A History of sexual abuse…


experiencing

experiencing (Photo credit: yoghaert)

*Trigger warning this post describes sexual abuse, while the details are vague it may still be disturbing and triggering for some people. Please take caution when reading.*

A child learns by example and experience, when the experience is bad the lesson is distorted and learning hampered. Sex should be a loving experience shared by two people who want to give something special to each other. These glimpses at the many abusive experiences of my life show how from a young age I was taught that my body is for the use of others, any pleasure I gain from these acts is just a bonus. I learnt to use sex to gain attention, my body a tool for satisfying others. Unlearning this negative view is a long and painful journey.

2012 – age 35

He grabs a fistful of her hair and pulls her head back.

“No more fucking around” His eyes look black his pupils are so enlarged.

She closes her eyes.

“I won’t”

“Mean it! Promise” He pulls harder and thrusts deep into her.

“I promise”

1984 – age 8

He lifts her skirt and pulls down her knickers.

“Let me see”

She stands still not knowing what to do. Grubby little fingers poke at her, one enters her it hurts.

“Owww, stop that hurts”

“Shh, it’s ok”

A tear runs down her face as he continues to poke around.

“You can’t tell our mom’s about this or we will both get in trouble”

2009 – Age 32

The hand tightens around her throat; he pulls her in front of the mirror. A smile on his face, he pulls her against him with the other hand as he pushes deeper. She lifts onto her toes as he squeezes tighter, she cannot breathe.

She drops to the floor convulsing, he has squeezed her throat too hard.

He waits for her to come to.

“You okay?”

She sits up shakily.

“Can you get me some water?”

He fetches a glass of water from her kitchen and watches her sip.

“Better now?”

She nods still shaking. He lifts her up and lays her on the settee, leaning over her he pushes into her again.

1988 – age 12

“Here you go George” She smiles as she hands the man the newspaper.

“Thank you dear, come here I have something for you” He walks into the back of the laundrette. She follows.

He turns and moves close to her.

“You smell nice”

He puts a hand on her flat chest, she steps back.

“It’s okay; I’m not going to hurt you” He comes closer.

He pulls the front of her dungarees and looks down, sliding his other hand down inside her clothes.

She freezes, closes her eyes and leaves her mind.

2006 – age 30

“I’m horny”

“I’m tired” She rolls over, her back to him.

He rolls up behind her and wraps an arm round, slipping it into her nightdress and grasping her breast he rolls her over.

“You’re my wife, you should enjoy this”

She turns her face away as he removes her nightclothes. His hands rubbing roughly between her legs until she orgasms. Then he lifts her legs to rest on his shoulders as he penetrates and bangs away until he is satisfied.

1991 – age 15

They climb over the fence.

“Over here”

She follows him into the trees. He stops and pushes her against a tree. He bends and removes her knickers dropping them on the ground. He sticks a finger inside her.

“Mmmm very wet”

He undoes his jeans, without taking them down he shakes himself loose. He grips her thigh to raise her leg as he bends his knees to enter her. Her back scrapes on the tree as he thrusts.

2001 – age 25

“What did you do? I want all the details”

“Why?”

“Because you are going to do it all again with me”

She cries as she explains what happened. He stands and drops his trousers.

“Do it” He forces her head down and holds it as he presses into her mouth.

1997 – age 21

“It won’t hurt; we should spice our sex life up a bit”

“I don’t want to do that, it seems wrong”

He turns her round and bends her over the edge of the bed.

“I’ll loosen you up first”

He spreads her cheeks, slips a finger into her to make it wet. He withdraws the finger and slowly pushes it into the other opening. He repeats the process with his penis.

“See, it wasn’t that bad. I enjoyed that”

****

Even in a marriage sex is not always loving. Trained to believe that deviance and pain are part of the pleasure, sex is sex, it is separate from love. A gentle night of pleasure is something she has not experienced in 34 years on this Earth…

The night that changed her view of sex for the first time…

2011 – age 34

They stand a metre apart in her kitchen.

“Can I kiss you?”

In 34 years no-one has ever asked to kiss her before.

Later she tells him “You don’t have to sleep on the sofa” Old habits die hard, she thinks giving of her body is all that is required.

He crawls from the bottom of the bed, kissing her legs all the way up and gently takes her into his mouth until she has a slow, intense orgasm.

He is gentle with her, treats her with a respect she has never known before. She falls asleep after with a warm feeling inside her that she has never felt before – is this love? Is this how sex should really be?

She is filled with guilt that once again she used the only tool she had at her disposal and gained an experience of something she cannot keep…

The next morning he uses her ensuite

“There’s a lot of men’s toiletries in here…”

He leaves, she grieves – how can she ever get him back after this?

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26 comments on “A History of sexual abuse…

  1. wow-a very moving well written piece-i dont know the men but i could cheerfully strangle them-the piece brought my anger to the surface which is most unusual for me
    excellent writing

  2. The first one I had slept with because I was curious and he was forcing so I gave in. After the first time he forced me to sleep with him 3 times – every time we saw each other – this was on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday afternoon – as my Mom always said: you have to it or your man will be angry – I did and left my mind for the time. I never felt I was abused until some yrs ago in therapy we were speaking about it and why I slept with so many men for nothing and my jaw dropped – she was right. Biggest problem now: I still tend to sleep with my husband for favors or to keep him in good mood (he would never force me) but as I can do it so easily without being hurt I do. He knows about the first part but not that I am doing it for him too.

  3. I have a history of sexual abuse, but not family I’m pleased to say. And I can totally relate to sex afterward. I love my husband dearly, but even now my body want to reject the sexual act. It doesn’t connect it with love and I cannot even enjoy arousal. Your bravery and openness here, along with your creativity in expression is commendable. XX

  4. Many times women learn that their “currency” is their body & sexual acts that their body can “do” for men. There is some innate “biology” involved (men valuing women for their looks as their looks provide visual clues to the men as to their fertility), but society as a whole also needs to define what is acceptable in regards to defining a woman’s worth. Fighting “natural” biological tendencies is part of developing as a society (I believe).

    I don’t think we should allow our “baser” instincts to overcome the good of society as a whole (protecting women, children–both male & female from sexual & physical & emotional abuse).

    It is sickening the acts that we humans do to each other, but for me it has been important to not make my past history dictate my present & my future. I’m not going to let the abuse continue (in my mind & my relationships). It has taken a lot of therapy (individual & DBT) to accomplish that!

    It is so hard to not have the abusive remnants taint your current relationship, but I tell myself I am not going to let the abuser(s) continue to abuse me even when they are in the grave! I will not allow that abuser to “win” by destroying my life & continuing to abuse me from the grave! I have the power now!

    • no Mike, not really. I am married and have 3 kids. My husband was the first men in my life and the only one. It is just that any physical contact of any kind stresses me so much, and so hard to endure

    • Thanks sis, I hope I never have to go through any of that again. Bazz certainly would never treat me like that, he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me 😀

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