close the wounds myself. I loved my ex deeply, but now I understand that it was not going to work out no matter how hard I tried, or how much love I showed.

        I started therapy yesterday, and it is helping me to untangle my thoughts. You see, I have been feeling guilty that I “wasn’t enough”, as she said…and it was hurtful to see how someone that hung on to me could throw me away as if I was nothing.

        My family has been very supportive, and it has been a hard job to make them understand that although I know it was not healthy for me, my head is spinning around like crazy..

        I have found a very good therapist, so I’m looking forward for a complete recovery from my pain.

        Again thank you, and I admire you for finding a way to share your experience and making your life better for people who love you.



      • You’re welcome. It is very difficult to get answers and closure in these situations, because in many ways she will be unable to provide them just because she will not fully comprehend it herself – it is like someone else is driving and we are just a passenger as this other person steamrollers through our life destroying everything we hold dear! I hope your therapy helps and I am sure you will recovery fully eventually. Best wishes Sharon x

      • This message is for Rod. I wish to thank Sharon for this wonderful blog site on Borderline Personality Disorder. I am a state licensed Nurse and have several years experience working along-side psychiatric patients and in lock down units in major hospitals in my area. So, I do know a few things about this disorder. However I did not know about just how destructive its ramifications can be towards us “nons”, a term used by Richard Skerrit in his books to identify people who love and are in relationships with those affected with BPD. A.K.A. “non-BPD”. I was involved with a lady who was undiagnosed and therefore went unmedicated during our relationship. Ours too was a very deep relationship. I had loved her deeply and without compromise. “She could do no wrong” in my eyes. There were many flags. I choose to avoid them. Towards “the end”, she had escalated her false accusations towards me as the disorder had cycled upwrads into an all out crazy mess. It had felt as though I had been completely sucked into the bottom of a dark abyss and as I had tried to “climb out of the inside of this metaphorical greased up cylinder, I had kept sliding back into its depth. I had felt like i was poisoned by the aftermath of the abuse that was done to me. My mind was spinning as “they” do spin us into thinking that we are the crazy ones…..and not them. My late gf did almost anything to make me look bad, to place fault on me towards the end. She even went to the extent of taking me to court for things I never done. She did this during the height of the disorders’ cycle so I would not know what was “wrong with her”. She made me think I was the crazy one. I had months of therapy. My friends hung with me close by. I had to communicate with them daily, sometimes an hour at a time. They told me that time will heal. What really began to heal me was the truth that came to me that I needed to love my self first before I can love and eventually start to caretake someone else. My sense of self worth, self esteem had been severely damaged “by her” continual verbal assaults towards me. It had erroded. What I had thought would kill me,…made me stronger towards the end of my long term recovery. Eventually my mind had started to “clear” from all the abuse, the darkness and a greater sense of who I was, was finally reborn. I got busy ………and when I got busy, the affects of the past started to disappear from my immediate consciousness. I am still in recovery after two years of not having any contact with her. You will eventually know that your ex-gf, has a very deep disorder. For your own well-being, it is very important she has a DSM-IV mental illness. Please read all you can through online discussions about BPD. The tools are out there. Just know that YOU will heal.

      • Sharon, Just know that YOU are indeed awesome and loved. I do understand BPD as a Non-BPD now more than ever, esp. through your blog site. Those that have this “dis-order” of the mind have it hard. Exponentially hard. Life takes on a very different meaning when “someone else is driving your spirit” during the second and epic cycle of BPD. It amazes me daily that you and others with BPD have to utilize other coping skills and keep on the up and up. I know it is exponentially hard for you at times. And so the reason i am writing this because I am especially proud of you that in my life time, quality people such as your self come out of the woods to share deeply as you do through sharing of your experiences, lending a helping hand and heart to others who are in the need for recovery. Yes, you are shedding the ligtht! And as you recover,………..so am I and perhaps some day, so will my ex-gf. Just because we don’t see them any more, does snot mean we don’t love them any more. The difference is that we arrive at an increased level of spiritual insight and understanding of where we are in the day and where we are in the night. For One to know the “depths”, is also to know both the light and darkness.

  71. This makes me want to hug you (from a distance)…I have been burnt by someone I fear has BPD. Usual romance story, met randomly, serious chemistry, couldn’t be together enough, she spoiled me with compliments and small treats, feelings became involved, deep secrets shared, emotional closeness, undying affection and care, felt like it was my soulmate…THEN BOOM. Lies, deceit, drug/alcohol abuse, cold shoulder, pushing me away, didn’t care about hurting me or my feelings, emotionally distant and finally broke up with me and returned to her ex. (blamed me for everything bad that happened)

    I feel sorry for her cause she has such an amazing person trapped inside her, she has a big heart but her bloody brain is screwed up because of her mothers drinking problems while she was a child, parents divorce, mothers boyfriends apparently molested her, daddy wasn’t there to listen. I just want to hold her in my arms and keep her safe from the world but I can’t keep her safe from herself.

    I get angry at her for not telling me the truth, why she cheated on me, why she lied to me and I get seriously pissed but once I cool down I want to help her, take her to see a therapist or get through to her. She has completely shut me out, complete NO CONTACT. We live in the same complex in a small town, its difficult to not go see her but I know I am better off leaving her alone, I only hope she sometimes thinks of me and smiles about the good times we shared.

    Sorry there is so much misunderstanding towards people with BPD but you have to look objectively at it and say those who suffer from it can be seriously mean ass SOB’s and damn it hurts when one cuts you. Physical pain is easy, emotional pain is devastating.

    • Hi Trav, yeah that was a clear case of her illness taking control, I’ve been there. It’s like a whole different person, the real, loving amazing me is replaced by this horrible, badly behaved, bitch and it’s like I’m trapped inside this other person watching them ruin my life, but it does come out as a defence mechanism, something has triggered it (maybe, or maybe not the person getting the brunt of the badness). I don’t think she would be able to tell you the truth if she wanted to because the truth is she probably doesn’t know, she was a passenger along for an unwanted joyride. The cutting you out, no contact thing is another coping mechanism, it is too painful to be near someone who has seen us in that way. Yes, BPD sufferers can be seriously mean even though (most) would never intend to be like that, it’s like a bit of the devastating emotional pain we live with everyday seeps out occasionally and gets directed onto someone else, so they get a taste of the pain we live with all our lives, not nice but without the help and support of good therapy not something we can control 😦

      • No, today I feel no remorse for her. She has been seen with 2 men in the last 3 days being intimate in public places knowing I will find out. She has even put a restraining order against me because I have been trying to speak with her. I am starting to believe she may be a sociopath/psychopath. She wants to hurt me more and more, its really vindictive and an outright assault on my personal life. You say she is a whole different person, I say she is completely aware of her actions and gets a kick out of sucking the life out of people. Sorry, I am very angry today.

      • Don’t be sorry, you have a right to be angry. If she is aware of her actions you may be right, BPD may not be the answer something else could well be at play, unfortunately only the medically trained could say for certain. Sorry for your hurting 😦

  72. Peter,

    I just saw your message. I feel I am in a greased cylinder too. This past few days have been difficult because I’ve heard she is dating already (after 1 month of breaking up with me). Most of the time I think ¿How could she left me so fast, leave a mess behind and “move on” to someone new? It is very painful to accept that the person I loved was just an illusion.

    Right now, I’ve been trying to scrape from my skin all the garbage she threw with no remorse. Even though it is just her projection on me, it has been a toxic experience. As she shouted and told that I HAD to hear everything she was vomiting on me (it sounded like she was a mother beating her kid emotionally) I felt I had no power, and was not able to say some things of my own.

    As we broke up she mentioned to me that she had left several guys behind COMPLETELY DESTROYED and crazy. I bet she did. She told me that I should be thankful that she was not “too passionate” with me, or else I would be left destroyed as the other guys. Right know I have this huge dilemma in my mind. Sometimes I think about how she left me behind, sometimes I think she has a problem, sometimes I think I’m crazy, but sometimes I think I saved myself from a time bomb that grew bigger as the relationship aged.

    There are several things that come up in my mind that switches my angry mode on. One of them was how she tried to destroy my happiness before I graduated as an MBA from a very difficult school. Also, how she took some money and broke up two days later, stating that I was a “generous guy” but I was not enough. And finally, she tried to make some moves for me to lash out against my family. Unfortunately, I fought with my sister some weeks ago, just to find out my ex SET ME UP. I already reconciled with my sister :).

    Last week I started EMDR therapy with a psychologist that is close to my family. It has been a ride which I hope will help me get out of the cylinder fast. I have been reading tons of stuff over the internet that has helped clear up my mind (sometimes). I read about this whole dependency issues, and came to a conclusion. There is the bad kind (co-dependency) and the good kind (inter-dependency). My ex always stated that I was the only thing I had, and if I left her she was going to be left all alone to die. This is co-dependency.

