On my way back to blogging


bpd

bpd (Photo credit: Jackal1)

Once again it has been some time since I lasted posted properly on here, okay I popped a post up on Friday but you know what I mean 😉

Initially I stopped posting because my motivation to write anything at all was gone but as time has gone on I have realised that it is more that I am in a different place now than I was…

Posting daily was (I believe) another symptom of my BPD, but (as discussed with and agreed with by my therapist) I have been virtually symptom free of BPD (with only a few minor slips) for the best part of the last 3 months now, and especially the last month…

In fact my remission/recovery or whatever you want to call it, is such that I have (with approval) reduced my therapy sessions down from weekly to monthly. I am cautious not to drop it completely in case of problems/crisis or relapse, and should I need it I can always go in more often again, but even where problems or issues do arise lately that in the past would have massively triggered me I have been handling them very well – from the ‘adult state’, wise mind, instead of the over reactive, emotional BPD state I would previously experienced. It has not been easy at times and I have come close to crisis, but my awareness of what is happening, what triggered it and huge effort to deal with the situations without crashing has been even better than even I thought was possible for me.

This in particular is, I feel, why I am not writing about BPD – I am no longer in that place, I cannot connect with that way of being, therefore I cannot articulate BPD issues in the way I did before. It doesn’t necessarily cover the lack of other writing, but I suspect that lacking the pressure I used to put on myself to post every day has meant I have been able to accept taking a break from writing as ‘okay’ rather than berating and punishing myself for being a ‘failure’ if I didn’t write everyday.

Of course all of this is good for me and my life, the only thing suffering as a result is my blog, but it’s a small price to pay for being ‘well’ from BPD. I can not even remember the last time in my life that I felt as contented as I do now and believe me it’s not like I am suddenly without problems – if  only it were that simple!!  The majority of problems or issues that arise now I am analysing rationally and making informed decisions on how best to deal with them instead of slipping into a drama, overreacting, internalizing and causing myself harm and upset. Sure I experience rightful anger, disappointment etc at the occurrences but these emotions are now at what I would consider ‘normal’ response  levels, heck everyone ‘feels’ something when bad or sad things happen, but now my responses are not excessive and extreme (I’m repeating myself aren’t I? lol) I allow myself to have the feelings without allowing them to consume and control me and escalate.

In addition to not writing much I am also spending less time at the pub (which has not gone down well in certain circles) but the thing is I no longer ‘need’ the escape from myself and my home that sitting in the pub all the time used to provide. One issue people have with me not being there is that there is a guy involved, he has been staying at mine for a while now, but we are not in a relationship we just enjoy each other’s company and don’t want/need to go to the pub to do so.  Related to that issue, and the reason people disapprove of this guy is a drugs matter, but it is not the problem everyone seems to think it is, he is not sponging off me or taking advantage in any way and I am not spending all my time and money getting drugged up, yes I have taken some drugs but I think that is my business not anyone else’s anyway…

There is also the not so small issue of the guy I was obsessed with having gotten himself a girlfriend – which I handled amazingly well! – this bought closure to my BPD infatuation. While a lot of people, including myself, expected this would be a massive trigger it instead turned out to be very helpful in allowing me to detach and move on from what was  a harmful addiction to this guy. He was the main reason I spent so much time at the pub, craving any contact with him that I could get, yet when he got his girlfriend I didn’t blow up, cause any trouble or even break down. I was upset and disappointed but deep down I guess I had always known it would never be what I wanted/needed and I just let it go. Initially I didn’t want to watch them together and that was when I started reducing my time at the pub, but leaving was a sensible way to avoid letting it get to me rather than having stronger responses such as getting drunk and ending up making a fool of myself. After a little while it was no longer about not seeing them together though, it was just purely that my reasons and needs for being in the pub were gone, so I only go in now for pool and occasionally at other times instead of seven days a week…

So, what have I been doing with myself while I’ve not been blogging/writing? At first not a lot, but gradually I started to engage myself with activities, playing Guitar Hero games on the wii, reading, making jewellery, watching films and getting back into my studying, but most of all doing lots, and lots, of job applications – it still hasn’t gotten me a job yet, but surely one will turn up eventually with the amount of applications I am doing!!

I’m going to try and write a post analysing my lack of BPD symptoms from the perspective of the DSM IV criteria, so keep your eye out for that one! For now I’m off to do my nail varnish, I have a party to go to tonight! catch you later 😉 xx

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24 comments on “On my way back to blogging

  1. Great news – I’m so glad you feel the need to move on – maybe leave the blog altogether for a while and get on with the rest of your life. Maybe only coming back to it some way down the line when you’ve distanced yourself further. As you say, you’re not that person anymore. xxxx

  2. Good to see you around again, especially with such great news! I know it’s a wonderful feeling to get that peace and balance in your life, so well done, and the best of luck. Where ever it takes you, it’s going to be great!

  3. may your remission long continue sharon, it just feels great to be where you are right now, hope i get there someday and stay there. good luck xx

    • Thanks August, indeed I write so differently depending on ‘where’ I am in life, I had not realised before how much difference there is!x

  4. Wow this is so great to hear!!! 😀 I hope you continue to do well, and I’m so happy for you! I look forward to the day when I can say that I am a recovered BPD sufferer… You are an inspiration, thanks for keeping us posted! ❤

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