It’s April, just the fact that it is April has me filled with dread.
April tends to be a bad month for me, this is no exaggeration. Each April has been worse than the previous one over the last few years and I’m worried about what this one has in store for me.
I’ve been trying really hard not to worry about it too much, but it has been a bad start already. Today I go to the hospital for those extra cervical cancer screening checks that I mentioned before – that alone is enough to have me fretting.
My concentration and decision making skills are poor right now.
My spending and drinking are getting out of control.
And don’t even mention sex – my impulsivity, recklessness and being ‘easily led’ has already bought about several situations that should not have occurred.
And we are only five days into the month.
My self-esteem is at an all time low, I feel old and ugly, flabby and undesirable.
My self-respect is none existent, I am so open to being used and abused right now because I just wouldn’t say ‘no’ to almost anything.
By some miracle I haven’t self-harmed (well not in the physical sense – i.e cutting) but I have had another tattoo and another piercing both pain inducing activities that remove the need for me to inflict the pain myself.
I guess in trying to block the worry about the tests and April in general I have disassociated to a degree and made myself numb and empty because I don’t seem to be feeling much of anything, yes there is the underlying concern, worry and fear but I have been burying it deeper and deeper to the point that I can only feel physical sensations now.
I have no motivation or interest in doing the things I have on my ‘to do’ list. Even writing my blog posts is just an automatic chore at the moment. I’m managing to read books, just about, but not much else. Nothing is enjoyable and mundane tasks are unmanageable. My entire focus is on image – I need a new one, I changed my hair, added the tattoo and piercing but I don’t look or feel any different, nothing is dramatic enough.
I spend hours showing and changing my outfits each day, trying to find a ‘look’ that suits my mood, only I have no mood so no outfit is ever right – and it’s cold! Which means I need to keep warm as well as comfortable in whatever outfit I choose.
Snow in April since when does that happen? even here in the UK where our weather is so unpredictable. Still I suppose being wrapped up in warm clothes makes walking home, alone, half-cut at the end of a night a bit safer than when I’m in skimpy, summer outfits! Then I have to remember to get a taxi rather than risk walking – it’s not safe, but try thinking about that when you just want to get home quickly! The walk is short, so I just do it, without thinking – it has already nearly led to two incidents, I might not be so lucky next time – and add in the factor of ‘It’s April’ and I really am just asking for trouble!! NO, I must not walk home alone when drunk and half-dressed!
I half feel like I am on automatic pilot again, but I’m not even achieving the way I normally do when in that mode, so clearly I am not even there. Honestly other than self-care I am barely keeping on top of things like the housework, studying and so on. Thank goodness the bills are all direct debit, or I would be forgetting to pay them right now!
Somehow I managed to apply for 4 jobs yesterday, why I don’t know, it’s not like I am really fit for a full-time job yet, I need something part-time to ease me back in but as usual I jumped in head first and applied for some high-level graduate positions.
I hope this passes soon…
I hope I can pull myself together…
I hope I can find some self-esteem and self-respect…
I hope I can find my drive and motivation…
I hope today’s tests don’t bring bad news…
I hope this month doesn’t become another awful April.
Prove me wrong please, make this the best month ever and give me reason to have hope!
- Time to bring this blog up to speed! (adbukovsky.wordpress.com)
- Monday April 2….future looks bright …? (timzauto.wordpress.com)
- Small stuff… (shuffstatler.wordpress.com)
- Worry – It’s In Your DNA (inspirationtochange.org)
- Anxiety (notesofcompassion.wordpress.com)
- When the child starts worrying about the parent. (droponeaddone.wordpress.com)
- Anxiety: When is it too much? (kidscommunicate.wordpress.com)
- The Need for Self-Love (regulardaze.wordpress.com)
- When Reducing Anxiety, Perfect Solutions Don’t Exist (pdresources.wordpress.com)
- Peace of Mind Tips and Advice (mylittleblackpen.wordpress.com)
- Stress and Anxiety: How to restore a sense of harmony and balance in your life? (lifeinharmonyandbalance.wordpress.com)
- Daily Inspiration ~ April 3rd (globallightmindsdailyinspirations.wordpress.com)