    As we broke up, she told me I was emotionally dependent on her. This was based on a discussion we had because she was not putting her part in our relationship (we were long distance). I told her I needed to hear her voice sometime, and that I felt special when she said “good morning, I wish you have a good day” or even a “good night, I love you.” I had to do all the work, and every time she talked or texted was because she needed a “favor”, or to tell that she was entitled to a “double present” for valentines because I had only given one gift on christmas (our anniversary was on christmas). I was a student at that time with no income, so I could not comply with a double present, I sent some flowers which I had previously bought, and on valentines she wrote “the flowers are almost dead, you should call to ask for a refund.” No I love-you’s, no I love the flowers I sent, no nothing.

    In a relationship, two people love each other and therefore, sometimes NEED each other in troubling times, for example. If one falls, the other picks the other and vice-versa, or if both fall, both stand together to see things through. This is what I’ve seen in my house with my parents. This is inter-dependence. Is standing alone as an individual, but being for each other as a couple. My ex lashed out for a minor need: the need to hear her say hello instead of “I need more money”.

    Although I feel like crap right now, I know I will heal, and I thank you for your message. It brings hope to my day. I am also happy for you, and the way you fought out of the gully. I just hope that my soul and true self will come out as clear as it was before, so when the right woman comes to my life I will be free of all ghosts.

    take care and thank you!


    • Rod, I had not only read your correspondence with Sharon and me, but also deeply felt your agony and tears. Your ex-gf really “did you in”. I can see it simply by the way you write. Your written dialogue dispells agony and craziness. I had also written the way you write four years ago simply because she had me “SPINNING”….and that is what “they” do to our mindset. They are like little children whose mind has not grown up yet and when in trouble, they yell back at “mommy and daddy”. That “daddy” is you who receives all the bitterness, anger and lashing out when the ILLNESS/DISORDER cycles. As time moves forward, this mental illness will show signs of troughs and peaks, a.k.a. depending on their severity (if they are high functioning or low finctioniing). My gf was very high functioning. By that I am describing an individual who is arriving at their “worst behaviour” LATER in the cycle of the disorder. It takes longer for the “peak” to arrive and when it does, “watch out”! It cycles back and forth, like an on-off light switch. YOU MUST and will start to realize after you tell yourself many times that she has a “MENTAL ILLNESS”> After you do this, it will eventually start to “sink in” and your conscioence will evntually start to accept these facts. For now, she has your mind “spinning”. Your emotions far out-weigh your looking at the rational facts of what horrible things she did to you. Try to forget all that “charm” and focus more on the ill she caused you. That is where my healing began. Because “we are more co-dependent, it takes us longer to recover……………..”. So try noot to worry, just know that in time “YOU WILL HEAL”. Keep talking to your friends and family. This is key! Continuie to write to Shqaron, she is most gracious and offers “us non-BPD-ers” this outlet to share. It is most important for your healing to take place as it already has. It is very important you continue to LOOK FORWARD and again recognize that you ex-gf, like mine, suffers exponentially more than we do for now. You can not and should not help her. She is already “damaged” before you ever met her. This damage took place in her childhood most likely will affect her throughout her life until she recognizes the devastation she is causing not only in her life but in others as well. Just know also that karma also returns the favor and she will have her remorse one day, if not already. She is for now, indeed very mentally ill. So, when you had stated; “I just hope that my soul and true self will come out as clear as it was before…………..”, just remember that YOU WILL HEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bless you brother

  73. Hi Sharon and fellow Bloggers, its me again..Rod..

    Yesterday I attended a therapy session and after working on myself, the psychologist asked to do a small list of stuff that my exGF had put me through. I was sincere and felt deep sadness as I explained in detail my ex’s behavior. I was very objective, and even though my ex needs to be “checked up” in person to get a proper diagnosis, my psychologist told me she had strong anti-social disorder and borderline personality disorder traits.

    This disturbed me and left me sitting down in my hole. My therapist recommended that I should look up for any things that can remind me of her and get rid of them to help me get out faster from where I am. It hurts to do it because I still love my ex and wished I could help. First thing I did as I arrived home was open my computer and look for old emails, conversations, or other stuff from her to delete it permanently.

    I was left in shock as I found a conversation she had with a friend on hers using a chat application. That day she was with me at my place and asked for my computer because she could not sleep. The chat app is set to save all conversations, so I found this disturbing and nasty little conversation. I am going to translate it for you guys because it was in spanish, the conversation is about me:

    EX-GF: I’ve been with him 6 months my dear, LOL…I’ve managed to stay with him a long time..incredible but true.

    FRIEND OF HERS: I feel the same way about my relationship. Sometimes I panic, but our one year anniversary is two months away.

    EX-GF: Yes! I feel panic too! It is terrible! You know, I am so addicted to chaos that when you find something good, you want to sabotage it no matter what because that’s what we’re used to do. That is when I find out that I was the one scared of commitment and not all the “assholes” whom I’ve been with.


    What hurts the most about this conversation is that she somehow acknowledges that she has some kind of trouble that keeps her getting into short term and intense relationships. “6 months” meant she has not been in relationships longer than this and somehow managed to stay with me for 10 months more. I have heard of how some this gals might try to contact you again and recycle the relationship, I’ve been tempted to talk to her again to help her out but I know it will not work. It seems she feels “cool” for sabotaging things up and embraces chaos.

    I gave all I could. I brought peace to her life, I am not a party animal type of guy and prefer to pass my weekends up in the mountains or somewhere far with true friends and family when you can regenerate from the week’s stress and pass times you can remember fondly. Now I know an extra thing that tips off her sad disturbance. What should I do? I am tired of spinning around this horrible place.

    • I think your therapist is right, the best thing you can do is erase all memories of her as best you can. Stick with no contact with her at all and focus on you, your happiness, your wellbeing and your future. Yes, sometimes there are attempts to recycle the relationship and you should avoid this at all costs as it is just part of her being unwell and would only bring you more hurt and sadness should you enter back into something with her. I wish you all the best in recovering from this.

      • Guys, I’m sorry if I write too much. Yesterday I recieved some news about she and her new BF. It devastated me since they arr already planning a “honemoneyish” trip. However ,she is already having troubles with the guy because he sees other girls. I fell bad, as she took into a relationship weeks from our breakup.

      • It’s time to let go Rod, you have to let her make her own mistakes and not feel in anyway bad or guilty. You did nothing wrong, she is ill and there is nothing you can do about it but save yourself x

  74. You have read down this far, So , you know , exactly what yourself and I , plus many others on here experienced with a BPD, You must walk away!! you must not look back!! you more than likely have seen all the red flags !!!! dont DO NOT ignore them , Rebuild, regroup, do not look for answers, do not ask why, healing is all in the 250+ post’s above this one, AGAIN, you know the RED flags, if you dont, read up pronto !!! YOU WILL NOT HELP THIS PERSON!!! walk away , chin up, sooner the better this will help you onto the next +positive, real, LIFE/LIVING that you knew before BPD.

    • Exactly! I keep telling everyone who comments the best thing they can do for themselves is walk away and stay away, but still keep getting the same – how can I help her? comments…

    • Hi Krazian.
      I really appreciate your encouraging words. They are enlightening. However, people who have been affected by partners who have BPD require serious and most often long term psychiatric counselling. The affects of this disorder is not something someone simply “walks away” from. It is especially during the “honeymoon phase” that they get a “hold-on” to thier mates. This is called the adoration phase where those affected with BPD get their partners hooked into loving them intensely. Because they are perfect chameleons, their partners have the reality that “they are the perfect match” for them. Inevitably as the cycle “breaks”, hope continues for the non BPD er and the feelings persist as well. Most don’t know that their mates have this disorder. As the bad behaviour inevitably ends the relationship, the result is a devastating shock for the victim. Love bombing is what they do initially to get their mates “trapped”. Because the intensity of the amplitude and frequency of BPD behaviour multiplies exponentially throughout the cycle, the victim often experiences hopelessness, degradation, fear, etc and the hope is to tyry and make the relationship work. The victims however don’t know their partners are suffering an emotional dysregulatory disorder until it is too late and both partners are affected in different ways.

  75. To Sharon, Peter and KRAIZAN

    I thank you all guys for your words. This days have been painful and confusing. Especially because I saw someone who “loved” me detach so quickly and jump into another relationship without feeling any remorse at all. I have learned that she did go to some kind of therapy years ago but just left. She has no constancy in her life (Jobs, dozens of relationships, crazy making interactions with her family, etc). She was masterful at hiding this all. But at the end, truth prevails.

    I will stay away, walk away and will not look behind. This gal will jump from men to men, she’s unstoppable and is nowhere near from getting help.

    I am feeling stronger today, and I will keep fighting on for myself.

    • Ros, The best thing I can say to aid your situation is o “take care of yourself” and KNOW/REALIZE that real love shall prevail since what you and I really want. Keep looking within yourself and you shall find it. Don’t look outside of yourself. If it is meant to be, love will find you again. Just keep reminding yourself that for now this person is very “ill”/”disordered” and that her actons will ultimately fail. Karma does come back. YOU WILL HEAL!!!!!!!!!!

  76. Wow. So many similar stories here to mine. Chalk me up in the “devastating reversal of being someone’s true love to absolutely nothing” category. I won’t presume to say my ex-GF is clinically BP because I think 90% of humanity is damaged and broken in a variety of ways, self included, and I have no right to diagnose anyone but me. However, I definitely identify with so much of what everyone here is saying, and going into about 3 months past things falling apart I’m only now starting to comprehend WTF just happened.

