What is it about the end of a relationship that some people just cannot accept it is over and move on?
My ex has this problem.
Initially we agreed to stay friends after I left, but it didn’t take long for this to become a problem and so we decided to stop all contact. Then there have been a few times where as much as I would have preferred not to I needed to contact him, such as when I needed my inhaler and realised it was still at his place. And of course I had a little ‘panic’ where I thought I had made a huge mistake and wanted him back.
All in all it was the best decision for us to break up and having contact after was a bad idea.
Yet, he just won’t let go. He seems to think he is the most important person in my life, the only person who cares about me and that he has the right to know every intimate detail of what I am doing.
Worst of all I keep letting him, I give him all the information he wants when he contacts me. I don’t know why, well, I guess I do, it’s because he has this way of manipulating me into telling him everything in one way or another. Sometimes I tell him because what he is saying to me makes me think I need to ‘prove’ how well I am doing without him, other times I tell him things because I want him to see how badly I am doing, and yet other times I tell him things to rub his nose in it.
The thing is that however nicely he starts out his communication it always ends up the same way – he triggers me, he pushes my buttons, upsets me, winds me up and infuriates me. Just like he did when we were together.
He makes out like no-one else cares about me, that I need him, that he is the only one I can trust. But none of this is true, lot’s of people care about me, I don’t need him, and there are lots of people I can trust.
I don’t need someone who says offensive things about my friends, about me.
So, why does he keep contacting me? and why do I keep responding?
Whenever it happens it causes me to dip and drop off my recovery slope, which is slippery enough anyway!
Surely he has no reason to keep interfering in my life? He has moved on for goodness sake, he has a new girlfriend (which happened very quickly after I moved out considering I was the ‘love of his life’ who he cannot live without). I’m sure if this girl knew that he kept doing this she wouldn’t be happy. I could tell her, but I haven’t.
I left him for a number of reasons…
- He is/was the biggest trigger for my BPD. I can’t really explain how he did it or what he did, but he had this way of manipulating, controlling and provoking me that left me feeling I would be better off dead and everyone better off without me, and I would self-harm, feeling useless, worthless and alone. He still makes me feel like this now when he gets in touch. People know I have been in contact with him because I slip back into that frame of mind when it happens.
- I cheated on him. And knew I would again, sure he ‘forgave’ me and took me back, but it was not fair to continue a relationship when I knew I was looking elsewhere for the sex he was not providing. There may have been a bit of ‘the grass is greener on the other side’ to this element of my decision to leave, but regardless what I thought/hoped might happen with this other guy, staying was not the right thing to do.
- I felt trapped, controlled, manipulated. he has often asked me to explain how he controls and manipulates me, I cannot put my finger on it. I just know it was happening. I wasn’t ‘myself’. I was doing things and being ways that were ‘expected’ of me and not what I wanted to do.
- I didn’t feel that he really wanted me. Sex was a big issue, I spoke to him about it many times, he made me feel unattractive, like sex with me was a chore. It wasn’t until I was leaving that he suddenly wanted sex all the time, luckily I saw this for what it was, a way to try to get me to change my mind and stay, that wouldn’t last if I did.
I know I haven’t helped the situation by responding and the times I have contacted him. But, generally it is him that keeps on coming back to try to be part of my life, when really what I need is for him to stay away.
I don’t need someone who contacts me being nice (to get in) and then proceeds to abuse and insult me (he called me a ‘coke-head whore slag’ the other day!).
Why can’t he just stop it? Leave me alone and get on with his life with his new girlfriend?
I thought it was supposed to be us BPD ex’s that were the problem, trouble-makers. Hmmph another myth! I’m not the one who has sat outside his house late at night waiting for him to come home (yes, he has done that). I’m not the one who has sent text messages to his friends when he won’t answer me anymore (yes, he has done that too). Yet, somehow I still seem to be labelled as the bad one in all this.
Sorry, but I am just trying to move on, and heck I haven’t even moved on so far as to enter another relationship, but he has. So, if he has moved on enough to do that then why, why, why does he still seem so adamant on forcing himself back into my life. He claims he does not ‘want me back’ yet he behaves like that is exactly what he wants. Or is it a ‘I cant have you but I’m going to make damn sure no-one else does/can either’ thing?
I really hope that he stops because it is making my life so much harder. Every time I start to get some where in my personal recovery from BPD he knocks me back down a peg or two. Is he just punishing me for leaving him? Does he want to make sure I don’t get well enough to live a happy, fruitful life without him.
I guess it could be any or all of these things. Whatever it is I cannot let him keep doing this to me. I have to stop it. I have told him as much now I just have to wait and hope that he does not contact me again after the latest time I have told him to back off. Let’s see how long it lasts!
Have you had problems with an ex that can’t let go? how did you handle it?
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- Abuse Affects our Loved Ones (buckwheatsrisk.wordpress.com)
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- I Still Love You (demorrieaux.wordpress.com)
- internet(lovers?) (nishobora.wordpress.com)
- BPD Remission Phase? (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Dealing with a Cheating Partner (romancereferee.wordpress.com)
- Tips To Get over a Break-Up (chaoticashmita.wordpress.com)