Poem – Finger on the Trigger


Breaking Rules

Breaking Rules (Photo credit: mr.smashy)

Another poem, why so many nowadays I don’t know but as they come there’s no point keeping them to myself  may as well share! 🙂 Hope you like…

It flicked the switch
The trip-wire twitched
On a loaded gun…

It happened a few weeks ago
I don’t want to talk about it
You don’t want to know

You wouldn’t believe me anyway…

I’m managing emotions
Camouflaging situations
A chameleon guise again…

Stories have been told
Different but the same
The truth won’t unfold

This is my life, not a game…

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23 comments on “Poem – Finger on the Trigger

  1. Hey there I’m a big believer in writing durn my feelings in notebooks I love looking back and seeing my changes. You hang in there and please know you have two big fans here, my boyfriend and I love your blog and we laugh out tails off at some of the funny things you have written especially like the 10 big myths out there about Bpd. It actually helped him very much understand when I shared that with him that though I don’t suffer from Bpd like he does, that I do get him and know the stigma. Your blog has really helped us alot remember that you are helping two guys in Dallas very much and though we don’t know you we care very much. We are doing great work with
    a wonderful therapist here using mindfulness and Dbt. Who knows what the future holds but we are doing great today and like they say if you are depressed you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future, so we try try try to live in the now.
    Much Love and gratitude!!!

    • Thank you so much for this, it always makes me feel very humble when people share how much reading my blog helps, inspires and encourages others, I really like that it makes you laugh at times too 🙂 Good luck to you both on your journey and I hope you continue to enjoy my posts, I hope you continue to do well and be happy! Much love back to you too x

  2. PS do you mind if I borrow (OK, steal! 😉 ) your rhyme scheme and write something of my own? I haven’t written a poem in years, and i have really felt like writing over the last few weeks but unlike your recent experience, nothing seems to flow! However, i always used to find it much easier to write when inspired by an interesting rhyme scheme or form…!

  3. Thank you! Not much luck yet – a couple of not great attempts at first verses….turns out that trying to write about dissociation when you’re midly dissociated, doesn’t really help the creative experience 😉 By the way, if there’s anything in the ridiculously long and rambly email I sent you that you want to use as a subject for a blog, or even anything in it you might want to use full stop, then just let me know (not that I flatter myself that I can actually write!). I’m so awe-inspired, grateful and just plain inspired by you and others like you who share such personal things about your lives so that you can help others reach a better understanding, that it’s starting to help me come to terms with a life-long reluctance to share any writing that I might do (the whole, if people reject my writing, they’re rejecting me, thing). So thanks again, and keep the poems coming! The first verse of your poem above has SO stuck in my head – it’s just brilliant….

    • Thanks Clara, I will get round to replying to your email, I et so many it takes me even longer to get through them than it does to get through my blog comments! I know what you mean about sharing your writing, but I’m so glad I share despite those fears because comments like this show me it’s worth it cause it does help and inspire others which for me is enough satisfaction 🙂

  4. Hi Sharon,

    I had a bit more inspiration this evening, and so in gratitude for your inspiration and rhyme scheme, I’ve sent you the results by email! I didn’t feel it was right to clutter up your blog with it 😉

  5. Wow – I can so relate, especially to the no one believing because that’s not the me they see. I hope this was symbolic and that you didn’t actually move the switch.

    • Thanks, yeah it was more symbolic, although the event that prompted the poem was very triggering I managed to keep a handle on my emotions, something I would have struggled with just over a year ago!

  6. So, now I have that ‘first day of school’, ‘morning of exams’, butterflies in stomach feeling! But if you think its any good, and that people might be interested in seeing it, then I’m tempted to say yes, even though the thought fills me with a mild sense of dread! There has to be a ‘first time’, and I’d be honoured to have a poem on here, as I think your writing is amazing! Thank you Sharon 🙂

  7. Thanks Sharon – I wasn’t meaning to ‘chase you’ about my email! I know you have a huge number of people to reply to (as well as an actual non-virtual life to live! 😉 ). It would be lovely to hear from you if and when you get a chance, but please don’t worry. I’ve done quite a bit of online reading about BPD and not found anything specifically concerning what I emailed you about, and as it’s been something I’ve been struggling with for a while, I thought you might either be able to relate, or have read something that would help. I did actually come across something the other day that came close to describing, very briefly, what I was referring to. I had read quite often about how very often, people with BPD think that they or their actions are evil, but I hadn’t read anything that tied this to how they feel about their diagnosis/’condition’. However, I found this article the other day http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1870491,00.html which says the following: “”The patient’s first dilemma,” Linehan wrote in her 558-page masterwork, 1993’s Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, “has to do with whom to blame for her predicament. Is she evil, the cause of her own troubles? Or, are other people in the environment or fate to blame? … Is the patient really vulnerable and unable to control her own behavior …? Or is she bad, able to control her reactions but unwilling to do so …? What the borderline individual seems unable to do is to hold both of these contradictory positions in mind.”