    Everything has been said here a million times already. I’m in the same general template. ~6 month relationship, fairytale spooky luck beginnings, crazy intensity, mental connection like no one I’ve ever been with, resulting in the most mind blowing sex I’ve ever had (and not to toot my own horn, but I’ve been pretty adventurous in my life, so that’s saying a lot). Despite being long distance we were in constant contact literally every day since the day we met. etc. etc. Visited each other every chance we could. I let her meet my kids which I am still upset at myself for.

    It felt like the universe wanted us together. We had both been through rebounds from our marriages already. I fell in love hard and accepted all of her, good and bad, without hesitation, thinking this was it, I had finally found someone that I could love with every part of me. I didn’t need to filter myself at all with her, something I’ve never felt with any romantic partner. I gave her all of me like no one in my life previously, not even my ex-wife of almost 12 years that I was initially pretty crazy for. I even stuck with her when her psycho ex interfered in my life, harassed my ex-wife who didn’t even know I was dating anyone, threatened to rape my children and give them STDs (I pursued and won a permanent protection order against him). She has a long-standing therapist that she told me highly endorsed my handling of all of this even after having initial doubts about my own colorful past. I never held her at fault for his actions. She would gush about me to her friends all the time, talk about what a treat it was to be with someone who wasn’t jealous or controlling, someone who was patient and understanding. Even amidst breaking up she told me I was the best lover she had ever had, hands down.

    Then over the course of one week, I wasn’t. Her divorce finalized and I guess triggered a bomb. At first she said she needed time and that her feelings were just gone, she didn’t know why, she was hopeful they might come back, and she needed to just focus on herself and be alone. It quickly became clear that I was literally nothing in her world. As far as I could tell, she did not cut out any of her other friends or connections like she did with me. I eventually pried out of her some other issues she could point at about me and some mistakes I had made. However, she was completely unwilling to accept my attempts at working on those relatively minor issues (“minor” in her words, I saw them as somewhat more important) and improving myself. She simply didn’t want to try at all, after blowing sunshine and rainbows my way every day for months on end.

    I was devastated and reeling and so confused. It hurt on a level far worse than my failed marriage, which I could at least comprehend how we had grown apart over a decade. This was like, an amazing giant diamond we randomly found covered in dust, just beginning to uncover and sparkle and then abruptly tossed in the garbage without a thought.

    Over 2 months, I practically begged her for some kind of structure or framework to understand how we could reconnect but allow me to give her the space and time she needed, however thin. She couldn’t offer that, she never initiated any kind of contact, and responded to mine very coldly and clinically and sometimes even venomously. In turn, this triggered all kinds of stuff for me that turned me into an emotional poop stew of depression and sadness.

    I immediately went into therapy, which I’ve never done before, because I could tell I was in no place to sort through this myself. I’m a fairly well put together person, have had a solid consistent career, in great shape, good self confidence, have always had pretty healthy relationships in general. I’m diplomatic if not friendly with almost every woman I’ve been romantic with in my life. But this knocked me down harder than anything I’ve ever faced. I am still struggling, trying to figure out what I did wrong, over analyzing everything, still hoping there is some way to recapture that magic.

    The reality is, it never had a shot. I now feel that she chose to come into a relationship with too much internal chaos, and it eventually was going to surface. At some level, I always knew this and had resolved to deal with it when I made the choice to love her. However, I feel that she doesn’t want to face it and work on it. Instead, she’s burying herself in busy-ness and hyperfocusing on her new career post divorce. So she’s losing me and us… simply because that’s easier and hurts less for her.

    Now I have to acknowledge it’s not my mess, it never was, and as much as I want to, I can’t do anything to clean it up. I reacted very intensely to her finally acknowledging it because of my own set of issues surrounding rejection, which at least I was pretty cognizant of throughout. So the best I can do is work on my own messes.

    My therapist just walked me through the drama triangle this morning, and that was a huge eye opener. I can see now how I’ve fallen into that trap in so many relationships, and especially this one. I’m a hopeless rescuer. I wanted to rescue this woman from her lurking pain. I saw the amazing potential in her, that’s who I fell in love with. She has such a beautiful brain, her passion is evident when she’s in the zone of her work, and she has such a sweet heart in there… but there is something else she can’t control or get rid of, and it closes her off for reasons that maybe neither of us will ever understand. At any rate, I can’t rescue her, that only enables her to be a victim. The only one who can rescue her is herself.

    Unfortunately, I think she has completely cut me off at this point. I wobbled too much emotionally after she pushed me away, and that is the catch 22 of the dumpee. You don’t get to be emotionally unstable, even when handed the most unstable emotional shift possible. Even though I am probably (in her words) the most supportive and loving boyfriend she has ever known, I can’t win here. I have no choice but to grieve the relationship we had.

    Nothing about it is fair. It’s the risk we all take by playing at Love, when so many of us are so damaged. Humanity, eh? We have So. Far. To. Go.

    If you’re in the same boat as the hurt and rejected stories on this blog and in these comments, please get professional therapy at any cost. I can’t stress enough how helpful this was for me to do immediately. My emotions were tail-spinning so hard it may have even saved my life. Which sounds ridiculous to say, but that was a very dark hole.

    Your friends will be supportive, but they do not have the tools or knowledge or objectivity that a good therapist does. They may do you more harm than good, even though they are trying to help.

    Also aside from a very few exceptions like this blog, in general the Internet is NOT your friend. So many relationship sites and advice columns are loaded with mind-game/manipulation advice and spiteful people who do not understand their own issues, they usually only perpetuate problems in relationships. I spent too many nights looking for answers online and going down wasteful/hurtful dead ends. The only real answers came from therapy and looking at myself.

    showard76 you are some kind of saint for posting this and constantly replying to everyone so thoughtfully, even years later. Thank you.

    • Thank you for sharing. I almost cried reading this as I could see so much reflection of what I was like when I was unwell in your description of your ex – like my own story being replayed to me yet again. I am in a stable relationship, with stable mental health of my own, now and it is like nothing I have ever known before (not in the intense, obsessed BPD sense, but a healthy sense of knowing that this is good, and I am not just idealising!). I still reflect on situations through the drama triangle now to see what is happening and try to step out of it, rather than falling into any of those dangerous roles, having been a long term rescuer of others myself and regularly a victim, less often a persecutor except of myself I found the drama triangle a very helpful tool for seeing the roles (games?) people play. I fully agree that it is not only the person who is ‘ill’ who is in need of therapy but the partner/family members close to them need their own therapy to cope with this difficult illness. I hope you find happiness again once you have recovered from your loss, which is as you say very much like grieving. Sharon

  77. Thanks Sharon,

    This weekend was very good for me. However a good friend of mine told me my ex-BPD was not going to have a LT relationship with this new guy (he knows him and is a drug addict). They are just having “some fun”.

    I erased my Facebook, twitter, and my ex has no possibility of finding out my new phone number. I also removed our connection in Linkedin. This last friday, she tried to add me up again, I erased the invitation and blocked her. I have heard she is the kind of gals that come back to stalk exes, and I’m kinda scared because I still feel vulnerable.

    What should I do?

    • I think you are doing the best thing possible in the circumstances, removing all routes by which she can make contact. There is not much more you can do beyond that, unless she starts turning up at your home or something, in which case it would be time to involve the police and get a restraining rder preventing her coming to your house, hopefully it won’t come to that though!

    • Rod,………Definitely GET A RESTRAINING ORDER through the local court system. That will stop her. I have been through this four years ago. Although my ex-gf put a R.O. against me for stupid reasons. All my experiences had frightfully marred my intentions of trusting people in general ever again, however I am healing now and am able to begin to trust again. I found myself to be a stronger person yet. Remember, because they feel abandoned towards the end of the cycle, they will make it feel like hell on earth. She is “mentally illl”. The sooner you can clear your mind, the better you will feel. For some it takes a long time. It took me almost three years and I am still affected, but doing alot better now. Please read Richard Skerrits’ books and his website as well; Tearsandhealing.com. You will learn alot. Best to you


  78. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this,I have been in relationship and now had my heart shattered by my BP partner.She left me just two days ago and they have been hell for me.I loved her more than anything i could ever dream of and we were due to marry.Sadly this past month she has become very distant, and we have been arguing a lot due to her drinking and lack of time spent together.All i wanted was to spend as much time together as we could,but she instead preferred getting drunk with her friends.I thought when she started DBT therapy that thing would start to improve,but instead she phoned me (from a bar/pub) to tell me she wanted to end things once and for all,ive supported her through thick and thin,tried my hardest to help her (stopping her suicide attempts,encouraging her to get help etc) and now i feel it all has been for nothing and i miss her dearly ,she wont talk to me, wont see me,and im left in a state of flux,as im still deeply in love with her,and despite everyone close to me advising the break up is for the best,i still want her back.I have had images in my mind of her being completely fine and happy to be rid of me,of her going out and being a typical drunk party girl pulling guys left right and centre.I convinced myself that she never really cared or wanted me,but after reading this i have began to understand a bit more about her condition and what it means for her to end things. I hope all of you find happyness in whichever path you take, Bless you all


    Currently feeling very lost in a big world

  79. I thank all of you for enlightening everyone on this particular subject

    I’m an ex wife of a high functioning bpd ,

    Coming out of this painful and worst experience of my life I just cannot feel normal, it’s been over one year I’m following no contact rule but for some unknown reason I feel I’m damaged and un able to love anyone for life . I’m completely changed person . How much more time will I need to start dating and be the loving happy go lucky girl ?

