I like to keep to my regular blogging schedule and today is Mental Health Monday so this should be a mental health post, I guess it kinda is, but it isn’t at the same time.
You see with all the stuff going on with ending a relationship, moving house and having no internet access there hasn’t really been time to think, let alone feel – this is why this ‘kinda is’ a mental health post.
This isn’t like my usual posts of clarity and explanation, because I am living in fog. My mind is numb, dull, empty of anything other than practical capabilities – I am a robot.
All this not thinking and not feeling is good in a way because with being so occupied with doing I am not going to any bad places at the moment – that is good isn’t it?
and there always is a but isn’t there!?
I guess the thing is that when you are in this mode of ‘automatic pilot’ you worry about after, when things settle down and the thinking and feeling happens again. Because I know that this is just one of my BPD phases, as with any other of the many phases. It is an automatic coping mechanism, coupled with numbness this is a bit of a dissociative phase.
Of course as normal most people won’t even notice this about me, the mask is still very well in place. To most people it will appear that I am thinking and feeling, because I can talk the talk. In reality though I cannot walk the walk…
I can laugh, smile, cry, and frown – but these surface displays of apparent emotion do not scratch beneath the surface and reach the inner me.
I am not here, I do not exist.
I am just a robot, doing, doing, doing what needs to be done – and doing it well, very well. In fact the high level of productivity and achievement that goes along with this auto-pilot phase makes it all worthwhile, even if I will come crashing down in a huge depressive phase (or soaring up on a manic high, impulsive phase) at some point.
And, that is almost inevitable, this cannot and will not last. After all the key to BPD is the unstable emotions, and while they are being buried by the busy bee working hard they are surely growing into something. They can’t just be gone, void, no existent – can they?
Being a robot is helpful for making sure everything that needs to be done is done during difficult times. But in the long term it does not make for a healthy, happy person and I just have to ride the tide until it passes 😀
Anyway, I know this is also shorter than my usual posts but I don’t have much to say right now all I can think about is the next practical thing I must do.
Hopefully I will at least get back into writing interesting stuff, because this is bland and dull and I doubt anyone will want to read it!
- Five good reasons why people don’t talk about their mental health – Guest post by Carolyn (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Mental Health Mondays – Spring is in the air (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Four Worst Days: Why We Must Do Mental Health Right (myyeartothrive.wordpress.com)
- Mental Health Rehabilitation Worker (Rohnert Park) – 494 (ankajobs.wordpress.com)
- Mobile teams to help those suffering a mental health crisis ()
- What is Mental Health (ahmritanaturalmentalhealth.wordpress.com)