This time last year – April BPD crisis

Image Credit - 'Given Up' by Melverry

What a difference a year makes…

Or does it?

Have things changed a lot for me, for you, over the past year?

Where were you this time last year?

Earlier this month I mentioned being concerned about April and how it always seems to bring some of my worst BPD problems, last year was probably the worst ever for that.

Let me tell you where I was this time last year…

*Trigger warning – there is discussion of self-harm and suicidal ideation in this post*

This time last year I was in the midst of possibly the worst ever BPD crisis I have had. I was single, homeless and unable to attend work due to what had happened…

In February my partner had flown off to Afghanistan with the TA leaving me feeling abandoned and stressing over unresolved problems in our relationship. Very quickly I spiralled out of control trying to cope with not being able to sort things out with him being so far away.

Passing through March I was drinking heavily, cutting daily and emailing him about leaving him. I wanted to get my own place and move out of his house because I felt that he did not love me, that I was just a ‘trophy’ girlfriend to him, that he loved a former partner the mother of his youngest child. I had moved in with him leaving my hometown for a place where I knew no-one.

He was due to return home for R&R in April.

As April approached I started going out with a new friend, I hadn’t been ‘out’ since moving out of my home in Birmingham and it felt good to dress up and dance. One night she took me to a town centre pub where we played pool and got talking to some regulars in the pub. One guy seemed especially nice and we were getting along very well. When the pub closed we moved on to a club, it was a warm night so I offered to put the guy’s jacket in my bag so he didn’t have to wear it while we danced. In the club we bumped into his sister and spent a little while chatting with her. We were having a lot of fun. We danced a while and before we knew it the club was closing too.

My friend and I were not ready for the night to end, we wanted to carry on drinking and so we decided to head back to mine, and invited the guys we had spent the evening with to join us, so they did. The drinking continued as we sat chatting in the lounge, the conversation was great. I went into the kitchen to get another drink closely followed by the guy I was with as we continued to talk. Whilst in the kitchen he asked if he could kiss me, which sent a thrill through me, no-one had ever ‘asked’ if they could kiss me before…

Returning to the lounge my friends guy had fallen asleep on the sofa and she was now bored of him and decided to go home. The guy I was with stayed and we discussed what to do about the sleeping bloke. I fetched a blanket to pop over him, thinking it best just to leave him there to sleep and my guy asked if I had another blanket so he could sleep on the other sofa. Boldly I said it was okay he didn’t have to sleep on the sofa. So we went up to my room…

It was a long time before we got to sleep, he was such a gentleman and made me feel like I had never felt before.

The next morning the other guy had left when I went downstairs. My guy woke up and upon using the bathroom declared there was a lot of men’s toiletries in there – in all our conversation the night before I had neglected to mention my absent partner. I was struck dumb unable to find the words to explain to him, he left quickly.

After this my emails to my partner became less frequent and more full of my beliefs that our relationship was doomed. My crisis grew worse, but I failed to recognise what was happening. I threw myself into my new job, all I did was work then go to the pub, I was barely eating, barely sleeping, drinking heavier and hoping to see this guy again and explain myself to him. The following week I took my best mate to the pub and slept with a different guy. I was a disgrace.

Then the day was coming that my partner was due home. I couldn’t handle it, I didn’t want to be there when he returned, I wanted to die.

I sat in the hot tub the night before he was due back, it was a Wednesday night, I downed a litre bottle of amaretto with 45 tramadol tablets and crawled into bed, hoping not to wake up I slipped into unconsciousness. Late the next day I came to hardly able to move as I struggled to get to the bathroom where I passed out again. At some point my partner returned home, but it barely registered as I slipped in and out of consciousness. On the odd occasion I came round, at first he was being loving and looking after me, unaware of why I was so unwell.

Later he was angry, he was packing my clothes in a suitcase. I had no idea what he was saying to me, I just wished I would hurry up and die. At some point he discovered the tablet packets and empty bottle by the hot tub. He went through my phone and laptop to discover what had been happening.

On the Friday morning I came too again and crawled into the garden to have a cigarette, where I promptly collapsed again. My partner was raging at me, but still I could not make any sense of what he was saying. When he bought me a glass or water I smashed the glass on the floor and tried to cut my wrist with the broken pieces, but I had not strength in me at all and just collapsed again. At this point my partner picked me up and took me to A&E.

I was put on a drip and monitored while they got the Mental Health Liaison team to come and see me. I was now also homeless…

Later I left the hospital and returned to my partners house to collect some belongings, when I refused to leave having no where to go he got the police to come and make me leave.

I went to my best friends house and spent the next few days sleeping on her sofa while I tried to find somewhere to live. the council refused to help me, not even providing emergency accommodation for me and my children. In the end I checked myself into a hotel, my daughter went to stay with a friend and my son went to stay with my dad.