    My ex literally tried his level best to destroy me,

    – he got into a new 5 year degree just coz he was in love will me n wanted to study same subjects as me ( idealisation stage ) , would send me expensive gift , although I always emphasised on emotional bonding and intimacy rather then expensive gift , he would hide and wouldn’t talk to me much ( we were in long distance relationship)

    -slowly he started isolating me from friends & family ( not good , fun and nice etc) if he would see me talking to anyone he would start shouting ( abandonment )

    -I was the most confident funny happy go lucky girl with a great career , but he would always humiliate me ( not good enough etc)

    -he was perfectionist and height intelligent ( would compulsively clean ho clean house, every vegetable should be cutter straight , very low emotional intelligence)

    – would cry ,yell ,sob , verbally abuse at the same time.

    – most loving and caring person with new plp he meet.

    I want a happy rewarding rewarding relationship but I feel he has taken away my everything . I’m mentally physically n emotionally exhausted

    • Sorry to hear about your situation. Everyone takes different amounts of time to heal and recover from a situation like this, it is like a grieving process as well as severe trauma! All you can do is keep on trying, you will know when it feels right and you are more relaxed with others again, but keep on getting out and meeting people even if you don’t really feel like it at the moment, it will get easier and the more you push yourself to just learn to enjoy the company of others again the quicker it will get easier 🙂 Best wishes for a speedy recovery x

      • Thankyou for your reply,

        What traumatises me the most is the he is functioning so well and I’m back to square one, tormented and down the drain with this unknown kind of emptiness, Injust get upset thinking he has ruined me, not just financially but also mentally, physically and emotionally . I don’t want anyone near my precious life , it’s been over I year and I’m still not really to date .

  80. Guys,

    Today has been a kind of difficult day. My therapist says it is normal to have several downs on my way up, but I’ve been thinking a lot of my exBPD and how she told me she’d never leave me. She is 30 now, and as I told you before, immediately jumped into a relationship with a younger guy and seems pretty excited about it.

    I cannot handle the confusion in my head, It’s driving me nuts and I’m looking for closure in my inner self. I think her invitation to engage again in a social networking site triggered me up again…It is completely painful to see someone I loved deeply throw herself into another guy without any remorse…and still trying to keep some kind of contact with me…

    Again, thanks for reading my stuff (I’m kinda having a bad time)

  81. Sharon and Peter,

    I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me out in this troubling times. Your words have been kind, and at the same time hurtful (don’t get me wrong, when you read the truth it hurts but helps you heal). I have been having my ups and downs but I’m fighting it off with all my might, and really hurts sometimes.

    I found the truth about my ex’s troubles, and makes me sad about her troubles and how she will continue the cycle if she does not get help. However, this is not my business anymore. I am eagerly waiting for my full recovery to find someone who will love me in a sustainable fashion AND will not use sex as a weapon.

    Now, I am building up my walls again because she is known to return to her exes when her world falls apart, but I want to construct my world without confusion, lies, manipulation and deceit. I want a good kind of love, and I am sure I will find it. I am a very religious person and think that our creator rips us apart from people who sadly can’t fight stability in their lives.

    Sharon: you keep up the good work with this blog, it is incredible. YOU are incredible because you recognized your problems and are valiantly fighting to heal.

    I wished my ex would’ve recognized her troubles because now she is heading into another fatal crash with a womanizer/drug addict and “player”. It is sad to see her go into a trip (everything paid by the new guy and she will repay the debt with sex).

    Like Pink Floyd’s song..coming back to life..”As you were hanging yourself on someone else’s words..dying to believe in what you heard..I was staring straight into the shining sun..”

    thank you all you guys, I’m moving on but will keep in touch if anyone needs to hear that THEY ARE NOT CRAZY and they can do much better without toxicity in their lives.

    Bless you all,


    • Bless you too Rod, you will recover and find true love, all in good time. Everything happens for a reason and at the time that it should, be it a lesson or a chance to teach others, every experience, good and bad has a baring on who we are and what we become, even if some of those things hurt like hell, we learn a lot from hurting! Take care x

    • Hi Rod,………………yes, I do understand your feelings ALL TOO WELL> I have been through them my own self and am also a Licensed clinician, a nurse with experience in Psychiatric Units as well. I should’ve known as well at the time before starting to date my now ex-BPD gf. But I did not. My ex, for your info, was extremely “manipulative” in “playing the game”,……..She deceived me into believing she was my “soul-mate”. Sure she loved me, for that was the My Hyde side of her, but when the cycle of the disorder had peaked, her Dr Jeckyl side appeared. They were both her side. Both good and bad. My ex gf did know “some thing” was not right with her , however she really did not know what kind’ve damage she left, called the wreckage of the past. As all ways,………..karma does return. “We all know who we truely are”. My favorite motto as I was trying to recover. Almost two years and one month later, I am still recovering, HOWEVER, now I am much healthier mentally than I ever was before and am moving forward. It was really hard for me to hear this from all my friends, but I not only managed, but it just simply happened. I did get better. Remember,……………..when you get busy, things get better. Harness great friendships and remember, telling yourself when this “stuff” comes up to the surface that she,…………..IS VERY ILL. That is the “cycle” what they do to themselves and unfortunately they take usually very “nice guys” like you and I “down with them”. Yes, it is a hard lesson. Although it is hard to realize all that took place for you, but remember when you had stated; “…………………….makes me sad about her troubles and how she will continue the cycle if she does not get help”,………….I very well know that you still do love her because you are or seem to be concerned about her wellbeing. This is all good. She did love you too. Still thinks of you. Will never forget about you. Until she gets medicated, if she ever does, her life will be like a living hell. BUT know that your “mind is still spinning” from the initial event …..the honeymoon stage when every thing was great between you two. It will take time for your mind to slow its “spinning” ………and when it does, you will starts to engage back into your own reality. Your Angel is with you, YOU WILL HEAL…………………………. After i became mentally well, i had asked myself if I wanted to go back with her if ever given a chance. I could finally say “NO”, simply because I now know there is alot better for me elsewhere. However One may never know. As she recovers, she may seek you out. However for now just be “safe”. Your safety is very much important as she lives out the peak of the disorder which segways into violence…in most cases.

      • Peter,

        It has been a long time since I last wrote. I’ve been fighting hard, taking some meds that have helped me slow down my “brain spinning sessions”. I see things much clearer now. People’s talk have come to my ears (unfortunately) and it seems she is in the honeymoon phase with this new guy and is trying to cut out everyone who could blow her mask off. Last night she called a friend of mine and threw some serious shit to him about his mother.

        His mother is cousin to the new guy’s stepmother and she doesn’t seem to like the way my ex acts…its heartbreaking to see how her world is crumbling down once again. She has changed her looks several times. I saw a picture of her, and a kind of “demonic” grin in her face left me overwhelmed.

        SHE WILL NEVER accept she has a problem. And this is sad. When I first met her, we were “in tune” since we both were looking for a stable relationship that could eventually take the next step. However, after some months something or someone stopped me from buying her an engagement ring. That would have been the proverbial GAME OVER.

        I am exploring myself in my no-date period and have concluded that I will find someone who is emotionally stable and good. I have decided to let go the destruction this girl left in my life, and I have faith that it will make me a more whole and stronger guy for the next one to come.

        U take care. Blessings.


      • Hi Rod, I wish to thank Sharon for this blog site. It is really encouraging to see that as many are adversely affected by BPD as well as non-BPD, many are seeking help through and by way of communicating with others through the Internet. Please do yourself a great favor……………………………………Number one. Be very kind to yourself. Number two. Know and realize deeply that you have been abused verbally. Some even get abused physically. Number three. Love yourself as best you can and know that no one can love you the way you can and should love your “One Self”. No Body in this life should ever have enough power over your soul as to take your “Chi” away from you………..your inner most self. When they do or try too,……………RUN! For that is not real love! That is hate turned inside out! They do that because at that time, they know just how despicable they are and so they put the blame on those close to them and every one else. Your ex as well as mine knows about the “darkside” very well. They dabble in that. It is fair game to know that you are of the “:Light”. AND those people who are BPD sufferers, who are seeking help/medication are seeking and seeing the light. Number four. Make time for yourself to communicate and enjoy the friendships you have and make pretty well damned sure you get busy “loving” those that you know, love you, for that is what true good friends really are. They should never leave you like our BPD’s most often do. Those friends go very deep. Usually people affected by BPD “push” most every thing that is good for them,………………..away. That occurs with alcoholics as well. I once had an alcoholic gf, but did not know it at the time since vodka is something one can not smell. She had once told me after her full recovery that she was indeed affected by “darkness”, depression, etc and felt as though she did not deserve that which was good for her. BPDs’ most know about their own abandonment fears. They are hypervigilant and exremely sensitive so at any moment they feel triggered, they would push people away by their curt actions and hence lose many potential friendships. Most of them are actually very alone. But they do that to themselves. The feeling is tumultuous. If as normal human beings we feel it, then “they feel it 10x more than we do. Their feelings of abandonemnet issues which stem from early life experiences result in doomed relationships in the future if nto diagnosed early enough. BPDs’ build an impenetrable fictitious wall around them which mask thier flaws as most BPD sufferers know how despicable they are. They hide these flaws from the public, so most also become sociopathic. I found myself healing, even though it has been almost two+ years since I have seen “her”. It has been a very tough road. I know that I will never forget this. Neither will she! As I had told her before; “We all know who we are”………………………….She understood me somehow and because I did, I had uncovered her “mask”. Take care my fellow traveller………………………………………..

