Journal Entry for 21.03.2012


Cigarette girl, pt.1

Cigarette girl, pt.1 (Photo credit: Kr. B.)

I woke up feeling rather happy for no particular reason, but it was a nice feeling as it doesn’t happen all that often, in fact I cannot recall the last time it did happen lately, maybe the move is already starting to help?

I slipped out of bed and picked up my phone off the chest of drawers, just after 0600am. I smiled thinking ‘oh well I’m awake now. putting the phone in my dressing gown pocket as I wrap it around me I push my feet into my slippers and head into the bathroom. Use the toilet and glance in the mirror, the unmistakable black smudge line under my eyes of the mascara I forgot to remove before going to bed, another ‘ohh well’.

I head downstairs avoiding the floorboard that creaks so as not to disturb the kids. Into the lounge, open the curtains and look outside. It’s already bright and doesn’t look as cold as yesterday. I flick on the radio and sit of the sofa to roll a cigarette, then pick up my book before sitting on the front door step to smoke the rollup.

I read as I smoke, then without lifting my eyes from the book go back inside to the kitchen and pour a glass of orange juice. i continue reading until I roll another cigarette and smoke it on the doorstep again. Back inside, I place the piece of notepaper I am using as a bookmark between the pages of the unfinished chapter and pick up my my notepad. Inspired by what I am reading write 5 and half pages in my A5 notepad, entitled ‘Writing about Reading’. Looking at my phone it is now 0820am and the noises my stomach is making tell me it is time to get breakfast. But first another cigarette, toilet and finish reading that chapter.

I continue reading as I put the toast in the toaster and make a cup of tea with an extra  of boiling salt water. Toast is done, chapter finished. I head upstairs to dab the salt water on my healing nose piercing, I have to do this twice a day for six weeks until I can change this initial stud for a piece of jewellery of my choosing, what that will be yet I’m not sure. I come back down and eat my toast as I write this. Then finish eating the toast, dry, wholemeal granary, a strawberry yoghurt completes my simple, regular breakfast. Another smoke, drink my tea now it’s cool enough and it’s time to shower and get dressed, once I’ve finished reading this chapter of course…

A wookie growls in my pocket – a text message. I reply while reading and writing full on multi-tasking now! read, write and text, do I have an extra pair of hands and eyes? Part hoping not to offend, part nonplussed my text reply is abrupt ‘tell you later’ and I continue to read and write.

Pause to add a book to my ‘to buy’ list ‘Stuart – a life backwards’. Reading Nick Hornby is just making my to be read list grow ever longer – both a good and bad thing. Finally, chapter finished 0910am now rush to get ready, I should have stooped reading earlier! Dental appointment at 1000am need to make packed lunch before I go too!

Usual meticulous outfit planning abandoned as I grab the first pair of jeans, sweater and underwear I reach. Speed rinse in the shower, will have another later as not washed hair now. Throw on clothes, clean teeth and remove makeup from yesterday.

Back downstairs, open fridge and slap leftover red salmon into a sub roll for lunch, add a lincolnshire sausage roll for good measure and grab a packet of crisps. Chuck lunch bag and bottle of lucozade into laptop bag, laptop is still there from Monday. Roll another cigarette, quick mental check as I put my coat on – fags, phone, purse, keys, drink, lunch, laptop, books, glasses – all there. Out the door, lock up, jump in car, light fag, turn key – 0936am, plenty of time! Drive round and park in Staples car park next to the dental surgery. Scribble journal entry, only took four minutes to get here. Over to dentist’s with journal to continue writing as I wait.

Crossing from the car park it feels like quite a mild day, finally things are starting to warm up now spring is here, although not as warm as it was this time last year – I recall I was already wearing summer dresses and shorts when April arrived then, it’s nearly April now but I’m still mostly wearing winter clothes. The sky is clear but not very bright, it was brighter this morning. I’m looking forward to doing away with jeans, I find them so uncomfortable.

In the dentist I give them my change of address and take a seat to await my check-up. A lot of people don’t take advantage of their free NHS dental and optical checks but I like to ensure my eyes and teeth are in good nick! I had my eyes checked last week and replaced my broken glasses with two new pairs of cute Lipsy ones. I have to be careful with my eyes as I need to wear glasses to drive, without them anything more than about 10 feet away from me is blurred and out of focus.

1033am I’m sat in front of my laptop at the ex’s house to use the internet, feeling a little uncomfortable as it is clear he is not handling the break-up well and I feel guilty that I am the cause of his hurting. Yet, at the same time i am already feeling that i really did make the right choice for me. Once I have my internet connected I feel things will get easier for us both to move on due to not spending time together any more.

I just had a sudden realisation too, so unrelated, but, if I turn off the vibrate feature on my phone at night I might not wake up so early in the mornings when my email inbox goes crazy as all my WordPress subscription emails arrive! I feel stupid that I didn’t think of this before. Not that I mind getting up early, and probably often still will. But, I know that the buzzing vibration of my phone on the chest of drawers is part of why I wake up so early, it act’s like an alarm clock!