My ex-partner started coming to see me at the hotel. I wanted to work things out, I couldn’t move back in but he wanted to help me, but he was going back to Afghanistan in a few days…

I spent all my time drunk, in the pub from opening till closing, I cut off my hair – literally, I hacked at my long hair leaving barely an inch of hair over my head; and using the scissors I had just chopped my hair with I slashed my arms and legs terrifically. I still wanted to die but my partner and best friend made sure to remove all sharp objects and all medication and constantly checked that I had neither accessible to me. I made plans to crash my car, to jump off a bridge onto the highway and other ideas to take my life that kept spinning around me, each time someone interfered preventing it from happening.

April ended with me in this state, my future looked bleak. I was homeless, signed-off work, in a horrendous BPD crisis and alone. Was there any way out of this mess?


19 comments on “This time last year – April BPD crisis

  1. I ‘liked’ this post because of your honesty. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. You’ve certainly been through some tough times Sharon – Oh dear, both me and you on the pills and Amaretto.

    A year ago I had been in hospital for 2 months. I had this time where I started to feel better and put it down to the medications. After 3 months or so, I left the hospital and then was the Amaretto and pills and cuts and all the rest of it. Wound up back in hospital.

    How has this April been for you? It’s certainly been a time for change for you. I hope it’s been better than last April.

    • This April has had some bad experiences too, self-harm, drinking too much, sexual encounters and getting arrested, but amazingly despite all that it has still been an improvement on last year, and it has definitely ended better with some positive new things starting up! Fingers crossed things continue upwards for us both! 🙂 xx

  2. Pretty tough April now too hey?

    My fingers are crossed too Sharon. Can’t say that I’m feeling too hot today and I worry about feeling worse too. Like coming down off of a ‘high’ moving to the rehab program and settling in and now facing the realities of it. Grr.

    Feel good S. 🙂

    • Yeah, glad it’s over! lol

      Adjusting to the realities of such a big change must be tough, I can imagine that initially it’s just excitement then ‘normality’ set’s in and panic comes with it!? I hope it continues to go well and you don’t have too many upsets! x

  3. it’s been 10 years that April is the worst month of the year for me. Suicidal thoughts and attempts, violence and depression. I’m glad it’s over now. Thank you for sharing

  4. thanks for sharing about crisis so candidly. it’s soothing and informative to read about what leads to crisis, and good to write a few words here to commemorate my year as well.
    a year ago, i was also in hospital. Whiskey, cheap red wine, and two bottles of pills on the top of a hill with a cell tower on it.
    i never knew that April was a hard month for others as well. last year, i’d been in school full-time, which was a disastrous mistake for me. one of those things we do before diagnosis that we would never do again. in that respect, I’m grateful.

    • Thank you for sharing too, I am surprised at the number of us that find April to be an especially bad month, strange coincidence!?

      • maybe some kind of permanent stress memory for those of us who have experienced post-secondary school? Maybe that summer is really starting to roll, and it is too much energy for us … ? the anxiety of whatever is happening or not happening over the summer … ?

  5. APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
    Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
    Memory and desire, stirring
    Dull roots with spring rain.
    (T.S.Elliot, The Waste Land)

  6. Wow… I’m so happy to see that you made it past all of that… and that although you are still struggling now, you’re doing better than you were. Last April and May were really hard for me too… I was hospitalized for my suicidal ideation, was released from the psych. hospital after a week and was right back in for an actual attempted suicide less than a month after… I was on a breathing tube and life support and out for 5 days with doctors telling my family to just pray that I would make it, because most of the clonazopam, beta-blockers, propranolol (anti-nausea), wellbutrin, ibuprofen, promethazine (prescribed to me for sleeping) and any other pill I could find in my home had been absorbed by my body by the time my brother found me and raced me to the hospital… It wasn’t until this stay in the ICU and subsequent transfer to the same psych. hospital I had been in weeks prior, that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bipolar disorder, along with my depression and generalized anxiety… Reading your blog I see that there are other people out there that are going through although different situations, very similar struggles… Thank you for being so open. I think I will be posting my own personal “This time last April/May” blog, as it might help others who are or have been going through the same, and letting them see that although the struggle continues, it can and will get better… we just can’t give up, as hard as it is sometimes when our “bad thoughts” keep popping up. Thanks Sharon 🙂

    • Someone said to me recently that in their opinion this April has actually been worse for me than last April, I guess it depends what aspects of the problems I’ve had each year you are looking at? I know what you mean about the pills having been absorbed before anyone discovered you or you reached the hospital, it was the same with my Tramadol OD. There are lots more of us having these issues than you realise when you first get diagnosed, it’s not until we stumble across each other via blogs, forums and other online sites that the extent of the issue comes to light, and so rarely do we get to meet others like us in real-life (I guess mainly due to the lack of support for us in Mental Health care?) I think your own ‘this time last year…’ post would be great, like you say when we are there we don’t expect there to be a ‘next year’ so just the fact that we are still here is testament to our strengths despite our troubles. I look forward to reading your post! 😀 xx

  7. Pingback: My Ex can’t let go… | Day in the life of a Busy Gal…

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