      • Hi Peter,
        I feel for you and like many am still getting my arms around all of this. I am currently in pending status with my BPD wife. She is still denying she has any traits. I will say, like you I found it necessary to take a stand and help her remove her mask. The violence and abuse were uncalled for, and it was time for someone to say enough! However, the pattern (she’s been married 3 times, everyone had some kind of DV or at least the police involved) is ongoing. I have to disagree with you slightly in that I think a BPD does and can love… I think it becomes such a struggle with them to decide on what means more to them, the need to control or to love.

        Thanks Peter, I found your post informative and encouraging.

      • I understand your plight as well. As you had made mention; “She is still denying she has any traits………….” My ex gf also denied her illness simply because her main motive was to blame me for most every thing she is and has become as a result of this disorder. If I was not available, then her son or daughter suffered the abuse. They all know they have “something”. As we all know who we are…………………………..However those that are not medicated and are not seeking counselling have some clue as to what they have, however do not have a full understanding as to the ramifications of their bad/inappropriate/illogical behaviour. I make reference to that of a “light switch”. On or off cycle. They see the good in others or bad and respond in like ways, however they “see” no grey areas. Somehow their minds are not wired that way. We can at times give ultimatums which can potentially reduce the cycle of bad behaviour or allow this cycle to lapse by way of asking them to leave the area. More cases than not it works. Stating ultimatums in a kind and sincere way often works in the clinical setting as well. I still, even after two years, love my ex BPD gf. But for my safety, I need to stay away now. It is hard,…………………………..very very hard………………….

      • Hi Peter;

        I am also appreciate Sharon’s blog site since it helps people with BPD and non-BPD to sort things out out of this madness. I would like to encourage people with BPD who are willing to make an effort and change, to take the high road and then, you will understand what true love means.

        I’ve been thinking a lot of stuff lately, and your words describe what I felt during my short-lived relationship with my exGF. My “Chi” or inner self was attacked in a constant basis. When she found out she could not penetrate my boundaries, she gave a final stab and mocked my parent’s happiness about myself and my career. This is when she told I was “emotionally dependent” to my family. I think she was trying to cut all security lines that could make her mask fall off, and fall hard.

        I remember also one thing you said about karma. I consider myself a good guy with noble feelings, and now she is with a guy that is just fooling around with her. She said she needed a “man” but she is with a wo-MAN-izer. It is confusing how they degrade you to a point you feel like shit, and go running into shit itself. I already recognized her on and off madness cycle, and am building a stone wall if she attempts to make any contact with me when things go south with her new toy. She usually comes running to her exes and tries to win them back. She will not fool me again. I am lucky to have a strong network of family and friends who already told me she is not welcome in their lives and homes (because this is how she operates when she can’t find a way to contact her prey).

        I have also recognized my life is full of blessings. One of them was when she left. I have been raised in a family of fighters. My grandparents received several blows during their travels in life, so did my parents. I know how a man must be, and I’ve been raised strong and respectful towards women.

        This experience was a “slap in the face”. She told me it would help me “mature”, but it didn’t. Sadly, it only showed me she was not equipped to deal and be with a real man. She was my first (if you know what I mean) but it felt completely mechanical, she just threw her clothes away and to bed she went. Did not put any feelings or heart to it. I did. I felt disappointed but I am sure that my next time will come out of true love. She will never change her ways unless she gets help. Even this happens, I will be completely unavailable and out of sight.

        I thank you for writing to me every time I post. It feels good to have someone who understands what I’ve been through. Some people don’t.

        God Bless you.


      • You are very welcome Rod. When most “people” state that they are sorry for your “plight”, they really “don’t know”. “Getting over” is inexplicably hard, infact, one never truely forgets. One never forgets because the pain of the searing abuse drives so deep into ones’ soul that it in itself is unforgetable and it’s source is also unexplainable at first until you know what the “disorder” really is and how “we” non-BPD’s can accommodate its presence in our lives, or not. I do feel for you in a very deep way. I also honor the fact that you went through and survived these truely traumatic times. It is beyond hard! I had learned from my own experience. It has been two years now, but the feelings still persist. The average “Joe and Mary” have no clue. It is an unexplainable “war” we have within ourselves in trying to accommodate this other human being in our lives and more so, to try to find a point of sincere understanding with them. As you know, the disorder has intense “highs and lows”. Most of the time, as BPD’s experience the height and/or the frequency and amplitude of the so called “bad” behaviour intensifies, they are simply reacting with an intense emotion AND it is exponentially multiplied. They are not really thinking about the ramifications or outcome of their intense outspoken feelings at all. Such is the reason BPD is also called an “emotional disregulation disorder”. After this heightened phase concludes, BPDs’ often experience a state of instability and that of shame. Shame is much the reason they usually don’t return to their prior mates. It is much easier to find a new “victim” to start a new chapter of life with. The cycle simply repeats itself aspecially when they are not medicated, nor have psych counselling regularly. BPD-ers can heal. It can be treated with individual meds treating individual reactions of the disorder, such as depression, drug abuse, etc. Sometimes they do return to their prior mates, but only to reap more havoc than it is actually worth having. You are much better off getting busy in loving your friends and family who really love you. The “right one” will come along one day I am sure. There is such a thing as karma and destiny. Believe it! Be well.

      • Ofcoarse I will be here for you and others. It also helps me heal. I also work with psychiatric patients, so, I know professionally what the disorder is and what to expect, however my emotional life has also been knocked off its axis when I met my now ex BPD girlfriend. It came as a shock to me when the red flags appeared and for me it was emotionally almost too late to bake out of the relationship because I was already emotionally “trapped” and as a rescuer, wanted to help. The learned lesson for me in this situation was to “love my own self first”. Now, two years later, I feel I have a new lease on life because I am taking care of myself better than before and am making sure to follow up on enjoying life more than not. Getting into some creative hobby and being with friends really helped me. The feelings of depression and suicidal ideation had released its claws from my conscience.

      • I went through what you guys are going through nearly a year ago now. I have come such a long way since then. I have realised that it is not me nor my fault that the relationship didnt work. I constantly blamed myself and to this day have not gotten any answers to why my ex bpd did what she did and completely painted me black. You will find that in time AND with plenty of research into BPD , that you too will find your answers. Ive read, researched, written blogs, commented etc and I am in a very happy place right now. My ex bpd is now 25yo female. Her family has a terrible history of depression and mental illness. I thought I could help and be a “rescuer”
        Please believe me when I say, stay away. Dont put yourself in that situation. Its a sinking vessel and you will go down with it. It happened to me and I learned a life long lesson… you cannot help someone who cant help themselves.

        Please… take my word for it.
        Read, read, read.. research about BPD and you will find your answers. Do not ecpect to seek answers from your exes because you WILL NOT find any.

        If you have any questions… feel free to email me. I know how u feel. Tylamont44@gmail.com.
        All the best.

  82. I have to say it’s encouraging to hear from a BPD that is grounded and accepting. I feel for you. I commend you for your effort and blunt honesty.

    I have been married to BPD wives 5 times. I finally figured out the pattern and why. I’m for sure have narcissistic traits, if not a disorder, possibly even BPD…I’m a rescuer/fixer, I attract BPD single moms like nobody’s business. In most of the marriages, they just died with a mutual decision to end the marriage. However, this last one, not quite 2 years, I had to final divorce and get a restraining order because I feared for my life and bodily harm. We are both Christian, but BPD seems to not have discriminatory criteria. This is the most difficult relationship I’ve been in because even though I removed her from the home, she still wants to go to counseling. I haven’t seen her or heard her voice in a month. I have not responded to request for counseling because I’ve been waiting for a sign of remorse, apology or repentance. I’ve been told not to expect it. I wish she would at least acknowledge it, because I would help in counseling, not so much to save the marriage but to help her own being.

    I’m heartbroken, but at the same time, I know I need to stand strong and stay away at least until she can take a little responsibility.

    Thank you for your perspective, it helps me to understand I need to stop putting out the rescuer sign on my chest, and change my own patterns of behavior… like you I need a lot of work to getting there… all of which is uncharted territory.

