Following on from my update on my recovery from BPD; where I mentioned the how the difficulties achieving and maintaining recovery are compounded by unrelenting crisis, I will now share an insight into some of the challenges/crises I have faced in the past year that make my achievement all the more remarkable…
A month by month summary account of the more big things that have occurred in my life in 2013…
The year got off to a bit of a mixed start. I was working in a temporary bank role covering secondment in the NHS doing overtime to cover a second role, working 10-12 hour days for a pittance. I enjoyed the work but it didn’t pay well and I needed to find something new before the temporary contract ended and earn more money. The usual problems with so-called friends were frustrating and men, well I really hoped to find a decent one but mostly they were still only good for one thing… One guy stood out from the rest though, texting me daily, rescuing me when I was stranded and coming round for a cuppa and a chat, a guy that was a really good friend and didn’t seem to be only interested in me for one thing, who I also was not only interested in for one thing.
I had the flu for the first time in as long as I can remember, it did cause issues with work, especially when we had some really bad snow that made travelling difficult as well, I lost a few brownie points for having a bit of time off, but health and safety are more important, well they should be at least.
To top things off, my credit card was scammed and fraudsters spent over £1000. Thankfully the card company sorted it quickly but it caused me a lot of stress and panic.
I decided I needed a fresh start, my aim, find a job in Oxford and move there, not enough people who matter to make it worth staying here for, I need better opportunities and people around me…
Finally recovered from the flu, my focus is on finding a job in Oxford, plenty of applications going in, everything crossed for some interviews.
A routine heart check-up for my daughter leads to the doctors deciding she needs to go in for an angiogram to widen her arteries and for them to have a better look at her leaky valves – ASAP… scared, the nightmare of heart surgery returns
A theft at my local pub implicating certain people and me trying to help people out, especially in trying to find someone who has gone missing, leads to me being verbally attacked by a number of people and the final straw ending a long-term friendship that had become toxic due to the ways the ‘friend’ had changed anyway. The whole truth never seems to really come out and I am ostracised even though I did nothing but try to help people 😦 For the first time ever I changed my phone number because of a person, with all the crap I’ve been through I’ve never resorted to changing my number before but this one pushed me too far, permanent removal of contact was the only remaining option for me.
After ten years seizure free my son has an epileptic seizure at college, another nightmare returning…
Applied for and didn’t get the full-time post of my own job that I have been doing as bank staff for nearly six months, good job I’ve been offered a job in Oxford. Work hassles continue, not being paid properly and no-one taking responsibility for me because I am bank staff, stress is building to boiling point.
Having secured a job in Oxford finding accommodation is proving to be a more difficult task, the cost of living is not just more expensive as expected but astronomically more. Affording this is going to be very difficult on the salary I will be getting, worried about this now and I’ve not even started the job yet.
My near-term, pregnant sister collapses by my daughters beside while she is recovering from her minor heart operation, triggering her to go into labour. Panic all round. Thankfully mom and baby are okay. My daughter however, is going to need a heart valve replacement, now the long wait to find out when this is going to happen.
My son has and EEG and MRI, and more seizures. The hospital put him back on medication, the scarring on his brain from when he was younger does not look to have changed so the reason the seizures have returned is unclear but it’s horrible having to deal with them again after all this time.
I have a bad sexual encounter that leaves me feeling very vulnerable and scared.
A good friend passed away suddenly and unexpectedly, he was only 31 😦
I start suffering crippling kidney pain on a regular basis…
Started my new job in Oxford, 144 mile daily round trip.
A few days in and I start having car trouble, my usually very reliable Saab does not appear to like doing 144 miles a day. Car troubles continue all month to the point where between fuel and repairs I’ve spent more on the car than I’ve earnt when I get paid at the end of the month, not good
No luck finding anywhere to live in Oxford.
To help ease the financial burden of my journey I’m allocated two days a week to work from home. It helps, but a new problem is already emerging with the way I am being treated by someone at work…
Had a lovely weekend visiting a friend I made through the OU in Derby, first time I’ve met a virtual OU friend in real life!
