*Trigger warning this post describes sexual abuse, while the details are vague it may still be disturbing and triggering for some people. Please take caution when reading.*
A child learns by example and experience, when the experience is bad the lesson is distorted and learning hampered. Sex should be a loving experience shared by two people who want to give something special to each other. These glimpses at the many abusive experiences of my life show how from a young age I was taught that my body is for the use of others, any pleasure I gain from these acts is just a bonus. I learnt to use sex to gain attention, my body a tool for satisfying others. Unlearning this negative view is a long and painful journey.
2012 – age 35
He grabs a fistful of her hair and pulls her head back.
“No more fucking around” His eyes look black his pupils are so enlarged.
She closes her eyes.
“Mean it! Promise” He pulls harder and thrusts deep into her.
1984 – age 8
He lifts her skirt and pulls down her knickers.
“Let me see”
She stands still not knowing what to do. Grubby little fingers poke at her, one enters her it hurts.
“Owww, stop that hurts”
“Shh, it’s ok”
A tear runs down her face as he continues to poke around.
“You can’t tell our mom’s about this or we will both get in trouble”
2009 – Age 32
The hand tightens around her throat; he pulls her in front of the mirror. A smile on his face, he pulls her against him with the other hand as he pushes deeper. She lifts onto her toes as he squeezes tighter, she cannot breathe.
She drops to the floor convulsing, he has squeezed her throat too hard.
He waits for her to come to.
She sits up shakily.
“Can you get me some water?”
He fetches a glass of water from her kitchen and watches her sip.
She nods still shaking. He lifts her up and lays her on the settee, leaning over her he pushes into her again.
1988 – age 12
“Here you go George” She smiles as she hands the man the newspaper.
“Thank you dear, come here I have something for you” He walks into the back of the laundrette. She follows.
He turns and moves close to her.
“You smell nice”
He puts a hand on her flat chest, she steps back.
“It’s okay; I’m not going to hurt you” He comes closer.
He pulls the front of her dungarees and looks down, sliding his other hand down inside her clothes.
She freezes, closes her eyes and leaves her mind.
2006 – age 30
“I’m tired” She rolls over, her back to him.
He rolls up behind her and wraps an arm round, slipping it into her nightdress and grasping her breast he rolls her over.
“You’re my wife, you should enjoy this”
She turns her face away as he removes her nightclothes. His hands rubbing roughly between her legs until she orgasms. Then he lifts her legs to rest on his shoulders as he penetrates and bangs away until he is satisfied.
1991 – age 15
They climb over the fence.
She follows him into the trees. He stops and pushes her against a tree. He bends and removes her knickers dropping them on the ground. He sticks a finger inside her.
“Mmmm very wet”
He undoes his jeans, without taking them down he shakes himself loose. He grips her thigh to raise her leg as he bends his knees to enter her. Her back scrapes on the tree as he thrusts.
2001 – age 25
“What did you do? I want all the details”
“Because you are going to do it all again with me”
She cries as she explains what happened. He stands and drops his trousers.
“Do it” He forces her head down and holds it as he presses into her mouth.
1997 – age 21
“It won’t hurt; we should spice our sex life up a bit”
“I don’t want to do that, it seems wrong”
He turns her round and bends her over the edge of the bed.
“I’ll loosen you up first”
He spreads her cheeks, slips a finger into her to make it wet. He withdraws the finger and slowly pushes it into the other opening. He repeats the process with his penis.
“See, it wasn’t that bad. I enjoyed that”
Even in a marriage sex is not always loving. Trained to believe that deviance and pain are part of the pleasure, sex is sex, it is separate from love. A gentle night of pleasure is something she has not experienced in 34 years on this Earth…
The night that changed her view of sex for the first time…
2011 – age 34
They stand a metre apart in her kitchen.
“Can I kiss you?”
In 34 years no-one has ever asked to kiss her before.
Later she tells him “You don’t have to sleep on the sofa” Old habits die hard, she thinks giving of her body is all that is required.
He crawls from the bottom of the bed, kissing her legs all the way up and gently takes her into his mouth until she has a slow, intense orgasm.
He is gentle with her, treats her with a respect she has never known before. She falls asleep after with a warm feeling inside her that she has never felt before – is this love? Is this how sex should really be?
She is filled with guilt that once again she used the only tool she had at her disposal and gained an experience of something she cannot keep…
The next morning he uses her ensuite
“There’s a lot of men’s toiletries in here…”
He leaves, she grieves – how can she ever get him back after this?
- RID OF MY DISGRACE: HOPE AND HEALING FOR VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT – Justin and Lindsey Holcomb (2011) (baldreformer.wordpress.com)
- chubby-bunnies: [TW: slut shaming, rape talk, sexual abuse… (izabael.com)