    God bless you in your journey. You are a brave soul.

    • Thank you, sorry to hear about your wife and experiences. I hope you manage to get some peace and help with your own issues, and maybe your wife will be able to as well.

  83. Hello Showard76. Thank you for this blog and overall site. It has been very insightful. My wife was recently noted by a psychologist to reflect symptoms of a hysteroid adjustment to life. However when I did my research on it I kept coming across personality disorders such as BPD. Her actions to this day have resembled those noted above and in my research. I recently adopted her son as my own, legally. She is now trying to push me out of their life as if I never existed. Myself and her family simply don’t understand. Her mother is doing her best to be supportive but I feel that she does not see any problem with her at all. Not to point out her flaws, I also have my own but the situation is now carrying an order of protection against me for her and my son and now she has filed divorce. I love this woman and little boy and would not have taken the commitment of marriage and adoption on if I did not care so deeply for them. I know she has to want to get help. She has now also been seeing her ex boyfriend and am unsure as to the impact all of this is having on my son.

  84. I am very happy to find this site and a big thank you for creating it.

    I can relate to a lot of this.

    I was with someone for a few months. The relationship got serious quite quickly.

    Then I started noticing that he would say strange things, saying that other women were beautiful, which obviously upset me. He also told me one time that the soft light was kind on my skin as I looked younger. This is something my father would have said to my mother so I guess I accepted it.

    Things really took a downward spiral when he finished up his contract in his old job.

    He started to get angry at people, even randomn people. He would deliberately bump into people in the street. A guy told him off for leaving a can of beer on a train and he said “you can pick it up, it’s your job.”

    He drank every evening for a week.

    He would go through episodes where he had a huge amount of energy and then the next few days he would do nothing.

    I bought a dress so that I could stay at his place and wear it work the next day. After which he became angry that I had bought it.

    We were looking for work at the same time and it would annoy him when my phone would ring.

    When I did get a job the recruitment agent told me that “I had beaten the competition” and he said that maybe the other person had refused the salary because it was too low.

    One day he told me I was only good for one thing.

    He kept breaking up with me (4 times) and one of the times I pleaded with him to get back together he told me not to humilate myself.

    He was supposed to come to my house and then a few hours later he seemed to have forgotten and said “I don’t want to come to your place.”

    I went back to my country and he was supposed to meet me off the bus, then when I called he said “you thought I was going to meet you?” like it was a mind game.

    He more than once told me that he loved me and then broke up with me the following day (the last time was under the influence of alcohol).

    He was sold a printer from a market and was raging as they forgot to give him the cable. The same day he got upset with as we were sitting on a sloped park bench and I did not notice that he was slipping. He also got furious because there was a man who was staring at him.

    He started doing strange things like walking on the waters edge. I took him to a makeup shop and he tried some on. There was a dance inside a bar one time with girls shaking on the tables and he stopped to look. I told him I didn’t want to stay and he did not understand why I was so upset.

    He told me two things about his past which should probably have been red flags. When he is tired he has problems eating and drinking and slurs his speech due to a supermarket argument which got physical in the past (he was hit in the jaw).

    In another incident his ex-wife accused him of being gay and he hit her (lightly and apparently provoked).

    She had also acused him of rape (apparently to try and get a divorce).

    He said that we never had any fun together apart from when his son was there.

    He was suspicious that I was using him. I was staying at his place because he hated my housemates and I pretty much ended up paying all of the food bills.

    He showed me his bank statements and I was shocked to see that he was in the red on both of his accounts. He accused me of not caring when I did not know. He tried to make me feel guilty about this when we had only been together for a few months.

    He was highly depressed with a feeling of emptiness.

    He would come to my place and do nothing. One time he told me that if he stressed me out that I should “just ignore his presence.”

    I was so desperate for proper communication that I ended up reading one of his Facebook messages where his friend told him to kick me out of his place (I was not living with him only staying more as he hated my housemates).

    He offered to buy me flowers one day. I told him I felt “useless” in my new job. He told me that “I was useless and he was great.” I got upset and picked him up on it. The response was “everyone is useless when they start” and then “I don’t want to talk about it anymore”. Afterwards we went shopping and he wanted to pay for everything.

    He would stand on the train when I was sitting, try not wake me up with his kid in the morning, go smoke in the other room.

    He asked me one night if he was unstable. It was around 1am and I was tired, so I told him that “nothing was stable”. He took it badly.

    After the last breakup he went to his town. We argued over the phone and I told him that the relationship was torturous. He said that torturers did not set people free and that since we did not speak the same language that we had problems understanding each other and that next time he would find a woman from his own country.

    I had complained to him about being nice and then nasty. He told me his sister had also picked up on it. Then he told me that we didn’t know what we were talking about. He had told me before that he was narcissistic. I think probably more in the general attention seeking sense of the term and not the mental illness. I told him he seemed to have bipolar tendancies and that I was worried about him. To which the reponse was that nothing was wrong with him and that everyone had ups and downs. He had told me out of nowhere that he was not moody before this.

    Then when he came back he wanted to see me. Suddenly I was “the woman of his life”, “we would have made great parents.” He sent me a photo of his niece who reminded him of me.

    Nearly everyone around me, bar my Mother and a close friend has told me he is no good and that I am better off not seeing him. I am doing my best to keep the no contact rule and it is getting slightly easier, although I definitely have moments of weakness. I know on some level that he is not good for me and that it is like a dangerous addiction. On another level I can’t help myself, keep replaying things in my mind, both positive and negative.

    I am slowly losing my job, I think partially due to my confidence being knocked as a result of this relationship. It is tough. I am in a foreign country, do not see my friends often, have few close friends and they have their own problems.

    I don’t know if this is bipolar. My previous partner seems to have been a narcissist and another one just went crazy (so I left him). I seem to have my head a bit more firmly on my shoulders when I am in my own country, but I am not sure that I can return for a while due to economic reasons.

    Please help and let me know if you think this is bipolar and what you think I should do.

    Any advice would be welcome.

    Thanks for reading.

    Love and hugs to all of you.

    • Hi, your ex certainly seems to have problems, but no-one other than a medical professional can diagnose someone with bipolar, borderline personality disorder or any other condition. The best thing you can do is maintain the no contact and work on building your own self-esteem again, getting yourself into a place where you are happy, healthy and living well again. Don’t look back, unless he is willing to get himself help and work hard to get better he will not change and would only make you unhappy time and again. Good luck and best wishes x

  85. Oh, just a couple of other things. He was in a park one time before I got a flight.

    I asked him to tell me loved me and then got upset when he did not. He said that he more or less that he needed to do it via text.

    He also had a habit of describing his feelings through what other people had experienced and told me that one his ex-colleagues had been institutionalised.

    My apologies for the jumbled up expression of all of this.

    This relationship has been driving me crazy and leaving me very confused.

    I am still trying to figure it out and I am not sure that I ever will. I still feel guilt as my ex was a blamer too, so I still feel that some of it was my fault, but I think I am starting to see the light very, very slowly.

    Thanks for listening.


  86. Hi Sharon and Peter;

    First of all I’d like to thank Peter again for his words. Last but not least, I thank Sharon for this blog that in someway, became a safe place to express my feelings of sometimes “going mad”.

    I think it takes a non to understand another non who was involved with an untreated personality disordered person. I also admire Sharon’s strong will and conviction in working out her issues. It is a very courageous thing to do!

    This past four months have been extremely difficult for me. However, I decided to walk the high road again (spiritually speaking). This has helped me release the anger I felt towards my ex who betrayed me in every way possible. I thank God I had the opportunity to show this person real love. I took care of her when she was sick, I even fed her when she said she was “broke”, even tough I discovered this was never true.

    I never asked for things in return, I just gave myself and the little things I had out of love. My family was having some financial troubles and somehow, I managed to help them out (and my ex). I feel grateful I had the chance to at least comfort her during the time my relationship lasted. I feel blessed.

    However, my sadness is long to disappear. I am still mourning the loss of a person who never existed and who tried to break my boundaries. She made me feel I was “the one” but destroyed any kind of love that I felt towards her as she threw herself into another “relationship” that is now disintegrating. If she comes back, I know I will have to say no. It is not healthy for me, and it will not be healthy for her. It hurts to see a beautiful woman destroy her life and reputation in such form that she will end up living a very lonely life.

    I pray for those brave souls (like Sharon’s) who are steadily walking towards the light. When you walk towards the light it is impossible not to shine a bit of it on people that are having troubles as I write. Peter, you also shine your light to other bloggers, and I hope that someday I will be able to shine a bit of light on others too.

    Take care guys.