Had x-rays to try and find out why I keep getting kidney pain, only it’s eased by the time I go so nothing shows up and I get referred for an MRI instead – I think I had a kidney stone (s) and it’s already passed… guess I’ll never know…
My heart sinks when I discover my cuppa buddy (who backed off when I told him I had fallen for him and wanted more than just friends because he didn’t want a relationship) is in a relationship with someone else, guess I just wasn’t good enough for him. Well who would want me anyway? I have to book an evening appointment with my therapist I’m that upset with this on top of everything else – why am I letting a guy get to me so much!?
Work and health problems continue to make life difficult, no improvements in either…
Despite last month’s discovery that a certain guy is unobtainable he continues to be a good friend texting me daily, making me smile when I’m feeling down, but adding to my confusion – why text me so much, surely your girlfriend can’t approve?
More seizures for my son, more of the same work and health hassles for me. Spending all my time feeling exhausted.
Feeling like I need to back off because the feelings I had for this guy before are so strong again but I know I can’t have him…
Income drop of £130 a week due to my son turning 20.
Another biopsy and removal of precancerous cells from my cervix
He’s free now but still doesn’t want me, why do I let my heart rule? I need to let go! It hurts to spend so much time with you when you don’t want any more from me, why don’t you just go, but I couldn’t let you if you tried…
Feeling like there is no point to anything, not gonna get to move to Oxford but can’t seem to get another job closer to home. I nearly empty my savings buying a new car that will be cheaper to run as the cost of my commute to becoming too much to handle and book myself a cruise holiday for October – not gonna need the money for anything more important. I stuck where I am so may as well spend it.
Well I’ve only gone and dropped the ‘L’ bomb on him now, where do we go from here? Is he going to run a mile?
Had a few interviews, really feeling the pressure to get another job now, the commute is killing me physically and financially, keep falling asleep while driving on the motorway – this is getting lethal!
Spending a lot more time with that special guy, really helping me handle the pressures of how low I am feeling due to exhaustion, ill health and work, shame I’m leaving him for a week to go on my cruise.
Cruising around the Mediterranean was lovely, but I missed him so much. Returning home to him finally admitting he is in love with me too is just the best feeling ever.
Not so good getting home to my son having two seizures in one night 😦
After all this time of uncertainty we are now officially in a relationship.
The exhaustion is just too much, after nearly crashing my car falling asleep on the motorway my doctor signs me off work and I start having blood tests to find out what is wrong with me. The good news is I have been offered another job closer to home!
Still off work, no answers from my blood tests so far. Think I’m gonna have to go back to work despite feeling no better, can’t stay off sick indefinitely! But I’m not happy at things that are happening regarding work.
Worst birthday ever – 8 hours stuck in traffic!
Back at work and I’m faced with a return to work interview that leaves me distraught and in need of serious help. Then to top it off my job offer is withdrawn and my son is fitting again, and I’m still exhausted with no answers and my fibromyalgia is leaving my in constant pain.
I did achieve my 2.1 honours in my second Open University Degree though 🙂
The year comes to an end with very mixed emotions – so happy and in love, but at the same time depressed and still exhausted with work.
No answers to my health problems, no answers to why my job offer was withdrawn, no resolution to the problems at work.
And on 23rd December, driving home from work at 70mph on the motorway in high winds and torrential rain my car broke down, leaving me stranded and needing to be towed home. The tow alone cost me a fortune and now I have no car to get to work (or anywhere else) until I can afford to get it fixed in the New Year…
And already four difficult things to face for January 2014 – Finding the money to fix my car, my daughter’s heart appointment to find out when she will be having her heart valve replacement, occupational health appointment for them to assess my fitness to work and check-up on my pre-cancerous cells…
Yet despite all I’ve been through this year and am still going through my BPD has remained fully under control as I explained yesterday. I hope 2014 will be a better year, but even if it’s not I know I have the strength to get through whatever comes my way…
Happy New Year!
- Borderline Personality Disorder, Recovery and Me in 2013 (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Telling Others About BPD (bpdacceptance.wordpress.com)
- Emotions still through the roof – go away, NYE (halfofasoul.wordpress.com)
- Enjoy who you are today (lifeinthebeachhouse.wordpress.com)
- Day 15: So What is BPD Anyway? (prettylittleray.wordpress.com)
- Another BPD blog (theaoboe89.wordpress.com)
- Bpd (2stepsfromashes.wordpress.com)