Life has been difficult lately, living with BPD is like living in hell.
A daily struggle that I don’t want to have.
BPD causes so much damage to me and those around me, I want to die because it is just too painful to live, but I can’t die because the damage that would cause to others, especially my children, would be even worse than the damage living with BPD causes.
I need to find out who I am, what I want from life, how to be happy, to ‘recover’ (if that is possible!?)
To do all this I need to be alone, well not in a ‘relationship’ at least.
I am about to embark on that journey, move out of my partner’s home and try to forge a life for myself – where this journey will take me I don’t know.
I heard an old song playing while watching the final episode of The United States of Tara the other day and it had some lyrics that felt like the explain a bit of how I am right now. It was The Logical Song by Supertramp…
There are so many great lines in this song, but this line is what really does it for me:
“I know it sounds absurd (Won’t you help me) please tell me who I am, who I am, who I am, who I am”
Because that is the problem I really have due to the BPD unstable sense of self-image – I don’t know who I am, but I’ve written about that before in several of my BPD posts so I won’t go over it in detail again now!
But there is another track that is even more important at times like this, when all I want to do is hurt myself and ultimately die.
During another crisis period a Facebook friend sent me the link to this track, it’s more of a spoken poem than a song and the weird music that gets louder in the background is a bit distracting and eerie, but I think it helps drum home the point of the words.
The Magician’s Assistant by Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
I think this is a track that all self-harmers should listen to when they are harming, it may save your life…
For clarity I just want to share the final part of The Magician’s Assistant
“But as you said before, this just affects you.
It’s your life, your body, your sister, your parents, your friends, and your partner
so you can choose what you do.
And if one day you can’t rein it in,
and of your last breath you are the only witness,
Then fuck everything else cause that’s not something you’ve got to live with.
the magician’s assistant
too many problems to list them,
not enough people to listen.”
What tracks are important to you at the moment?