    Incidentally, I know you’ve read a lot about BPD and feel there’s a lot of misinformation out there, particularly online. I’ve only been reading for a few months and I don’t really know which things to believe or not believe, but I wondered if you’d come across the following sites, and if so, what you thought of them? http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/index.htm#For_Individuals_with_Borderline
    and http://gettinbetter.com/BPDclient.html .

    I would say that those two sites, plus some of your own blogs, have had the most profound effects on me, in the sense of really recognising aspects of myself in them and therefore aiding my understanding of what’s going on. I have a deep-seated need to understand bpd and how it affects me and others – I don’t see how I can fight a nameless enemy that I don’t understand, and it seems crazy that so often in our health system, people go through years of therapy without ever having had an actual diagnosis! I feel a rant coming on, so I’d better stop 😉

    Sorry, I seem to have strayed somewhat from the actual post subject matter! My toddler is trying to do dangerous things with a screwdriver, so I’d better stop there 🙂

    • It’s ok, I know you weren’t chasing, I do feel bad about how long it takes me to reply to people but like you say I do have a ‘life’ as well lol.

      That first article is by Marsha Linehan the ‘top-dog’ when it comes to BPD (and recently admitted she had it herself), those predicaments described are very much the black and white thinking aspect of BPD it just shows how this rolls over into every aspect of a BP’s life.

      As for the two sites, the first one I have not seen before but it looks very good so I will be having a closer look! The second, no, Shari Schreiber angers me, she ‘blames’ the BP too much for their problems I don’t like her work at all.

      I also have had that deep need to understand BPD in order to enable my own recovery, and I fully agree the system is flawed and many people are failed by it!

  8. She’s not a girl who misses much Do do do do do do, oh yeah She’s well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand like a lizard on a window pane. The man in the crowd with the multi-colored mirrors on his hobnail boots. Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime. A soap impression of his wife which he ate and donated to the National Trust. I need a fix ’cause I’m going down Down to the bits that I left uptown I need a fix ’cause I’m going down Mother Superior jump the gun Mother Superior jump the gun Mother Superior jump the gun Mother Superior jump the gun Happiness is a warm gun (bang bang shoot shoot) Happiness is a warm gun, mama (bang bang shoot shoot) When I hold you in my arms (oh, yeah) And I feel my finger on your trigger (oh, yeah) I know nobody can do me no harm (oh, yeah) Because, (happiness) is a warm gun, mama (bang bang shoot shoot) Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is (bang bang shoot shoot) Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun Happiness (bang bang shoot shoot) Well don’t you know that happiness (happiness) is a warm gun, (is a warm gun, yeah).

  9. Thanks Sharon, and please don’t worry if you manage don’t sort it out this weekend 🙂
    With regard to the links I sent you, there’s a lot of material on the first site, most of which I haven’t read, but the piece I’ve read a few times is this one http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/bpd-ekleberry.htm
    I don’t have a ‘dual diagnosis’ (in the sense of co-occurring substance abuse, which is what the article claims to be about), but I found that the majority of the article was just full of interesting things about BPD I hadn’t read before, very many of them, it has to be said, very uncomfortable to read. It seems to be based on papers and research dating back to the early 90s, and not having read that widely about BPD, I don’t know if this has all been taken over by more ‘progressive’ studies and views! But it was interesting to see a range of ‘attributes’ and ‘criteria’ that stretched beyond the DSM-IV…..(it will be interesting what BPD ‘looks like’ in DSM V when it comes out on 22nd May……).
    I see what you mean about Shari Schreiber – I’d only read the one article (and when you ‘feel evil’ it’s easy to take on board things that re-enforce that view), but I’ve now gone back and read some more of her site, and the articles for family/friends of BPDs are pretty vicious, with no consideration for why BPDs act they way they do….

    • It’s up, hope it get’s some good feedback (although mostly it’s just ‘likes’ with these kind of posts more than comments)

      I’ll give that piece a read, sometimes the uncomfortable stuff actually is a helpful wake-up call don’t you think? It will be interesting to see how BPD fairs in the new DSM V along with many other conditions, will we even meet the criteria or could we suddenly by part of a different condition…

      Yeah, while I loathe the notion of BPD as an ‘excuse’ it is a ‘reason’ and much of what we do we require to re-learn (or learn for the first time) skills that were not given to us when growing up (for whatever reason) people like Shari don’t care about this but proclaim themselves to be professionals, where’s the ‘do no harm’ ‘do not be judgement’ stuff that should be part of the role of someone in her position…

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