I was doing well, my recovery from BPD was progressing, so I told myself, but recently I noticed that something wasn’t quite ‘right’ and as usual identifying what exactly was wrong was hard.
I think I may have been lying to myself for a while, I think I may have been masking again. Falling apart inside, outside appearing to be doing well. I think I am self-sabotaging…
I have been slowly picking at trying to work out exactly why I am slipping off the recovery tracks and what has caused this, then yesterday I was replying to an email I had received from someone about BPD and as I wrote my own situation started spilling out and I had a realisation about what is going wrong and why…
This is what I wrote in that email (details of the other person not included)…
Thank you for all your kind words about my blog, it is my hope that what I write is helpful to others
I know exactly what you mean about feeling like a fraud and acting the part, that BPD is an ‘excuse’… not a reason. When I am not doing so well (like now) all those feelings return to me, it takes a lot to overcome them and see that BPD is a reason for how you are but not to let the reason be an excuse for carrying on being that way because we can get help and get better at managing and if we aren’t trying then we are letting BPD be an excuse… (does that make sense? lol)
I think the imaginary conversations are part of BPD, I certainly do that myself too, usually it is my angel and devil arguing with me, or conversations with people that I will never actually have but I cannot stop them playing out in my head anyway… with the angel/devil giving a running commentary, abuse etc – exactly as you explain it!
Again I agree with the ‘deliberateness’ that self-awareness prompts. I am looking forward to my next session with my therapist to discuss this as it is a very big thing for me right now, and it is leading to self-sabotaging behaviour… I need to stop it NOW but there is that bit (that is winning at the moment) that is in self-hatred mode and so I am currently not caring that I am self-sabotaging, if anything I am rejoicing in the fact that if I don’t stop it soon I am going to fail horrifically – but I deserve it!
As for the relationship/love stuff. For me the desperation to find someone who will love me, care for me etc etc is so intense but at the same time the desperate need to avoid letting anyone that close they can hurt me is meaning I am in full on ‘slut mode’ trying to get any guy I find remotely nice to sleep with me, but running a mile from others because I want them and don’t at the same time. And when I tell myself to stop and wait for someone decent I still end up jumping the next guy to show me any attention (hence the angel/devil post this week) I want to have sex with the guy desperately but I don’t cause I know if he does that there is no possibility of a future/relationship but I have to prove that this is not possible… it’s hell
I also agree getting better is terrifying as much as it id desired, and could this be why I am slipping back into BPD thoughts/feelings myself, I’m scared of ‘who’ will I be without BPD? although I question the stable periods as I have (I believe) had BPD since I was a teenager, yet I’ve had years between ‘episodes’ at times, what are the stable periods really? am I stable or am I just better at masking temporarily? I’m confused again in a way I haven’t been since early last year, by mid-late last year I would not meet the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD yet gradually I have deteriorated again – I was just about to say I’m not sure why the deterioration started but as I went to type that the reason, and its secondary cause came to me! I started when I went back to work, and then my ‘non-relationship’ with a younger guy fizzled out. And now (this is a right now as it happens realisation so you are the first other than me to know/hear this!) work (starting a new job) has been a/the key starting point of ALL of my worst episodes! with relationship issues (usually interrupted by my starting work) being the next thing to cause the spiral to escalate!) and guess what I started at the beginning of April – yes another new job! shit! I need to discuss this with my therapist! I need to work to survive but if work is making me ill how do I deal with this? Guess I have a lot to blog about here now too, if I can just find the time to blog!!
Now I just need to try and find a way to overcome these things and not allow myself to continue spiralling out of control… but can I do it before it’s too late? I’m already losing friends again, soon there will be nothing and no-one left to lose… but isn’t that the aim of self-sabotage?
Do you have any tips/ideas that may help me?
Have you slipped off the recovery track? How did you get back on it?
- The Angel and Devil on my shoulder – A BPD defence mechanism for relationships – Part 1 (showard76.wordpress.com)
- BPD and Childhood (makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com)
- Ignorance and Judgment Regarding BPD and Other Mental Illness (mmstores.wordpress.com)
- How BPD shows in my little, insignificant life. (sylviastulips.wordpress.com)
- Deception and the Borderline Personality: What Could have Been? (makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com)
- BPD – How Can You Help? (expatlog.com)
- May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month (candidaabrahamson.wordpress.com)
- My Bpd (mmstores.wordpress.com)
- First BPD Blog (mariarusso75.wordpress.com)
- Borderline Personality Disorder: Catastrophe or Opportunity (notesfromborderline.wordpress.com)