Now to get my online work done…

It’s 1238pm and I have managed to get through my emails, check in on my online business course, read some blog posts etc. Having my packed lunch as I continue to work I suddenly feel I don’t know what I am meant to be doing. Maybe it’ the emotional impact of the conversations with my ex that are going on as I try to work, making me feel I want to run away now as I feel so sick with guilt seeing him hurting so much as he sees me doing so well. I go for a cigarette to try ad re-focus, but he follows me and the conversations, or maybe more him talking at me, continue.

Just after 1400pm I arrive at the pub to meet the girls, in tears. The conversations had continued to get more distressing with my ex as he explained how badly his daughter was taking our split. The guilt was awful, I felt so bad but at the same time useless, as there is nothing I can do to make it any better for either of them, because going back is not an option. I couldn’t do any more work, so closed up my laptop and made arrangements with him to finalise all the things we still had to sort out, that required us having contact, over the coming weekend. Seeing me is only making it harder for him to recover, this needs to stop now.

I explain all this to the girls along with how I had ended up telling my ex that I had recently slept with someone else, saying this was almost a backlash for how bad he was making me feel as the guilt was beginning to be tinged with anger that he wouldn’t stop talking this way. I think it actually helped him, in a cruel way, to know I was moving on, even though my tears showed him (his words) that I am not a ‘Cold-hearted bitch’ and completely unemotional about everything – of course I’m not, if anything I feel too much, which may be why I make so many mistakes.

I told him to stop thinking about my BPD as putting reasons to my behaviour is only making things worse for him, because regardless of my BPD and the way it complicates things our relationship is still over.

After chatting to the girls for a bit F leaves, unsure if she will be back this evening . Me and L pop to the shop to buy fags before the price goes up. the ‘Budget’ was announced today and the only bit I caught on the radio in the car on my way here was about the price of fags being put up by 37p per packet of 20 as of tonight. back to the pub from the shop I update my journal and hop on the laptop to check if I did all the things I had wanted to do earlier.

Frack!! Google chrome just crashed on me!! hate when that happens…

Oh shucks, now the laptop is restarting, must be I missed that ‘postpone’ reminder popping up that I’ve been clicking the last few days – computer wants to restart to do Windows updates and I keep making it wait, now it’s finally got it’s revenge and caught me out. Updates done, gotta wait for it to restart now – thankfully I had nothing that needed saving and I have chrome set-up to reload the last pages when I ope it again so I will be able to get straight back to what I was doing…

Spent a few more hours tinkering with things, including getting my car insurance quote and played a couple of games of pool. Hungry now 1725pm, think it’s time to get some pizza for dinner. Texted the kids to see if they wanted to join me but the declined so will just share with L instead. had intended to go home after doing a bit of stuff online but can’t be arsed now. If I end up drinking later I can just leave the car here and collect it tomorrow, time to chill and chat now.

Email from ex…

Upset again…

2000pm I’m still in the pub, took a few hours to recover after that text, didn’t feel like pizza in the end and L wasn’t hungry anyway, so I’m now eating a sausage roll and creme egg grabbed from the shop up the road. Pizza would have been a waste on just me as I can only manage three slices.

Feeling rather melancholy nursing a glass of pepsi, trying to decide whether to get some alcohol or not. I have the car so could just drive home if I want to go, but it would be okay to leave it if I want to drink. I’ve just not got the feeling for it now though, I think the event’s of the afternoon are to blame. More friends have joined us in the pub and Z has put some good music on the jukebox. The pool table has re-opened after the team had their practise, so I’m gonna see if a boogie and a game will help lift my mood and get back into heppy mode.

It’s didn’t work, instead I just suddenly became very tired – the emotions of the day caught up with me leaving me feeling drained at 2110pm.

I drove home not having drank a drop of alcohol. Once home I changed into my comfy PJ’s and dressing gown and settled down to read my post. having dealt with the post I realise there are a few things I need to do when I go online tomorrow, so I write a list. No doubt the list will grow before I get online!

It’s 2200pm now and despite being very tired and drained I don’t want to go to sleep just yet or I’ll just wake up even earlier tomorrow, so I pick up Nick Hornby again hoping to crack through a few more pages before I give in to sleep.

3 chapters down it’s 2230pm and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open after all, so one last smoke then it’s off to bed for me… Goodnight.

Postscript: I was right about waking up early, 0500am to be precise. But, I went back to bed and managed an extra few hours, getting up at 0800am instead! 🙂

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6 comments on “Journal Entry for 21.03.2012

  1. It’s so comforting to read the ins and outs of someone else’s day, especially written so candidly. I relate to the feeling of not being sure what I should be doing, the anxiety of that. I think half of what I end up doing is to escape that feeling.

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