    • Believe me Rod. YOU are already shinging your light. In time, you will notice that a new you has emerged from all you had been through. It took me almost 2 1/2 years, but well worth the effort. I am strong now AND even more loving and passionate, but also very discerning. I have alot of “self esteem”. That’s what was mainly broken then. As she bore into my life, eventually I found both my wings broken. It was harder to move ahead. People often told me to “oh, just move on”. Really I responded? I often found who my real friends were. Mainly I had found out that “I” am my real friend and that I can climb emotional mountains and actually “move them”. I have indeed let my guard down with some one who was very disturbed mentally. Like a light switch of “love vs hate”…………or Dr. Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. The recurring effect of this disorder had eventually got my “brain spinning”. I had learned to really love my own self more than before. I treated my self better and had eventually found better company/friends/family. I am also working now on changing my career into some thing I am happier at. My dream job………………………In essence, everything had changed. True,………………….she had me “locked” into a certain life style. It was as though at first, darkness had my entire life blanketed. I had no soul…………………….I was empty,……………………….just like her. Essencially (sp.?) she had me on my emotional knees where she was, trying to climb out of this dark hole/life. They suffer more than us. Exponentially more. Can you imagine? I was in your “shoes too not long ago”. Do not “hope” that you will survive this ordeal, just know that IT WILL HAPPEN!. Allow your self the time to heal. Get busy with people who love you. Find creative outlets. Get busy and find supportive people! And keep talking about what you went through. Keep talking until “their ears” turn blue because your mind is still spinning. Be selfish about getting better. You need too. The dopamene level in One’s brain who goes through traumatic situations as such, is very high. In time it will “revert” to a normal level. Eat plenty of healthy foods, get plenty of rest, drink lots of fluids and take multiple doses of Vitamin D as it aids against major depression. Also, do not isolate yourself away from people. This helped me out alot. Best to you.

  87. Dear Sharon,

    I am so glad I landed on this post of yours. To get your perspective on this is such an incredible privilege. My fiancee has been showing symptoms that bear a striking resemblance to those associated with BPD. Some of the striking ones are as follows:

    a. Breaking up with me several times. The engagement alone has been broken up 4 times. Twice, she has threatened to return my engagement ring to my mother. They live on the same street. Most recently, I was broken up with on social media and was verbally destroyed right after. Never has my self esteem taken such a beating.

    b. The anger outbursts are severe when they happen and often to not justify whatever caused it. When I point it, the response I get is “it is always about your hurt feelings” and the lashing out is legitimized by practically demonizing me. I do not believe I am this controlling tyrant that I made out to be by my fiancee.

    c. This one line that she has told me plays in my head over and over again. She says “everyone in my life has eventually gone away. Hence, I feel the need to push them away before they leave first”. This seems to be a recurring theme in the behavior of BPDs.

    d. She has suffered through trauma as a child and was abandoned by her father. Well, I suppose this is not really a symptom – more a fact that explains the symptoms.

    e. The behavior of late has crossed the boundaries of rationality. Two weeks ago, I asked her if I could attend a concert with a female friend of mine that is practically a kid sister. My fiancee flipped out, started crying and considered my question a “slap in the face”. In her defense, she did try to reach me one night when I was out with this friend at a bar. My phone had no reception and hence I was not reachable. Yet, that fact does not seem to sink in to my fiancee. She wants me to NEVER meet this girl alone and this girl is a close family friend and her parents treat me like their son.

    f. When she is angry, she strikes fear in my heart by threatening the worst. Of late, it was self-harm. That is what really scared me. She claims she was never going to actually implement it but the fact that she thought it was OK to strike that fear in me is something that really scares me. Sometimes, when we argue over the phone, I interrupt her unintentionally. That interruption is magnified and she claims that I am “squashing her voice” and that her emotions have no room in the relationship.

    Now comes the tough part. We are slated to get married next year. She lives overseas while I live in the US. She is getting ready to quit her current job (probably in about 2 months or so) to start preparing for her move here. I requested that we get “couples counseling” before moving forward. She flatly refused saying she wanted no third party intervention and that “we could figure it out ourselves”. I do not want her to struggle when she moves to the US. She has no friends or family here. I am all she will have – at least in the initial months. I don’t care if she is diagnosed with BPD. I will always love her regardless but the thought of moving forward with our plans with this type of behavior is beyond frightening. We are still a couple and she has promised never to break up with me or imagine the worst of me OR even strike fear in my heart. In the past, she has stuck to her promises and has never back-pedaled. My fear still persists. She is from a part of the world where her behavior is considered “being emotional”. Mental health issues are barely acknowledged. She thinks all counselors are idiots and have nothing to offer.

    She is planning on submitting her resignation at her current job in exactly 2 months. That gives me very little time to figure out what to do. She seems hell bent on moving on our initial timeline – which I had put together since I was in a massive hurry to begin life with her. I do not know if I should drag this out or simply be open about my fears in the absence of professional intervention.

    Your thoughts would be very helpful! Thank you in advance.

    • I am in no position to advise you what to do but personally it sounds like you are in a very toxic relationship which is likely to end badly. Certainly not the kind of relationship where getting married sounds like the way forward but as I say this is just my gut feeling. I’m not a professional and can’t tell you what to do. Maybe the best thing you can go is seek some professional advice!? x

  88. What you wrote there sounds just like my ex, whom I’m trying to get over. He pursued me like crazy in the beginning, then started showing bizarre behavior and withdrawing. Then we’d get back together and he’d be really sweet but eventually he’d become irrationally angry and leave again. We went through cycles like this for 3 1/2 years. Now he’s threatened to block me if I write him again, says he won’t write me again. All this, even though every time he came back, he would talk about us getting married and having a child, me moving with him to where he gets a new job, etc. The dual nature of the relationship makes the grieving horribly complicated and drawn out. I tried to get him the best help, but he wouldn’t even listen to what a leading therapist for PD treatment told me. I’ve read more and more that treatment can work as long as the sufferer commits to it for 1-2 years. What I don’t understand is why sufferers don’t want to do that? Is it just too scary to face their demons, past, etc.? Is it that they don’t believe therapy can work?

  89. Trying to figure out my life now that my ex bpd left:( 7 years together with a sick child and much abuse, the love hate has left me hanging on to something that was a lie.now I’m left to pick up the peices.

  90. Your courage is admirable. I am a non grieving the loss of r/s with a lovely woman who suffers from BPD. I could never hate her and she knows it. She is untreated and although she is aware she has mental health difficulties, I do not know if she is aware of her BPD. She left me earlier this year to be alone but became involved with someone very different than me within a few months. Since that time, she has initiated phone, text, and email contacts, all of which I have responded in kind. As I said, she really is lovely. I hate the trauma that was done to her, so profound it harmed her this way. In some of the contacts, most actually, she states she loves me and I choose to believe this is as a friend although I would love it if it were romantic again. To remain healthy, I can not and will not get my hopes up. Could I ask if you would be willing to talk a little bit about a few things: 1) relationship recycling – what precipitates it and the thought processes around it; 2) is it common to become reminiscent during the holiday season? i am very sad not to be with her during the holidays; and 3) i am attempting to move on. Is it true that, because of the heightened level of sensitivity that many with BPD can sense we are letting go? I realize these questions may be based on stereotype so I ask with caution and respect as it is not my intent to cause harm but to understand. I am grateful for your openness. Thank you for your kindness.

    • Hi, sorry to hear of your situation. Having recovered now I find it a bit harder to put myself in the position to explain how it feels having BPD but will try to answer your questions as best I can anyway.
      1. Relationship recycling – It seems to be the black/white, push/pull thing that causes this. Those with BPD have such strong abandonment issues that they will push away the ones they love, but they also try to cling on so hard that they will try and get back what they have lost, only to push it away again, ultimately it is the fear that eventually everyone leaves anyway that causes BP’s to push and pull this way.
      2. I’m not sure about holiday seasons, I suppose this may be a normal thing BPD or not, times that should be spent with loved ones who are no longer with us, for whatever reason are naturally more emotional times and provoke strong feelings, so I guess this can be worse with BPD as everything is felt so much stronger than normal anyway.
      3. Again it is very likely that we can sense someone close is letting go. I’ve not had that myself but I do feel it if someone is being a bit distant, even if it is just something on thier mind I can sense their distance and distractedness even if they have not noticed themselves. Moving on is the best thing you can do for yourself, it is nice and you are lucky that you are managing to maintain an amicable relationship as it is often not possible when a relatiosnhip with a BPD ends. Best Wishes x

  91. 8 years and now just read your Blog. Closed the door yes and now I get it. Moving on embracing my own problems. God Bless

  92. Hi ,its like my life for the past three yrs has been written here ,thank you for the great help your doing.where i am from there is no proper therapy but the only help i got was from Jesus and blogs like yours. like its written all over it takes time to heal and sometimes you feel sorry for these emotional vampires who suck you dry and leave you to die its really hard to believe that people like this actually exist.any way pls do keep up the good work it really help us to get through the tough times.

  93. My fiance of 2 years moved into my home and we continued a journey toward what I thought was going to be a happy ending. What was to happen next had happened in the past several times, but with exponentially greater intensity and inflictment of pain. While on a business trip, I received a text from her from out of the blue that ‘our relationship is over, I have moved out….don’t try to contact me’. I attempted to call and text her but she had blocked me from contact. I tried to call family and friends to another text of a threat to call the police if I did so again.

    I figured that she needed a couple of days or weeks to collect herself and speak through whatever problems she was experiencing in our relationship. I called from a hotel on another business trip and sent a couple of ‘lets talk’ emails. This was met with a threat to file a restraining order from a lawyer friend if I attempted to contact her again. She blocked me on all social media and even went as far as to compel mutual friends and her family to do the same. It was very hurtful and confusing to my young daughter (who came to love her and regard her as a step parent already) and I. I attempted to send her a letter several weeks ago and it was returned ‘refused’ and unopened.

    As a way of helping to understand the episode, I began to try to research what had occurred here on the web. All fingers seemed to point to her behavior as being caused by her being raised in an alcoholic environment. It seemed to make a lot of sense until I came across several articles on BP which seem to be even more consistent with what had occurred. At least in the abrupt, violent and painful way that she had exited our relationship. In most of the case studies that I have read so far, they all seem to have a pattern very similar to the one above. While I do not know what she is saying to her family and friends, she was treated extraordinarily well so I am certain it is something related to how horribly I had treated her.

    I am looking for some guidance here from those that might have had a similar experience – open speculation is ok as well. The crazy thing here is that I fell deeply in love with her, and while I feel that it would be not terribly difficult to replace her, that she was THE one.

    First and foremost, is she ok? What is she feeling? What is she telling people? What is her intention? Should I go after her? Should I wait? Should I write her off as a casualty? Is it ACOA or BP?

    • Hi, sorry to hear of your situation. It is not uncommon for someone in your situation to come out feeling they have lost ‘the one’ that is the underlying charm of BPD sufferers, when we are well (and even at times when we are not) we are amongst the kindest, most loving people you could meet, easy to fall in love with, which is why it ending can be so painful especially if you did not see it coming and everything seemed ‘fine’. I am not ina position to diagnose but if it is BPD I would say the following is likely…
      Is she okay? I doubt it, she is probably okay in respect oif how she feels about ending the realtionship but to have done that in this way it is likely she is menatlly unwell. If it is BPD she has likely painted you ‘black’ now, you are bad, evil even, you did her harm in anyway possible, in some cases even untrue ways and she will be telling people what a bad person you are. Her intention given what you say is likely that she wants no further contact with your, ever. Should you go after her? No, definitley not, her threats are very real she will act on them, don’t put yourself at risk of false accusations and legal action, it’s not worth it. Writing her off as a casualty is probably your best option. You should now focus on you and your daughter, you need to heal and find a new path that does not involve this woman. So sorry, I hope you manage to find peace and recovery x

      • Thanks for your reply and insight….this has been a very confusing and painful episode. I ran into her son the other day and his reaction to me definitely supports the idea that she has painted me as ‘evil’ given his reaction to the encounter. This has been a very difficult chapter in my life….I would have been less surprised by what has precipitated that in space aliens landed in my living room! It came completely from nowhere!

        In the blogs that I have read and episodes that I have become familiar with, it has come to my attention that the BP comes back as a matter of cycle (she has done something similar 4 or 5 times before and has always retunred). In other instances that seemed even worse than this one, there was an indication that there was some ability of salvation. Is there something about my situation that suggests that any hope for reconciliation is impossible?

      • It’s not your situation that suggests reconiliation is not possible, it’s her behaviour and my personal experience of BPD that make it seem highly unlikely. If she comes back to you on one of her cycles you will only end up back here again with her leaving. Her paranoia and fear of abandonment probably have a big part in it, especially the fact that she left while you were on a buinsess trip – to her just you being on the trip was you abandoning her, then with paranoia kicking in she would have imagined you were haviong torrid affairs whilst you were there and who knows what else, all culminating in her leaving you before you could leave her, classic BPD 😦

      • Thanks again for your reply….

        Any dialog on this is supportive to me in undertaking what occurred so I appreciate your taking the time to provide your thoughts.

        I would like to challenge you if I may and do so with the most respect and good manners: This was not the first out of town business trip that I had taken during our relationship. And she was patently clear that I was an extremely loyal partner to her where a tryst was simply not a likelihood with me while out of town. Of course she could have decided whatever her mind came up with but I have concluded that the occasion of the business trip was just a planned opportunity for her to move out avoiding confrontation and/or the possibility that I would talk her out of it.

        From you last post, you allude to the idea that BP’s almost always return albeit that they are not healthy and that a non is better off to avoid them as it will happen again. So: do you feel that with my situation that I should expect contact from her (again, it has happened 4 or 5 times before with the same carbon copy result: an quick email….a phone call….her being angry….me calming her down….then a meeting….then reconciliation and a return to our relationship….but not without her admitting that she has a problem) with the expectation that we return to our relationship? I am working under the idea that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I would seem so wouldn’t it?

        This has been by far the most confusing episode of my life. I had two OUTSTANDING years with her. All of our family and friends noted how well we were for one another and we agreed with them. If there is some hope for salvation…..some possibility that we can continue on and be happy, then I am very interested in taking that course even if it means sacrifice and some pain for me.

        There are many dynamics to this that I am trying to wrestle with: why she did what she did, why she did it the way that she did it….why she did it with anger and what should I do next – if anything….what is going in ‘over there’; how she is coping…what is she telling people….does she think about me…is she reminded of me with the same every triggers that do the same to me….should I expect her to call or not? When? Over the holidays? What should I do next…..

        Just a guy in love trying to figure things out…..

      • Hi, yes, it is possible she may make contact again, but equally she may not. If she does she will likely want to pick up where you left off, straight back into a full on relationship, even though she is unlikely to be well enough to sustain that. The real problem is not ‘why’ she did what she did, she won’t know, there is probably no logic reason/explanation or excuse, she is ill that is all the ‘why’ that there is. For your own sake it would be better not to torture yourself with all these wondering whys and what if’s, the best thing you can do is try to pick up the pieces of yourself and move on, even getting any closure is unlikely in this situation, you just have to let go 😦

  94. hello. I am hoping someone can help me, I am not sure what to do. When i was a kid i used to live next door to three boys and their mom use to babysit me. long story short ,we all had an amazing childhood together but sadly i had to move. fast forward 20 years later i end up finding one of them( the one I was most closet to) and we kick it off immediately. Although i sense something is not right, I ignore it because I am starting to fall in love with him. One day he completely flips on me and doesn’t talk to me for quite sometime. A month later, he apologizes and tells me that he has BPD, I looked up the symptoms and cried. Our relationship got back on track and he finally told me that he was in love with me and thats why he would act the way he would. I have never had anyone tell me they loved me the way he poured his heart out to me that day. I was shocked because he always seems so black and white with me. however the next day, he accused me of cheating on him out of the blue and ignored me for months. again he apologizes, and I forgive him because I know he can’t help it and well, I am in love with him. I end up losing my virginity to him and after two weeks he disappears. 6 months later he text me out of the blue to let me know that he fell in love with someone else, and really, really just starts rubbing it in, like he wanted to hurt me. I never reacted, or said anything negative. But the more I said, as long as your happy, the more he would tell me how perfect this other woman was, and he never wanted to talk to me again. I never understood why he fell off the face of the earth for 6, only to text me to say that. why not just ignore me forever? fast forward to thanksgiving, i sent out a text to everyone in my phone wishing them happy thanksgiving. I forgot i still has his number. he started sending me nasty text, calling me a stalker, and to leave him alone. then he had his girlfriend call me and yell at me. I just started crying. she felt bad, so then she told me that she knew I lost my virginity to him, and that he felt bad about everything and wanted to talk about and that they would call me later that night. I never heard from him again. It was heartbreaking because I still was in love with him. crazy enough seven years later, his younger brother found me on facebook a month ago and we have been talking ( friends) he has no clue, about what happened. I guess what I want to know is, should I try to contact him? It’s been seven years since everything happened, and it has left a hole in my heart. We had such an amazing childhood together, and when he was good he was the most beautiful, sweet, and funny person. for it to end the way it did tears me up inside. I know that us being together is not good, for either of us, but I wish i could talk to him so we can at least be on good terms. I don’t know if his brother randomly contacting is a sign, but I’m afraid that he hates me and maybe I should just let it go? any insight, anything would help. I have been carrying this around for so long and I just want to know if there was anything that I could have done differently… thanks so much. reading all these post really help. 😦

  95. Well, I know that she is seeing a therapist. Given that she is being honest with that person and the therapist is skilled with BPD, what would a therapist try to work towards with her? Will our relationship be part of the conversation? Will her therapist guide her towards evaluating her situation with me against a healthy emotional perspective?

    I re-read the above article and wanted to clarify. You assert that one of the reasons for her sudden disappearing act may have been motivated by her wish to avoid causing any pain to me. Is that correct? Pardon me if that sounds crazy but it does….she has blocked me in every imaginable way of contacting her and even attempts to circumvent those blocks were met with calls from the police.

    Is giving her more time of NC likely to result in her relenting or does that make it more out of sight out of mind? I wish I knew what her thoughts were and what she is feeling right now, 3 months later about this.

  96. I was in a 4 month relationship with a borderline and it they ended it a month ago – I have never felt this heartbroken over someone in such a short space of time.She was everything to me,and now she is gone – she doesnt want to talk to me or see me,and is insistant on trying to make me hate her,because it suits her better that way,and in the last month,I am aware that she has already been with someone else.Help

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